Why Did You Choose Your Husband?

You ever thought why of all the candidates we end up marrying this particular person? Is it the law of attraction at work? Or the punishing power of karma? If I look 10 years back, I see what I was when I met my future husband. Scared, insecure, weak, needy and worst of all absolutely  unbearably lonely. It couldn't have gone any other way. He came - strong, manly, fearless - scooped me up, took me under his wing and shielded me from the world. Even with some obvious incompatibilities  and many differences - cultural, behavioral, intellectual - I was willing to move ahead with his strong current, the voice of reasoning too weak against my desperate desire to be protected.

 

Little did I know that his powerful, dominating personality will imprison me in a narrow cell of his limitations. That before I met him it was me against the world, and now it's me against him AND the world.  That when I was by myself I was surviving, but with him I started disappearing.

So the bitter battle began to preserve my identity and free will. To fight his every "no",  his irrational control and jealousy, his pull-push attitude where one day he would be all loving and needy, and the next - distant and despising. But worst of all was his impact on my emotional state: all the doubts and insecurities that emerged within me due to a randomly thrown comment or a straightforward insult. When I think about our first few years together, I feel utterly sorry for myself: he kept bending me in every way he wished and all I could do was cry helplessly and wait for a change in his mood to give me a break.

 

But this is not a story about my husband, he is not a bad man and he has to deal with his own demons. This is my story. Without summoning my own inner strength and cultivating self-love and self-respect, I would always be at someone's mercy - striving to please in return for approval, love, protection. If I don't know my worth and who I am, everyone will mold me to their liking. I realized that it was not about changing my husband, or finding ways to peacefully co-exist with him, or proving him the point. It was about instilling into my every cell the notion that I AM ENOUGH, that I'm everything I'm meant to be.

The past few years I worked hard to fix what was broken. But not in our relationship - inside of me. It was a slow process and I would rebound to my old ways of thinking now and then, but I was definitely changing. It started one day when I decided not to be mad at him when he deliberately tried to hurt me. I kept saying, "that's his problems and they have nothing to do with me, I know my worth". Soon enough his words or actions barely bothered me, I was ready to forget and move on within minutes. In the evening he would act all guilty, studying my reaction and then I would remember we had a fight in the morning. But being upset with him seemed too insignificant to concern myself with it.

 

Today I'm strong enough to say that the only person I will entrust with my happiness is me. I allow him to add to that happiness if he wishes, but not to subtract. Back in my single days there were other men, possibly better men, more compatible with my personality and expectations. But they scared me so much because I thought in panic - how could I ever stand up to their amasingness? I picked who I thought I deserved, who was my match at that point. Today it would have been a different story.

If you are struggling in your relationship, rather than digging up all the things that are wrong with your partner, look for answers within and see what brought this person to your life in the first place. What gaps were you trying to close? What insecurities to cover up? We often think that we need another person to feel whole, to supplement what we are lacking but we forget that we possess everything we need to navigate through life with or without a partner. I stopped asking myself - why him? Through my husband I've learned many lessons about myself and uncovered many of my own limitations.  These days I only allow him to love me. The minute he tries to control, upset or frighten me, I lose interest and retreat into my own happy world. When he opts for his mean ways, he is not compatible with me  so I simply shut him out. These days he has to play by my rules, which is really just one rule called LOVE.

 

Is Your Husband an Energy Vampire?

Winter is never a good time for us. Apart from the cold weather, lack of sunshine, and uneventful days we have to deal with a major downer - decline in my husband's business activity and a negative shift in his income. In other words, it's cold, depressing and financially-challenging.

Unlike me, who is trying to find a shade of light and hope in any desperate situation, my husband likes to SUFFER. I mean he just succumbs to his misery and begins to radiate negativity, making the air around him gloomy and toxic. He whines, and complains, and criticizes everyone and everything from the government with their "stupid laws" to the customers who refuse to give him business. And at the end of his daily rant he pretty much declares that life sucks and he'd rather be a shepherd in some remote Montana area than live like that.

On days like these being around him is like going through purgatory. He pulls me into his drama and sucks all life and soul out of me . And the more I try to give him reasons why there's hope, and we'll pull through, and it's temporary, and we should enjoy what we have, the more drained and angry I feel myself. Talking for 10 minutes with him this morning left me shaken, and it took one hour of listening to relaxation music and reading "self-empowerment" book to feel better. But it used to take days for me to overcome this "emotional violence", when I didn't know that I needed to block his energetic vampirism and not let him drag me down.

We all occasionally deal with energy drainers. My best friend is my husband's double: on her good days she is fun to chat with, on bad - I dread picking up the phone. What I didn't know before is that I don't need to absorb their negativity. I can put up the glass wall, acknowledge to myself that someone is trying to raise their level of energy by taking some of mine, and then step away to recharge. These days, when I sense my husband's gloomy mood , I catch on faster to his maneuvers to pull me into an argument and keep my distance. I busy myself with housework when he tries to "talk". I think about something else if listening to him is unavoidable, mostly about what he is trying to do to me and how I should be resisting. I remind myself that the biggest antidote for his unhappiness is my happiness and don't let myself get angry or upset. I rush to recharge immediately after the conversation is over: read some uplifting blog or listen to my favorite music or go for a walk. By raising my awareness I learned to shorten the brooding phase and can go back to my optimistic, content self faster. His bad days are no longer my bad days.

