He never wanted a wedding. Every time he offered a different excuse for why we could't plan it - from “we don’t have anyone to invite” to “I wouldn’t feel comfortable in front of all these people”. And I kind of got it, I accepted his reasoning and stopped questioning his lack of desire to celebrate our union with a big special event. But the treacherous thought would still creep in now and then: we could have had a no-guest wedding. Who needs guests? It’s so much better to have an intimate ceremony somewhere on the beach. Or we could have invited a couple of close friends: send them some funky cheap wedding invitations – who needs fancy wedding stationery? We would have a simple event – plain white dress (but bright flowers), simple setting – you don’t need to rent the beach to have a lovely ceremony. And the gorgeous sunset is free too – a perfect replacement for candles, or some expensive lighting people order for their weddings these days. I wouldn’t be asking much yet somehow I didn’t have the guts to make it happen, to put that extra pressure he was trying so hard to avoid.
And now I feel cheated. I made it too easy for him. A neighbor of mine back in single life used to say: make it harder for men, make them conquer you, make them spend money on you, then you will be their precious investment and they will value you higher. And I was thinking – how can you be so pragmatic! There’s no price tag that you can put on a relationship, on true feelings. But isn’t it where the whole taking-for-granted begins? Where your value as a life partner goes down because of all the sacrificing you are capable of? Maybe I should have insisted on the wedding like I insist on better treatment day after day. Maybe I should have valued myself higher so that he did the same. I keep saying that I don't want him spending money on me (because it comes out of our family budget), but isn’t it time to reconsider? His business is everything to him because of the enormous amount of money, time and effort put into it, shouldn’t it be the same way for our relationship? Sometimes I am afraid that by making it too easy for him, by discouraging his efforts I turn myself into an unworthy prize, losing which is not really a big loss. So maybe it was me who instilled this idea in him, that a bare minimum of attention, and time, and feeling is sufficient to keep me satisfied, to keep us together?
