I Don't Need That

Your true nature provides the motive for creating the life you really want.
--Martha Beck, Finding Your Way in a Wild New World

We are standing in line at Six Flags and I'm trying to persuade my husband to go with us on this ride, which looks pretty modest compared to some of the crazier rollercoasters.  Kids as young as 4 are not afraid to go, I say, and we drove so far, and paid these high admission fees. Exasperated by my insistence, he finally yells out, "I don't need that!" Mortified that I just got yelled at in public by my own husband, which never happened before, I also feel guilt. Why did I keep pressing him if he clearly didn't want to go? As much as I was convinced that he would enjoy himself and thank me in the end, the choice was clearly his to make.

Feeling ashamed that he raised his voice, he did get on the ride. The worst part is that the ride was actually pretty scary, I couldn't wait to get off. And judging by his face when it was over, he felt the same way, which only intensified my guilt. I had no right to push him. But the more I think about it, the more I realize how much he is shielding himself from life with the simple phrase "I don't need that". You wanna go to the beach? - I don't need that. - Can we go on vacation? -  I don't need that. - Will you take our son to the movies? -  I don't need that. The only thing he needs is to come from work and glue himself to the TV. Work, TV, work, TV, work, TV - 365 days a year and he is content. Though occasionally he does complain how tired he is from this "dog's life" with no fun in it. To which I just roll my eyes because if I start suggesting the options that could add some variety to it, I will hear the usual "I don't need that".

It's sad because when I apply enough pressure and manage to pull him out of his routine, he appreciates it. After the Cirque du Soleil performance he exclaims in excitement that we should go more often. During our vacation in Cancun he keeps saying that we should look into booking the next vacation right after we come back from this one. And on a rare occasion that we eat out, he says that we will do it once a week from now on. But the minute he is back to his work-TV routine, his enthusiasm wanes and any suggestion of doing something for fun is immediately rejected.

I'm afraid I've exhausted my pushing power. His an adult who is perfectly capable of making his own decisions. I cannot live his life for him. And if the decision is to miss out on life in favor of the work-TV-sleep circle, I should probably respect that. But I don't. Because where does the family fit in?

I know he will have very few good memories. Thinking about the endless TV shows he has watched is unlikely to warm up his heart when he gets old. But if I can't tell him how to live his life, it doesn't mean I should stop living mine. I need these good memories of a great time and I want to ensure that our son has them too. The time spent together as a family exploring life outside our house. We go everywhere we can, the two of us, we talk about what we see and that's how we bond. Me and my son. And neither of us will look back disappointed, because we needed it so much - the adventure, the new experiences, the fun time - so we went and we did it all.