Energy shifts are directly related to our emotions. Positive increase our amount of energy, negative - reduce it. So every time your husband does something that makes you feel bad, you are losing your energy. Every time he evokes anger, resentment, frustration, jealousy or sadness, he dims your light. The question is how much of your happy self you are willing to give away. I'm not saying it's easy to control emotions when they are under attack - I still get provoked and lose control easily. But you choose how long to stay that way. I rush to restore my energy as soon as I acknowledge the damage. I know that I can't just snap out of it or command myself to feel good, I need help. Sometimes reading a spiritual book for 15 minutes is all it takes, other times I need to speak to someone who will help me get out of the darkness, so I call my sister.

I don't know what works for you, but if your husband tends to turn into an energy vampire now and then, make sure to have an action plan that will help you minimize the impact.  Being around an energy drainer even for a shord period of time means giving him a piece of you and in order to fill up the void you need to bring your focus back to yourself as soon as possible and do the much needed healing.

What To Do When Your Husband Doesn't Want You To Go Out

I've written before about living with a controlling husband, however a recent comment from one of the readers inspired me to look deeper into a specific problem: your husband is against your going out. So I put together sort of a "survival guide" with some steps you should take to mitigate the inevitable conflict.

Mind, I'm not going to address how unjustified his reactions are, we all get it. The way I look at it, living with a control freak is like living with a child with behavioral issues: he can't help it, every time you go out he has to throw a tantrum because he fears he is losing control. No need to get mad, judge or fight him. You can feel sorry for him but you gotta do what you gotta do. Unfortunately, you can't help him deal with his emotions, your main responsibility is to protect yourself, your life and your emotional well-being from the destructive influence of his manipulative ways. So here's what you can do to make it easier for YOURSELF:

BEFORE

Telling him you are going out requires certain wisdom. If you ask for his permission he is likely to say no. If you simply deliver the news as a statement, he will get mad you didn't ask for his permission. So what works for me is a combination of both. "Honey, I made plans to go out with my girlfriends this Saturday night (statement), I hope you don't mind (sort of asking for permission)". It's important to mention that you've already made the arrangements, so it's no longer between you and him (manipulators strive in one-on-one battles), but there are other people involved who already expect you to show up and not doing so will be suspicious or require an explanation.

If he strongly objects to it, you need to give him a valid reason why you are still going. Keep in mind that obvious reasons that work for normal people, won't work for him (you want to have some fun, you miss your family, you don't feel part of the team if you never go to a happy hour with co-workers, etc.) What he needs is a SUPER-reason, the one he won't be able to counter-argue with. For example, when he is against my girls-night-out, I say that I've been so stressed out lately, that if I don't go out and get some distraction, I will have a nervous breakdown and he will have to find me a psychiatrist/shrink/mental institution. Works every time! He doesn't want that kind of responsibility.

If he doesn't want you to go to a family gathering, tell him you already promised your mom and you can't stand to upset her. If it means that much to him, HE should then call your mom and explain why you are not going. The prospect of doing it will terrify him enough to back down. Manipulators prefer to stay on good terms with the rest of the world, it's only with you, desperate for control, they are not afraid to lose face. Besides, they usually use guilt to make you change your mind but in this case you throw the ball in his court and the decision is his to make.

DURING:

So you are going and he even gave his half-hearted yes to the outing. But now he wants you back home at 10pm even though the party starts at 9.... He will instruct you not to consume any alcohol and will find a million reasons why the outfit you're wearing is inappropriate. In other words agreeing to you going out doesn't mean he won't try to still ruin it for you. Like a kid who throws a tantrum when mom goes to work, even though he promised to be a good boy. So ideally, if you want to have a good time, you need to mentally "divorce" your husband as you close the door behind you, turn off your cell phone and enjoy the night. You will deal with the consequences later.

If you feel like this tough love is too tough for him, leave the phone on, but don't pick it up as he starts to frantically call you. Send him one vague text message "everything is fine, we'll be home soon" somewhere in the middle of the night, then bury the phone deep in your purse and give your full attention to the party.  If you go back and forth texting each other or fighting over the phone you might as well have stayed at home. Remember, you are "divorced" for the night, and don't let your "ex" ruin your evening. He's gonna give you a hard time the next day no matter what, so which one you pick - to enjoy the party and then have a fight or not to enjoy the party and still have a fight?  But to make it easier turning off your phone is highly recommended.

