I Can't Stand My Husband

I think all wives say (or at least think) that at some point in their married life. Probably even more than once. These moments come and go like tidal waves. But once this emotional tsunami hits you, it can be really hard to deal with the moment up to the point you feel like you will never go back to your normal way of thinking.  

In my case what really surprises me is that we can have these really big ugly fights and it won’t bother me that much, because I know that eventually we’ll make up and there’s no need to overburden myself with excessive thinking. On ‘war’ days I just turn off the switch and ignore his existence as well as our co-existence. But then I get this intense feeling of “I can’t stand this man, how the hell did I end up with him?” on the most innocent occasions when things are peaceful between us. It can be his embarrassing behavior in public that will spark the sudden disgust, the desire to denounce any affiliation with this man. Or it can be his stupid remark on things of which he has little understanding but still acts like he is an expert. Or his bad manners, which no amount of preaching and begging on my side can fix. All of a sudden I would get such a strong reaction to an almost innocent act or comment of his that it takes up all the space in my head and pushes out every positive thought that was there before. .

 

I know it’s best to ride it out, to let these moments pass, which they always do. Because If I speak up and let him know about my annoyance, he feels all hurt – “you always have to criticize me, don’t you?” And I end up feeling bad about my own bitchiness, and that no one is perfect, and that it’s probably PMS messing with my nerves… It takes some serious mental work to deal with these “I can’t stand him” moments. 

I lost count of all the occasions when he made me feel angry, annoyed, frustrated or outraged. These moments add up to the overall feeling of dissatisfaction: it’s like eating the dish you like but because someone put this one spice you absolutely can’t stand, you don’t enjoy the dish anymore since the spice is all that stands out. It scares me how under the influence of a moment I can wipe out all the good memories and positive feelings and succumb to a strong desire to criticize if not push him away. 

It’s important to differentiate between two very different levels of annoyance: when you can’t stand moments and when you can’t stand him 100% of the time. There is a way to learn self-control and practice tolerance if dark episodes are followed by happy, light moments. If you feel that however imperfect and at times annoying he is, your husband is still your support, your best friend, someone you need to keep going about life, you can downplay his not-so-successful acts. And that’s how I feel most of the time: he is the only person who is out there for me no matter what. I feel ashamed after “telling him off” for embarrassing (from my point of view) public behavior: why should I even care what others think? They don’t know his other side, his warmth or his strength that I myself lack at times. How quick we are to forget the good, and even quicker to notice the bad. So if I absolutely have to comment on those annoying habits, I approach it with humor and we both have a good laugh. It wasn’t such a big deal after all, I was just over reacting. But if every moment of your shared living has turned into absolute darkness, if you feel utterly relieved when he is not around, if you feel good about yourself only in the presence of other people, then you problems are much deeper. When you come to the conclusion “I can’t stand how much I can’t stand him” and it’s still the same after days or months, then the healthy balance of good moments vs. bad no longer exists and it’s time for more drastic steps.

Top Reason for Divorce in 2011?

So according to this annual study in the UK, priorities have shifted. Being in love is now the #1 requirement for staying happily married. No feelings – no marriage. Just a few generations back it wasn’t that simple to walk away from one’s matrimony. Financial obligations, ‘raising good children’ concern and the reaction of the society were key factors that glued spouses together and made them if not deal, then at least adept to the marital issues, lack of passion being one of them. These days we have enough freedom and personal independence not to put up with things we no longer like or want.

I think the concept of a Better Alternative (I made that up) is to blame. We can have a better anything more and more easily and frequently. Better cell phones and laptops due to never-ending improvements and additional features, better, more reliable cars, home appliances that simplify our already simplified lives even more. You can get an upgrade in virtually every aspect of life, so why not apply it to your marriage. Yes, the union worked well before but now there are wears and tears: why settle for this diminishing value if it’s easier to shop for a new advanced version of Marriage 5.

Well, technology does progress at ridiculous speed: new improved features are added, flaws fixed… But we don’t change like that, we remain human and our flaws stay with us. So if you think that you are heading for a better deal because of all the excitement that a new relationship promises, you want to look back and see how it all started a number of years ago. And where you are now. Because chances are you will be at this point again. And again. As long as you stay on this roller-coaster: fall in love, get married, fall out of love, leave, fall in love again…

Not many people want to work on their marriage any more. We got lazy and spoiled. And discarding old things and replacing them with new, improved ones has never been easier. But in most cases a new relationship means old problems: misunderstanding, under-appreciation, little annoying things we inevitably have to put up with, possibly new bruises and scars in unexplored before areas… It’s impossible to stay madly in love for life, it’s been proven time and again. But working on your relationship is very doable, building it into a strong fort, a solid union which, though it demands certain sacrifices, never fails to give back – that should be the alternative to giving up and moving forward.

