Marriage Problems Blog - Staying Married Against All Odds

Top Reason for Divorce in 2011?

2011-12-21T11:50:00.000-08:00

So according to this annual study in the UK, priorities have shifted. Being in love is now the #1 requirement for staying happily married. No feelings – no marriage. Just a few generations back it wasn’t that simple to walk away from one’s matrimony. Financial obligations, ‘raising good children’ concern and the reaction of the society were key factors that glued spouses together and made them if not deal, then at least adept to the marital issues, lack of passion being one of them. These days we have enough freedom and personal independence not to put up with things we no longer like or want.

I think the concept of a Better Alternative (I made that up) is to blame. We can have a better anything more and more easily and frequently. Better cell phones and laptops due to never-ending improvements and additional features, better, more reliable cars, home appliances that simplify our already simplified lives even more. You can get an upgrade in virtually every aspect of life, so why not apply it to your marriage. Yes, the union worked well before but now there are wears and tears: why settle for this diminishing value if it’s easier to shop for a new advanced version of Marriage 5.

Well, technology does progress at ridiculous speed: new improved features are added, flaws fixed… But we don’t change like that, we remain human and our flaws stay with us. So if you think that you are heading for a better deal because of all the excitement that a new relationship promises, you want to look back and see how it all started a number of years ago. And where you are now. Because chances are you will be at this point again. And again. As long as you stay on this roller-coaster: fall in love, get married, fall out of love, leave, fall in love again…

Not many people want to work on their marriage any more. We got lazy and spoiled. And discarding old things and replacing them with new, improved ones has never been easier. But in most cases a new relationship means old problems: misunderstanding, under-appreciation, little annoying things we inevitably have to put up with, possibly new bruises and scars in unexplored before areas… It’s impossible to stay madly in love for life, it’s been proven time and again. But working on your relationship is very doable, building it into a strong fort, a solid union which, though it demands certain sacrifices, never fails to give back – that should be the alternative to giving up and moving forward.

May your marriage flourish in 2012!

Thinking About the Wedding I Didn’t Have

2011-11-21T13:54:00.000-08:00

He never wanted a wedding. Every time he offered a different excuse for why we could't plan it - from “we don’t have anyone to invite” to “I wouldn’t feel comfortable in front of all these people”. And I kind of got it, I accepted his reasoning and stopped questioning his lack of desire to celebrate our union with a big special event. But the treacherous thought would still creep in now and then: we could have had a no-guest wedding. Who needs guests? It’s so much better to have an intimate ceremony somewhere on the beach. Or we could have invited a couple of close friends: send them some funky cheap wedding invitations – who needs fancy wedding stationery? We would have a simple event – plain white dress (but bright flowers), simple setting – you don’t need to rent the beach to have a lovely ceremony. And the gorgeous sunset is free too – a perfect replacement for candles, or some expensive lighting people order for their weddings these days. I wouldn’t be asking much yet somehow I didn’t have the guts to make it happen, to put that extra pressure he was trying so hard to avoid.

And now I feel cheated. I made it too easy for him. A neighbor of mine back in single life used to say: make it harder for men, make them conquer you, make them spend money on you, then you will be their precious investment and they will value you higher. And I was thinking – how can you be so pragmatic! There’s no price tag that you can put on a relationship, on true feelings. But isn’t it where the whole taking-for-granted begins? Where your value as a life partner goes down because of all the sacrificing you are capable of? Maybe I should have insisted on the wedding like I insist on better treatment day after day. Maybe I should have valued myself higher so that he did the same. I keep saying that I don't want him spending money on me (because it comes out of our family budget), but isn’t it time to reconsider? His business is everything to him because of the enormous amount of money, time and effort put into it, shouldn’t it be the same way for our relationship? Sometimes I am afraid that by making it too easy for him, by discouraging his efforts I turn myself into an unworthy prize, losing which is not really a big loss. So maybe it was me who instilled this idea in him, that a bare minimum of attention, and time, and feeling is sufficient to keep me satisfied, to keep us together?

Married and Have a Crush?

2011-10-31T08:04:00.000-07:00

Do you think it’s wrong to have a crush on someone if you are happily (and even not-so happily) married? But maybe the question should be - can you help it? Can you help this feeling of excitement when you notice that someone gives you affectionate gazes that make your heart race and push all the daily problems to the realm of insignificance? It can be unethical. It’s probably immoral. But it’s also very likely to be humanly normal if not healthy.

I’ve accepted long ago that I’m one of those people who constantly has a “slight” crush on someone… well, new… I tried to go in denial the first couple of years after we got married. I played the role of a devoted wife, avoiding as much as looking at other men with untypical enthusiasm. But I was beginning to feel less like a woman, but more like a genderless person. A “dried apricot” is the expression I came across in one book. My husband’s attention and adoration were declining too (naturally) and I felt like I was disappearing. That totally changed when I got a stalker (a weird story of a guy falling for a mom with a stroller, shabby clothes and no makeup on). I wouldn’t think of a better way to shake things up, to shake myself up than having an admirer. Makeup was back on, and clothes shopping jumped up on the list of priorities. I didn’t even like the guy, he wasn’t a creep, probably just a lonely sole, but I was more fascinated with the idea that he liked ME! Apparently, I was still very much likeable. I almost felt sorry when we moved from that neighborhood so I “tossed” the stranger who would wait for me in the park on a regular basis.

But that was the beginning, or resurrection, of my secret life, when I embraced that side of me that has a constant need to be slightly in love with someone other than my husband. I let it be because if this is who I am, I doubt I can change that. But I make sure I’m in control and never let it affect my reality, my family, my attitude. Every time I have a new crush (mostly it’s at work where similar things happen to almost everyone these days), I indulge in a wave of exciting emotions, I devour feeling more alive and welcome this sudden desire to look more attractive, to talk with more charm. And if things get more dramatical than I would want, if emotions are too strong and threaten to escape my control and strike back, I think back and recollect all the similar mini-dramas that took place in the past number of years, and how they all proved meaningless in the end.

I know what’s at stake. My family is all I have and no momentary pleasure can justify ruining the best thing life has given me. It’s my base-camp, my stability, my shelter from life blows because only with my family I can be myself. I’ve always been faithful and I believe that a little bit of daydreaming will not hurt anyone as long as it’s only happening in my head. Moreover, because I know it might happen, I won’t be taken off guard, I’m always prepared to contain the damage while it’s still invisible. I'm very determined not to let phantasy and reality mingle.

Dropping the D-Bomb – is it in Your Marital Strategy?

2011-10-19T13:43:00.000-07:00

I’m a man of my word. Well, it’s actually a woman, to be more precise, but the concept stays the same – I don’t say things I don’t intend to actually do. I don’t utilize empty threats. And I certainly don’t make promises I won’t be able to fulfill (or at least I add “I will try” so as to leave some room for legitimate failure). In 9 years of our marriage I never said “let’s get divorced”. A number of times I did get close to a point when I desperately wanted out. I would think to myself: if I stay in this relationship for another minute, I will lose my sanity. But I learned to ride out these moments of hitting the bottom. There is no such thing as permanent hopelessness – it’s in our nature to keep hoping, to look up and seek light, even if from the depth of a huge black hole that sucked us in momentarily. And it does get better – every storm ends sooner or later. And I don’t have to regret saying things I didn’t mean.

He drops the d-bomb with stoical regularity - I would think he should know better by this time. I admit there were moments especially at the beginning of our relationship when I BELIEVED HIM. I let despair grab hold of me – this is it! It’s the end! How can it be? I would send my mind on an endless marathon of questioning all the things I could still do to prevent the disaster from happening, to save our marriage. Alas, my brilliant marriage-saving strategies never got to be implemented because apparently he didn’t mean it. Of course his words meant to hurt me but not to be supported by the real action.

So getting a d-ultimatum is not life-threatening but obviously pretty annoying, especially if it becomes a habitual ritual of ending each and every fight. So I came up with a way to reverse things and turn black into white. I would silently accept his plea for divorce and even mentally give it to him. Hurray! I am a free woman now! Even if the fight is still happening, I turn my back on him and go about my business – why waste time on an 'ex'? I am a free woman now and there are things to do in my new free life. I can start off by celebrating my freedom for example. I should get myself a bottle of wine and toast to a life of eternally good mood since there will be no one to spoil it. Or I can indulge in some celebratory shopping. Let your imagination rule for a while, dream about all the wonderful things you can do now. Be relieved you are finally free!

It’s only a mental game but it has the much needed power to distract you, to pull you out from your misery (which by the way is as imaginary as your game is). Yet we always let our imagination take the negative route, instead of directing it along the positive path. And maybe if instead of finding ruins where the d-bomb was dropped, he discovers a new independent and flourishing woman, if instead of seeing you devastated he witnesses a positive transformation, he will opt to get rid of his heavy weapons due to their ineffectiveness.Not getting the reaction he wants should make him reconsider his "fighting methods".

Do not underestimate the power of mental games and self-persuasion! Help yourself be in control of your emotions. Act free, feel free, be free.

Are You Feeling Unappreciated in Your Marriage?

2011-08-22T11:31:00.000-07:00

Even when everything is seemingly well in a long-term relationship or marriage, many partners frequently deal with a vague feeling of dissatisfaction, like something is missing from the picture but they simply cannot grasp what’s at the root of this discontent. It often takes an insignificant event such as a random compliment from a stranger, or playful flirtation from a coworker for it to suddenly hit you: I just felt better about myself than I did for years. Alas, it’s inevitable: taking or being taken for granted is a pretty natural part in the evolution of marriage. The longer you share your lives, the less you marvel at each gesture, comment, act or reaction coming from your partner. It’s both a plus and a minus – you learn to underreact if he or she offends you, whether intentionally or not; you ignore some annoying habits, and you definitely lower your expectations. But along with downplaying the negative comes this habitual unappreciation that can lead to serious consequences, adultery being one of them.

So why is it so painful to feel that you are taken for granted? Because our ego demands recognition, acknowledgment of everything we do and the value we bring to this world. Because we need something to justify our existence. Because we have this desperate need to feel good about ourselves, and when that doesn’t happen, we feel just the opposite and no one wants to deal with low self- esteem and the whole ‘i-am-a-loser’ label. When we are not appreciated at work, or by our kids, or (this is the worst) by our spouses, we are very inclined to stop trying. What’s the point?

Unappreciation in marriage happens in various forms: lack of attention to your looks (you are not attracted to me, you don’t even notice what I wear); your contribution to the family well-being or order (whether it is bringing home your paycheck, cooking or taking your kid to the kids birthday party which you never fail to leave without a headache); your personal qualities (compassion, showing support, good listening skills, adventurous nature or good sense of humor); your sacrifices (I don’t even remember the last time I had a girls-night-out…) And certainly we are all guilty of the same flaw. My husband often complains how no one values enough the long hours he puts at work to make sure our mortgage is paid or endless shopping he does so that our fridge is never empty. I appreciate it, it’s just that most of the time I forget that I do. I don’t voice my appreciation because I’m pretty sure he already knows. And maybe he does but he still needs to hear it. Just like I need to be assured out loud that I am a gorgeous talented perfect wife and mother, that I am the best … at least in his eyes.

It all comes down to mere gratitude. Saying thank you. Giving a praise. Making the other feel good even in little things. It makes me feel good when he compliments the dinner I made, or when he suddenly texts me the “i-miss-you” words in the middle of the day, or tells me I look pretty with my newly-invented hairdo. It gives me calm and confidence when out of the blue he would sigh, “I love you, I don’t know why but I do love you”. It pushes my doubts and disappointment to the level of non-importance.