AFTER:

The key is to act as normal as possible, the minute he senses a hint of guilt you are doomed to lose in the upcoming argument. Don't try to be extra nice or appease him with a super-fancy breakfast. Remember, you did nothing wrong and it's him who is having a problem. (Ideally, he should be the one serving you breakfast in bed for making you deal with his problems.) The party was yesterday and you've already moved on to today, so busy yourself with the matters of today. I used to make a mistake of giving him the details of the event: who came, what and how much we drank, what time it ended. It gave him lots of reasons to blame me - for hanging out with the wrong people, drinking too much, staying out too late. Now I stay as evasive as possible, providing minimum information and emphasizing that I don't care about it as much as he does. How was the party? - it was ok. - Who was there? - a few people. - What were you doing? - eating. - How much you drank? - not much. - How late you got home? - not sure. He simply won't be able to build up a conversation based on your 2-word answers and the argument will extinguish itself as it barely starts.

These are some of my strategies, they might not work for you but I hope they will at least inspire you to look for your own solutions. Just remember, the key objective of any manipulator is to make you think about a situation, to put you in a state of introversion until you start feeling guilty however irrational it seems. He will blow it out of proportion and make it difficult for you, so that next time you think twice before going out again. He is trying to make it big - you  should make it smaller. "I went out last night, what's the problem again?" He wants you thinking about it, he wants you mad  because that's how he felt last night when you were gone. Show him you've already moved on and it's him who's still stuck. "I'm sorry I can't talk about it now, I have to do laundry and go food shopping". And most importantly, resist the temptation to think and worry about it before, during and after you went out. It's not him who is ruining your life because he has a control problem, it's you who let's him put you into this thinking mode. So get distracted, command yourself not to think about it, not to feel mad and eventually you will make the problem non-existent, just like it should be.

Should You Forgive Cheating?

 

I'm not that into celebrity love scandals but Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart happen to be one of my favorite couples. They just compare too well to shallow, spoiled, materialistic and self-obsessed stars that are not worthy the media attention. Robert is very smart, witty and down to earth and Kristen... she's just so complex and enigmatic ( my opinion people, no need agree).

So when the photos surfaced of them being together again after the cheating scandal I felt strangely relieved. Because in spite of all the things that people wanted and expected them to do, they were able to distance themselves from all the noise and listen to their hearts. Have any of those "well-wishers" that poured dirt on poor Kristen noticed how much weight she'd lost after the scandal? Or how lost Robert looked in his post-breakup interviews? And how they can't keep their hands off each other in the recent photos as if they are afraid to let go?

If it's you who were betrayed, you are standing at the crossroads, and everybody around tells you to condemn the cheater for life - stop listening! People share your sad facts but not your feelings. They have no idea how much it hurts, this pain of not being together anymore, like the big part of you has been torn and you are bleeding. There's no tranquilizer to numb this pain and no revenge will ease your suffering. And deep inside you know that the only way to stop this agony that's eating you alive is to forgive. Oh, people will judge for sure, but sooner or later they will move on. And you will stay with that one person you can't live without. You will put the betrayal behind you until it becomes just a distant memory. But there's one thing you've learned - not to take anything for granted anymore. Because true love turns from a blessing to curse only when it's taken away from you.

I'm not talking about serial cheaters. Nor should you forgive a spouse who is cheating because he no longer loves and respects you. I'm talking about someone who is still in love but they make a mistake just because they are a weak human being and they've succumbed to a temptation that promised heaven but delivered hell. The kind of misstep when you look back and ask yourself what was I thinking?

So Rob and Kristen, and other couples in a similar position, will learn their lesson. They will realize the consequences of jeopardizing their relationship due to a fleeting temptation. But they will also come out stronger, more protective of their feelings, having experienced firsthand how much there is to lose. They will celebrate every precious minute of being together after those tormenting days of being apart. So just like them,  I would choose forgiveness and second chances over living an empty life, full of loneliness, mistrust and bitter regrets.

I Don't Need That

Your true nature provides the motive for creating the life you really want.
--Martha Beck, Finding Your Way in a Wild New World

We are standing in line at Six Flags and I'm trying to persuade my husband to go with us on this ride, which looks pretty modest compared to some of the crazier rollercoasters.  Kids as young as 4 are not afraid to go, I say, and we drove so far, and paid these high admission fees. Exasperated by my insistence, he finally yells out, "I don't need that!" Mortified that I just got yelled at in public by my own husband, which never happened before, I also feel guilt. Why did I keep pressing him if he clearly didn't want to go? As much as I was convinced that he would enjoy himself and thank me in the end, the choice was clearly his to make.

Feeling ashamed that he raised his voice, he did get on the ride. The worst part is that the ride was actually pretty scary, I couldn't wait to get off. And judging by his face when it was over, he felt the same way, which only intensified my guilt. I had no right to push him. But the more I think about it, the more I realize how much he is shielding himself from life with the simple phrase "I don't need that". You wanna go to the beach? - I don't need that. - Can we go on vacation? -  I don't need that. - Will you take our son to the movies? -  I don't need that. The only thing he needs is to come from work and glue himself to the TV. Work, TV, work, TV, work, TV - 365 days a year and he is content. Though occasionally he does complain how tired he is from this "dog's life" with no fun in it. To which I just roll my eyes because if I start suggesting the options that could add some variety to it, I will hear the usual "I don't need that".

