If you have an extremely possessive and jealous husband, such as I do, sooner or later you will realize the impact of his possessiveness on your way of thinking and your whole lifestyle. It will change you no matter how hard you resist and try to be who you are. It’s like bending a tree till it breaks – he will be pushing his agenda on you till you give up, because giving up is always easier.
I went to a bowling event the other night: it was organized by the CEO of our company and showing up was mandatory. Jonathan had no choice but to give me a green light since it was work-related. I had such a good time, in fact it made me realize that I’ve been lacking this kind of fun for so long. It’s kind of pathetic though that I was having a blast with no friends or family around – just some people from work who I barely communicate with under regular circumstances. But that's the reality I live in: Jonathan is not too fond of me hanging out with friends and going out; he'd rather see me home every night, bored but within his sight.
He’s been trying to box me in ever since we moved in together. He wanted to be in control of every little aspect of my life from what I wear to who I talk to. I understand that his own insecurities and fear of losing me are at the root of the problem, however knowing it gives me little help when justifying his often irrational actions and reactions. He is not the owner of me or my life – that’s how much I know!
It’s not like I’ve been living blind-folded for all this time and then suddenly realized that I am not a huge fan of his controlling behavior. I knew it from the start but somehow I believed that it’s not a big deal, I could live with it, moreover I could make him change, teach him to trust me unconditionally. And he did soften up and accepted some things that used to spark a lot of protest awhile back. But those are just small victories – yet there are numerous battles ahead. A freedom-loving person that chooses to submit for the sake of maintaining peace and harmony in the family can never be truly happy. Living against your nature for too long will inevitably lead to rebellion. That’s how it gets nasty – when you explode with all the rage that has been silently accumulating inside.
Don’t let things escalate into a crisis: armored with patience, you can actually make little steps of progress on a daily basis. Don’t argue but explain why certain things he is against are so important to you. Tell him that when he is understanding and agreeable, it makes you so happy you are together – you only wish he was that way more often. Try not to do something against his will or in spite of his ban: it’s important to get his approval even if it means wearing him off day after day with reasons and pleas. Express the heartiest gratitude once you get a “yes” so that next time he is less reluctant to stand a siege for too long. Fighting for your choices is important otherwise he will keep you underfoot and you will have little say in the family. But doing so with wisdom and patience rather than scandals and threats will get you better results and won’t break your family apart.
Living With a Controlling Husband
Rationality vs. Risk Taking?
We all do crazy, reckless things when we are young and single. Settling into a married life means facing new economic circumstances and requires an increase in one’s sense of responsibility. As a rule wives manage to accomplish it faster and more effectively: they become very frugal and practical to ensure the well-being of their family. Men do so more reluctantly, they occasionally deviate from rigorous budget planning to make pricey and unnecessary purchases. So when rationalism clashes with risk-taking, which one will come out a winner?
Rationalism is a typical wifely feature. It takes roots in the maternal instinct: a mother always puts feeding her babies ahead of everything else; besides, not only she wants to make sure hers kids have food today, but also tomorrow, a week, a year from now. She is planning far into the future, denying herself little (and not so little) pleasures if necessary. A husband knows that he needs to provide for the family, however as long as he puts the food on the table today, he considers his mission pretty much accomplished, since tomorrow is another day. And if something goes wrong he is convinced he will have time to figure something out.
A conflict will often arise when a couple plans to make a big purchase, such as a new car, a large screen TV or a swimming pool. A woman will go for functionality and safety features, it’s also important for her to buy a product that is convenient for use and affordable. A husband is more interested in all the extra new features (not because he’ll use them, but because it’s cool to have them); his ego will require a most recent release, a most popular (highly advertised) model. He won’t be scared away by the above-his-budget price, just the opposite – men find more satisfaction in buying expensive products, rather than on-sale or clearance items. And as always they will think about paying if off later on…
Does it mean that a wife should have more say when there’s a big decision to be made? Not necessarily. It’s more about a healthy mix, learning to coordinate and cooperate in the decision-making process. A wife will come up with logical well-thought options that are in the family’s best interests. A husband’s ideas can be more spontaneous and less rational, however by raising a level of risk tolerance, he will often manage to get things from the “dream world”, achieve daring victories, expose his family to new experiences.
Shoot for the stars when you can, stay on the ground when it’s necessary.