I don’t like when days go by with him acting like he doesn’t notice me. I hate it when he doesn’t keep his promises, refuses to help me or eats the meal I spent so much time cooking in front of TV. I am hurt when he says I don’t raise our kid the right way. But most of all I suffer on days when he acts like “love is gone” and I am someone he is stuck with, someone he has to tolerate; then I have to chase away the thought that maybe it’s time to move on…

And I know he feels the same way: he needs my reassurance of love; he wants to know that he plays a big role in my life, that without him I’m all lost and helpless. He needs to know that he is the man, the rock, the protector. Because it encourages him to be strong, to love and protect. Too often we underestimate the huge value of showing appreciation and expressing gratitude, we are recklessly greedy with our thank-yous. But unless we work on making appreciation a ubiquitous component of our relationship, there is always a chance it will be sought (and maybe found) elsewhere.

For Better Or Worse

2011-08-12T11:05:00.000-07:00

I can be a really awesome wife. Supportive, understanding, gentle, caring – you name it. It’s just that my experience shows that the harder I try, the less my efforts are noticed or appreciated. He thinks that’s the way I should be, that’s what is naturally expected of me and I should carry on playing the role of a perfect wife 24/7. And on my good-wife days he suddenly turns into a very flawed husband – mean, bossy and arrogant. And I become second class.

There are also periods of time when I seriously suck. Not even as a wife, as a person in general. I make zero efforts to curtail my temper, I let my emotions take over and control what I say: I’m annoyed with everyone and everything and I make sure that everyone and everything “get” it. I probably exaggerated just now: I’m not that bad, just human. So I say or do something under the influence of the moment and then feel terribly sorry. But all of a sudden he treats me differently: he actually treats me better when I am worse. He has more patience and forgiveness in him as if to compensate for my temporary inability to be sensible and fair.

So we frequently trade parts: when I give up trying – he tries double hard; when I "invest" into improving our relationship – he alienates himself and increases the distance. How do we get off this seesaw and return to a fair union where both are trying and both are appreciative of the other’s efforts and sacrifices?

When Men Are Mad

2011-08-08T08:56:00.000-07:00

Many men are prone to mood swings. So are women but at least we have hormones to blame. And there’s probably some scientific explanation for male tantrums but I’m not interested to explore the causation or the processes involved. I want to understand how to react to those sudden changes in the mood that come out of nowhere and pass as abruptly. It seems like trying to prevent them is useless: sometimes the most harmless comment or action of mine provoke the undesired reaction – he stops talking and acts like he is so offended. Yet frequently, upon digging deeper, I discovered I wasn’t really the cause. I was more of an excuse to vent, the last drop so to say, because something bad happened at work and he was trying to cope but it only took a spark for all the stressing-out to come exploding to the surface.

My dad is very moody, so is my husband; and I notice a sprout of bad-mood-caused-meanness in my son, especially when he is tired or had a bad day at school. I have more patience for my son because he is yet to learn to deal with stress without taking it out on others. I let my mom deal with my dad because his “silent days” affect her more than anyone else. It’s my husband who I have to deal with, but do I?

When I first encountered his mood swings it bothered me a lot. I had to deal with them, I had to do something. And I did try a number of things: asking questions (that only annoyed him more), being all nice and supportive (I didn’t last too long if I saw no reaction from him), confronting him (always ended in a fight yet he barely ever gave out his true reasons so it was a fight about nothing). What made the whole situation worse was that I felt guilty – no matter how many times I would tell myself I did nothing wrong, I still felt like I did. And I wanted to fix it but I didn’t understand what it was that required fixing. That and his contagious glum would make me irritable and at times very miserable.

And then I watched my mom trying “to fix” a similar problem. I saw how her questions “Is something wrong? Did I upset you? Has something happened?” annoyed the crap out of my dad. But I also noticed certain satisfaction: it does feel good to sulk when someone is helping you to feel all righteous about your bad mood by acting guilty.

So I trained myself to withdraw at the first sign of my husband’s mood shift. It can mean shutting up in the middle of a sentence or having dinner in my room all by myself. I leave him alone to sort out whatever it is that’s causing his bad mood. I choose not to be involved, not even think about it - it’s like I go on vacation even though physically I’m still in the house. I don’t engage in guessing what’s going on, or sorting out my recent actions or words. I protect myself because I did nothing wrong to provoke it and even if I did, there’s always a civil way to talk about it.

I think my lack of reaction annoyed him at first: he wanted me to say something so that he could “act out”. But I refused to be a detonator of the forthcoming fight. And he had no choice but to wait till his internal storm subsided and he was back to his true calm self. Then he would talk to me nicely and might even mention why he was so down the previous couple of days. Or he might not and just let it all pass. I leave the choice to him just like I choose not to be a participant or the victim of the mood swings, which, even if it seems like it, have nothing to do with me.

Things That Only You Know

2011-07-27T08:41:00.001-07:00

At times I find it scary to think that no one knows my husband better than me, with all the hidden passages in his mindset, his controversy, his true reactions to events and people. We’ve been together for almost a decade. What he was before he met me is what he no longer is and I am only a partial reason for the change. There were other variables to it – becoming a parent, settling into a more domestic life, getting a taste of what financial crisis is both in his business and our family budget.

People only get to see the sides of him he chooses to show. I get to see more with that internal look I’m allowed to take when no one else can witness his true personality. What he really is like when he can relax, protected by the walls of our home, when all the masks are taken off. I’ve seen deeper layers, both good and bad, and maybe that’s the key basis of the intimacy that two people share when sharing their lives.

I’ve seen him in vulnerability and despair his usual manliness conceals from others outside home. I’ve seen his softer side when he melts from the affection for me and our son, those occasional moments we all have when love fills us up to the edge and begins to overflow. I’ve seen manifestation of surprising cruelty, that emerges from darker depth, hurts me badly, and retreats as suddenly, leaving hurt feelings in me and painful penance in him. On days he acts like I’m a stranger whose presence is to be tolerated, I withdraw and console myself by thinking – this too shall pass. It’s like two different people coexist and fight for air in the same person, one or the other occasionally wins but mostly they are both subdued and controlled.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t know or see what no one but me gets to witness. But frequently I’m exultant that I’m the only one who gets treated like THAT, the way he worries about me, how he still expresses gratitude for having met me, for having me in his life. I guess you have to go in all the way, even if it means learning to deal with a few unpleasant surprises that all of us have but choose to hide, and only intimacy allows them to come up to the surface. Like he knows me and deals with me in my not so stellar moments… It’s the connection you want to deny, but it is there, stronger than any “marital glue” you can imagine, for those secrets, that naked honesty of feeling you share chains you together, making you one.

Does Your Spouse Ever Embarrass You?

2011-07-12T12:28:00.000-07:00

We both lead a semi-independent kind of lifestyle. Meaning we each mostly do our own thing and don’t go places together that often. It got established that way due to my husband’s intense work schedule: as a business owner he usually works without days off. The selfless devotion he developed for his business affects many aspects of his daily life. For example it takes a toll on how he talks to people outside work. Like he is the boss.

Yesterday all three of us happened to be in one place together (and I’m not talking about the house): my son’s new dance school. After the class my husband walked up to the dance teacher to “introduce himself”. Here’s a replay of the conversation that happened:

Husband: Hello, my name is… I am the father of… we chose your school…. Blah-blah-blah

Teacher: Nice to meet you!

Husband: How is my son doing? How is his progress?

Teacher: He is doing….

Husband: He’s been training with another teacher for two years, competing in the contests, dancing with this girl… (details… more details…)

Teacher: We also do contests: regional and …

Husband: Very good. This is so good. Let’s see how it goes. This is all hard labor. (a tirade of meaningless compliments goes on…)

Teacher (finally manages to say a full sentence): Do you want to keep the old partner or find a new one?

Husband: Not sure yet, first he needs to improve his dancing. We rely on you, who you will recommend, some talented girl.

Teacher: I don’t usually interfere in the partner choice.

Husband (obviously not listening): So yeah, we’ll do as you say, if you recommend some girl, it will be nice, please find him someone.

I was so freaking embarrassed. What’s the point of asking questions if you don’t bother listen to answers?!? Why interrupt in mid-sentence? Why act like the teacher is reporting to you and you are the boss? I notice that people are frequently intimidated by him, and maybe it’s not always a bad thing, maybe the teacher will now give special attention to our son. But this kind of disrespectful treatment of people upsets me enormously, makes me feel ashamed and somewhat responsible, like parents feel responsible for the mischievous acts conducted by their kids. Should I feel bad about his lack of manners? Does it show that I tolerate this kind of rude behavior, consider it normal? (I don’t by the way, I insist on him talking politely to me when he forgets himself occasionally. He is also a pretty good listener at home.)

Does your spouse ever embarrass you in public and make you suddenly feel, even just for a moment, surprised that this is the person you are living with?

Communication Problems in Marriage Part II

2011-05-23T07:19:00.000-07:00

And again I was responding to one of the reader's comments and it came out too long, so I might as well publish my thoughts as a separate post to continue with the "communication problems" topic.

Here's the similar experience of another struggling wife:

"I wish I could get my husband to have one of those "productive hearty talks." *sigh* It's been a week since our last fight (my husband sounds a lot like yours--a small spark and he erupts) He yelled at me until he suddenly retreated to his room and hasn't spoken to me since. So, even though I agree that having no communication this week has kept us from having a fight, it gets to a point where I feel a need to talk about what happened (Without him yelling at me). My husband just keeps things inside until he has forgotten about them enough that one day, magically, he acts like the past week (or month) has never happened. "

Big sigh in return... It's all too familiar. Just last Saturday my husband got upset with me about something, said a few harsh things and rushed out of the house without breakfast, as if he couldn’t bear to stay there with me another second. I was beating myself the whole day trying to think what I did wrong. I was considering calling him up to confront him what exactly made him so unhappy but I sensed he would evade the answers. I felt down as well as guilty – just didn’t know what for. But then I thought – his reaction is his problem. It’s still the same me, I am not a bad person and even if I did do something wrong, it wasn’t of the magnitude enough for someone to start despising me. There isn’t less of me even if someone's attitude implied otherwise. And I didn't become "unworthy" even though I almost felt the inclination to feel so. But I fought the negative thoughts and I carried on as usual, with my chin lifted, and my dignity, slightly dented, by all in all intact.

Maybe your husband can sense your urge to talk and deliberately avoids it because of that? Or maybe he needs time and space to cool off? Regardless his intentions and reasons, try to protect yourself first. Think of your arguments and best way to present them, in case he is ready to talk soon. But also think of the ways to distract yourself if he isn’t. Keep busy with other things. Right now you play by his terms but you can absolutely reverse that. Tell yourself that you are beautiful, smart and loveable, and no one can take it from you. And then act like it. I don’t mean arrogant, more like friendly but with dignity. Men are often like kids – trying out different reactions to test your limits. And sometimes they charge their ego on your neediness, which every fight emphasizes even more. Being the same cool you no matter what will discourage them to experiment too much.

We also have a lot of “buried” arguments, that are forgotten without being resolved. Sometimes we want different things so I accept his reluctance to talk and don’t push it. But I do have a “discussion” in my head, where I get to state all my reasons and then make the imaginary "court" declare me 100% right and “clear me of all the charges”. And knowing that I was right makes me feel better and more lenient towards the defeated side ;)

Thank you so much for your comment, it's always interesting to learn about couples having similar issues and how they are dealing with them.