It's sad because when I apply enough pressure and manage to pull him out of his routine, he appreciates it. After the Cirque du Soleil performance he exclaims in excitement that we should go more often. During our vacation in Cancun he keeps saying that we should look into booking the next vacation right after we come back from this one. And on a rare occasion that we eat out, he says that we will do it once a week from now on. But the minute he is back to his work-TV routine, his enthusiasm wanes and any suggestion of doing something for fun is immediately rejected.

I'm afraid I've exhausted my pushing power. His an adult who is perfectly capable of making his own decisions. I cannot live his life for him. And if the decision is to miss out on life in favor of the work-TV-sleep circle, I should probably respect that. But I don't. Because where does the family fit in?

I know he will have very few good memories. Thinking about the endless TV shows he has watched is unlikely to warm up his heart when he gets old. But if I can't tell him how to live his life, it doesn't mean I should stop living mine. I need these good memories of a great time and I want to ensure that our son has them too. The time spent together as a family exploring life outside our house. We go everywhere we can, the two of us, we talk about what we see and that's how we bond. Me and my son. And neither of us will look back disappointed, because we needed it so much - the adventure, the new experiences, the fun time - so we went and we did it all.

Trivial Issues in Marriage with Serious Consequences

I often feel like in my marriage I gravitate between two opposite poles. One is when things are really good between us, but we seem to be pulled in that direction less and less frequently. The other is when our relationship is a complete disaster and nothing makes sense. Like I said, I barely reach the “coast of happiness” any more, and getting to the wrong side makes me so utterly depressed and miserable, that I try to get away from it as fast as possible and stay in neutral waters, where things are neither good, nor bad, they just are. Unfortunately, lately even staying in the neutral zone has been so much work. Our communication reminds me of playing the Minesweeper: no matter how slowly you move or how well you calculate every step, you are bound to hit the mine and all the previously done work is blown off, and you have to start over. 

I’m not sure I even possess the right level of diplomacy to communicate my point without sounding offensive. He’s been offended by the smallest remarks latterly (since when did he learn to be so sensitive, used to be my thing) and I constantly feel like I’m walking on eggshells. 

So here's our seemingly trivial issue - his obsession with shopping, which is driving me crazy. I try to under-react when he buys more shirts or pairs of socks than he could possibly wear, but I totally lose it when he brings home 10 shopping bags full of stuff for the kitchen. I hate clutter and fight with it relentlessly. And considering kitchen my kingdom, I hate seeing it cluttered with stuff we never use. Yesterday I exploded when he bought another veggie grater for me – because it’s the 4^th grater he has got this year. And four graters take up half the shelf in my kitchen cabinet. But when I asked why would I need yet another grater, his response is - to replace the old one. And that’s what pisses me off, I love my old grater! (since when 1 year is considered "old" for a stainless steel item like that?) I am used to my kitchen utensils, and pans, and dishware and I don’t need them replaced until they are fully worn out or damaged.

I also hate when stuff piles up and takes up all the space in the cabinets, so occasionally I undertake the task of decluttering. I take all the items we don’t use, put them in a box and give it to him to discard or donate only to find the same items mysteriously lurking again in the far corners of the shelve I cleared out just yesterday. Now that is truly a mad-stuff disease: new stuff comes in and old stuff doesn’t come out. And if only those were the things that we needed: for some reason his focus is on a specific group of things (pans, silverware, dishes), whereas there are items for the house that were on our to-get list for years.

The problem is we see it differently. What is cluttering to me, he perceives as “buying things for the home”. So I come out as a bitch, complaining about my saint of a husband who works so hard to make our kitchen a better place. I tried to go nice about it, thank him for “the wonderful purchases” and hint that maybe we are good for now only to be presented with a new set of pans a couple of weeks later. I tried to be honest and bring up the issue of clutter but he would get offended and won’t talk to me for days because I don’t appreciate his efforts. I tried to divert his attention to other areas, such as a hole in the ceiling from a leaking pipe that has been covered with cardboard for 1.5 years now. But the issue remains, and so does the ceiling hole. And of course he refuses to acknowledge that his shopping spree takes place on days when he is especially stressed out at work and finds his refuge at the local Kohl’s store. 

I try to stay calm and tell myself that at least he doesn’t go to Atlantic City or a fancy electronics store to seek a few hours of oblivion (and part with a few hundred if not thousand dollars). I just hate to see my favorite kitchenware gone, replaced with new alien items that take getting used to. And since I’m the one who does all the cooking, I see it as intrusion into my sacred realm. It’s just one example of gaps in our communication, when no matter how I approach it, he doesn't get my point. So at the end of the day I’m always the bad guy unless I thank him profusely for yet another grater added to my expansive collection… Should I consider turning them into lanterns like in that photo I found?

When Being Married Hurts

The scary thing about any problematic marriage is that you have less and less desire to put an effort. You know exactly what things to say or steps to take to ease the tension, to restore peace, to be on friendly terms again despite all the mean things you said to each other when you both lost control during that last fight. You just don’t feel like bothering with all the proven tactics. You don’t feel like fighting any more. You know that after working so hard to make up, to make things better will come the time when one careless word will cause the domino effect and everything will go to hell. And you will hit each other with harsh words again, and you won’t probably regret it as much as you used to.

