Many of us live with a preconceived notion that we need another person in life for it to be complete, for happiness to come knocking at the door. We believe wholeheartedly that when we meet our significant other the most important piece of the puzzle will be put into place, that only then we will feel whole. And there is nothing wrong about thinking that way, in fact I am frequently wary of the individuals declaring that they are self-sufficient and perfectly fine on their own. It’s almost against nature.
The biggest mistake we are prone to make is to place too much weight in the way of our expectations and demands on the chosen one. We wait for someone to come and fix us! We are too lazy to do the work that concerns us. I often hear wives complaining, “he doesn’t do this and that… he doesn’t love me like he used to… he doesn’t treat me right…” They seem to be producing a long list of unmet demands that’s only getting longer with each year of shared living. Their dissatisfaction takes up all the space, it seems to be the only thing they are capable of talking or thinking about. Wait a minute, if your husband is to disappear tomorrow, taking with him all of your unaddressed concerns, what will you have left of your life? Would you look around like you just woke up asking yourself , “uh… where was I?”
We all want happiness so badly yet we refuse to even try to be happy unless our spouse would spread happiness in abundance on every single day of our life. Otherwise we stay miserable. And give him the attitude he deserves for failing to be the light that never burns out.
At some point I thought: no matter how hard I tried it’s not easy to be happy with him. Too much work with dubious results at the end. That’s when I decided to be happy on my own, first in spite, then for the sake… My happiness was the best neutralizer of his moodiness, aggressiveness or indifference. I started looking for things that make me happy even when he is not around, soon I was too busy to notice his lack of attention and ignore his nagging. I was no fun to have a fight with, he was looking at me with different eyes, I sensed the renewal of his interest. I was so enthusiastic about all the things I was taking on, my enthusiasm got contagious. I lightened up the atmosphere in our house, I lifted up the burden I placed on his shoulders at the beginning of our marriage: to keep me happy all the time – something that would wear down any man sooner or later. A happy wife is easy to love. A loved wife is happy. Stop thinking that only once he treats you write you will finally be happy (because he will only treat you worse if you keep going that route). Be happy now, be that light, you have that in you!
Can You Break the Cycle?
Is Your Husband Happy?
Reading a blog about loneliness, I stumbled upon a comment from one frustrated husband. These are the words that somehow struck me the most and emerged me into a lengthy bout of pondering: “My wife does her best to null any joy or excitement”. Women are known to complain more about issues they have in their relationships: expressing feelings, untangling a twisted knot of emotional problems, self-digging to a point of losing touch with reality and then dumping the findings on whoever would listen – all of these are more typical of a feminine nature. I’m not trying to present men as some shallow species incapable of deep feelings, it’s just that those feelings are mostly hidden so well it’s easy to fall into fallacy of thinking that men can take up any emotional burden and still be okay. Is it really so?
I often get annoyed when Jonathan gets into this peculiar dreaming mood. He starts talking about all the things he would never do as if he is all ready to start execution of his grand plans tomorrow. It goes like “first we’ll travel to Europe, stop by in Italy, visit Scandinavian countries…” I can’t help it but put some cold water on his overheated dream button: I dismiss his dreams by strong reasoning and logic. In eight years we’ve been together we went traveling once and it took a lot of efforts on my side. As I follow my urge to bring him back to the real world, the light of joy fades away from his face: he is defeated, quiet and unhappy. He retreats into his inner world from which I am now banned. Once I heard him murmur: “ Let me dream, won’t you…”
That’s just one of the examples but I can think of many more when I was the one to “null his joy and excitement”. Yet he never complains and I proudly carry my rightness, convinced I did him lots of good. It daunted on me lately that I don’t want to be right any more, I want him to be happy. And even if I am not the source of his happiness all the time, at least I can try and give some space so that the springs of joys would emerge from underground. We may very conveniently think that they owe us happiness but we owe them nothing in return: we can do all the nagging and criticizing in the world and still be loved unconditionally. It doesn’t take much to be judgmental, it takes a lot of will to support something you don’t necessarily agree with. Unless you want to be that sort of wife, the one who is always right, the joy-killer.