Why We Talk And How We Listen
One of the biggest differences between men and women discussed in many relationship publications is why we talk. When men have a problem, they talk it out to find a solution. When women talk about a problem, it’s to vent by expressing their concerns and fears. Men’s talking is aimed to solve, women talk to express themselves and move on.
Understanding this simple concept can eliminate so much misunderstanding in any relationship. If your husband is complaining about a very annoying coworker, try to help him find possible solutions for dealing with a conflict situation. “Honey, you may choose to ignore him or confront him, think what will make you feel better and won’t affect your career in a negative way”. Something like this. You listen, help him see what options are out there ( dare I say men are more narrow-minded and less-creative than women – so frequently they are convinced that there is just one solution to a problem). He appreciates your involvement and advice.
With women it gets a little tricky. I cannot keep things that worry me all to myself – soon enough I will feel like I am ready to explode. Complaining is one of the key strategies of how women deal with daily stress. After all, our stress tolerance level is much lower than that of men, we are more fragile emotionally. The trick is we often complain about things we cannot change. Or things that don’t necessarily make us unhappy, they may just worry us or make us feel insecure.
Let’s say I complain that I don’t feel like going to work. If Jonathan listens, nods and consoles me by saying “it’s ok, honey, the weekend is almost here” or “I know you feel tired” – I instantly feel better. I expressed myself, was heard and understood. Going to work no longer seems to be such a daunting task. But if he tries to find a solution, which is not what I am seeking, and tells me “if you don’t like to work – stay home and be bored” , I don't get my relief - moreover I now feel annoyed, misunderstood and even more miserable.
A friend of mine told me that he is sick of his wife’s complains: he decided to give her whatever she wants even if the outcome will make things worse. She complains that he doesn’t make enough money – he will find a better paid job but with longer hours, so he won’t be home in the evenings to help her with the baby. She wants to go on vacation even though the money is tight – he will wipe out their savings to spend a week in some luxurious resort. Needless to say with this approach they began to fight even more. So I taught him a few phrases for their next conversation on a topic of unfulfilled wishes: “ I know you feel frustrated but things will get better”, “ I am sorry you are upset”, “I appreciate your patience, I will work hard for us to have everything we deserve”. I explained to him the concept of mere listening – no critique or solution-finding. He was beaming the next day – “It worked!”
Maybe your husband too needs a little help to become a better listener. I told mine long ago that I complain for the sake of complaining, it’s what makes me feel better. I make sure to thank him for listening. And if he is on the verge of losing his patience – I tell him that going shopping is my next stress-relieving strategy on the list. So him listening for my nagging and whining for extra 10 minutes will come out cheaper in the end.
Why is He Never Good Enough?
Do you have those moments of irritation, close to desperation, when you feel like everything your husband does is wrong? It’s not that you are hard to please, but there is a certain minimum of spousal “performance” that is quite reasonably expected. To be a good listener and show interest in your problems. To make sure to spend some quality time together, do something as a couple: hiking together once a month, going to the movies every second Sunday night. To maintain romance in your life, even if you are not as passionate about each other. But alas, you feel like every normal husband does it except for yours. Did you get a “defective” product???
Your list of claims may be different from mine, but I am sure every wife has it. So does every husband (Jonathan would probably name my lack-of-variety cooking as the biggest source of his marital discontent). The point is we always have some demands that we want to be met. And even if our spouse manages to fulfill all of our selfish wishes, we will come up with more. At some point, if we don’t stop ourselves, keeping up with our demands will become impossible.
Switching the status of your significant other from “totally imperfect” to “good enough” requires some substantial work and inner struggle. I will share a few ideas to keep you on the right track:
- Stop comparing him to other men. Even if you think that your best friend’s husband makes all the right moves, trust me he has imperfections of his own. Many seemingly happy couples have problems, which they don’t always share with the public. Besides, what works for others, might not be as appealing to you. You man is unique and he will never be able to transform himself into someone else. He is what he is. If the urge to compare becomes irresistible – compare him to the guys that are way worse: the ones that cheat on their wives, never help out with kids, have the lowest-paid dead-end jobs, etc.
- Focus on the positive. There has to be something good about him. But we often prefer to limit our perception: we downplay his good qualities ,then make a real tribute to a couple of bad ones. Take a moment to write down a list of all the things you like about him: it will serve as a great reminder why you married him in the first place in those desperate moments, when you feel like you are stuck in the wrong relationship.