That’s what scares me, this feeling of being so burnt out emotionally, so drained having fight after fight that I don’t see the point in saving anything. My analytical mind knows all those solutions available since there are still plenty – I could have said this, or done that – but suddenly there’s an inner barrier, this stubborn feeling, a daring thought (however self-destructive it is): I am done trying.

People often leave me comments that have one thing in common: lack of hope. And there’s always hope that life will take a new, better turn, and oftentimes this hope is within arm’s reach. It’s just that many of us stop at some point and refuse to take another step forward, even if life depends on it. Because we are tired to feel like a donkey that follows a carrot on a stick: we solve one problem thinking that our marriage has just improved because we are more compassionate, or supportive, or better listeners, cooks, lovers, etc. but more issues come up turning it into a never ending "taking off" process, where it's been years and we are still not flying...

I haven’t written here lately, things have worsened between us, there hasn’t been any positive experience or development in the past 3-4 months, that would inspire me to say something to inspire others, to offer advice or hope. But you know what’s the worst thought of all? When I think: maybe it wasn’t destined for me… Not meant to be (how much I hate these words). We all deserve to be happy in love. The minute we lose belief in it, light goes out in our eyes and we turn into pathetic losers, convinced that Universe has nothing left in store for them. So, dear friends, you may find me unhappy but not beaten, desperate but not hopeless, unloved but not unloveable ;)

I Can't Stand My Husband

I think all wives say (or at least think) that at some point in their married life. Probably even more than once. These moments come and go like tidal waves. But once this emotional tsunami hits you, it can be really hard to deal with the moment up to the point you feel like you will never go back to your normal way of thinking.  

In my case what really surprises me is that we can have these really big ugly fights and it won’t bother me that much, because I know that eventually we’ll make up and there’s no need to overburden myself with excessive thinking. On ‘war’ days I just turn off the switch and ignore his existence as well as our co-existence. But then I get this intense feeling of “I can’t stand this man, how the hell did I end up with him?” on the most innocent occasions when things are peaceful between us. It can be his embarrassing behavior in public that will spark the sudden disgust, the desire to denounce any affiliation with this man. Or it can be his stupid remark on things of which he has little understanding but still acts like he is an expert. Or his bad manners, which no amount of preaching and begging on my side can fix. All of a sudden I would get such a strong reaction to an almost innocent act or comment of his that it takes up all the space in my head and pushes out every positive thought that was there before. .

 

I know it’s best to ride it out, to let these moments pass, which they always do. Because If I speak up and let him know about my annoyance, he feels all hurt – “you always have to criticize me, don’t you?” And I end up feeling bad about my own bitchiness, and that no one is perfect, and that it’s probably PMS messing with my nerves… It takes some serious mental work to deal with these “I can’t stand him” moments. 

I lost count of all the occasions when he made me feel angry, annoyed, frustrated or outraged. These moments add up to the overall feeling of dissatisfaction: it’s like eating the dish you like but because someone put this one spice you absolutely can’t stand, you don’t enjoy the dish anymore since the spice is all that stands out. It scares me how under the influence of a moment I can wipe out all the good memories and positive feelings and succumb to a strong desire to criticize if not push him away. 

It’s important to differentiate between two very different levels of annoyance: when you can’t stand moments and when you can’t stand him 100% of the time. There is a way to learn self-control and practice tolerance if dark episodes are followed by happy, light moments. If you feel that however imperfect and at times annoying he is, your husband is still your support, your best friend, someone you need to keep going about life, you can downplay his not-so-successful acts. And that’s how I feel most of the time: he is the only person who is out there for me no matter what. I feel ashamed after “telling him off” for embarrassing (from my point of view) public behavior: why should I even care what others think? They don’t know his other side, his warmth or his strength that I myself lack at times. How quick we are to forget the good, and even quicker to notice the bad. So if I absolutely have to comment on those annoying habits, I approach it with humor and we both have a good laugh. It wasn’t such a big deal after all, I was just over reacting. But if every moment of your shared living has turned into absolute darkness, if you feel utterly relieved when he is not around, if you feel good about yourself only in the presence of other people, then you problems are much deeper. When you come to the conclusion “I can’t stand how much I can’t stand him” and it’s still the same after days or months, then the healthy balance of good moments vs. bad no longer exists and it’s time for more drastic steps.

Are You Feeling Unappreciated in Your Marriage?

Even when everything is seemingly well in a long-term relationship or marriage, many partners frequently deal with a vague feeling of dissatisfaction, like something is missing from the picture but they simply cannot grasp what’s at the root of this discontent. It often takes an insignificant event such as a random compliment from a stranger, or playful flirtation from a coworker for it to suddenly hit you: I just felt better about myself than I did for years. Alas, it’s inevitable: taking or being taken for granted is a pretty natural part in the evolution of marriage. The longer you share your lives, the less you marvel at each gesture, comment, act or reaction coming from your partner. It’s both a plus and a minus – you learn to underreact if he or she offends you, whether intentionally or not; you ignore some annoying habits, and you definitely lower your expectations. But along with downplaying the negative comes this habitual unappreciation that can lead to serious consequences, adultery being one of them.

