Are You Feeling Unappreciated in Your Marriage?

Even when everything is seemingly well in a long-term relationship or marriage, many partners frequently deal with a vague feeling of dissatisfaction, like something is missing from the picture but they simply cannot grasp what’s at the root of this discontent. It often takes an insignificant event such as a random compliment from a stranger, or playful flirtation from a coworker for it to suddenly hit you: I just felt better about myself than I did for years. Alas, it’s inevitable: taking or being taken for granted is a pretty natural part in the evolution of marriage. The longer you share your lives, the less you marvel at each gesture, comment, act or reaction coming from your partner. It’s both a plus and a minus – you learn to underreact if he or she offends you, whether intentionally or not; you ignore some annoying habits, and you definitely lower your expectations. But along with downplaying the negative comes this habitual unappreciation that can lead to serious consequences, adultery being one of them.

So why is it so painful to feel that you are taken for granted? Because our ego demands recognition, acknowledgment of everything we do and the value we bring to this world. Because we need something to justify our existence. Because we have this desperate need to feel good about ourselves, and when that doesn’t happen, we feel just the opposite and no one wants to deal with low self- esteem and the whole ‘i-am-a-loser’ label. When we are not appreciated at work, or by our kids, or (this is the worst) by our spouses, we are very inclined to stop trying. What’s the point?

Unappreciation in marriage happens in various forms: lack of attention to your looks (you are not attracted to me, you don’t even notice what I wear); your contribution to the family well-being or order (whether it is bringing home your paycheck, cooking or taking your kid to the kids birthday party which you never fail to leave without a headache); your personal qualities (compassion, showing support, good listening skills, adventurous nature or good sense of humor); your sacrifices (I don’t even remember the last time I had a girls-night-out…) And certainly we are all guilty of the same flaw. My husband often complains how no one values enough the long hours he puts at work to make sure our mortgage is paid or endless shopping he does so that our fridge is never empty. I appreciate it, it’s just that most of the time I forget that I do. I don’t voice my appreciation because I’m pretty sure he already knows. And maybe he does but he still needs to hear it. Just like I need to be assured out loud that I am a gorgeous talented perfect wife and mother, that I am the best … at least in his eyes.

It all comes down to mere gratitude. Saying thank you. Giving a praise. Making the other feel good even in little things. It makes me feel good when he compliments the dinner I made, or when he suddenly texts me the “i-miss-you” words in the middle of the day, or tells me I look pretty with my newly-invented hairdo. It gives me calm and confidence when out of the blue he would sigh, “I love you, I don’t know why but I do love you”. It pushes my doubts and disappointment to the level of non-importance.

I don’t like when days go by with him acting like he doesn’t notice me. I hate it when he doesn’t keep his promises, refuses to help me or eats the meal I spent so much time cooking in front of TV. I am hurt when he says I don’t raise our kid the right way. But most of all I suffer on days when he acts like “love is gone” and I am someone he is stuck with, someone he has to tolerate; then I have to chase away the thought that maybe it’s time to move on…

And I know he feels the same way: he needs my reassurance of love; he wants to know that he plays a big role in my life, that without him I’m all lost and helpless. He needs to know that he is the man, the rock, the protector. Because it encourages him to be strong, to love and protect. Too often we underestimate the huge value of showing appreciation and expressing gratitude, we are recklessly greedy with our thank-yous. But unless we work on making appreciation a ubiquitous component of our relationship, there is always a chance it will be sought (and maybe found) elsewhere.

For Better Or Worse

I can be a really awesome wife. Supportive, understanding, gentle, caring – you name it. It’s just that my experience shows that the harder I try, the less my efforts are noticed or appreciated. He thinks that’s the way I should be, that’s what is naturally expected of me and I should carry on playing the role of a perfect wife 24/7. And on my good-wife days he suddenly turns into a very flawed husband – mean, bossy and arrogant. And I become second class.