Communication Problems in Marriage

2011-05-16T07:43:00.000-07:00

I don’t know about you, but we keep most of our thoughts to ourselves. As much as they (marriage counselors) advise communication to keep your relationship functioning, to us it tends to backfire. It’s like living in the highly-flammable atmosphere and one spark is enough to set off a blast. And neither of us like dealing with the aftermath. It’s hard to say why communicating isn’t always working for us. Maybe we are too different and operate in frequencies that have little in common. Or maybe we are too alike: two stubborn mules that refuse to accept that the other is right. And probably there isn’t enough room for both of our over-sized egos. Even when we try to talk out whatever problems we have, we end up fighting. And what’s really frustrating is that neither of really attempts to listen, to hear the other side: we choose to presume that the “other’s” perspective cannot coexist with “mine”.

So I felt more and more convinced that silence can be a helpful device, for our relationship in particular. I even wrote a post on that last week, just didn’t have time to edit and publish it. And I am glad I didn’t because yesterday we had one of those productive hearty talks that brought the long-sought relief to both of us. It concerned raising our son: he felt too alienated from the process, I felt too overburdened, like he left me to deal with it alone and I wasn’t always successful. He showed me his side of things and how deep his pain was, and I showed him mine. There was no equilibrium and everyone suffered, just in the opposite way. And this mutual suffering, when heard out and acknowledged, made us even. We were both victims and we were both guilty of doing things the wrong way, which made us realize that we are not enemies. We are in the same boat and it takes everyone’s effort to keep the balance and make it float.

It’s always easier to withdraw, to avoid intense discussions because we believe that it’s the best way to avoid pain. But those unanswered questions and unexpressed concerns only pile up inside. They make you angry, the kind of subconscious anger you no longer know the roots of, because you let things clutter for too long. I know that sometimes I have to force myself to communicate, and many times I fail, but the benefit of clearing things cannot compare to hiding them deep inside, hoping that they will resolve on their own.

Happy Married Days

2011-05-09T07:58:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we have those cloudless days of close-to-absolute happiness. I don’t know if it has to do with the warm spring weather and blossoming trees, or maybe those are fortunate for love days from the astrological point of view, or maybe our acts of goodness (and more importantly acts of patience) granted us enough good karma to enjoy these days of peace. The reasons could be beyond my understanding – all I know is these moments do happen, and we are both so gentle, and agreeable, and patient (not the usual forced kind of patience though), and effortlessly forgiving. We are almost in love like in those early days when love was such a source of novelty, surprise and endless bliss; back then we viewed every other aspect of life through a thin layer of love we shared, love was omnipresent.

So these peaceful days create a noticeable contrast to the busy, even mindless life we have, as well as to the dark days that occur in our relationship now and then. And it’s probably the contrast that makes you more appreciative of these rare moments of shared happiness, which takes you to a different level than plain old everyday content. You relax with your words and actions. You are calmer and kinder. And you are definitely more confident, because at least temporarily you can put to rest all that doubt and self-questioning, but feel desired and very attractive for a change.

Some can exclaim - what the hack is she talking about? That’s what a normal marriage should be like. Every day. But it is not for me. Mine is a crazy roller coaster. I acknowledge when we hit the bottom so it would only be fair to acknowledge when we reach the top. And try to prolong our stay there. It will be of great help to guide us though the time when we are going down instead of up. So when the serene days are over and the usual problems creep in, memories will last long enough to remind us that we are not together for nothing. And for that I am sincerely grateful.

Movie Night

2011-04-18T08:35:00.000-07:00

As it is we went to the movies. 8 years later we went to the movies together for the first time. Till the last moment I thought he will bail out of it, but he did come with us. Though he did jump on the work-related call just as we parked the car and were all in the let-the-fun-begin mood. He hated the theater (it did smell kind of nasty). He didn’t like the idea of wearing the glasses even though you can’t watch a 3D movie without them. I volunteered to go get popcorn which he barely touched. And of course of all the people he had the “luck” to sit in front of the boy who kept kicking on his chair, but instead of asking him to stop he just sat there slowly filling up on disdain and anger. And the movie itself was too boring and naïve for his taste. He did laugh a couple of times at odd places. But mostly I just sensed his tension which spread onto me so I couldn’t enjoy a rather enjoyable movie either. I noticed all the annoying things that I successfully ignored before: babies crying, loud ladies with too loud laughter, snacks being unwrapped wits rustle. Then he started checking his phone – I saw no missed calls on the screen. Yet he asked what time the movie ends. Then he suddenly had enough – he walked out in the middle of it saying he will wait for us in the car. I will never believe that sitting in the car can be more enjoyable than sitting in the movie. Yet it was a relief when he left as though he took all the tension with him. I finally got into the movie as I should have from the start and felt the familiar pleasure of being carried away, into another world, another reality.

He barely spoke in the car, though he did ask how we liked the movie. I barely spoke too struggling to accept, embrace, make peace with the fact that I share my life with someone who doesn’t know how to enjoy anything. Dry. Spiteful. Impatient. Always cranky. What I didn’t want to see or fully acknowledge was presented to me in a most bold form. I don’t complain. I probably don’t even have regrets. It is what it is no matter how annoying the phrase is.

I do want to ask – why? And why me? And if there’s hope? And will it change? For now I’m just trying to deflate a little that big balloon of hurt, minimize its effect and, as another beaten-up phrase suggests, focus on the positive. Is wanting to share my unshared life too much to wish for?

Broken Pieces

2011-03-17T09:05:00.000-07:00

I broke a plate this morning and it felt good to smash it on the floor, to feel a morbid satisfaction from seeing it breaking into pieces (for a fraction of a second I thought it wouldn’t break). It was a moment of culmination that brought us back to our senses and stopped the fight when it barely started. Too bad it happened to be a plate from a brand new set so the remorse lingers: why I couldn’t I have picked out some old cracked bowl?!

I’ve broken enough plates in this relationship and the act always brings relief, inexplicable redemption; it’s like a period at the end of a long and confusing sentence when you run out of places to put commas. A timely explosion, a rather welcoming meltdown that prevents something bigger from breaking: it’s buried inside, so fragile and weak, but you’d rather break a brand new plate than let the fury in, than expose yourself to its demolishing power.

He said, “All your life is broken…” but in a calm voice now, since the crashing sound abruptly made screaming irrelevant for both of us. And he busied himself with cleaning the mess, which showed clearly that he took the blame. Unleashed anger can do more damage than we possibly imagine when blind rage sends only one command to your brain, “fight!” And before you know it, it’s too late and the words yelled out will be carved in both your memories forever and no amount of good make-up acts can erase them or help you pretend they were never said.

But he got it all wrong: broken plates do not symbolize my broken life or crushed hopes for happiness. I break them so as to stop us from breaking more important unfixable things. For a long time I considered it a coping method of mine but it does us both a service. It makes us both stop before we cross the line, it helps us go on unbroken. And maybe one day I will discover a less savage way of keeping us sane when we are about to lose it. But this morning the broken plate was the necessary sacrifice that saved both our faces.

"Leave My House" or My Reponse to a Comment

2011-03-14T08:54:00.000-07:00

I got an emotional yet thought-provoking comment to my post "Stick With Reality" from one of the readers. I wrote such a long response that I might as well publish it as a separate post.

Hi Layla
I am not an avid blogger but started the day hoping to find some opinions that would guide my dead marriage.Its good to know that you are ready to unlock mysteries hidden inside your "someday good,someday bad" husband. I strongly believe that people tend to drag such relationship because they fail to see a better life outside.I am now married for 9yrs and have a lovely 7 yrs old boy. Its easy to say that I waited so long because I wanted to give my child a normal environment to grow. But the fights are becoming too frequent,many a times right in front of my son. After every fight my husband will succeed in pulling him in his side by way of taking him out or buying him expensive gifts. I know the poor child needs to be diverted from domestic hatred that is brewing among us adult but this has caused a big gap between me and him. He wants to be with his dad and sometimes when he is angry he even tells me to leave the house(the way his dad says) and that he wants to be with dad and not me.All these years I waited for him to grow....like this?
Still I would have thought of continuing,had there been a life of little dignity.
He doesn't want to talk..recently I begged him to talk but he shouted" I don't Value you" so no need to talk. "Get out","Go to your dad's house","leave my house"...these words are regular. I don't know,how am I going to do it...I know right now there is nothing better outside....but after many painful and sleepless nights,I have come to the decision to give my life a chance to live with dignity.

I am not a marriage counselor, I just share my own experience, but as a person who's been there I would like to respond to you.

I've heard things like "Pack your things and leave!" a number of times, I've been cursed at a number of times. I do not respond to any of that, I immerse myself into silence - not the "I'm-not-talking-to-you" type of silence, but the one that shows that I am ready to talk but only in a civilized way. Rudeness automatically turns on my "deafness" and "muteness" and that's the way to preserve my dignity and cool down his overheated temper. It's a waste of time to respond to these empty threats (if he truly wanted you to leave, he would personally pack your bags and put them outside the front door), but he uses them because it's a way to hurt you since you obviously still let these things get to you.

I devote so much of my time and attention to our son: reading to him, inventing games, helping with homework, watching kids movies together. And my husband just takes him to Toys R Us once every 3 months and it goes like "take whatever you want, son!" And immediately the scale shift to his benefit. So that's also familiar. But I know that in a matter of days all those cool toys will be scattered around totally forgotten. They will not be the central piece of his childhood memories when he grows up, but your love, attention, and shared experience will be.

The dangerous part is when your son begins mimicking his father and treats you without respect. In these situations I usually tell my son firmly, "I will only talk to you when you calm down and go back to being polite". I know he will outgrow it: for now it's nothing but a childish way to express negative emotions by copying the way adults do it. But I dread that one day he will treat his wife poorly so I do everything in my power to emphasize the cruelness of maltreatment - whether it's bullying at school, or husband yelling at his wife. I know that my stories and examples will root deeper than the impression caused by all the toys and games combined. Children grow up and the veil falls from their eyes: then they can judge everything for themselves and all the manipulative practices used on them in childhood come to the surface. And when it comes to my side of the parenting job I have no worries: I never attempt to buy love, I just give it unconditionally and it will be fully appreciated if not now then in a number of years.

I know your pain far too well because those are all familiar hurts. But not everybody has it the easy way. And I don’t encourage you to ignore the problems, just on the contrary make sure to have a “room” in your heart, where you store all the unfairness, the ill treatment, the abuse moments you experience in your marriage. This way you keep your eyes open and don’t pretend that things are fine. But make sure it’s not the only room or the biggest room. Make sure you preserve self-respect and communicate that you still have it in abundance. And sometimes it really helps to close up so that your husband’s poisonous “arrows” hit the wall and do no harm: when he can’t hurt you he may lose any interest in trying.

Feeling Hopeless In Marriage

2011-03-09T13:35:00.000-08:00

I have my dark days. And when these days come, nothing that I do can help elevate the gruesome feeling of hopelessness and resentment. Then my thoughts begin to spin in circle: that’s not what I signed up for! I deserve better! It’s not fair! The inner storm escalates to a point where I beg for a sign pointing to the exit, something that says “escape is that way”, which I will follow without hesitation out of fear to explode. But there isn’t always escape, nor do I end up exploding with indignation. I plunge into deep mental work of sorting myself out, sorting us both out, letting the storm subside so that I can breathe normally again.