So why is it so painful to feel that you are taken for granted? Because our ego demands recognition, acknowledgment of everything we do and the value we bring to this world. Because we need something to justify our existence. Because we have this desperate need to feel good about ourselves, and when that doesn’t happen, we feel just the opposite and no one wants to deal with low self- esteem and the whole ‘i-am-a-loser’ label. When we are not appreciated at work, or by our kids, or (this is the worst) by our spouses, we are very inclined to stop trying. What’s the point?

Unappreciation in marriage happens in various forms: lack of attention to your looks (you are not attracted to me, you don’t even notice what I wear); your contribution to the family well-being or order (whether it is bringing home your paycheck, cooking or taking your kid to the kids birthday party which you never fail to leave without a headache); your personal qualities (compassion, showing support, good listening skills, adventurous nature or good sense of humor); your sacrifices (I don’t even remember the last time I had a girls-night-out…) And certainly we are all guilty of the same flaw. My husband often complains how no one values enough the long hours he puts at work to make sure our mortgage is paid or endless shopping he does so that our fridge is never empty. I appreciate it, it’s just that most of the time I forget that I do. I don’t voice my appreciation because I’m pretty sure he already knows. And maybe he does but he still needs to hear it. Just like I need to be assured out loud that I am a gorgeous talented perfect wife and mother, that I am the best … at least in his eyes.

It all comes down to mere gratitude. Saying thank you. Giving a praise. Making the other feel good even in little things. It makes me feel good when he compliments the dinner I made, or when he suddenly texts me the “i-miss-you” words in the middle of the day, or tells me I look pretty with my newly-invented hairdo. It gives me calm and confidence when out of the blue he would sigh, “I love you, I don’t know why but I do love you”. It pushes my doubts and disappointment to the level of non-importance.

I don’t like when days go by with him acting like he doesn’t notice me. I hate it when he doesn’t keep his promises, refuses to help me or eats the meal I spent so much time cooking in front of TV. I am hurt when he says I don’t raise our kid the right way. But most of all I suffer on days when he acts like “love is gone” and I am someone he is stuck with, someone he has to tolerate; then I have to chase away the thought that maybe it’s time to move on…

And I know he feels the same way: he needs my reassurance of love; he wants to know that he plays a big role in my life, that without him I’m all lost and helpless. He needs to know that he is the man, the rock, the protector. Because it encourages him to be strong, to love and protect. Too often we underestimate the huge value of showing appreciation and expressing gratitude, we are recklessly greedy with our thank-yous. But unless we work on making appreciation a ubiquitous component of our relationship, there is always a chance it will be sought (and maybe found) elsewhere.

Does Your Spouse Ever Embarrass You?

We both lead a semi-independent kind of lifestyle. Meaning we each mostly do our own thing and don’t go places together that often. It got established that way due to my husband’s intense work schedule: as a business owner he usually works without days off. The selfless devotion he developed for his business affects many aspects of his daily life. For example it takes a toll on how he talks to people outside work. Like he is the boss.

Yesterday all three of us happened to be in one place together (and I’m not talking about the house): my son’s new dance school. After the class my husband walked up to the dance teacher to “introduce himself”. Here’s a replay of the conversation that happened:

Husband: Hello, my name is… I am the father of… we chose your school…. Blah-blah-blah

Teacher: Nice to meet you!

Husband: How is my son doing? How is his progress?

Teacher: He is doing….

Husband: He’s been training with another teacher for two years, competing in the contests, dancing with this girl… (details… more details…)

Teacher: We also do contests: regional and …

Husband: Very good. This is so good. Let’s see how it goes. This is all hard labor. (a tirade of meaningless compliments goes on…)

Teacher (finally manages to say a full sentence): Do you want to keep the old partner or find a new one?

Husband: Not sure yet, first he needs to improve his dancing. We rely on you, who you will recommend, some talented girl.

Teacher: I don’t usually interfere in the partner choice.

Husband (obviously not listening): So yeah, we’ll do as you say, if you recommend some girl, it will be nice, please find him someone.

I was so freaking embarrassed. What’s the point of asking questions if you don’t bother listen to answers?!? Why interrupt in mid-sentence? Why act like the teacher is reporting to you and you are the boss? I notice that people are frequently intimidated by him, and maybe it’s not always a bad thing, maybe the teacher will now give special attention to our son. But this kind of disrespectful treatment of people upsets me enormously, makes me feel ashamed and somewhat responsible, like parents feel responsible for the mischievous acts conducted by their kids. Should I feel bad about his lack of manners? Does it show that I tolerate this kind of rude behavior, consider it normal? (I don’t by the way, I insist on him talking politely to me when he forgets himself occasionally. He is also a pretty good listener at home.)

Does your spouse ever embarrass you in public and make you suddenly feel, even just for a moment, surprised that this is the person you are living with?

