Why We don’t Believe in Men’s Promises


This morning I had a heated argument with Jonathan. The topic is getting old though: he wants another child. And I don’t. Not that I don’t 100%, I just don’t like to want unrealistic things. We don’t have financial stability – in fact we are very much in debt right now. We cannot afford to live on one income, and I know that I will have to stay home for at least two years since never ever will I dare to leave my baby with a sitter. But most importantly – I saw absolutely no help from Jonathan when I had Peter. In fact he was certain that he was entitled to be served on when he would come back home from work just because I was “staying home all day”. And he was working. Then he wanted his daily dose of TV to unwind and if the baby was making noise, he would demand that I took him to another room. He forgot all of this but I didn’t.

So now for 100th time I heard the same promises:

- He will work hard to improve our finances
- He will help me with kids and around the house
- He will spend time with kids and be a good father

So here is what some men have trouble understanding: we don’t judge you by what you promise to be or to do in the future – we judge you by the things you’ve done in the past. For they are the best projection of your future behavioral line in similar situations. We have all the evidence that we need that you won’t change. It’s up to us if we want to live with your weaknesses or to walk away, but every wife at some point stops fooling herself that your weaknesses will magically disappear.

If you want another child with me, stop promising to help me more once I have it! Help me today! Be a better husband, father, worker today! Show me those are not just meaningless promises. I don’t need you to beg me to have a kid, I want you to inspire me by your actions.

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Holiday Thoughts


I don’t know if it’s me or other people like to practice it but at the end of each year I reckon up all the things that happened, were achieved went wrong or became a blessing throughout the year. It’s time to summarize, analyze, make conclusions and move on to a new year. It’s amazing that when you look back at a relatively quiet year, you manage to discover that so many things happened… So the highlights of my 2009:

- I managed to survive multiple waves of layoffs at work and as of today I am still officially employed!

- Peter graduated from Kindergarten and started his first grade where he is already showing some amazing results!

- Jonathan’s business finally turned profit this year! (who said something about bad economy???)

- We still have our house in spite of mortgage payments delinquency

- We had 2 dream vacations – both in Florida


So as the world was preparing to collapse because of the crisis and worst predictions made, we had quite a year! Good bye 2009, you were kind to us for which we are grateful. Welcome 2010, we are looking forward to fresh beginnings, love, laughter, new achievements and happiness!

Happy Holidays!

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From a Love Letter


"Every day the minute I wake up I start thinking about you. Nothing seems to take my mind off you. Even if I get distracted during the day, the pain just gets dull but then it reemerges with a new strength. Sometimes I feel like this pain is crushing me, its weight is more than I can take. On days like these I cannot get out of bed; on days like these longing for you begins to hurt physically. It hurts inside, it numbs my limbs, it drives me insane.

I lost any logical sense of what it is that I feel. It’s indescribable – too big for words, too tangled for analysis of any kind. I only know that there is YOU and that I LOVE YOU. There is no 'why' here – oh, I wish there was, if only I could name the reasons for my extreme feelings for you. If someone could tell me those are all the wrong reasons and I got healed. If only I knew what the cure was, if only I wanted to get cured. What used to be my world is so small now, things that used to matter seem too insignificant. It is always YOU no matter where I look, go, hide…. You’ve become my world, my heart, my breathing. It’s like drowning over and over in the overpowering feeling of love, that lifts me up and destroys at the same time. I do feel destroyed, and hopeless, and old, and weak. Tell me what to do? I am dying without YOU."

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Unpaid Bills Vs. New Jewelry?


Yesterday Jonathan quite unexpectedly brought me a gift: a beautiful Bulgari necklace. I went through a series of mixed emotions: surprise, disbelief, joy, sadness... Not that he never bought jewelry for me - in fact he did, especially in the first couple of years when we just started living together. But then things happened - a baby, mortgage, financial crisis... So I haven't been spoiled by any fancy gifts in the past few years. Even for my birthdays Jonathan would limit the usual fun by taking me out with no presents attached.

Needless to say I felt this childish joy when I got the present - I unwrapped it with my trebling fingers, ran to the mirror to try it on. But then... I couldn't help but questioning its cost. It has been a couple of rough years for us financially. As of now we are at least three months behind on our mortgage. And the bills are so overwhelming. So I started preaching to Jonathan about "You shouldn't have..." and "We cannot afford it.." I know I made him upset. He said he is not returning it so whether I like it or not - I gotta keep it.
Why, oh why couldn't I just accept it, kiss Jonathan gently and call him the best husband ever? Why did I have to kill his enthusiasm to show appreciation and love?
Finances matter - that's beyond doubt, but so does romanticism.

I wish I could learn again to feel like a woman, so desperately loved and desired, that her man would put all of his possessions to her feet asking nothing in return. I wish I could learn to separate feelings from budgeting, love from materialistic issues, happiness from every day routine. Let's all learn to accept gifts with grace and gratefulness, Let's appreciate this magic moment while it lasts, and worry about the bills later.

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Because we are not Prince and Princess


There is no point in reminding you that love is blind. And it doesn’t tolerate questioning at the initial stage. When romance is at its peak – who would want to ruin it by inquiring about some … well, unpleasant habits that you soul-mate might have. Chances are those bad habits might even be put aside for a time being not to scare you away.

But once people start living together, they tend to relax and little by little show other less pretty sides they possess. That’s when it hits you: will I ever learn to live with THAT???