There are also periods of time when I seriously suck. Not even as a wife, as a person in general. I make zero efforts to curtail my temper, I let my emotions take over and control what I say: I’m annoyed with everyone and everything and I make sure that everyone and everything “get” it. I probably exaggerated just now: I’m not that bad, just human. So I say or do something under the influence of the moment and then feel terribly sorry. But all of a sudden he treats me differently: he actually treats me better when I am worse. He has more patience and forgiveness in him as if to compensate for my temporary inability to be sensible and fair.

So we frequently trade parts: when I give up trying – he tries double hard; when I "invest" into improving our relationship – he alienates himself and increases the distance. How do we get off this seesaw and return to a fair union where both are trying and both are appreciative of the other’s efforts and sacrifices?

When Men Are Mad

Many men are prone to mood swings. So are women but at least we have hormones to blame. And there’s probably some scientific explanation for male tantrums but I’m not interested to explore the causation or the processes involved. I want to understand how to react to those sudden changes in the mood that come out of nowhere and pass as abruptly. It seems like trying to prevent them is useless: sometimes the most harmless comment or action of mine provoke the undesired reaction – he stops talking and acts like he is so offended. Yet frequently, upon digging deeper, I discovered I wasn’t really the cause. I was more of an excuse to vent, the last drop so to say, because something bad happened at work and he was trying to cope but it only took a spark for all the stressing-out to come exploding to the surface.

My dad is very moody, so is my husband; and I notice a sprout of bad-mood-caused-meanness in my son, especially when he is tired or had a bad day at school. I have more patience for my son because he is yet to learn to deal with stress without taking it out on others. I let my mom deal with my dad because his “silent days” affect her more than anyone else. It’s my husband who I have to deal with, but do I?

When I first encountered his mood swings it bothered me a lot. I had to deal with them, I had to do something. And I did try a number of things: asking questions (that only annoyed him more), being all nice and supportive (I didn’t last too long if I saw no reaction from him), confronting him (always ended in a fight yet he barely ever gave out his true reasons so it was a fight about nothing). What made the whole situation worse was that I felt guilty – no matter how many times I would tell myself I did nothing wrong, I still felt like I did. And I wanted to fix it but I didn’t understand what it was that required fixing. That and his contagious glum would make me irritable and at times very miserable.

And then I watched my mom trying “to fix” a similar problem. I saw how her questions “Is something wrong? Did I upset you? Has something happened?” annoyed the crap out of my dad. But I also noticed certain satisfaction: it does feel good to sulk when someone is helping you to feel all righteous about your bad mood by acting guilty.

So I trained myself to withdraw at the first sign of my husband’s mood shift. It can mean shutting up in the middle of a sentence or having dinner in my room all by myself. I leave him alone to sort out whatever it is that’s causing his bad mood. I choose not to be involved, not even think about it - it’s like I go on vacation even though physically I’m still in the house. I don’t engage in guessing what’s going on, or sorting out my recent actions or words. I protect myself because I did nothing wrong to provoke it and even if I did, there’s always a civil way to talk about it.

I think my lack of reaction annoyed him at first: he wanted me to say something so that he could “act out”. But I refused to be a detonator of the forthcoming fight. And he had no choice but to wait till his internal storm subsided and he was back to his true calm self. Then he would talk to me nicely and might even mention why he was so down the previous couple of days. Or he might not and just let it all pass. I leave the choice to him just like I choose not to be a participant or the victim of the mood swings, which, even if it seems like it, have nothing to do with me.

Things That Only You Know

At times I find it scary to think that no one knows my husband better than me, with all the hidden passages in his mindset, his controversy, his true reactions to events and people. We’ve been together for almost a decade. What he was before he met me is what he no longer is and I am only a partial reason for the change. There were other variables to it – becoming a parent, settling into a more domestic life, getting a taste of what financial crisis is both in his business and our family budget.

People only get to see the sides of him he chooses to show. I get to see more with that internal look I’m allowed to take when no one else can witness his true personality. What he really is like when he can relax, protected by the walls of our home, when all the masks are taken off. I’ve seen deeper layers, both good and bad, and maybe that’s the key basis of the intimacy that two people share when sharing their lives.