- You are not perfect either. That’s something we all love to forget upgrading ourselves to an angel’s level. So here you do quite the opposite: write down all of your flaws, things you don’t like about yourself. Once you are done, read it carefully – who knows, maybe you will feel surprised and grateful that he hasn’t run away from you yet.
- Men don’t know how to read our mind! And this means that sometimes you need to take the initiative. Or to tell him exactly what makes you unhappy about his behavior/habits/attitude rather than wait endlessly till the bright thought reaches his mind. So I do plan all of our outings, even though I would love for him just once to be in charge. But if I don’t take the matters in my hands, we will just stay home on every festive occasion (which reminds me to make a reservation for the upcoming St. Valentine’s Day). But at least I know that we will have a nice romantic dinner with delicious food – and who’s in charge of making it happen doesn’t really matter. Stop waiting for things to change. Rather than getting close to exploding with disappointment that he doesn’t make you happy – be happy on your own. And try to make him happy. He will appreciate your efforts and will inevitably feel obliged to pay you back. Besides happiness is contagious and tends to spread around: so just open your heart and let it in.
Temptations, temptations…
You stayed married for years and your life together became so mundane, that any thought to spice things up and add more romance is just a thought, never really leading to action. Your relationship is so predictable: you know how he will respond to whatever you have to say; you know what things not to mention; you may visualize effortlessly how you are going to spend the next weekend, month, year, life. There is comfort and stability in this status quo, but boredom too: you often feel that you need something extreme to happen in order to get you out of this stagnation – you long for an adventure.
And then He will appear in your life. First as a very good friend. It will make you so happy – being just friends with a guy who understands you so well, who is ready to listen to your complains for hours (not pretending to be listening like your husband often does). He asks you a bunch of personal questions, and is eager to help at your first request. He notices and gets concerned about your slightest mood change. You feel flattered that someone cares about you to such an extent. This friendship is the best thing that happened to you in a long time: it’s nothing like chitchatting with your girlfriends with their never-ending nagging about relationships and their own problems. When you talk to him – you are always the center of any conversation. You can't wait to tell him about the latest events of your life because no one can listen like he does.
Then you begin to notice strange things. The way he looks at you, those longer than appropriate gazes. The way he “bumps” into you too frequently. A few weird way too personal compliments. It will finally occur to you one day – a terrifying and sweet thought: he has insanely deep feelings for you! This scary thought will lift you up and crush you all at once. What a pleasure it is to have an admirer, and what a curse it is! You may choose to confront him or prefer not to know. All the same: things are about to get nasty.
It's a big temptation to keep this friendship: you are unlikely to ever find such a devoted friend, who will rush to you when you need him, who is always conveniently there. But it cannot go on forever because his longing and suffering will inevitably come to the surface. The longer you stay friends, the more he gets to know you, the deeper his feelings for you will get. He is so needy now - and unsatisfied needs lead to anger. So if you try to maintain the appropriate distance – or even worse to increase it and put up some barriers - before you know he becomes your enemy. Or if you retain your friendship at the same level, he might feel used. He wants to be more than just your puppy on a leash.
Getting out of this is a challenge: the best thing you can do is to end this relationship before it’s gone too far. Even though you know that he won’t take it well and you yourself might have to go through the widest and wildest range of emotions. So the best advice here: keep the distance from the very start, don’t get too personal with your new friends of the opposite sex, who suddenly show so much interest in your personality.
5 Strategies for the Best Valentine’s Day Ever
Valentine’s Day is coming up and what is being done to make it unforgettable – the usual combination of flowers-present-restaurant? You follow the routine because it’s become a standard, what others do… You are no longer sure you anticipate this holiday. Choosing a present gives you a headache and you postpone it to the last minute. And as selfish as most of us are, we expect our partners to shower us with their love and adoration on that day, worshiping the mere fact of our existence. But what do YOU do to make it a memorable day for them? What do YOU do to show them your love and appreciation?
It’s not about buying a fancy present, it’s about making them feel special – and you can achieve it using 5 simple strategies:
1.Surprise.
There is a little child living inside of us – and kids love surprises. Do something you never do or something your spouse doesn’t expect: if you’ve never tried serving breakfast in bed – that’s a good start (boy, I wish it was done to be at least once in this life!) Make his omelet into a heart shape. Write little “I Love You” notes and hide them in his pockets, shoes, wallet. Hang on the wall a collage with the best photos of you two and write short funny poems underneath each picture. Write a love song and sing it to his work voicemail, while he is at lunch. The element of surprise will add some novelty to your feelings and your relationship especially on this particular day.
