I think all wives
say (or at least think) that at some point in their married life. Probably even
more than once. These moments come and go like tidal waves. But once this
emotional tsunami hits you, it can be really hard to deal with the moment up to
the point you feel like you will never go back to your normal way of thinking.
In my case what
really surprises me is that we can have these really big ugly fights and it
won’t bother me that much, because I know that eventually we’ll make up and
there’s no need to overburden myself with excessive thinking. On ‘war’ days I
just turn off the switch and ignore his existence as well as our co-existence.
But then I get this intense feeling of “I can’t stand this man, how the hell
did I end up with him?” on the most innocent occasions when things are peaceful
between us. It can be his embarrassing behavior in public that will spark the
sudden disgust, the desire to denounce any affiliation with this man. Or it can
be his stupid remark on things of which he has little understanding but still
acts like he is an expert. Or his bad manners, which no amount of preaching and
begging on my side can fix. All of a sudden I would get such a strong reaction
to an almost innocent act or comment of his that it takes up all the space in
my head and pushes out every positive thought that was there before. .
I know it’s best to
ride it out, to let these moments pass, which they always do. Because If I
speak up and let him know about my annoyance, he feels all hurt – “you always
have to criticize me, don’t you?” And I end up feeling bad about my own
bitchiness, and that no one is perfect, and that it’s probably PMS messing with
my nerves… It takes some serious mental work to deal with these “I can’t stand
him” moments.
I lost count of all
the occasions when he made me feel angry, annoyed, frustrated or outraged.
These moments add up to the overall feeling of dissatisfaction: it’s like
eating the dish you like but because someone put this one spice you absolutely
can’t stand, you don’t enjoy the dish anymore since the spice is all that
stands out. It scares me how under the influence of a moment I can wipe out all
the good memories and positive feelings and succumb to a strong desire to criticize
if not push him away.
It’s important to
differentiate between two very different levels of annoyance: when you can’t
stand moments and when you can’t stand him 100% of the time. There is a way to
learn self-control and practice tolerance if dark episodes are followed by
happy, light moments. If you feel that however imperfect and at times annoying
he is, your husband is still your support, your best friend, someone you need
to keep going about life, you can downplay his not-so-successful acts. And that’s
how I feel most of the time: he is the only person who is out there for me no
matter what. I feel ashamed after “telling him off” for embarrassing (from my
point of view) public behavior: why should I even care what others think? They
don’t know his other side, his warmth or his strength that I myself lack at
times. How quick we are to forget the good, and even quicker to notice the bad.
So if I absolutely have to comment on those annoying habits, I approach it with
humor and we both have a good laugh. It wasn’t such a big deal after all, I was
just over reacting. But if every moment of your shared living has turned into
absolute darkness, if you feel utterly relieved when he is not around, if you
feel good about yourself only in the presence of other people, then you
problems are much deeper. When you come to the conclusion “I can’t stand how
much I can’t stand him” and it’s still the same after days or months, then the
healthy balance of good moments vs. bad no longer exists and it’s time for more
drastic steps.