I remember the fist several nights I spent together with my then boyfriend. I made sure not to remove make up so that I still looked pretty when I woke up by his side in the morning. Even though now that I get to think about it – how much beauty is there in the smudged 24-hour old make up… I made sure my hair was always clean; oh, and don’t even get me started on never-ending leg shaving procedure….

Jonathan was a cluster of good manners and he made sure to mind his language when I was around. As of today the cluster of good manners has vanished and the cursing part… I know he is under a lot of stress at work and sometimes he just needs to let the steam off and in order to that he curses the clients using the words that can be found in no dictionary. I just wish I wasn't around to hear that.

My point is – we are all human. We might play the Prince and Princess game for a while but once the game is over we have to face the truth: we are who we are, and our habits, both good and bad, is what we are comprised of. We can work to quit some of our bad habits, but others will live as long as we do. I used to brush my hair wherever I wanted, now bathroom is the only designated area, since Jonathan can’t stand finding my hair wherever he turns to ( I still don’t get how a couple of stray hair here and there can make someone so pissed off). Jonathan is working hard on the “socks everywhere” problem, even though his clothes still seem to occupy every single chair in the living room.

I do get frustrated occasionally about how many bad habits he has… I feel like I should leave him and find a more perfect man. But then I remind myself that no perfect people exist in this world. So I will just have to deal with a new set of bad habits. At least I got used half-way to what I am dealing with right now, why would I want to start over?

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If you don’t like it – Get Out!



Why is it always the easiest solution when a couple is having a fight to just say ‘enough’? Let’s just stop what we have, let’s split, separate, break up, divorce…. Jonathan has said that to me too many times when losing his temper, “If you don’t like it - pack your things and leave!”. Is it supposed to show that he is in control of the situation? Or who is the principal figure in our family and who gets to decide who stays and who must leave? The thing is I always know that he doesn’t mean it, those words are said to hurt me. My pride tells me I am not supposed to swallow it. My pride tells me I must pack my stuff and leave immediately – that will teach him the lesson. But the problem is I don’t have the luxury to play this game without hurting our son: he has to “leave” with me or to stay without mommy. And because I want to leave Peter out of it, I have to pretend that those words don’t penetrate through my skin to get to my heart and hurt me like hell. And Jonathan gets to throw those words at me whenever he feels like it, hurting me time and again.

Why don’t I ever say the same thing to him? Does it mean I am more mature? Well, I have a friend who broke up with her boyfriend 10 times over the course of one year! Just to get back together in a matter of days. Well, she can afford to do it: they don’t have a kid and a mortgage yet. But this is not even the point: at some point you have to outgrow this playing-with-words hobby and get serious. Say what you mean and don’t say what you don’t mean. As simple as that.

So you will ask me: am I going to let him get away with endless pointing me to the door? Well, luckily I’ve found the solution which I am more than willing to share with you. In our most peaceful “phase”, when things were quiet and almost romantic again, I gently told him one day, looking straight into his eyes: “You know, honey, you’ve told me so many times that I should leave, that when I decide that it is time to leave you for real – I won’t have any problems. You just made it so much easier to do”. And you should see panic and fear on his face… He’s been much more careful with words after that – that’s for sure.

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Bringing Personal Problems to Work



It is not always easy to separate your personal life from work. When numbers no longer match in your reports, or your balance sheet doesn’t balance – it’s a signal that the rough time you are having with your spouse is taking its toll on your work performance.

It’s possible to use your marriage hardships as an excuse for not doing your work. You can argue that sometimes you simply cannot switch off your miserable feelings. Yet are you sure it will make you feel better if you end up losing the job?

I will be honest about what inspired me to write this post. The receptionist in our office was fired the other day for so to say ‘unusual pattern of mood swings’. There were days when she would joke like crazy, but mostly she would totally ignore the ‘good-morning’ greetings and wear that unappealing expression on her face, which could imply just one thing: the world has offended her big time. She wasn’t married but according to the rumors she was actively seeking a life partner through dating sites, but would take each failure or rejection too personally which affected her work performance.

So a few ideas how to set a boundary between your personal life and work might be helpful.

1. Opening one door should close the other. Which means the second you walk into your work place, you mentally put a lock on any personal problem thinking. Try to visualize a huge heavy lock every time you mind goes back to the argument you had with your spouse this morning or the divorce papers waiting for you at home: there will be time to think about it, just not now.

2. Boring work leaves room for extra thinking. Engage yourself in some new activities, spice things up. If you have to update a report which has become a routine for you – change the report format, add more colors, experiment with layout. Find some original pictures for your PowerPoint presentation, come up with a new research idea.

3. Open up instead of shutting within. It does not mean that you have to cry on the shoulder of each and every one of your coworkers. Talk about positive things: ask them about their kids, plans for the upcoming holidays, recent shopping deals. Do not underestimate the healing power of communication: it sends your thoughts in a totally new direction.

4. If it is still more than you can take. Things happen, you feel like crap and are ready to lose control. You feel like giving up. You feel like crying. If the feeling is so overpowering, you might give in… but just a little. Give yourself exactly 5 minutes to go to the bathroom and indulge in crying. Once the time is up, put yourself together and go back to work, you should feel some relief. Once you feel the urge again, try to fight it, tell yourself: “I will take the next ‘crying’ break after 3p.m. – not sooner”. You can even put it on the calendar, to “show“ yourself how serious you are. But don’t cheat and keep to the schedule.

And remember: thinking about work as the distraction that you need is essential. It keeps you from falling to the bottom, it keeps you together, it keeps you sane.

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Problems exist in every marriage. So do their solutions.