There are really two paths that I may choose to take: the dark and the happy one. And I’ve set down the dark path many times, always reaching the point when I knew I had to turn back, give it another chance. It’s the path of negative emotions, finding faults, blaming, hating and non-talking. Something you could rightfully call the “cold war” for no missiles are launched (such as filing for divorce) but the anticipation of the breakup is in the air. It’s when you do nasty things to each other to hurt back for all the past, present and future wounds, when all your actions are aimed at expressing contempt, even disgust. But you don't leave. Yet.

I’ve never walked down that road for more than a few days, a couple of weeks at maximum for the fear of destructive consequences this approach has on my soul. I would become a bitter scornful woman, get soaked with disdain. I would darken the already thick darkness. So I always chose to come back and initiate appeasement. But many people live in the state of cold war for years. And even as they head for divorce, the resentment lingers long afterward. No enemy left to fight but the fighting habit remains. And whole years are to be erased from you memory.

I don’t know how things will end for me. And I become even more clueless in my dark days. All I know is that I am not capable of choosing the path of hatred, I value my life and my dignity higher than that. Letting someone destroy you is as good as choosing to destroy yourself. So I will always choose the path of love and forgiveness, even knowing that this love is undeserved and unappreciated. Regardless the outcome, I want to be able to look back and see myself not losing dignity, rising above the hurt feelings. There’s always some light in our married days, weeks, years – our experience, our growth up to the point of complete transformation, all the wisdom that we acquire along the way. It’s just up to us whether we choose to see it or ditch these years as a complete waste of time.

I Want To Be Loved But Am I Loveable Enough?

2011-02-28T09:28:00.000-08:00

We change in marriage. It would probably be proper to say that we relax. The “case” is won, there’s no longer need to be alert every second, try hard to look and sound good. Yet even as we ease into the marital routine, we still long to be loved as much as we were back in the old passionate days of inceptive dating. I don’t mean to question anybody’s lovability – we all deserve love and happiness in this life, but I would argue that in most cases we are to blame for losing our appeal in the eyes of the significant other.

You know it’s time to reverse the change when you realize that you are no longer “the sweet girl” your husband married a number of years ago (or a “loving-caring gentleman” in a guy's case). Your initial defensive reaction would be – he/she made me turn out that way! If I were treated better/loved more, I would still be the sweetest angel one can’t help but adore. But establishing cause and effect relationship here is not as straightforward: are you loved less because you are no longer so loveable or you are less loveable because you are not loved as much?

Why not try being nice and civil regardless the circumstances, be above fighting and the negative emotion display? I caught myself many times thinking: you hurt me and you’ll get the attitude you deserve! And I would stick with the decision making sure to stay gloomy and cranky for days (it takes constant reminding to keep doing that and not switch to accidental cheerfulness). But then something will prompt me to take a step aside, look at myself from a different angle and exclaim in surprise: this is not what I am!

By no means I am suggesting to put up with someone’s crap or ill-treatment and only smile your friendliest smile in return. I only want to warn about falling into a trap of your own negative reactions, when trying too hard to act bitchy you turn into a real b… ah, well, bad woman. It’s vital to differentiate between acting how you feel and feeling and becoming the way you act.

This morning I was upset with my husband, and I had the urge to show him my resentment in full colors. But I didn’t, I chose to be smiley and friendly instead, because that’s the woman I want to be, that’s the woman I am. I want my ability to be loveable to precede anything else because that changes the whole who’s-right-who’s-wrong outcome: it no longer matters. So I see his eyes filled with guilt (I wouldn’t have achieved it with reproach): if I want to raise above the quarrel and stay on nice terms, he now wants to do the same. And in addition he feels guilty but relieved.

When you try to be loveable you dismiss a good number of reasons not to be loved plus you stay in peace with yourself: you did not descend, you did not become that unattractive ever-dissatisfied spouse, even if you had every reason to.

Stick with Reality

2011-02-10T08:01:00.000-08:00

Returning home late last night, I took a taxi and was thoroughly entertained by the extremely chatty Mexican driver. He told me all about his life, his jobs, past and present, his upcoming divorce (“that’s life”, he sighed), and his 4 grown children. Then, probably in gratitude for my good listening, he switched to questioning me. “Are you married?” – “Yes”. – “Kids?” – “Yes, one.” – “Husband… good?” (like you can answer that in one word) – “Well, some days good, some days not so good.” ( I actually managed to come up with this very truthful answer) – “If husband no good – leave him”.

There it is. You hear a different variation of this solution to all marital problems all throughout your married life. Your mom says, “You could do better”. Your girlfriends hint, “find someone else, there's plenty of fish in the sea”. I should call it a walk-away approach. Like the earth is inhabited by princes and I was unfortunate to pick the only (well, one of the few) ugly toad. All I have to do now is wake up from this enchanted sleep and fall straight into the arms of the most noble flawless insanely-gorgeous male creature, patiently waiting on the steps of my castl... I mean suburban house.

And why exactly do I deserve to live side by side with this Mister Perfection? I don’t mean to depreciate myself, I think I have a rather healthy self-esteem whereas I accept that I am just human with all the imperfections that are inevitably a part of human nature. I would feel extremely bad for the Prince having to endure my usual morning sourness, somehow I feel my husband is better fit for the job for he knows I will pay him back by tolerating his occasional moodiness.

So I want to say to all my dear well-wishers: instead of chasing elusive promises of a better life with a better person, or dreaming of a phantom ideal relationship, I would rather try to dig for more hidden treasure in my imperfect husband, who happens to be the only man present in my nonfictional life.

Ever After

2011-02-07T09:06:00.000-08:00

"It is only possible to live happily-ever-after on a day-to-day basis."
Margaret Bonnano

So if the whole “happily ever after concept” is utopia, how can we keep on going once this huge disappointing discovery shows its face? The first months (for some even years) of marriage are all sunshine, and rainbow, and star shower; but as it progresses further, we get more and more cloudy days, with occasional storms that leave a lot of destruction and devastation behind. Some days are so foggy we can barely see what’s around and opt to hide inside till the surroundings clear up. And sometimes you are forced to live in the longest polar night and you forget how it feels to see the light…

I used to believe that strong beginnings provide you with extra strength in the rough times: you can lean on the best of your memories and persuade yourself that if happiness was possible back then, why not replicate it now with minor adjustments? What an erroneous notion: you can only ride shortly on the quickly evaporating fuel made of blissful memories. Very soon your matrimonial vehicle will need new gas, the fact that you filled up the tank years ago won’t be good enough.

Only today matters. And every day is a new today. You might still care about yesterday, you can go as far as the past week with your appreciation, but you are very unlikely to care what happened a month ago. You can’t feel the same way you felt back then, the past emotions get buried under an avalanche of all the new feelings you incurred since then.

It’s disastrous to think that you will give more effort to your relationship next month/year, or when you have more time, or when you are out of a major bout of depression, or when a daunting project is completed at work, or when the kids get a little older and don’t need as much of your attention, or when you are in a better financial state. Only today matters. You might not have the most advantageous conditions to patch things up but you need to make the best of what you’ve got today. Operating on limited resources is a challenge but it provokes enough efficiency and inventiveness to make that shift you’ve been hoping would happen on its own. You need to work on a daily dose of marital happiness: you are the writer, the producer and the actor of the script called “MY happily ever after”. It’s in the small things - in extra attention you’ve ignored to show before, in affection that ignites a sleeping heart, in words that express love, hope, happiness – all the good things that could be happening in your marriage if you pushed the disagreement and hurt feelings to the background and brought the positive to the front.

Can You Break the Cycle?

2010-12-07T19:37:00.000-08:00

Many of us live with a preconceived notion that we need another person in life for it to be complete, for happiness to come knocking at the door. We believe wholeheartedly that when we meet our significant other the most important piece of the puzzle will be put into place, that only then we will feel whole. And there is nothing wrong about thinking that way, in fact I am frequently wary of the individuals declaring that they are self-sufficient and perfectly fine on their own. It’s almost against nature.

The biggest mistake we are prone to make is to place too much weight in the way of our expectations and demands on the chosen one. We wait for someone to come and fix us! We are too lazy to do the work that concerns us. I often hear wives complaining, “he doesn’t do this and that… he doesn’t love me like he used to… he doesn’t treat me right…” They seem to be producing a long list of unmet demands that’s only getting longer with each year of shared living. Their dissatisfaction takes up all the space, it seems to be the only thing they are capable of talking or thinking about. Wait a minute, if your husband is to disappear tomorrow, taking with him all of your unaddressed concerns, what will you have left of your life? Would you look around like you just woke up asking yourself , “uh… where was I?”

We all want happiness so badly yet we refuse to even try to be happy unless our spouse would spread happiness in abundance on every single day of our life. Otherwise we stay miserable. And give him the attitude he deserves for failing to be the light that never burns out.

At some point I thought: no matter how hard I tried it’s not easy to be happy with him. Too much work with dubious results at the end. That’s when I decided to be happy on my own, first in spite, then for the sake… My happiness was the best neutralizer of his moodiness, aggressiveness or indifference. I started looking for things that make me happy even when he is not around, soon I was too busy to notice his lack of attention and ignore his nagging. I was no fun to have a fight with, he was looking at me with different eyes, I sensed the renewal of his interest. I was so enthusiastic about all the things I was taking on, my enthusiasm got contagious. I lightened up the atmosphere in our house, I lifted up the burden I placed on his shoulders at the beginning of our marriage: to keep me happy all the time – something that would wear down any man sooner or later. A happy wife is easy to love. A loved wife is happy. Stop thinking that only once he treats you write you will finally be happy (because he will only treat you worse if you keep going that route). Be happy now, be that light, you have that in you!

Is Your Husband Happy?

2010-12-03T07:40:00.000-08:00

Reading a blog about loneliness, I stumbled upon a comment from one frustrated husband. These are the words that somehow struck me the most and emerged me into a lengthy bout of pondering: “My wife does her best to null any joy or excitement”. Women are known to complain more about issues they have in their relationships: expressing feelings, untangling a twisted knot of emotional problems, self-digging to a point of losing touch with reality and then dumping the findings on whoever would listen – all of these are more typical of a feminine nature. I’m not trying to present men as some shallow species incapable of deep feelings, it’s just that those feelings are mostly hidden so well it’s easy to fall into fallacy of thinking that men can take up any emotional burden and still be okay. Is it really so?

I often get annoyed when Jonathan gets into this peculiar dreaming mood. He starts talking about all the things he would never do as if he is all ready to start execution of his grand plans tomorrow. It goes like “first we’ll travel to Europe, stop by in Italy, visit Scandinavian countries…” I can’t help it but put some cold water on his overheated dream button: I dismiss his dreams by strong reasoning and logic. In eight years we’ve been together we went traveling once and it took a lot of efforts on my side. As I follow my urge to bring him back to the real world, the light of joy fades away from his face: he is defeated, quiet and unhappy. He retreats into his inner world from which I am now banned. Once I heard him murmur: “ Let me dream, won’t you…”

That’s just one of the examples but I can think of many more when I was the one to “null his joy and excitement”. Yet he never complains and I proudly carry my rightness, convinced I did him lots of good. It daunted on me lately that I don’t want to be right any more, I want him to be happy. And even if I am not the source of his happiness all the time, at least I can try and give some space so that the springs of joys would emerge from underground. We may very conveniently think that they owe us happiness but we owe them nothing in return: we can do all the nagging and criticizing in the world and still be loved unconditionally. It doesn’t take much to be judgmental, it takes a lot of will to support something you don’t necessarily agree with. Unless you want to be that sort of wife, the one who is always right, the joy-killer.