Movie Night

As it is we went to the movies. 8 years later we went to the movies together for the first time. Till the last moment I thought he will bail out of it, but he did come with us. Though he did jump on the work-related call just as we parked the car and were all in the let-the-fun-begin mood. He hated the theater (it did smell kind of nasty). He didn’t like the idea of wearing the glasses even though you can’t watch a 3D movie without them. I volunteered to go get popcorn which he barely touched. And of course of all the people he had the “luck” to sit in front of the boy who kept kicking on his chair, but instead of asking him to stop he just sat there slowly filling up on disdain and anger. And the movie itself was too boring and naïve for his taste. He did laugh a couple of times at odd places. But mostly I just sensed his tension which spread onto me so I couldn’t enjoy a rather enjoyable movie either. I noticed all the annoying things that I successfully ignored before: babies crying, loud ladies with too loud laughter, snacks being unwrapped wits rustle. Then he started checking his phone – I saw no missed calls on the screen. Yet he asked what time the movie ends. Then he suddenly had enough – he walked out in the middle of it saying he will wait for us in the car. I will never believe that sitting in the car can be more enjoyable than sitting in the movie. Yet it was a relief when he left as though he took all the tension with him. I finally got into the movie as I should have from the start and felt the familiar pleasure of being carried away, into another world, another reality.

He barely spoke in the car, though he did ask how we liked the movie. I barely spoke too struggling to accept, embrace, make peace with the fact that I share my life with someone who doesn’t know how to enjoy anything. Dry. Spiteful. Impatient. Always cranky. What I didn’t want to see or fully acknowledge was presented to me in a most bold form. I don’t complain. I probably don’t even have regrets. It is what it is no matter how annoying the phrase is.

I do want to ask – why? And why me? And if there’s hope? And will it change? For now I’m just trying to deflate a little that big balloon of hurt, minimize its effect and, as another beaten-up phrase suggests, focus on the positive. Is wanting to share my unshared life too much to wish for?

Feeling Hopeless In Marriage

I have my dark days. And when these days come, nothing that I do can help elevate the gruesome feeling of hopelessness and resentment. Then my thoughts begin to spin in circle: that’s not what I signed up for! I deserve better! It’s not fair! The inner storm escalates to a point where I beg for a sign pointing to the exit, something that says “escape is that way”, which I will follow without hesitation out of fear to explode. But there isn’t always escape, nor do I end up exploding with indignation. I plunge into deep mental work of sorting myself out, sorting us both out, letting the storm subside so that I can breathe normally again.

There are really two paths that I may choose to take: the dark and the happy one. And I’ve set down the dark path many times, always reaching the point when I knew I had to turn back, give it another chance. It’s the path of negative emotions, finding faults, blaming, hating and non-talking. Something you could rightfully call the “cold war” for no missiles are launched (such as filing for divorce) but the anticipation of the breakup is in the air. It’s when you do nasty things to each other to hurt back for all the past, present and future wounds, when all your actions are aimed at expressing contempt, even disgust. But you don't leave. Yet.

I’ve never walked down that road for more than a few days, a couple of weeks at maximum for the fear of destructive consequences this approach has on my soul. I would become a bitter scornful woman, get soaked with disdain. I would darken the already thick darkness. So I always chose to come back and initiate appeasement. But many people live in the state of cold war for years. And even as they head for divorce, the resentment lingers long afterward. No enemy left to fight but the fighting habit remains. And whole years are to be erased from you memory.

I don’t know how things will end for me. And I become even more clueless in my dark days. All I know is that I am not capable of choosing the path of hatred, I value my life and my dignity higher than that. Letting someone destroy you is as good as choosing to destroy yourself. So I will always choose the path of love and forgiveness, even knowing that this love is undeserved and unappreciated. Regardless the outcome, I want to be able to look back and see myself not losing dignity, rising above the hurt feelings. There’s always some light in our married days, weeks, years – our experience, our growth up to the point of complete transformation, all the wisdom that we acquire along the way. It’s just up to us whether we choose to see it or ditch these years as a complete waste of time.

Can You Break the Cycle?

Many of us live with a preconceived notion that we need another person in life for it to be complete, for happiness to come knocking at the door. We believe wholeheartedly that when we meet our significant other the most important piece of the puzzle will be put into place, that only then we will feel whole. And there is nothing wrong about thinking that way, in fact I am frequently wary of the individuals declaring that they are self-sufficient and perfectly fine on their own. It’s almost against nature.

The biggest mistake we are prone to make is to place too much weight in the way of our expectations and demands on the chosen one. We wait for someone to come and fix us! We are too lazy to do the work that concerns us. I often hear wives complaining, “he doesn’t do this and that… he doesn’t love me like he used to… he doesn’t treat me right…” They seem to be producing a long list of unmet demands that’s only getting longer with each year of shared living. Their dissatisfaction takes up all the space, it seems to be the only thing they are capable of talking or thinking about. Wait a minute, if your husband is to disappear tomorrow, taking with him all of your unaddressed concerns, what will you have left of your life? Would you look around like you just woke up asking yourself , “uh… where was I?”