May your marriage flourish in 2012!

Thinking About the Wedding I Didn’t Have

He never wanted a wedding. Every time he offered a different excuse for why we could't plan it - from “we don’t have anyone to invite” to “I wouldn’t feel comfortable in front of all these people”. And I kind of got it, I accepted his reasoning and stopped questioning his lack of desire to celebrate our union with a big special event. But the treacherous thought would still creep in now and then: we could have had a no-guest wedding. Who needs guests? It’s so much better to have an intimate ceremony somewhere on the beach. Or we could have invited a couple of close friends: send them some funky cheap wedding invitations – who needs fancy wedding stationery? We would have a simple event – plain white dress (but bright flowers), simple setting – you don’t need to rent the beach to have a lovely ceremony. And the gorgeous sunset is free too – a perfect replacement for candles, or some expensive lighting people order for their weddings these days. I wouldn’t be asking much yet somehow I didn’t have the guts to make it happen, to put that extra pressure he was trying so hard to avoid.

And now I feel cheated. I made it too easy for him. A neighbor of mine back in single life used to say: make it harder for men, make them conquer you, make them spend money on you, then you will be their precious investment and they will value you higher. And I was thinking – how can you be so pragmatic! There’s no price tag that you can put on a relationship, on true feelings. But isn’t it where the whole taking-for-granted begins? Where your value as a life partner goes down because of all the sacrificing you are capable of? Maybe I should have insisted on the wedding like I insist on better treatment day after day. Maybe I should have valued myself higher so that he did the same. I keep saying that I don't want him spending money on me (because it comes out of our family budget), but isn’t it time to reconsider? His business is everything to him because of the enormous amount of money, time and effort put into it, shouldn’t it be the same way for our relationship? Sometimes I am afraid that by making it too easy for him, by discouraging his efforts I turn myself into an unworthy prize, losing which is not really a big loss. So maybe it was me who instilled this idea in him, that a bare minimum of attention, and time, and feeling is sufficient to keep me satisfied, to keep us together?

Married and Have a Crush?

Do you think it’s wrong to have a crush on someone if you are happily (and even not-so happily) married? But maybe the question should be - can you help it? Can you help this feeling of excitement when you notice that someone gives you affectionate gazes that make your heart race and push all the daily problems to the realm of insignificance? It can be unethical. It’s probably immoral. But it’s also very likely to be humanly normal if not healthy.

I’ve accepted long ago that I’m one of those people who constantly has a “slight” crush on someone… well, new… I tried to go in denial the first couple of years after we got married. I played the role of a devoted wife, avoiding as much as looking at other men with untypical enthusiasm. But I was beginning to feel less like a woman, but more like a genderless person. A “dried apricot” is the expression I came across in one book. My husband’s attention and adoration were declining too (naturally) and I felt like I was disappearing. That totally changed when I got a stalker (a weird story of a guy falling for a mom with a stroller, shabby clothes and no makeup on). I wouldn’t think of a better way to shake things up, to shake myself up than having an admirer. Makeup was back on, and clothes shopping jumped up on the list of priorities. I didn’t even like the guy, he wasn’t a creep, probably just a lonely sole, but I was more fascinated with the idea that he liked ME! Apparently, I was still very much likeable. I almost felt sorry when we moved from that neighborhood so I “tossed” the stranger who would wait for me in the park on a regular basis.

But that was the beginning, or resurrection, of my secret life, when I embraced that side of me that has a constant need to be slightly in love with someone other than my husband. I let it be because if this is who I am, I doubt I can change that. But I make sure I’m in control and never let it affect my reality, my family, my attitude. Every time I have a new crush (mostly it’s at work where similar things happen to almost everyone these days), I indulge in a wave of exciting emotions, I devour feeling more alive and welcome this sudden desire to look more attractive, to talk with more charm. And if things get more dramatical than I would want, if emotions are too strong and threaten to escape my control and strike back, I think back and recollect all the similar mini-dramas that took place in the past number of years, and how they all proved meaningless in the end.

I know what’s at stake. My family is all I have and no momentary pleasure can justify ruining the best thing life has given me. It’s my base-camp, my stability, my shelter from life blows because only with my family I can be myself. I’ve always been faithful and I believe that a little bit of daydreaming will not hurt anyone as long as it’s only happening in my head. Moreover, because I know it might happen, I won’t be taken off guard, I’m always prepared to contain the damage while it’s still invisible. I'm very determined not to let phantasy and reality mingle.

Dropping the D-Bomb – is it in Your Marital Strategy?