I’ve seen him in vulnerability and despair his usual manliness conceals from others outside home. I’ve seen his softer side when he melts from the affection for me and our son, those occasional moments we all have when love fills us up to the edge and begins to overflow. I’ve seen manifestation of surprising cruelty, that emerges from darker depth, hurts me badly, and retreats as suddenly, leaving hurt feelings in me and painful penance in him. On days he acts like I’m a stranger whose presence is to be tolerated, I withdraw and console myself by thinking – this too shall pass. It’s like two different people coexist and fight for air in the same person, one or the other occasionally wins but mostly they are both subdued and controlled.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t know or see what no one but me gets to witness. But frequently I’m exultant that I’m the only one who gets treated like THAT, the way he worries about me, how he still expresses gratitude for having met me, for having me in his life. I guess you have to go in all the way, even if it means learning to deal with a few unpleasant surprises that all of us have but choose to hide, and only intimacy allows them to come up to the surface. Like he knows me and deals with me in my not so stellar moments… It’s the connection you want to deny, but it is there, stronger than any “marital glue” you can imagine, for those secrets, that naked honesty of feeling you share chains you together, making you one.

Does Your Spouse Ever Embarrass You?

We both lead a semi-independent kind of lifestyle. Meaning we each mostly do our own thing and don’t go places together that often. It got established that way due to my husband’s intense work schedule: as a business owner he usually works without days off. The selfless devotion he developed for his business affects many aspects of his daily life. For example it takes a toll on how he talks to people outside work. Like he is the boss.

Yesterday all three of us happened to be in one place together (and I’m not talking about the house): my son’s new dance school. After the class my husband walked up to the dance teacher to “introduce himself”. Here’s a replay of the conversation that happened:

Husband: Hello, my name is… I am the father of… we chose your school…. Blah-blah-blah

Teacher: Nice to meet you!

Husband: How is my son doing? How is his progress?

Teacher: He is doing….

Husband: He’s been training with another teacher for two years, competing in the contests, dancing with this girl… (details… more details…)

Teacher: We also do contests: regional and …

Husband: Very good. This is so good. Let’s see how it goes. This is all hard labor. (a tirade of meaningless compliments goes on…)

Teacher (finally manages to say a full sentence): Do you want to keep the old partner or find a new one?

Husband: Not sure yet, first he needs to improve his dancing. We rely on you, who you will recommend, some talented girl.

Teacher: I don’t usually interfere in the partner choice.

Husband (obviously not listening): So yeah, we’ll do as you say, if you recommend some girl, it will be nice, please find him someone.

I was so freaking embarrassed. What’s the point of asking questions if you don’t bother listen to answers?!? Why interrupt in mid-sentence? Why act like the teacher is reporting to you and you are the boss? I notice that people are frequently intimidated by him, and maybe it’s not always a bad thing, maybe the teacher will now give special attention to our son. But this kind of disrespectful treatment of people upsets me enormously, makes me feel ashamed and somewhat responsible, like parents feel responsible for the mischievous acts conducted by their kids. Should I feel bad about his lack of manners? Does it show that I tolerate this kind of rude behavior, consider it normal? (I don’t by the way, I insist on him talking politely to me when he forgets himself occasionally. He is also a pretty good listener at home.)

Does your spouse ever embarrass you in public and make you suddenly feel, even just for a moment, surprised that this is the person you are living with?

Communication Problems in Marriage Part II

And again I was responding to one of the reader's comments and it came out too long, so I might as well publish my thoughts as a separate post to continue with the "communication problems" topic.

