The Actions Are His, But The Reaction Is Yours

     I fill myself with love, and I send that love out into the world. How others treat me is their path; how I react is mine. W. Dyer

Over the years I've become a real expert of living with my husband. Dodging his verbal attacks, withstanding silent treatment tactics, adjusting to his mood changes. I became so good at practicing non-reaction, that I stayed alert even when nothing was wrong. You never know when a switch happens, right? You gotta stayed prepared. Until the moment I noticed that I got so good at living with his darker side, that I don't know how to be around him when he is his normal self - kind, humorous, caring - which he is most of the time.

It's certainly a sign of spiritual growth when you learn not to react when provoked by others, not necessarily your spouse. Your parents criticize your way of living, your friends annoy you with their complains, your boss has a resolve to destroy your self-esteem. It's natural to get defensive and all emotional; refraining from reacting requires a higher level of consciousness and practice. But what's the point of withholding reaction, if the negativity and judgment keep boiling inside your head to the point of explosion?

So now I'm learning a new way, a way of love and compassion. If my husband says something mean just to hurt me, not only I don't respond verbally, I actually try to send a blessing his way. I feel truly sorry for him, that life doesn't treat him right bringing out the worst in him, that he is probably stuck living with his demons forever since he is not even aware of them, that his moments of remorse are as powerful as his moments of uncontrolled anger.

So in the moment when we are about to have a confrontation, I don't try to prove him wrong or change his opinion, I work on changing myself instead. I think to myself, "he is trying to shatter my peace because his has been shattered long ago hence all his suffering. The best I can do for him, for both of us is to maintain that inner peace, let its healing power quiet his hurting self". Then I take a really deep breath, then another one, and one more till I have no reaction to his words other than genuine compassion. The results are amazing, if not miraculous. His fire is suddenly put down and he is changing the subject to something more positive. And I respond in the most friendly manner, as if his outburst minutes ago didn't happen. And we are back to being two normal, sensible adults sharing a life together, not two lost immature kids controlled by their emotions and fighting over small things.

Nothing he does or says these days can hurt me because I no longer identify with his feelings or thoughts about me. Especially since they tend to change by the hour. It's almost funny to observe his attempts to pull me into a fight, to get me to react and then stop mid-track because he encounters no resistance. He suddenly doesn't know what to do next and ... just calms down. Don't believe me? Try it yourself. Don't underestimate the power of your love, compassion and peace to override any negativity, to spread and touch another person in a new way. And then just watch your life begin to change.

Why Did You Choose Your Husband?

You ever thought why of all the candidates we end up marrying this particular person? Is it the law of attraction at work? Or the punishing power of karma? If I look 10 years back, I see what I was when I met my future husband. Scared, insecure, weak, needy and worst of all absolutely  unbearably lonely. It couldn't have gone any other way. He came - strong, manly, fearless - scooped me up, took me under his wing and shielded me from the world. Even with some obvious incompatibilities  and many differences - cultural, behavioral, intellectual - I was willing to move ahead with his strong current, the voice of reasoning too weak against my desperate desire to be protected.

 

Little did I know that his powerful, dominating personality will imprison me in a narrow cell of his limitations. That before I met him it was me against the world, and now it's me against him AND the world.  That when I was by myself I was surviving, but with him I started disappearing.

So the bitter battle began to preserve my identity and free will. To fight his every "no",  his irrational control and jealousy, his pull-push attitude where one day he would be all loving and needy, and the next - distant and despising. But worst of all was his impact on my emotional state: all the doubts and insecurities that emerged within me due to a randomly thrown comment or a straightforward insult. When I think about our first few years together, I feel utterly sorry for myself: he kept bending me in every way he wished and all I could do was cry helplessly and wait for a change in his mood to give me a break.

 

But this is not a story about my husband, he is not a bad man and he has to deal with his own demons. This is my story. Without summoning my own inner strength and cultivating self-love and self-respect, I would always be at someone's mercy - striving to please in return for approval, love, protection. If I don't know my worth and who I am, everyone will mold me to their liking. I realized that it was not about changing my husband, or finding ways to peacefully co-exist with him, or proving him the point. It was about instilling into my every cell the notion that I AM ENOUGH, that I'm everything I'm meant to be.

