Is Your Marriage Fireproof?

After complaining to my sister about our everyday small but consistent  arguments, she recommended watching the movie Fireproof. I usually make a mental note when someone recommends me a nice movie or a book, but somehow never get to actually check them out. But a week a after our conversation I happened to have time and a strong craving for anything inspirational and preferably relationship-related. So I watched Fireproof - and WOW! This movie got me into so much thinking and inspired to take a fresh look at our marriage and my role in it. Now I truly believe that Fireproof should be on top of the Movies About Marriage List, and a definite must-watch for couples on the verge of divorce.

Basically, the plot is pretty simple: a once happy, but now constantly fighting couple is surely heading in the direction of a split. Caleb's (the husband) dad interferes and suggests an experiment that can help save their marriage, and even if it doesn't, it least Caleb can live guilt-free because he tried. All he has to do is follow a plan given to him by his dad, which "prescribes" a specific action for each of the following 40 days. For example, day 1 - you can't say anything bad to your wife, day 2 - you have to tell her at least one nice thing, day 3 - you have to do something special for her, etc. Obviously it starts from the easiest and progresses to the hardest.

What appealed to me in this movie is how much I could relate - first to their arguments, where both the spouses seemed to have their point, but wouldn't hear each other, so it was hard to say who was more right or more wrong. Second, to how painful it can be to try day after day but get no reaction. Third, to how sooner or later if you put your heart in it and don't give up, your spouse has no choice but to respond to your efforts.

The most important point for me in the whole movie was that as Caleb thought he was working on changing his wife, he in fact was undergoing the change himself and at the end of the 40-day experiment he was a new person. He also saw all his flaws in the way he was treating his wife, in his unrealistic expectations , in how he was demanding respect without earning it. This is not a movie about how to change your partner,  it's about becoming a better partner which in its turn will bring all the desirable changes to your family.

If you want to fireproof your marriage, that is definitely a movie to watch and learn some lessons from. I hope you will get inspired as much as I did!

Top Reason for Divorce in 2011?

So according to this annual study in the UK, priorities have shifted. Being in love is now the #1 requirement for staying happily married. No feelings – no marriage. Just a few generations back it wasn’t that simple to walk away from one’s matrimony. Financial obligations, ‘raising good children’ concern and the reaction of the society were key factors that glued spouses together and made them if not deal, then at least adept to the marital issues, lack of passion being one of them. These days we have enough freedom and personal independence not to put up with things we no longer like or want.

I think the concept of a Better Alternative (I made that up) is to blame. We can have a better anything more and more easily and frequently. Better cell phones and laptops due to never-ending improvements and additional features, better, more reliable cars, home appliances that simplify our already simplified lives even more. You can get an upgrade in virtually every aspect of life, so why not apply it to your marriage. Yes, the union worked well before but now there are wears and tears: why settle for this diminishing value if it’s easier to shop for a new advanced version of Marriage 5.

Well, technology does progress at ridiculous speed: new improved features are added, flaws fixed… But we don’t change like that, we remain human and our flaws stay with us. So if you think that you are heading for a better deal because of all the excitement that a new relationship promises, you want to look back and see how it all started a number of years ago. And where you are now. Because chances are you will be at this point again. And again. As long as you stay on this roller-coaster: fall in love, get married, fall out of love, leave, fall in love again…

Not many people want to work on their marriage any more. We got lazy and spoiled. And discarding old things and replacing them with new, improved ones has never been easier. But in most cases a new relationship means old problems: misunderstanding, under-appreciation, little annoying things we inevitably have to put up with, possibly new bruises and scars in unexplored before areas… It’s impossible to stay madly in love for life, it’s been proven time and again. But working on your relationship is very doable, building it into a strong fort, a solid union which, though it demands certain sacrifices, never fails to give back – that should be the alternative to giving up and moving forward.

May your marriage flourish in 2012!

Dropping the D-Bomb – is it in Your Marital Strategy?

I’m a man of my word. Well, it’s actually a woman, to be more precise, but the concept stays the same – I don’t say things I don’t intend to actually do. I don’t utilize empty threats. And I certainly don’t make promises I won’t be able to fulfill (or at least I add “I will try” so as to leave some room for legitimate failure). In 9 years of our marriage I never said “let’s get divorced”. A number of times I did get close to a point when I desperately wanted out. I would think to myself: if I stay in this relationship for another minute, I will lose my sanity. But I learned to ride out these moments of hitting the bottom. There is no such thing as permanent hopelessness – it’s in our nature to keep hoping, to look up and seek light, even if from the depth of a huge black hole that sucked us in momentarily. And it does get better – every storm ends sooner or later. And I don’t have to regret saying things I didn’t mean.

He drops the d-bomb with stoical regularity - I would think he should know better by this time. I admit there were moments especially at the beginning of our relationship when I BELIEVED HIM. I let despair grab hold of me – this is it! It’s the end! How can it be? I would send my mind on an endless marathon of questioning all the things I could still do to prevent the disaster from happening, to save our marriage. Alas, my brilliant marriage-saving strategies never got to be implemented because apparently he didn’t mean it. Of course his words meant to hurt me but not to be supported by the real action.

So getting a d-ultimatum is not life-threatening but obviously pretty annoying, especially if it becomes a habitual ritual of ending each and every fight. So I came up with a way to reverse things and turn black into white. I would silently accept his plea for divorce and even mentally give it to him. Hurray! I am a free woman now! Even if the fight is still happening, I turn my back on him and go about my business – why waste time on an 'ex'? I am a free woman now and there are things to do in my new free life. I can start off by celebrating my freedom for example. I should get myself a bottle of wine and toast to a life of eternally good mood since there will be no one to spoil it. Or I can indulge in some celebratory shopping. Let your imagination rule for a while, dream about all the wonderful things you can do now. Be relieved you are finally free!

It’s only a mental game but it has the much needed power to distract you, to pull you out from your misery (which by the way is as imaginary as your game is). Yet we always let our imagination take the negative route, instead of directing it along the positive path. And maybe if instead of finding ruins where the d-bomb was dropped, he discovers a new independent and flourishing woman, if instead of seeing you devastated he witnesses a positive transformation, he will opt to get rid of his heavy weapons due to their ineffectiveness.Not getting the reaction he wants should make him reconsider his "fighting methods".

Do not underestimate the power of mental games and self-persuasion! Help yourself be in control of your emotions. Act free, feel free, be free.