Married and Have a Crush?

Do you think it’s wrong to have a crush on someone if you are happily (and even not-so happily) married? But maybe the question should be - can you help it? Can you help this feeling of excitement when you notice that someone gives you affectionate gazes that make your heart race and push all the daily problems to the realm of insignificance? It can be unethical. It’s probably immoral. But it’s also very likely to be humanly normal if not healthy.

I’ve accepted long ago that I’m one of those people who constantly has a “slight” crush on someone… well, new… I tried to go in denial the first couple of years after we got married. I played the role of a devoted wife, avoiding as much as looking at other men with untypical enthusiasm. But I was beginning to feel less like a woman, but more like a genderless person. A “dried apricot” is the expression I came across in one book. My husband’s attention and adoration were declining too (naturally) and I felt like I was disappearing. That totally changed when I got a stalker (a weird story of a guy falling for a mom with a stroller, shabby clothes and no makeup on). I wouldn’t think of a better way to shake things up, to shake myself up than having an admirer. Makeup was back on, and clothes shopping jumped up on the list of priorities. I didn’t even like the guy, he wasn’t a creep, probably just a lonely sole, but I was more fascinated with the idea that he liked ME! Apparently, I was still very much likeable. I almost felt sorry when we moved from that neighborhood so I “tossed” the stranger who would wait for me in the park on a regular basis.
But that was the beginning, or resurrection, of my secret life, when I embraced that side of me that has a constant need to be slightly in love with someone other than my husband. I let it be because if this is who I am, I doubt I can change that. But I make sure I’m in control and never let it affect my reality, my family, my attitude. Every time I have a new crush (mostly it’s at work where similar things happen to almost everyone these days), I indulge in a wave of exciting emotions, I devour feeling more alive and welcome this sudden desire to look more attractive, to talk with more charm. And if things get more dramatical than I would want, if emotions are too strong and threaten to escape my control and strike back, I think back and recollect all the similar mini-dramas that took place in the past number of years, and how they all proved meaningless in the end.
I know what’s at stake. My family is all I have and no momentary pleasure can justify ruining the best thing life has given me. It’s my base-camp, my stability, my shelter from life blows because only with my family I can be myself. I’ve always been faithful and I believe that a little bit of daydreaming will not hurt anyone as long as it’s only happening in my head. Moreover, because I know it might happen, I won’t be taken off guard, I’m always prepared to contain the damage while it’s still invisible. I'm very determined not to let phantasy and reality mingle.

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Dropping the D-Bomb – is it in Your Marital Strategy?


I’m a man of my word. Well, it’s actually a woman, to be more precise, but the concept stays the same – I don’t say things I don’t intend to actually do. I don’t utilize empty threats. And I certainly don’t make promises I won’t be able to fulfill (or at least I add “I will try” so as to leave some room for legitimate failure). In 9 years of our marriage I never said “let’s get divorced”. A number of times I did get close to a point when I desperately wanted out. I would think to myself: if I stay in this relationship for another minute, I will lose my sanity. But I learned to ride out these moments of hitting the bottom. There is no such thing as permanent hopelessness – it’s in our nature to keep hoping, to look up and seek light, even if from the depth of a huge black hole that sucked us in momentarily. And it does get better – every storm ends sooner or later. And I don’t have to regret saying things I didn’t mean.

He drops the d-bomb with stoical regularity - I would think he should know better by this time. I admit there were moments especially at the beginning of our relationship when I BELIEVED HIM. I let despair grab hold of me – this is it! It’s the end! How can it be? I would send my mind on an endless marathon of questioning all the things I could still do to prevent the disaster from happening, to save our marriage. Alas, my brilliant marriage-saving strategies never got to be implemented because apparently he didn’t mean it. Of course his words meant to hurt me but not to be supported by the real action.

So getting a d-ultimatum is not life-threatening but obviously pretty annoying, especially if it becomes a habitual ritual of ending each and every fight. So I came up with a way to reverse things and turn black into white. I would silently accept his plea for divorce and even mentally give it to him. Hurray! I am a free woman now! Even if the fight is still happening, I turn my back on him and go about my business – why waste time on an 'ex'? I am a free woman now and there are things to do in my new free life. I can start off by celebrating my freedom for example. I should get myself a bottle of wine and toast to a life of eternally good mood since there will be no one to spoil it. Or I can indulge in some celebratory shopping. Let your imagination rule for a while, dream about all the wonderful things you can do now. Be relieved you are finally free!

It’s only a mental game but it has the much needed power to distract you, to pull you out from your misery (which by the way is as imaginary as your game is). Yet we always let our imagination take the negative route, instead of directing it along the positive path. And maybe if instead of finding ruins where the d-bomb was dropped, he discovers a new independent and flourishing woman, if instead of seeing you devastated he witnesses a positive transformation, he will opt to get rid of his heavy weapons due to their ineffectiveness.Not getting the reaction he wants should make him reconsider his "fighting methods".

Do not underestimate the power of mental games and self-persuasion! Help yourself be in control of your emotions. Act free, feel free, be free.

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Problems exist in every marriage. So do their solutions.