The past few years I worked hard to fix what was broken. But not in our relationship - inside of me. It was a slow process and I would rebound to my old ways of thinking now and then, but I was definitely changing. It started one day when I decided not to be mad at him when he deliberately tried to hurt me. I kept saying, "that's his problems and they have nothing to do with me, I know my worth". Soon enough his words or actions barely bothered me, I was ready to forget and move on within minutes. In the evening he would act all guilty, studying my reaction and then I would remember we had a fight in the morning. But being upset with him seemed too insignificant to concern myself with it.

 

Today I'm strong enough to say that the only person I will entrust with my happiness is me. I allow him to add to that happiness if he wishes, but not to subtract. Back in my single days there were other men, possibly better men, more compatible with my personality and expectations. But they scared me so much because I thought in panic - how could I ever stand up to their amasingness? I picked who I thought I deserved, who was my match at that point. Today it would have been a different story.

If you are struggling in your relationship, rather than digging up all the things that are wrong with your partner, look for answers within and see what brought this person to your life in the first place. What gaps were you trying to close? What insecurities to cover up? We often think that we need another person to feel whole, to supplement what we are lacking but we forget that we possess everything we need to navigate through life with or without a partner. I stopped asking myself - why him? Through my husband I've learned many lessons about myself and uncovered many of my own limitations.  These days I only allow him to love me. The minute he tries to control, upset or frighten me, I lose interest and retreat into my own happy world. When he opts for his mean ways, he is not compatible with me  so I simply shut him out. These days he has to play by my rules, which is really just one rule called LOVE.

 

Does Your Husband Define You?

 

You ever thought that with a different husband it would be a different YOU? Your true personality would shine brightly and you would be all the things you ever wanted to be? I go as far as visualizing that different me alongside that perfect husband I should have had. I would talk more, especially about the inner struggles that plague me, my doubts and insecurities - because he could help me find the way out of the dark. Even if just by listening. I would take salsa classes because he would be more than willing to be my partner. And then we would dance winter Saturdays away since we now knew how, sweating it out in a tight embrace among other indulging couples. We would fall asleep holding hands (and certainly not in different bedrooms on the opposite ends of the house).  Our relationship would be completely effortless. I would be calmer, more confident, more self-loving and more whole.

But then I also hear and read stories of women who in spite of having amazing supportive husbands, fail to maintain their "center" and tumble down the self-destruction slope. Some of them are unable to withstand another treacherous attack of depression and instead of seeking help, give up trying. Others succumb to the enticement of extramarital flings, and get tangled in the web of infidelities and lies. I know women who neglect their appearance - gain weight, opt for a plain unsuitable haircut just because it's more convenient, never get out of sweatpants and baggie shirts. And then you meet her terrific husband and can't help thinking "he could do better". But maybe he did better, it's just that without the need to win him over and over, she relaxed and lost touch with her better self, allowing the routine get the best of her.

What I'm trying to say is that relationships define who we are but it's up to us to decide which direction this defining process should take. Each one of us is a complex, multi-dimensional being and certain circumsances and people in our life bring to surface this or that side of us. So maybe with a different husband it could be a different YOU, but even with your husband, however imperfect he is, it could still be a different, better you.

My husband is a man of shifting moods. One day he is loving and sweet, the next - he is mean up to the point of cruel. My perception of myself used to shift with his mood switches: on good days I felt loveable and worthy; on bad - I was so disgusted with myself I wanted to disappear. And one day I just got tired of this splitting effect of his splitting personality. My frail emotional system could only deal with one type of me and it was time to decide which one it should be. I visualized that amazing woman I could have become with a different husband, where only the best of my qualities would find way to the surface. And that's the image I've been sticking with ever since.

A few weeks ago, during one of his "nasty days", he said "be damned the day I met you". I should have been hurt to the core but I wasn't. I should have descended to the bottom of the darkest well of self-hatred because my own husband hated me so much but I stayed calm. I knew who I was and no hurtful words of his could shatter that image. I just let him fight his own demons. For the next 2 weeks, consumed by guilt and regrets, he was all over me, showering me with extra attention and love.

When working on this post I initially thought I would write "don't let your partner define you". But this is wrong because in a relationship changes and shifts in your personality are inevitable. Yet you get to control the ways he defines you. I could have become insecure, suppressed and miserable because of my husband. I became strong, resilient and self-loving in spite of him. And when things are good between us, I can sense his gratitude for turning out exactly this way, not the weakling he pressed me to become.

So maybe you weren't destined to shine as a wife of the most amazing man alive. But you can still shine! Define the better you and be it now. Merry Christmas and a Happy Blissful New Year of 2013!