What Annoys Us the Most
Is there one thing in your spouse – a peculiar habit, a gesture – that annoys you tremendously, drives you crazy at times? More than one thing? I’m afraid I can produce a rather long list and all the annoying habits of Jonathan’s will be equally painful for me to tolerate. But there is one that’s simply killing me. The noise. The man was gifted (cursed?) with the loudest voice in the universe. His whisper (not sure I hear it often) is the equivalent of my normal voice. When he talks in a normal voice I have an urge to cover my ears to tone it down. When he screams, and he does it frequently when on the phone with his workers, I have a serious concern that I might become hearing disabled soon…
Ironically, I like silence. I get disturbed by noises, excessively loud sounds wear me down, make me lose my focus. And it’s not just his voice. When he walks – he needs to stomp. The TV always has to be on, the volume up. The doors are slammed. That’s the way he is, noise fits in perfectly in his world. We are not compatible in this sense.
But some nights, when he is working late, the quiet house freaks me out. Something feels wrong, something is missing. The silence then becomes so awkward and almost too loud to endure. I turned on the TV or music, but somehow still fail to reproduce the usual level of noise. I miss HIS noise. I miss him in this inexplicable way of missing the thing I dislike about him the most. Isn’t it fascinating at times how the whole relationship notion becomes so controversial? Yet that’s how the true attachment is formed. We acknowledge, accept and get used to the annoying habits we wouldn’t stand in anyone else. Those are the things that we remember when the beloved is far away. One of those twisted features that come in a package called love.
Movies About Problems in Marriage
It’s hard to think of a movie where problems in a relationship wouldn’t be touched upon in some way. In the end no such thing as a perfect relationship exists in real life, neither does it in movies. There are lots of primitive movies based on the idea of he cheated/I divorced him/ I met new love/ happily ever after happened. But there are also some great movies that focus on less customary problems in marriage – they make you think and even relate to what’s happening with the main characters.
So here is my list – Top 5 Movies About Marriage Problems That Actually Make You Think:
#5 Breaking & Entering
The idea: having a constant challenge in a relationship creates an ever growing distance. Caring for their behaviorally challenged daughter wears down a longtime couple - Will Francis (Jude Law) and Liv (Robin Wright Penn). Liv turns out to be more resilient (as most women are) and does everything to keep the family together. Will finds it easier to escape by starting an affair with a Bosnian immigrant. He thinks he made things a bit easier for himself whereas in fact it only gets more complicated. Food for thought: women are more likely to solve an existing family problem (e.g. see a counselor), men will try to escape dealing with it (having an affair as a way to forget about the problem even if not for long).
#4 The Hours
The idea: there are women out there (big surprise!) who actually consider having a family to be the biggest burden and sanity shaker. Laura (Julianne Moore)gets so sick of wearing her fake smile and pretending that she is content with her suburban life and role of a perfect wife and mother. She first attempts suicide but eventually settles for leaving her family (including two small children) for good as a way to regain her freedom and sanity. Food for thought: it’s quite dangerous to drive a woman to this extreme degree of misery – suburban housewife’s life is not for everyone.
#3 Revolutionary Road
The idea: another tribute to the suburban dream life myth. April (Kate Winslet) and Frank (Leonardo DiCaprio) fight all the time unable to settle into the lifestyle imposed on them by the social norm of the time. They are briefly united by the idea of leaving it all and moving to Paris, but once their plan fails their relationship turns into pure undisguised hatred. Food for thought: uneventful predictable life can destroy the best of marriages.
#2 Mad Men
The idea: following social norms and commonly accepted stereotypes is far from having a happiness formula. Unhappy husbands, unhappy wives, their lonely children – all in pretty idealistic surroundings of a cute house in the suburbs, respectable job in Manhattan, recognition and admiration in the highest social circles. A "fairytale" life that leads to drinking, cheating, intensifying the feeling of loneliness, leading to depression and self-destructive behavior. Food for thought: striving for public approval, building your life from the mold conveniently provided by the society – will only result in estrangement and severe loneliness within your own family.