What Annoys Us the Most

2010-10-21T07:07:00.000-07:00

Is there one thing in your spouse – a peculiar habit, a gesture – that annoys you tremendously, drives you crazy at times? More than one thing? I’m afraid I can produce a rather long list and all the annoying habits of Jonathan’s will be equally painful for me to tolerate. But there is one that’s simply killing me. The noise. The man was gifted (cursed?) with the loudest voice in the universe. His whisper (not sure I hear it often) is the equivalent of my normal voice. When he talks in a normal voice I have an urge to cover my ears to tone it down. When he screams, and he does it frequently when on the phone with his workers, I have a serious concern that I might become hearing disabled soon…

Ironically, I like silence. I get disturbed by noises, excessively loud sounds wear me down, make me lose my focus. And it’s not just his voice. When he walks – he needs to stomp. The TV always has to be on, the volume up. The doors are slammed. That’s the way he is, noise fits in perfectly in his world. We are not compatible in this sense.

But some nights, when he is working late, the quiet house freaks me out. Something feels wrong, something is missing. The silence then becomes so awkward and almost too loud to endure. I turned on the TV or music, but somehow still fail to reproduce the usual level of noise. I miss HIS noise. I miss him in this inexplicable way of missing the thing I dislike about him the most. Isn’t it fascinating at times how the whole relationship notion becomes so controversial? Yet that’s how the true attachment is formed. We acknowledge, accept and get used to the annoying habits we wouldn’t stand in anyone else. Those are the things that we remember when the beloved is far away. One of those twisted features that come in a package called love.

Movies About Problems in Marriage

2010-07-21T13:00:00.001-07:00

It’s hard to think of a movie where problems in a relationship wouldn’t be touched upon in some way. In the end no such thing as a perfect relationship exists in real life, neither does it in movies. There are lots of primitive movies based on the idea of he cheated/I divorced him/ I met new love/ happily ever after happened. But there are also some great movies that focus on less customary problems in marriage – they make you think and even relate to what’s happening with the main characters.

So here is my list – Top 5 Movies About Marriage Problems That Actually Make You Think:

#5 Breaking & Entering
The idea: having a constant challenge in a relationship creates an ever growing distance. Caring for their behaviorally challenged daughter wears down a longtime couple - Will Francis (Jude Law) and Liv (Robin Wright Penn). Liv turns out to be more resilient (as most women are) and does everything to keep the family together. Will finds it easier to escape by starting an affair with a Bosnian immigrant. He thinks he made things a bit easier for himself whereas in fact it only gets more complicated. Food for thought: women are more likely to solve an existing family problem (e.g. see a counselor), men will try to escape dealing with it (having an affair as a way to forget about the problem even if not for long).

#4 The Hours
The idea: there are women out there (big surprise!) who actually consider having a family to be the biggest burden and sanity shaker. Laura (Julianne Moore)gets so sick of wearing her fake smile and pretending that she is content with her suburban life and role of a perfect wife and mother. She first attempts suicide but eventually settles for leaving her family (including two small children) for good as a way to regain her freedom and sanity. Food for thought: it’s quite dangerous to drive a woman to this extreme degree of misery – suburban housewife’s life is not for everyone.

#3 Revolutionary Road
The idea: another tribute to the suburban dream life myth. April (Kate Winslet) and Frank (Leonardo DiCaprio) fight all the time unable to settle into the lifestyle imposed on them by the social norm of the time. They are briefly united by the idea of leaving it all and moving to Paris, but once their plan fails their relationship turns into pure undisguised hatred. Food for thought: uneventful predictable life can destroy the best of marriages.

#2 Mad Men
The idea: following social norms and commonly accepted stereotypes is far from having a happiness formula. Unhappy husbands, unhappy wives, their lonely children – all in pretty idealistic surroundings of a cute house in the suburbs, respectable job in Manhattan, recognition and admiration in the highest social circles. A "fairytale" life that leads to drinking, cheating, intensifying the feeling of loneliness, leading to depression and self-destructive behavior. Food for thought: striving for public approval, building your life from the mold conveniently provided by the society – will only result in estrangement and severe loneliness within your own family.

#1 Frida
The idea: what happens when it’s hard to be apart, and even harder to be together. Frida Kahlo (Salma Hayek) and Diego Rivera (Alfred Molina) have the most dysfunctional marriage one could possibly imagine. There’s an enormous connection they share, they are each other’s biggest support. Yet neither can stand the idea of being locked in this marriage and both seek extramarital affairs to add to their life’s fulfillment. Soul mates struggling to coexist. Food for thought: marriage will always feel like a golden cage to some – as much as they enjoy the good things that come with it, they will long to escape this love-hate relationship just to be back awhile later.

What’s your favorite movie about problems in marriage or relationship?

Temptations of a Married Woman

2010-05-20T13:30:00.001-07:00

Every married woman at some point faces a temptation of being attracted to another man. It can be a small meaningless crash such as simply admiring the beautiful appearance of a model-like coworker, or it can be a serious passion-obsession, which results in an affair and might ultimately lead to divorce. Some women, especially at the beginning of their marriage, will feel indignant at the idea that they, just like men, might give in to temptations and be unfaithful at a certain point. The chance that it will happen though is rather high, not as high as when it comes to the number of husbands cheating, but still…. There is always a possibility. We are all human after all with our weaknesses and flaws. But it’s important to remember the saying “forewarned is forearmed”, if you accept that there’s a chance it might happen – you won’t be taken by surprise and will be able to think and analyze the situation, rather than feel paralyzed by the whole “I-can’t-believe-this-is-happening” thought.

So here’s a possible plot: you’ve been happily married for the n number of years, things are not as hot and romantic as they used to be, but you get along well, taking for granted occasional boredom and lack of crazy emotions. In the end marriage shouldn’t be like a roller coaster – it’s more of a serene port that provides comfort and stability. You have very strong ties by now but are likely close friends more than passionate lovers. Then one day at work you have a small talk with a very attractive coworker of the opposite sex and you are surprised how good it feels – your conversation lasted just a couple of minutes, but you are suddenly filled with warmth and incomprehensible excitement. Things start happening quickly – even though they are mostly happening in your head. You suddenly care more what you wear to work. You begin to have fantasy dreams, and even when you are awake your imagination takes you to almost forbidden places. You feel tormented trying to interpret any signs or words because they might help make it clear if you are liked back. At some point you are no longer sure what’s real, what’s imagined.

This kind of changes that are suddenly happening to you do not necessarily affect your marriage in a negative way. In fact if the whole romance is happening in your head, it might be beneficial to your relationship – you look better, feel happier and more feminine, and the mysteriously pensive look on your face may seem very attractive to your husband. So I would call this form of “mental cheating” a rather healthy and probably natural thing.

But once you cross the line and let things get too far, feelings will inevitably get hurt. Starting an affair will mean having a dual life - and it can exhaust anyone; a crazy range of emotions from passion to guilt, from love to self-hatred are likely to leave you burned-out once the affair is over. You can destroy your marriage and there’s no guarantee you will be able to replace it with the new relationship that started as a work romance. You probably idealized your coworker in many ways, a lot of his features were imagined by you in the attempt to escape your marital routine.

It’s essential to stick to your wisdom and common sense, and not let the emotions take over. Be prepared that one day you may suddenly feel attracted to another man – your coworker, a family friend or a stranger you met at a coffee shop. Be prepared to look at the situation from the outside, as if it’s happening to someone else, and assess the consequences of your actions. Try to project into the future – do you see yourself with this person? Is it worth destroying your marriage and breaking your husband’s heart? Don’t forget that when we don’t know someone that well, we tend to fill the gaps in knowledge using our imagination, which distorts our perception. This man that you suddenly worship may not be that perfect after all and eventually you’ll get to uncover a lot of his imperfections whereas you are well aware and used to the ones your husband has. So next time you feel like you are developing a crush on some good-looking guy – don’t panic: you can allow yourself some indulgence, as long as the whole romance game is played in your head and no one’s feelings are hurt.

Do We Make Them Cheat?

2010-05-12T13:55:00.000-07:00

An interesting thing: if you go to Google and type “what percentage”, you will instantly be offered a few choices, the first of which is “men cheat”. And you get some very upsetting statistics: 50-70% of married men in America have cheated or will cheat on their wives. But putting the customary “because that’s what men are” aside, let’s look at the problem from a different angle. Is it possible that wives’ behavior is the root cause of the infidelity? Could we take some of the blame and, what’s more important, can we do something to prevent their possible cheating? And I am not talking about checking their cell phone messages or spying on them in any other way. I am talking about becoming better wives so that our husbands repel the idea of being with another woman.

How many of us are actually guilty of the following:

1. Neglecting to spend time with your husband once you have kids because of the tremendous shift of your focus. Not that I am suggesting to neglect the kids and pay your entire attention to the husband, but a common mistake many wives make is devoting all the love and energy to the kids, being convinced that “he will understand” because “kids need me more right now”. He SHOULD understand, but he doesn’t. He feels more like an outcast in his own house. Motherhood is challenging and exhausting and you need his support, but so does he. If you say that your baby takes all of your time, imagine for a second that you have two babies (3,4,5, etc. – the “+1”concept). If you had one more baby you would somehow find the time for him. So treat your husband as that “+1” and if necessary repeat the mantra “he won’t survive without me” on a regular basis.

2. Neglecting your looks once you get married. Being a wife should not stop you from being a Woman. We do our best to look nice when we get ready for work, but once we are home we can relax: smudged makeup, old stained t-shirt, ugly sweat pants. Remember how you used to look when you were just dating? Always making sure to wash your hair and shave your legs… It should not be any different now, because otherwise he will start paying attention to women who don’t fail to neglect their appearance. You should wear comfortable tidy good-looking clothes when at home. Just imagine that George Clooney (or whoever you choose to imagine) may suddenly appear at your doorstep – will you pass the “I am not ashamed of my looks” test?

3. Neglecting to listen when he talks. Maybe he doesn’t have the most exciting job in the world, and you couldn’t care less about the details of his 5-hour long meeting. Put an effort. Be that person he confides to. Make him feel confident that he can always turn to your with his problems because apart from being his wife you are also his friend. Many extra-marital relationships start off as a friendship. You don’t want him to end up with another woman because she understands him and shows him moral support better than you. Be that woman.

So here are just three simple things you can do to encourage his fidelity: be attentive, attractive and supportive. If he doesn’t find that in you, he may start looking for it in other women. I am strongly convinced that unhappy husbands become unfaithful husbands – so keep him happy.

When Separate Bank Accounts Make Sense

2010-05-07T13:18:00.000-07:00

I am convinced that separation of finances is a good thing. We all have different personalities and our financial habits often vary a lot. I am really cautious with money: I plan my budget a month ahead and try to save as much as I can. Paying the bills is my priority, but if at the end of the year I have a considerable amount of money saved – without hesitation I will spend it on a family vacation. My income is stable and I have enough emergency funds to last me a few months if I am out of the job tomorrow. Jonathan has his own business which is pretty much seasonal. He can estimate his future monthly earnings but he never knows exactly how much it will be. When it’s slow he can make zero profit. Since money comes and goes in a somewhat chaotic manner, he spends it when he has it and “ties the belt” when he doesn’t. He wiped out all of his savings a few years ago when the financial crisis affected his business and was never able to replenish them. He may make a big unplanned purchase but then fail to pay the bills on time. He often spends money on things we don’t need but postpones buying essential items.

