As I was reading the "Marriage" chapter of
the new book by Gretchen Rubin Happier at Home (highly recommended by the way), I learned about the Michelangelo
effect and the role it can play in a relationship. Here's a quote from the
book:
Studies show that happy couples are much more likely
to idealize each other, and by holding those positive perceptions, they help
each other live up to them. In what's called the "Michelangelo
effect" (because Michelangelo created beautiful figures out of marble
blocks), when romantic partners expect the best in each other, they help each
other attain those ideals.
So in a way we make our spouse what he is, like a
sculptor can carve flawless lines out of shapeless materials. It's true, you
cannot change your spouse by altering his innate temperament or erasing years
of upbringing and his family's influence. But to a degree we have the power to
bring out the best in him. For example if you constantly thank him for being a
good listener, say how much it helps you to have him to support you, that no
one understands you like he does it encourages him to listen even in moments
when he'd rather not. It's manipulation in a good way because most of us
appreciate this disguised push that lands us on a higher pedestal. We like being a good person, feeling like a
good person and getting appreciated as a good person. No one wants to be the bad guy
that some husbands believe their wives make them into.
I noticed that if my husband doesn't do something I
really want him to, no amount of nagging, forcing, sarcastic remarks or pure
yelling will make him do it. It's like some weird stubbornness comes into play
where I can see that he knows he needs to do it, he feels bad about not doing
it, but he still wouldn't simply because I forced him. But if I say calmly how
nice it always feels when he does it, how much it means to me, how generous of
him it would be to sacrifice his time/money to do what he doesn't really want
to, all of a sudden he is no longer against it. For example if he can't make it
to our son's karate tournament, I am very tempted to say that he is a bad
father and his work is more important that his kid. But instead I say how much
his support means and how our son seems to perform better when his dad is there
to cheer for him, it immediately boosts his ego and he is ready to come. I
place a label "good father" within an arm's reach and all he needs to
do is just claim it.
It's why we all find the realization of being loved
to be so intoxicating, especially at the beginning of a relationship. It's the
very feeling that suddenly makes us so precious in our own eyes, so beautiful,
so desired. And when you are treated like a goddess, you begin talking and acting
like one. So stop proving to your husband that he is a lazy irresponsible jerk.
Start treating him as a strong, protective, romantic and caring gentleman
and watch him turn into one.