Here's the similar experience of another struggling wife:

"I wish I could get my husband to have one of those "productive hearty talks." *sigh* It's been a week since our last fight (my husband sounds a lot like yours--a small spark and he erupts) He yelled at me until he suddenly retreated to his room and hasn't spoken to me since. So, even though I agree that having no communication this week has kept us from having a fight, it gets to a point where I feel a need to talk about what happened (Without him yelling at me). My husband just keeps things inside until he has forgotten about them enough that one day, magically, he acts like the past week (or month) has never happened. "


Big sigh in return... It's all too familiar. Just last Saturday my husband got upset with me about something, said a few harsh things and rushed out of the house without breakfast, as if he couldn’t bear to stay there with me another second. I was beating myself the whole day trying to think what I did wrong. I was considering calling him up to confront him what exactly made him so unhappy but I sensed he would evade the answers. I felt down as well as guilty – just didn’t know what for. But then I thought – his reaction is his problem. It’s still the same me, I am not a bad person and even if I did do something wrong, it wasn’t of the magnitude enough for someone to start despising me. There isn’t less of me even if someone's attitude implied otherwise. And I didn't become "unworthy" even though I almost felt the inclination to feel so. But I fought the negative thoughts and I carried on as usual, with my chin lifted, and my dignity, slightly dented, by all in all intact.

Maybe your husband can sense your urge to talk and deliberately avoids it because of that? Or maybe he needs time and space to cool off? Regardless his intentions and reasons, try to protect yourself first. Think of your arguments and best way to present them, in case he is ready to talk soon. But also think of the ways to distract yourself if he isn’t. Keep busy with other things. Right now you play by his terms but you can absolutely reverse that. Tell yourself that you are beautiful, smart and loveable, and no one can take it from you. And then act like it. I don’t mean arrogant, more like friendly but with dignity. Men are often like kids – trying out different reactions to test your limits. And sometimes they charge their ego on your neediness, which every fight emphasizes even more. Being the same cool you no matter what will discourage them to experiment too much.

We also have a lot of “buried” arguments, that are forgotten without being resolved. Sometimes we want different things so I accept his reluctance to talk and don’t push it. But I do have a “discussion” in my head, where I get to state all my reasons and then make the imaginary "court" declare me 100% right and “clear me of all the charges”. And knowing that I was right makes me feel better and more lenient towards the defeated side ;)

Thank you so much for your comment, it's always interesting to learn about couples having similar issues and how they are dealing with them.

Communication Problems in Marriage

I don’t know about you, but we keep most of our thoughts to ourselves. As much as they (marriage counselors) advise communication to keep your relationship functioning, to us it tends to backfire. It’s like living in the highly-flammable atmosphere and one spark is enough to set off a blast. And neither of us like dealing with the aftermath. It’s hard to say why communicating isn’t always working for us. Maybe we are too different and operate in frequencies that have little in common. Or maybe we are too alike: two stubborn mules that refuse to accept that the other is right. And probably there isn’t enough room for both of our over-sized egos. Even when we try to talk out whatever problems we have, we end up fighting. And what’s really frustrating is that neither of really attempts to listen, to hear the other side: we choose to presume that the “other’s” perspective cannot coexist with “mine”.

So I felt more and more convinced that silence can be a helpful device, for our relationship in particular. I even wrote a post on that last week, just didn’t have time to edit and publish it. And I am glad I didn’t because yesterday we had one of those productive hearty talks that brought the long-sought relief to both of us. It concerned raising our son: he felt too alienated from the process, I felt too overburdened, like he left me to deal with it alone and I wasn’t always successful. He showed me his side of things and how deep his pain was, and I showed him mine. There was no equilibrium and everyone suffered, just in the opposite way. And this mutual suffering, when heard out and acknowledged, made us even. We were both victims and we were both guilty of doing things the wrong way, which made us realize that we are not enemies. We are in the same boat and it takes everyone’s effort to keep the balance and make it float.

It’s always easier to withdraw, to avoid intense discussions because we believe that it’s the best way to avoid pain. But those unanswered questions and unexpressed concerns only pile up inside. They make you angry, the kind of subconscious anger you no longer know the roots of, because you let things clutter for too long. I know that sometimes I have to force myself to communicate, and many times I fail, but the benefit of clearing things cannot compare to hiding them deep inside, hoping that they will resolve on their own.