So we clearly exhibit different type of financial behavior and having separate bank accounts is the best option for both of us. I don’t mind having a part of the financial responsibility, but once I covered my portion of the expenses, I enjoy the financial freedom to spend the money on things that I like: clothes, books, concert tickets. Being a stay-at-home mom for awhile was really hard on me because financially I was fully dependent on Jonathan. He did do a good job paying for all the necessities but there was never enough money for anything extra. If I wanted to go clothes shopping, Jonathan would grant me a very small sum of money claiming that finances are tight at the moment. But in a couple of days he would wire ten times the amount to his brother to help him buy a new car. He is not a good planner and instead of trying to change him, I accepted this as part of his personality. I emphasize his responsibilities to provide for the family and secure our future, but at the same time I never criticize him for the small purchases that I don’t consider that necessary. I pay my half of the expenses and Jonathan has no control of how I spend the remaining money. We do discuss important financial decisions such as which college plan to choose for Peter, or how to get a better deal on our mortgage. But we also managed to reach that optimum level of financial independence which satisfies both of us. In the end disagreement about family finances is one of the top reasons why families fall apart. So maybe our financial planning is done in non-traditional ways, but it works for us and eliminates any reasons for fighting on that front.

Living With a Controlling Husband

2010-03-08T12:06:00.000-08:00

If you have an extremely possessive and jealous husband, such as I do, sooner or later you will realize the impact of his possessiveness on your way of thinking and your whole lifestyle. It will change you no matter how hard you resist and try to be who you are. It’s like bending a tree till it breaks – he will be pushing his agenda on you till you give up, because giving up is always easier.

I went to a bowling event the other night: it was organized by the CEO of our company and showing up was mandatory. Jonathan had no choice but to give me a green light since it was work-related. I had such a good time, in fact it made me realize that I’ve been lacking this kind of fun for so long. It’s kind of pathetic though that I was having a blast with no friends or family around – just some people from work who I barely communicate with under regular circumstances. But that's the reality I live in: Jonathan is not too fond of me hanging out with friends and going out; he'd rather see me home every night, bored but within his sight.

He’s been trying to box me in ever since we moved in together. He wanted to be in control of every little aspect of my life from what I wear to who I talk to. I understand that his own insecurities and fear of losing me are at the root of the problem, however knowing it gives me little help when justifying his often irrational actions and reactions. He is not the owner of me or my life – that’s how much I know!

It’s not like I’ve been living blind-folded for all this time and then suddenly realized that I am not a huge fan of his controlling behavior. I knew it from the start but somehow I believed that it’s not a big deal, I could live with it, moreover I could make him change, teach him to trust me unconditionally. And he did soften up and accepted some things that used to spark a lot of protest awhile back. But those are just small victories – yet there are numerous battles ahead. A freedom-loving person that chooses to submit for the sake of maintaining peace and harmony in the family can never be truly happy. Living against your nature for too long will inevitably lead to rebellion. That’s how it gets nasty – when you explode with all the rage that has been silently accumulating inside.

Don’t let things escalate into a crisis: armored with patience, you can actually make little steps of progress on a daily basis. Don’t argue but explain why certain things he is against are so important to you. Tell him that when he is understanding and agreeable, it makes you so happy you are together – you only wish he was that way more often. Try not to do something against his will or in spite of his ban: it’s important to get his approval even if it means wearing him off day after day with reasons and pleas. Express the heartiest gratitude once you get a “yes” so that next time he is less reluctant to stand a siege for too long. Fighting for your choices is important otherwise he will keep you underfoot and you will have little say in the family. But doing so with wisdom and patience rather than scandals and threats will get you better results and won’t break your family apart.

Rationality vs. Risk Taking?

2010-02-23T11:54:00.000-08:00

We all do crazy, reckless things when we are young and single. Settling into a married life means facing new economic circumstances and requires an increase in one’s sense of responsibility. As a rule wives manage to accomplish it faster and more effectively: they become very frugal and practical to ensure the well-being of their family. Men do so more reluctantly, they occasionally deviate from rigorous budget planning to make pricey and unnecessary purchases. So when rationalism clashes with risk-taking, which one will come out a winner?

Rationalism is a typical wifely feature. It takes roots in the maternal instinct: a mother always puts feeding her babies ahead of everything else; besides, not only she wants to make sure hers kids have food today, but also tomorrow, a week, a year from now. She is planning far into the future, denying herself little (and not so little) pleasures if necessary. A husband knows that he needs to provide for the family, however as long as he puts the food on the table today, he considers his mission pretty much accomplished, since tomorrow is another day. And if something goes wrong he is convinced he will have time to figure something out.

A conflict will often arise when a couple plans to make a big purchase, such as a new car, a large screen TV or a swimming pool. A woman will go for functionality and safety features, it’s also important for her to buy a product that is convenient for use and affordable. A husband is more interested in all the extra new features (not because he’ll use them, but because it’s cool to have them); his ego will require a most recent release, a most popular (highly advertised) model. He won’t be scared away by the above-his-budget price, just the opposite – men find more satisfaction in buying expensive products, rather than on-sale or clearance items. And as always they will think about paying if off later on…

Does it mean that a wife should have more say when there’s a big decision to be made? Not necessarily. It’s more about a healthy mix, learning to coordinate and cooperate in the decision-making process. A wife will come up with logical well-thought options that are in the family’s best interests. A husband’s ideas can be more spontaneous and less rational, however by raising a level of risk tolerance, he will often manage to get things from the “dream world”, achieve daring victories, expose his family to new experiences.

Shoot for the stars when you can, stay on the ground when it’s necessary.

Why We Talk And How We Listen

2010-02-18T07:58:00.000-08:00

One of the biggest differences between men and women discussed in many relationship publications is why we talk. When men have a problem, they talk it out to find a solution. When women talk about a problem, it’s to vent by expressing their concerns and fears. Men’s talking is aimed to solve, women talk to express themselves and move on.

Understanding this simple concept can eliminate so much misunderstanding in any relationship. If your husband is complaining about a very annoying coworker, try to help him find possible solutions for dealing with a conflict situation. “Honey, you may choose to ignore him or confront him, think what will make you feel better and won’t affect your career in a negative way”. Something like this. You listen, help him see what options are out there ( dare I say men are more narrow-minded and less-creative than women – so frequently they are convinced that there is just one solution to a problem). He appreciates your involvement and advice.

With women it gets a little tricky. I cannot keep things that worry me all to myself – soon enough I will feel like I am ready to explode. Complaining is one of the key strategies of how women deal with daily stress. After all, our stress tolerance level is much lower than that of men, we are more fragile emotionally. The trick is we often complain about things we cannot change. Or things that don’t necessarily make us unhappy, they may just worry us or make us feel insecure.

Let’s say I complain that I don’t feel like going to work. If Jonathan listens, nods and consoles me by saying “it’s ok, honey, the weekend is almost here” or “I know you feel tired” – I instantly feel better. I expressed myself, was heard and understood. Going to work no longer seems to be such a daunting task. But if he tries to find a solution, which is not what I am seeking, and tells me “if you don’t like to work – stay home and be bored” , I don't get my relief - moreover I now feel annoyed, misunderstood and even more miserable.

A friend of mine told me that he is sick of his wife’s complains: he decided to give her whatever she wants even if the outcome will make things worse. She complains that he doesn’t make enough money – he will find a better paid job but with longer hours, so he won’t be home in the evenings to help her with the baby. She wants to go on vacation even though the money is tight – he will wipe out their savings to spend a week in some luxurious resort. Needless to say with this approach they began to fight even more. So I taught him a few phrases for their next conversation on a topic of unfulfilled wishes: “ I know you feel frustrated but things will get better”, “ I am sorry you are upset”, “I appreciate your patience, I will work hard for us to have everything we deserve”. I explained to him the concept of mere listening – no critique or solution-finding. He was beaming the next day – “It worked!”

Maybe your husband too needs a little help to become a better listener. I told mine long ago that I complain for the sake of complaining, it’s what makes me feel better. I make sure to thank him for listening. And if he is on the verge of losing his patience – I tell him that going shopping is my next stress-relieving strategy on the list. So him listening for my nagging and whining for extra 10 minutes will come out cheaper in the end.

Why is He Never Good Enough?

2010-02-09T09:01:00.001-08:00

Do you have those moments of irritation, close to desperation, when you feel like everything your husband does is wrong? It’s not that you are hard to please, but there is a certain minimum of spousal “performance” that is quite reasonably expected. To be a good listener and show interest in your problems. To make sure to spend some quality time together, do something as a couple: hiking together once a month, going to the movies every second Sunday night. To maintain romance in your life, even if you are not as passionate about each other. But alas, you feel like every normal husband does it except for yours. Did you get a “defective” product???

Your list of claims may be different from mine, but I am sure every wife has it. So does every husband (Jonathan would probably name my lack-of-variety cooking as the biggest source of his marital discontent). The point is we always have some demands that we want to be met. And even if our spouse manages to fulfill all of our selfish wishes, we will come up with more. At some point, if we don’t stop ourselves, keeping up with our demands will become impossible.

Switching the status of your significant other from “totally imperfect” to “good enough” requires some substantial work and inner struggle. I will share a few ideas to keep you on the right track:

- Stop comparing him to other men. Even if you think that your best friend’s husband makes all the right moves, trust me he has imperfections of his own. Many seemingly happy couples have problems, which they don’t always share with the public. Besides, what works for others, might not be as appealing to you. You man is unique and he will never be able to transform himself into someone else. He is what he is. If the urge to compare becomes irresistible – compare him to the guys that are way worse: the ones that cheat on their wives, never help out with kids, have the lowest-paid dead-end jobs, etc.

- Focus on the positive. There has to be something good about him. But we often prefer to limit our perception: we downplay his good qualities ,then make a real tribute to a couple of bad ones. Take a moment to write down a list of all the things you like about him: it will serve as a great reminder why you married him in the first place in those desperate moments, when you feel like you are stuck in the wrong relationship.

- You are not perfect either. That’s something we all love to forget upgrading ourselves to an angel’s level. So here you do quite the opposite: write down all of your flaws, things you don’t like about yourself. Once you are done, read it carefully – who knows, maybe you will feel surprised and grateful that he hasn’t run away from you yet.

- Men don’t know how to read our mind! And this means that sometimes you need to take the initiative. Or to tell him exactly what makes you unhappy about his behavior/habits/attitude rather than wait endlessly till the bright thought reaches his mind. So I do plan all of our outings, even though I would love for him just once to be in charge. But if I don’t take the matters in my hands, we will just stay home on every festive occasion (which reminds me to make a reservation for the upcoming St. Valentine’s Day). But at least I know that we will have a nice romantic dinner with delicious food – and who’s in charge of making it happen doesn’t really matter. Stop waiting for things to change. Rather than getting close to exploding with disappointment that he doesn’t make you happy – be happy on your own. And try to make him happy. He will appreciate your efforts and will inevitably feel obliged to pay you back. Besides happiness is contagious and tends to spread around: so just open your heart and let it in.

Temptations, temptations…

2010-02-03T13:12:00.000-08:00

You stayed married for years and your life together became so mundane, that any thought to spice things up and add more romance is just a thought, never really leading to action. Your relationship is so predictable: you know how he will respond to whatever you have to say; you know what things not to mention; you may visualize effortlessly how you are going to spend the next weekend, month, year, life. There is comfort and stability in this status quo, but boredom too: you often feel that you need something extreme to happen in order to get you out of this stagnation – you long for an adventure.