#1 Frida
The idea: what happens when it’s hard to be apart, and even harder to be together. Frida Kahlo (Salma Hayek) and Diego Rivera (Alfred Molina) have the most dysfunctional marriage one could possibly imagine. There’s an enormous connection they share, they are each other’s biggest support. Yet neither can stand the idea of being locked in this marriage and both seek extramarital affairs to add to their life’s fulfillment. Soul mates struggling to coexist. Food for thought: marriage will always feel like a golden cage to some – as much as they enjoy the good things that come with it, they will long to escape this love-hate relationship just to be back awhile later.
What’s your favorite movie about problems in marriage or relationship?
Temptations of a Married Woman
Every married woman at some point faces a temptation of being attracted to another man. It can be a small meaningless crash such as simply admiring the beautiful appearance of a model-like coworker, or it can be a serious passion-obsession, which results in an affair and might ultimately lead to divorce. Some women, especially at the beginning of their marriage, will feel indignant at the idea that they, just like men, might give in to temptations and be unfaithful at a certain point. The chance that it will happen though is rather high, not as high as when it comes to the number of husbands cheating, but still…. There is always a possibility. We are all human after all with our weaknesses and flaws. But it’s important to remember the saying “forewarned is forearmed”, if you accept that there’s a chance it might happen – you won’t be taken by surprise and will be able to think and analyze the situation, rather than feel paralyzed by the whole “I-can’t-believe-this-is-happening” thought.
So here’s a possible plot: you’ve been happily married for the n number of years, things are not as hot and romantic as they used to be, but you get along well, taking for granted occasional boredom and lack of crazy emotions. In the end marriage shouldn’t be like a roller coaster – it’s more of a serene port that provides comfort and stability. You have very strong ties by now but are likely close friends more than passionate lovers. Then one day at work you have a small talk with a very attractive coworker of the opposite sex and you are surprised how good it feels – your conversation lasted just a couple of minutes, but you are suddenly filled with warmth and incomprehensible excitement. Things start happening quickly – even though they are mostly happening in your head. You suddenly care more what you wear to work. You begin to have fantasy dreams, and even when you are awake your imagination takes you to almost forbidden places. You feel tormented trying to interpret any signs or words because they might help make it clear if you are liked back. At some point you are no longer sure what’s real, what’s imagined.
This kind of changes that are suddenly happening to you do not necessarily affect your marriage in a negative way. In fact if the whole romance is happening in your head, it might be beneficial to your relationship – you look better, feel happier and more feminine, and the mysteriously pensive look on your face may seem very attractive to your husband. So I would call this form of “mental cheating” a rather healthy and probably natural thing.
But once you cross the line and let things get too far, feelings will inevitably get hurt. Starting an affair will mean having a dual life - and it can exhaust anyone; a crazy range of emotions from passion to guilt, from love to self-hatred are likely to leave you burned-out once the affair is over. You can destroy your marriage and there’s no guarantee you will be able to replace it with the new relationship that started as a work romance. You probably idealized your coworker in many ways, a lot of his features were imagined by you in the attempt to escape your marital routine.
It’s essential to stick to your wisdom and common sense, and not let the emotions take over. Be prepared that one day you may suddenly feel attracted to another man – your coworker, a family friend or a stranger you met at a coffee shop. Be prepared to look at the situation from the outside, as if it’s happening to someone else, and assess the consequences of your actions. Try to project into the future – do you see yourself with this person? Is it worth destroying your marriage and breaking your husband’s heart? Don’t forget that when we don’t know someone that well, we tend to fill the gaps in knowledge using our imagination, which distorts our perception. This man that you suddenly worship may not be that perfect after all and eventually you’ll get to uncover a lot of his imperfections whereas you are well aware and used to the ones your husband has. So next time you feel like you are developing a crush on some good-looking guy – don’t panic: you can allow yourself some indulgence, as long as the whole romance game is played in your head and no one’s feelings are hurt.
Do We Make Them Cheat?
An interesting thing: if you go to Google and type “what percentage”, you will instantly be offered a few choices, the first of which is “men cheat”. And you get some very upsetting statistics: 50-70% of married men in America have cheated or will cheat on their wives. But putting the customary “because that’s what men are” aside, let’s look at the problem from a different angle. Is it possible that wives’ behavior is the root cause of the infidelity? Could we take some of the blame and, what’s more important, can we do something to prevent their possible cheating? And I am not talking about checking their cell phone messages or spying on them in any other way. I am talking about becoming better wives so that our husbands repel the idea of being with another woman.