2. Care
If someone loves you they genuinely care about you. Show him you care too and it will make him feel closer to you. Ask him about his work in details, even if before you showed little interest in his achievements. “Fix” his tie (scarf, hat) on the way out. Ask if he wants something special for breakfast. Give him a massage, stroke his hair. Tell him to wear a warm sweater if it’s cold outside. Tell him to be careful on the road. Tell him to take good care of himself because you need him.
3. Compliment
Men and women alike like to hear compliments (whether we admit it or not). Even the lamest of the praises can cherish one’s ego and boost self-confidence. However once the life gets too hectic we forget to notice and acknowledge small things about each other (test: do you remember what your spouse was wearing to work this morning?) Now imagine that you see him for the first time: take a good notice of his hair, hands, smile. Don’t say common things like “You are the best” or “You are so handsome”. Make a personalized well-thought compliments that will give goose pumps: “I love your eyes, they hypnotize me whenever you look at me”; “What would I do without your courage and confidence – you are my rock!”; “No one understands me like you do – I am so glad to have you in my life”.
4. Hug
When he least expects it – just come over and give him a tight long-lasting hug. No words are needed… just hold on to him as if you are unable to let go. Turn it into a moment of intimacy that’s above sexuality: it shows how emotional you are because of him. This hug will symbolize your bond, which includes not just love – but also deep friendship and support for each other.
5. Love (Surprise!)
Say it first thing in the morning, say it last thing before you both fall asleep at night. Say it many times during the day, send a text message, e-mail, e-card; write it on a post-it and stick it to the fridge. There are so many different ways to send the message but putting it into words is the most universal approach, so don’t ignore it!
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Taking a Break to Prevent a Break Up
We go through various periods both in life and in marriage. Sometimes everything goes well, your relationship is blossoming with no visible efforts, you are both understanding and considerate of each other. But there are times when you did nothing seemingly wrong, but things are falling apart. Any trifle could spark a fight, no one is willing to compromise or yield. Astrologists would probably find a decent explanation to such a bad turn of events – the planets took the wrong disposition or something, but no explanation can console you and give you strength to get through the hard times with dignity.
The problem is that things add up, and the conflict is escalating to a point when it breaks into a war. You become enemies and treat each other accordingly. As a rule you no longer remember how it all started or who is to blame – you are caught up in devising new strategies on how to hurt him more. You are thinking of retaliation: I won’t talk to him for the whole week to make him feel lonely; I won’t cook his meals and he’ll realize how he is dependent on me; I will wear sexy provocative clothes to tease him by getting attention from other men.
What you don’t realize is that by engaging in this kind of activities you hurt yourself first. You become “that crazy wife” – scandalous, vicious, bad-tempered. You push back all the good qualities you possess in order to substitute them with the ugly war armor. You lose not only your dignity – you lose yourself in this meaningless battle that will be over one day anyway, leaving devastation but solving nothing.
Sometimes you just need to be above it to preserve your good self. So before you let drag yourself into the starting war, take a break. Let your emotions cool down, let your common sense take control and guidance. Taking a break will allow you to think things over in a calm atmosphere. Refrain from talking to him till you are ready. I still tell Jonathan that my silence is not aimed at hurting him, I just need a break to put my thoughts together, which usually neutralizes his hostility in moments as such. So he lets me have my space, and he has his space too, and we can both finally breathe.
Amazing things happen while you are “on a break” – your feelings metamorphose from extreme negative to confident positive. It goes like this: I hate him, I won’t last with him much longer – I don’t hate him that much but I still feel hurt – there are good things we’ve had together, I begin to remember that – he is the only person who truly cares about me – I miss him. No matter how long your break lasts – exiting it is usually more effortless than you’ve anticipated. Since most of the negative feelings are gone, taking that first step to establishing the truce seems easy and natural. Chances are he feels the same way, re-energized by the quiet time off he had. And he probably missed you too, even if you were in the same house all this time, but each in their own space. Little by little you restore your relationship, and it’s easier to do so when there is no devastation that a real war would cause. You are careful with your words and deeds.
Many couples split multiple times but keep getting back together. But you can take a break being under the same roof: minimum talking, pretend he’s not there, do your things. You will know exactly when it’s time to start patching things up again: you won’t feel forced to compromise, you will have a strong desire to do that.