And then He will appear in your life. First as a very good friend. It will make you so happy – being just friends with a guy who understands you so well, who is ready to listen to your complains for hours (not pretending to be listening like your husband often does). He asks you a bunch of personal questions, and is eager to help at your first request. He notices and gets concerned about your slightest mood change. You feel flattered that someone cares about you to such an extent. This friendship is the best thing that happened to you in a long time: it’s nothing like chitchatting with your girlfriends with their never-ending nagging about relationships and their own problems. When you talk to him – you are always the center of any conversation. You can't wait to tell him about the latest events of your life because no one can listen like he does.

Then you begin to notice strange things. The way he looks at you, those longer than appropriate gazes. The way he “bumps” into you too frequently. A few weird way too personal compliments. It will finally occur to you one day – a terrifying and sweet thought: he has insanely deep feelings for you! This scary thought will lift you up and crush you all at once. What a pleasure it is to have an admirer, and what a curse it is! You may choose to confront him or prefer not to know. All the same: things are about to get nasty.

It's a big temptation to keep this friendship: you are unlikely to ever find such a devoted friend, who will rush to you when you need him, who is always conveniently there. But it cannot go on forever because his longing and suffering will inevitably come to the surface. The longer you stay friends, the more he gets to know you, the deeper his feelings for you will get. He is so needy now - and unsatisfied needs lead to anger. So if you try to maintain the appropriate distance – or even worse to increase it and put up some barriers - before you know he becomes your enemy. Or if you retain your friendship at the same level, he might feel used. He wants to be more than just your puppy on a leash.

Getting out of this is a challenge: the best thing you can do is to end this relationship before it’s gone too far. Even though you know that he won’t take it well and you yourself might have to go through the widest and wildest range of emotions. So the best advice here: keep the distance from the very start, don’t get too personal with your new friends of the opposite sex, who suddenly show so much interest in your personality.

5 Strategies for the Best Valentine’s Day Ever

2010-02-01T13:32:00.000-08:00

Valentine’s Day is coming up and what is being done to make it unforgettable – the usual combination of flowers-present-restaurant? You follow the routine because it’s become a standard, what others do… You are no longer sure you anticipate this holiday. Choosing a present gives you a headache and you postpone it to the last minute. And as selfish as most of us are, we expect our partners to shower us with their love and adoration on that day, worshiping the mere fact of our existence. But what do YOU do to make it a memorable day for them? What do YOU do to show them your love and appreciation?

It’s not about buying a fancy present, it’s about making them feel special – and you can achieve it using 5 simple strategies:

1.Surprise.
There is a little child living inside of us – and kids love surprises. Do something you never do or something your spouse doesn’t expect: if you’ve never tried serving breakfast in bed – that’s a good start (boy, I wish it was done to be at least once in this life!) Make his omelet into a heart shape. Write little “I Love You” notes and hide them in his pockets, shoes, wallet. Hang on the wall a collage with the best photos of you two and write short funny poems underneath each picture. Write a love song and sing it to his work voicemail, while he is at lunch. The element of surprise will add some novelty to your feelings and your relationship especially on this particular day.

2. Care
If someone loves you they genuinely care about you. Show him you care too and it will make him feel closer to you. Ask him about his work in details, even if before you showed little interest in his achievements. “Fix” his tie (scarf, hat) on the way out. Ask if he wants something special for breakfast. Give him a massage, stroke his hair. Tell him to wear a warm sweater if it’s cold outside. Tell him to be careful on the road. Tell him to take good care of himself because you need him.

3. Compliment
Men and women alike like to hear compliments (whether we admit it or not). Even the lamest of the praises can cherish one’s ego and boost self-confidence. However once the life gets too hectic we forget to notice and acknowledge small things about each other (test: do you remember what your spouse was wearing to work this morning?) Now imagine that you see him for the first time: take a good notice of his hair, hands, smile. Don’t say common things like “You are the best” or “You are so handsome”. Make a personalized well-thought compliments that will give goose pumps: “I love your eyes, they hypnotize me whenever you look at me”; “What would I do without your courage and confidence – you are my rock!”; “No one understands me like you do – I am so glad to have you in my life”.

4. Hug
When he least expects it – just come over and give him a tight long-lasting hug. No words are needed… just hold on to him as if you are unable to let go. Turn it into a moment of intimacy that’s above sexuality: it shows how emotional you are because of him. This hug will symbolize your bond, which includes not just love – but also deep friendship and support for each other.

5. Love (Surprise!)
Say it first thing in the morning, say it last thing before you both fall asleep at night. Say it many times during the day, send a text message, e-mail, e-card; write it on a post-it and stick it to the fridge. There are so many different ways to send the message but putting it into words is the most universal approach, so don’t ignore it!

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Taking a Break to Prevent a Break Up

2010-01-20T08:15:00.001-08:00

We go through various periods both in life and in marriage. Sometimes everything goes well, your relationship is blossoming with no visible efforts, you are both understanding and considerate of each other. But there are times when you did nothing seemingly wrong, but things are falling apart. Any trifle could spark a fight, no one is willing to compromise or yield. Astrologists would probably find a decent explanation to such a bad turn of events – the planets took the wrong disposition or something, but no explanation can console you and give you strength to get through the hard times with dignity.

The problem is that things add up, and the conflict is escalating to a point when it breaks into a war. You become enemies and treat each other accordingly. As a rule you no longer remember how it all started or who is to blame – you are caught up in devising new strategies on how to hurt him more. You are thinking of retaliation: I won’t talk to him for the whole week to make him feel lonely; I won’t cook his meals and he’ll realize how he is dependent on me; I will wear sexy provocative clothes to tease him by getting attention from other men.

What you don’t realize is that by engaging in this kind of activities you hurt yourself first. You become “that crazy wife” – scandalous, vicious, bad-tempered. You push back all the good qualities you possess in order to substitute them with the ugly war armor. You lose not only your dignity – you lose yourself in this meaningless battle that will be over one day anyway, leaving devastation but solving nothing.

Sometimes you just need to be above it to preserve your good self. So before you let drag yourself into the starting war, take a break. Let your emotions cool down, let your common sense take control and guidance. Taking a break will allow you to think things over in a calm atmosphere. Refrain from talking to him till you are ready. I still tell Jonathan that my silence is not aimed at hurting him, I just need a break to put my thoughts together, which usually neutralizes his hostility in moments as such. So he lets me have my space, and he has his space too, and we can both finally breathe.

Amazing things happen while you are “on a break” – your feelings metamorphose from extreme negative to confident positive. It goes like this: I hate him, I won’t last with him much longer – I don’t hate him that much but I still feel hurt – there are good things we’ve had together, I begin to remember that – he is the only person who truly cares about me – I miss him. No matter how long your break lasts – exiting it is usually more effortless than you’ve anticipated. Since most of the negative feelings are gone, taking that first step to establishing the truce seems easy and natural. Chances are he feels the same way, re-energized by the quiet time off he had. And he probably missed you too, even if you were in the same house all this time, but each in their own space. Little by little you restore your relationship, and it’s easier to do so when there is no devastation that a real war would cause. You are careful with your words and deeds.

Many couples split multiple times but keep getting back together. But you can take a break being under the same roof: minimum talking, pretend he’s not there, do your things. You will know exactly when it’s time to start patching things up again: you won’t feel forced to compromise, you will have a strong desire to do that.

Fewer Arguments = More Peace

2010-01-14T11:27:00.000-08:00

There would be many more happy families if there were no fights between the spouses. Or if at least the amount of fights went down let’s say by 50%. Sometimes looking back I realize that so many arguments we’ve had with Jonathan were for nothing. Either the subject wasn’t that significant, or in spite of all they screaming everybody remained convinced that they are right and the other side is wrong with no compromise reached. But those fruitless arguments can exhaust you to an extent, that you are ready to declare that you marriage is what makes you miserable and unhappy.

It’s probably impossible to maintain a fight-free marriage because we are so much alive and emotional. In fact participating in an argument is another proof that we still care. However we could learn to be more selective and determine which subject is worth arguing about and when it’s wiser to back off. So if we cut the number of fights by half, it means the increase of the peaceful time in the family. Simple math.

So first you should set a goal and here is and important question: how frequently do you have fights with your spouse? If it happens every day, then set up a goal that it should be every other day. If it happens once a week, try to go 2 weeks without a single argument. Once you define your goals (remember to make them realistic), start thinking about the ways to achieve them.

There are a number of things you can do. But the easiest one is avoidance. If you try to follow some kind of non-argument schedule, according to which you must NOT argue today, you avoid getting involved in a fight all together. If your spouse says something to provoke you, tell him “can we please talk about it tomorrow?” Chances are he will cool down by then and forget all about it. You can also limit your answers to “yes” and “no” to discourage further discussions. Or you may choose “to remain silent”.

You can implement a subject-selective approach, when you come up with a list of subjects which you will not argue about. And since we tend to have repetitive fights over the same things, choose the topics of less importance and refrain from discussing them. It can be things like your spouse’s sloppy and annoying habits, or a political event you tend to disagree on. I have a good example: Jonathan often gets on my nerves by buying things we don’t need and spending money we could have spent elsewhere. So if I choose to make it a taboo topic, we’ll there be any damage? Since he hasn’t changed this habit in spite of numeral attempts on my side to prove its wastefulness, maybe we are both better off to drop the subject once and forever? So it will be helpful to write a list of all the things you argue about, and then check the ones you are willing to drop for the sake of more peace. In fact you may realize that you can agree to disagree on so many topics that under scrutiny appear not that vital.

If you stay determined and stay away from the arguments because they are not in your schedule, you will have to come up with more constructive ways to reach agreement. Maybe you'll become a better listener since you are not "allowed" to answer back. Maybe you will learn to look at things from his perspective. As a peace-keeper of the family (how do you like your new title?), you need to be inventive.

Once you reach the desired goal, set yourself for a new challenge. Are you up for a fight-free month? Year? Life?

He is Wrong

2010-01-08T12:42:00.000-08:00

Men are supposed to be strong, so in a difficult moment they could support and console us. But many men I’ve met have this peculiar weakness – they are not capable of taking the blame. It’s back-breaking for them to an extent, that they will try to put the blame on someone else’s shoulders. Someone who happens to be nearby, involved in their life one way or another. Most of the time they will blame it all on their wives.

They manage to disguise it so that we’ll think we are totally guilty. It usually happens as follows: he screwed up badly at work and his boss is giving him a hard time. He comes home in a bad mood. He doesn’t like what you cooked for dinner. He expresses his opinion in a such a rude way – that you answer back, so here is the beginning of a very heated argument. He will remind you of all the things that you’ve ever done wrong. He will call you a bad wife, himself – a victim, your marriage – a failure. You’ll run away in tears, three days of non-talking will follow, and then somehow things will get back to normal. He might even apologize but most likely he will just act like nothing really happened.

And you will keep asking yourself: why did I have to go through all this pain, and suffering, and tears, and gray hair added. If he is still with me – then I am not such a bad wife after all?

The problem is you are always taken aback when something like this happens. Yesterday things were perfectly fine, but today the crisis came out of nowhere. We are not always aware of the true reasons behind our husbands’ sudden rage. Occasionally, once we make up, I would ask Jonathan if something happened at work that upset him so much. And he will tell me all about it and why he was so stressed. But I will learn about it AFTER, and until that I will be going crazy with self-analysis – what I did wrong and how I should fix it.