We all want happiness so badly yet we refuse to even try to be happy unless our spouse would spread happiness in abundance on every single day of our life. Otherwise we stay miserable. And give him the attitude he deserves for failing to be the light that never burns out.

At some point I thought: no matter how hard I tried it’s not easy to be happy with him. Too much work with dubious results at the end. That’s when I decided to be happy on my own, first in spite, then for the sake… My happiness was the best neutralizer of his moodiness, aggressiveness or indifference. I started looking for things that make me happy even when he is not around, soon I was too busy to notice his lack of attention and ignore his nagging. I was no fun to have a fight with, he was looking at me with different eyes, I sensed the renewal of his interest. I was so enthusiastic about all the things I was taking on, my enthusiasm got contagious. I lightened up the atmosphere in our house, I lifted up the burden I placed on his shoulders at the beginning of our marriage: to keep me happy all the time – something that would wear down any man sooner or later. A happy wife is easy to love. A loved wife is happy. Stop thinking that only once he treats you write you will finally be happy (because he will only treat you worse if you keep going that route). Be happy now, be that light, you have that in you!

What Annoys Us the Most

Is there one thing in your spouse – a peculiar habit, a gesture – that annoys you tremendously, drives you crazy at times? More than one thing? I’m afraid I can produce a rather long list and all the annoying habits of Jonathan’s will be equally painful for me to tolerate. But there is one that’s simply killing me. The noise. The man was gifted (cursed?) with the loudest voice in the universe. His whisper (not sure I hear it often) is the equivalent of my normal voice. When he talks in a normal voice I have an urge to cover my ears to tone it down. When he screams, and he does it frequently when on the phone with his workers, I have a serious concern that I might become hearing disabled soon…

Ironically, I like silence. I get disturbed by noises, excessively loud sounds wear me down, make me lose my focus. And it’s not just his voice. When he walks – he needs to stomp. The TV always has to be on, the volume up. The doors are slammed. That’s the way he is, noise fits in perfectly in his world. We are not compatible in this sense.

But some nights, when he is working late, the quiet house freaks me out. Something feels wrong, something is missing. The silence then becomes so awkward and almost too loud to endure. I turned on the TV or music, but somehow still fail to reproduce the usual level of noise. I miss HIS noise. I miss him in this inexplicable way of missing the thing I dislike about him the most. Isn’t it fascinating at times how the whole relationship notion becomes so controversial? Yet that’s how the true attachment is formed. We acknowledge, accept and get used to the annoying habits we wouldn’t stand in anyone else. Those are the things that we remember when the beloved is far away. One of those twisted features that come in a package called love.

Living With a Controlling Husband

If you have an extremely possessive and jealous husband, such as I do, sooner or later you will realize the impact of his possessiveness on your way of thinking and your whole lifestyle. It will change you no matter how hard you resist and try to be who you are. It’s like bending a tree till it breaks – he will be pushing his agenda on you till you give up, because giving up is always easier.

I went to a bowling event the other night: it was organized by the CEO of our company and showing up was mandatory. Jonathan had no choice but to give me a green light since it was work-related. I had such a good time, in fact it made me realize that I’ve been lacking this kind of fun for so long. It’s kind of pathetic though that I was having a blast with no friends or family around – just some people from work who I barely communicate with under regular circumstances. But that's the reality I live in: Jonathan is not too fond of me hanging out with friends and going out; he'd rather see me home every night, bored but within his sight.

He’s been trying to box me in ever since we moved in together. He wanted to be in control of every little aspect of my life from what I wear to who I talk to. I understand that his own insecurities and fear of losing me are at the root of the problem, however knowing it gives me little help when justifying his often irrational actions and reactions. He is not the owner of me or my life – that’s how much I know!

It’s not like I’ve been living blind-folded for all this time and then suddenly realized that I am not a huge fan of his controlling behavior. I knew it from the start but somehow I believed that it’s not a big deal, I could live with it, moreover I could make him change, teach him to trust me unconditionally. And he did soften up and accepted some things that used to spark a lot of protest awhile back. But those are just small victories – yet there are numerous battles ahead. A freedom-loving person that chooses to submit for the sake of maintaining peace and harmony in the family can never be truly happy. Living against your nature for too long will inevitably lead to rebellion. That’s how it gets nasty – when you explode with all the rage that has been silently accumulating inside.

Don’t let things escalate into a crisis: armored with patience, you can actually make little steps of progress on a daily basis. Don’t argue but explain why certain things he is against are so important to you. Tell him that when he is understanding and agreeable, it makes you so happy you are together – you only wish he was that way more often. Try not to do something against his will or in spite of his ban: it’s important to get his approval even if it means wearing him off day after day with reasons and pleas. Express the heartiest gratitude once you get a “yes” so that next time he is less reluctant to stand a siege for too long. Fighting for your choices is important otherwise he will keep you underfoot and you will have little say in the family. But doing so with wisdom and patience rather than scandals and threats will get you better results and won’t break your family apart.