How many of us are actually guilty of the following:
1. Neglecting to spend time with your husband once you have kids because of the tremendous shift of your focus. Not that I am suggesting to neglect the kids and pay your entire attention to the husband, but a common mistake many wives make is devoting all the love and energy to the kids, being convinced that “he will understand” because “kids need me more right now”. He SHOULD understand, but he doesn’t. He feels more like an outcast in his own house. Motherhood is challenging and exhausting and you need his support, but so does he. If you say that your baby takes all of your time, imagine for a second that you have two babies (3,4,5, etc. – the “+1”concept). If you had one more baby you would somehow find the time for him. So treat your husband as that “+1” and if necessary repeat the mantra “he won’t survive without me” on a regular basis.
2. Neglecting your looks once you get married. Being a wife should not stop you from being a Woman. We do our best to look nice when we get ready for work, but once we are home we can relax: smudged makeup, old stained t-shirt, ugly sweat pants. Remember how you used to look when you were just dating? Always making sure to wash your hair and shave your legs… It should not be any different now, because otherwise he will start paying attention to women who don’t fail to neglect their appearance. You should wear comfortable tidy good-looking clothes when at home. Just imagine that George Clooney (or whoever you choose to imagine) may suddenly appear at your doorstep – will you pass the “I am not ashamed of my looks” test?
3. Neglecting to listen when he talks. Maybe he doesn’t have the most exciting job in the world, and you couldn’t care less about the details of his 5-hour long meeting. Put an effort. Be that person he confides to. Make him feel confident that he can always turn to your with his problems because apart from being his wife you are also his friend. Many extra-marital relationships start off as a friendship. You don’t want him to end up with another woman because she understands him and shows him moral support better than you. Be that woman.
So here are just three simple things you can do to encourage his fidelity: be attentive, attractive and supportive. If he doesn’t find that in you, he may start looking for it in other women. I am strongly convinced that unhappy husbands become unfaithful husbands – so keep him happy.
When Separate Bank Accounts Make Sense
I am convinced that separation of finances is a good thing. We all have different personalities and our financial habits often vary a lot. I am really cautious with money: I plan my budget a month ahead and try to save as much as I can. Paying the bills is my priority, but if at the end of the year I have a considerable amount of money saved – without hesitation I will spend it on a family vacation. My income is stable and I have enough emergency funds to last me a few months if I am out of the job tomorrow. Jonathan has his own business which is pretty much seasonal. He can estimate his future monthly earnings but he never knows exactly how much it will be. When it’s slow he can make zero profit. Since money comes and goes in a somewhat chaotic manner, he spends it when he has it and “ties the belt” when he doesn’t. He wiped out all of his savings a few years ago when the financial crisis affected his business and was never able to replenish them. He may make a big unplanned purchase but then fail to pay the bills on time. He often spends money on things we don’t need but postpones buying essential items.
So we clearly exhibit different type of financial behavior and having separate bank accounts is the best option for both of us. I don’t mind having a part of the financial responsibility, but once I covered my portion of the expenses, I enjoy the financial freedom to spend the money on things that I like: clothes, books, concert tickets. Being a stay-at-home mom for awhile was really hard on me because financially I was fully dependent on Jonathan. He did do a good job paying for all the necessities but there was never enough money for anything extra. If I wanted to go clothes shopping, Jonathan would grant me a very small sum of money claiming that finances are tight at the moment. But in a couple of days he would wire ten times the amount to his brother to help him buy a new car. He is not a good planner and instead of trying to change him, I accepted this as part of his personality. I emphasize his responsibilities to provide for the family and secure our future, but at the same time I never criticize him for the small purchases that I don’t consider that necessary. I pay my half of the expenses and Jonathan has no control of how I spend the remaining money. We do discuss important financial decisions such as which college plan to choose for Peter, or how to get a better deal on our mortgage. But we also managed to reach that optimum level of financial independence which satisfies both of us. In the end disagreement about family finances is one of the top reasons why families fall apart. So maybe our financial planning is done in non-traditional ways, but it works for us and eliminates any reasons for fighting on that front.