So here is the solution: 1. Remind yourself when something like that happens out of the blue – it’s probably not your fault, you will find out the cause later, when things cool down. 2. Don’t let him drag you into the argument – no matter how hard he tries to provoke you. 3. Don’t bother to answer him or make excuses: he won’t hear you anyway. 4. That’s a hard one – no matter what he says, remain nice to him and ignore his insults; this will calm down his rage and make him realize that hurting you is not a way out. He will appreciate it later on, trust me on this one.

Why We don’t Believe in Men’s Promises

2009-12-29T11:00:00.000-08:00

This morning I had a heated argument with Jonathan. The topic is getting old though: he wants another child. And I don’t. Not that I don’t 100%, I just don’t like to want unrealistic things. We don’t have financial stability – in fact we are very much in debt right now. We cannot afford to live on one income, and I know that I will have to stay home for at least two years since never ever will I dare to leave my baby with a sitter. But most importantly – I saw absolutely no help from Jonathan when I had Peter. In fact he was certain that he was entitled to be served on when he would come back home from work just because I was “staying home all day”. And he was working. Then he wanted his daily dose of TV to unwind and if the baby was making noise, he would demand that I took him to another room. He forgot all of this but I didn’t.

So now for 100th time I heard the same promises:

- He will work hard to improve our finances
- He will help me with kids and around the house
- He will spend time with kids and be a good father

So here is what some men have trouble understanding: we don’t judge you by what you promise to be or to do in the future – we judge you by the things you’ve done in the past. For they are the best projection of your future behavioral line in similar situations. We have all the evidence that we need that you won’t change. It’s up to us if we want to live with your weaknesses or to walk away, but every wife at some point stops fooling herself that your weaknesses will magically disappear.

If you want another child with me, stop promising to help me more once I have it! Help me today! Be a better husband, father, worker today! Show me those are not just meaningless promises. I don’t need you to beg me to have a kid, I want you to inspire me by your actions.

Holiday Thoughts

2009-12-23T08:41:00.001-08:00

I don’t know if it’s me or other people like to practice it but at the end of each year I reckon up all the things that happened, were achieved went wrong or became a blessing throughout the year. It’s time to summarize, analyze, make conclusions and move on to a new year. It’s amazing that when you look back at a relatively quiet year, you manage to discover that so many things happened… So the highlights of my 2009:

- I managed to survive multiple waves of layoffs at work and as of today I am still officially employed!

- Peter graduated from Kindergarten and started his first grade where he is already showing some amazing results!

- Jonathan’s business finally turned profit this year! (who said something about bad economy???)

- We still have our house in spite of mortgage payments delinquency

- We had 2 dream vacations – both in Florida

So as the world was preparing to collapse because of the crisis and worst predictions made, we had quite a year! Good bye 2009, you were kind to us for which we are grateful. Welcome 2010, we are looking forward to fresh beginnings, love, laughter, new achievements and happiness!

Happy Holidays!

From a Love Letter

2009-12-22T08:14:00.001-08:00

"Every day the minute I wake up I start thinking about you. Nothing seems to take my mind off you. Even if I get distracted during the day, the pain just gets dull but then it reemerges with a new strength. Sometimes I feel like this pain is crushing me, its weight is more than I can take. On days like these I cannot get out of bed; on days like these longing for you begins to hurt physically. It hurts inside, it numbs my limbs, it drives me insane.

I lost any logical sense of what it is that I feel. It’s indescribable – too big for words, too tangled for analysis of any kind. I only know that there is YOU and that I LOVE YOU. There is no 'why' here – oh, I wish there was, if only I could name the reasons for my extreme feelings for you. If someone could tell me those are all the wrong reasons and I got healed. If only I knew what the cure was, if only I wanted to get cured. What used to be my world is so small now, things that used to matter seem too insignificant. It is always YOU no matter where I look, go, hide…. You’ve become my world, my heart, my breathing. It’s like drowning over and over in the overpowering feeling of love, that lifts me up and destroys at the same time. I do feel destroyed, and hopeless, and old, and weak. Tell me what to do? I am dying without YOU."

Unpaid Bills Vs. New Jewelry?

2009-12-17T07:36:00.000-08:00

Yesterday Jonathan quite unexpectedly brought me a gift: a beautiful Bulgari necklace. I went through a series of mixed emotions: surprise, disbelief, joy, sadness... Not that he never bought jewelry for me - in fact he did, especially in the first couple of years when we just started living together. But then things happened - a baby, mortgage, financial crisis... So I haven't been spoiled by any fancy gifts in the past few years. Even for my birthdays Jonathan would limit the usual fun by taking me out with no presents attached.

Needless to say I felt this childish joy when I got the present - I unwrapped it with my trebling fingers, ran to the mirror to try it on. But then... I couldn't help but questioning its cost. It has been a couple of rough years for us financially. As of now we are at least three months behind on our mortgage. And the bills are so overwhelming. So I started preaching to Jonathan about "You shouldn't have..." and "We cannot afford it.." I know I made him upset. He said he is not returning it so whether I like it or not - I gotta keep it.
Why, oh why couldn't I just accept it, kiss Jonathan gently and call him the best husband ever? Why did I have to kill his enthusiasm to show appreciation and love?
Finances matter - that's beyond doubt, but so does romanticism.

I wish I could learn again to feel like a woman, so desperately loved and desired, that her man would put all of his possessions to her feet asking nothing in return. I wish I could learn to separate feelings from budgeting, love from materialistic issues, happiness from every day routine. Let's all learn to accept gifts with grace and gratefulness, Let's appreciate this magic moment while it lasts, and worry about the bills later.

Because we are not Prince and Princess

2009-12-14T13:11:00.000-08:00

There is no point in reminding you that love is blind. And it doesn’t tolerate questioning at the initial stage. When romance is at its peak – who would want to ruin it by inquiring about some … well, unpleasant habits that you soul-mate might have. Chances are those bad habits might even be put aside for a time being not to scare you away.

But once people start living together, they tend to relax and little by little show other less pretty sides they possess. That’s when it hits you: will I ever learn to live with THAT???

I remember the fist several nights I spent together with my then boyfriend. I made sure not to remove make up so that I still looked pretty when I woke up by his side in the morning. Even though now that I get to think about it – how much beauty is there in the smudged 24-hour old make up… I made sure my hair was always clean; oh, and don’t even get me started on never-ending leg shaving procedure….

Jonathan was a cluster of good manners and he made sure to mind his language when I was around. As of today the cluster of good manners has vanished and the cursing part… I know he is under a lot of stress at work and sometimes he just needs to let the steam off and in order to that he curses the clients using the words that can be found in no dictionary. I just wish I wasn't around to hear that.

My point is – we are all human. We might play the Prince and Princess game for a while but once the game is over we have to face the truth: we are who we are, and our habits, both good and bad, is what we are comprised of. We can work to quit some of our bad habits, but others will live as long as we do. I used to brush my hair wherever I wanted, now bathroom is the only designated area, since Jonathan can’t stand finding my hair wherever he turns to ( I still don’t get how a couple of stray hair here and there can make someone so pissed off). Jonathan is working hard on the “socks everywhere” problem, even though his clothes still seem to occupy every single chair in the living room.

I do get frustrated occasionally about how many bad habits he has… I feel like I should leave him and find a more perfect man. But then I remind myself that no perfect people exist in this world. So I will just have to deal with a new set of bad habits. At least I got used half-way to what I am dealing with right now, why would I want to start over?

If you don’t like it – Get Out!

2009-12-11T13:20:00.000-08:00

Why is it always the easiest solution when a couple is having a fight to just say ‘enough’? Let’s just stop what we have, let’s split, separate, break up, divorce…. Jonathan has said that to me too many times when losing his temper, “If you don’t like it - pack your things and leave!”. Is it supposed to show that he is in control of the situation? Or who is the principal figure in our family and who gets to decide who stays and who must leave? The thing is I always know that he doesn’t mean it, those words are said to hurt me. My pride tells me I am not supposed to swallow it. My pride tells me I must pack my stuff and leave immediately – that will teach him the lesson. But the problem is I don’t have the luxury to play this game without hurting our son: he has to “leave” with me or to stay without mommy. And because I want to leave Peter out of it, I have to pretend that those words don’t penetrate through my skin to get to my heart and hurt me like hell. And Jonathan gets to throw those words at me whenever he feels like it, hurting me time and again.

Why don’t I ever say the same thing to him? Does it mean I am more mature? Well, I have a friend who broke up with her boyfriend 10 times over the course of one year! Just to get back together in a matter of days. Well, she can afford to do it: they don’t have a kid and a mortgage yet. But this is not even the point: at some point you have to outgrow this playing-with-words hobby and get serious. Say what you mean and don’t say what you don’t mean. As simple as that.

So you will ask me: am I going to let him get away with endless pointing me to the door? Well, luckily I’ve found the solution which I am more than willing to share with you. In our most peaceful “phase”, when things were quiet and almost romantic again, I gently told him one day, looking straight into his eyes: “You know, honey, you’ve told me so many times that I should leave, that when I decide that it is time to leave you for real – I won’t have any problems. You just made it so much easier to do”. And you should see panic and fear on his face… He’s been much more careful with words after that – that’s for sure.

Bringing Personal Problems to Work

2009-12-03T09:45:00.000-08:00

It is not always easy to separate your personal life from work. When numbers no longer match in your reports, or your balance sheet doesn’t balance – it’s a signal that the rough time you are having with your spouse is taking its toll on your work performance.

It’s possible to use your marriage hardships as an excuse for not doing your work. You can argue that sometimes you simply cannot switch off your miserable feelings. Yet are you sure it will make you feel better if you end up losing the job?

I will be honest about what inspired me to write this post. The receptionist in our office was fired the other day for so to say ‘unusual pattern of mood swings’. There were days when she would joke like crazy, but mostly she would totally ignore the ‘good-morning’ greetings and wear that unappealing expression on her face, which could imply just one thing: the world has offended her big time. She wasn’t married but according to the rumors she was actively seeking a life partner through dating sites, but would take each failure or rejection too personally which affected her work performance.

So a few ideas how to set a boundary between your personal life and work might be helpful.

1. Opening one door should close the other. Which means the second you walk into your work place, you mentally put a lock on any personal problem thinking. Try to visualize a huge heavy lock every time you mind goes back to the argument you had with your spouse this morning or the divorce papers waiting for you at home: there will be time to think about it, just not now.

2. Boring work leaves room for extra thinking. Engage yourself in some new activities, spice things up. If you have to update a report which has become a routine for you – change the report format, add more colors, experiment with layout. Find some original pictures for your PowerPoint presentation, come up with a new research idea.

3. Open up instead of shutting within. It does not mean that you have to cry on the shoulder of each and every one of your coworkers. Talk about positive things: ask them about their kids, plans for the upcoming holidays, recent shopping deals. Do not underestimate the healing power of communication: it sends your thoughts in a totally new direction.

4. If it is still more than you can take. Things happen, you feel like crap and are ready to lose control. You feel like giving up. You feel like crying. If the feeling is so overpowering, you might give in… but just a little. Give yourself exactly 5 minutes to go to the bathroom and indulge in crying. Once the time is up, put yourself together and go back to work, you should feel some relief. Once you feel the urge again, try to fight it, tell yourself: “I will take the next ‘crying’ break after 3p.m. – not sooner”. You can even put it on the calendar, to “show“ yourself how serious you are. But don’t cheat and keep to the schedule.

And remember: thinking about work as the distraction that you need is essential. It keeps you from falling to the bottom, it keeps you together, it keeps you sane.