I’m a man of my word. Well, it’s actually a woman, to be more precise, but the concept stays the same – I don’t say things I don’t intend to actually do. I don’t utilize empty threats. And I certainly don’t make promises I won’t be able to fulfill (or at least I add “I will try” so as to leave some room for legitimate failure). In 9 years of our marriage I never said “let’s get divorced”. A number of times I did get close to a point when I desperately wanted out. I would think to myself: if I stay in this relationship for another minute, I will lose my sanity. But I learned to ride out these moments of hitting the bottom. There is no such thing as permanent hopelessness – it’s in our nature to keep hoping, to look up and seek light, even if from the depth of a huge black hole that sucked us in momentarily. And it does get better – every storm ends sooner or later. And I don’t have to regret saying things I didn’t mean.

He drops the d-bomb with stoical regularity - I would think he should know better by this time. I admit there were moments especially at the beginning of our relationship when I BELIEVED HIM. I let despair grab hold of me – this is it! It’s the end! How can it be? I would send my mind on an endless marathon of questioning all the things I could still do to prevent the disaster from happening, to save our marriage. Alas, my brilliant marriage-saving strategies never got to be implemented because apparently he didn’t mean it. Of course his words meant to hurt me but not to be supported by the real action.

So getting a d-ultimatum is not life-threatening but obviously pretty annoying, especially if it becomes a habitual ritual of ending each and every fight. So I came up with a way to reverse things and turn black into white. I would silently accept his plea for divorce and even mentally give it to him. Hurray! I am a free woman now! Even if the fight is still happening, I turn my back on him and go about my business – why waste time on an 'ex'? I am a free woman now and there are things to do in my new free life. I can start off by celebrating my freedom for example. I should get myself a bottle of wine and toast to a life of eternally good mood since there will be no one to spoil it. Or I can indulge in some celebratory shopping. Let your imagination rule for a while, dream about all the wonderful things you can do now. Be relieved you are finally free!

It’s only a mental game but it has the much needed power to distract you, to pull you out from your misery (which by the way is as imaginary as your game is). Yet we always let our imagination take the negative route, instead of directing it along the positive path. And maybe if instead of finding ruins where the d-bomb was dropped, he discovers a new independent and flourishing woman, if instead of seeing you devastated he witnesses a positive transformation, he will opt to get rid of his heavy weapons due to their ineffectiveness.Not getting the reaction he wants should make him reconsider his "fighting methods".

Do not underestimate the power of mental games and self-persuasion! Help yourself be in control of your emotions. Act free, feel free, be free.

Are You Feeling Unappreciated in Your Marriage?

Even when everything is seemingly well in a long-term relationship or marriage, many partners frequently deal with a vague feeling of dissatisfaction, like something is missing from the picture but they simply cannot grasp what’s at the root of this discontent. It often takes an insignificant event such as a random compliment from a stranger, or playful flirtation from a coworker for it to suddenly hit you: I just felt better about myself than I did for years. Alas, it’s inevitable: taking or being taken for granted is a pretty natural part in the evolution of marriage. The longer you share your lives, the less you marvel at each gesture, comment, act or reaction coming from your partner. It’s both a plus and a minus – you learn to underreact if he or she offends you, whether intentionally or not; you ignore some annoying habits, and you definitely lower your expectations. But along with downplaying the negative comes this habitual unappreciation that can lead to serious consequences, adultery being one of them.

So why is it so painful to feel that you are taken for granted? Because our ego demands recognition, acknowledgment of everything we do and the value we bring to this world. Because we need something to justify our existence. Because we have this desperate need to feel good about ourselves, and when that doesn’t happen, we feel just the opposite and no one wants to deal with low self- esteem and the whole ‘i-am-a-loser’ label. When we are not appreciated at work, or by our kids, or (this is the worst) by our spouses, we are very inclined to stop trying. What’s the point?

Unappreciation in marriage happens in various forms: lack of attention to your looks (you are not attracted to me, you don’t even notice what I wear); your contribution to the family well-being or order (whether it is bringing home your paycheck, cooking or taking your kid to the kids birthday party which you never fail to leave without a headache); your personal qualities (compassion, showing support, good listening skills, adventurous nature or good sense of humor); your sacrifices (I don’t even remember the last time I had a girls-night-out…) And certainly we are all guilty of the same flaw. My husband often complains how no one values enough the long hours he puts at work to make sure our mortgage is paid or endless shopping he does so that our fridge is never empty. I appreciate it, it’s just that most of the time I forget that I do. I don’t voice my appreciation because I’m pretty sure he already knows. And maybe he does but he still needs to hear it. Just like I need to be assured out loud that I am a gorgeous talented perfect wife and mother, that I am the best … at least in his eyes.

It all comes down to mere gratitude. Saying thank you. Giving a praise. Making the other feel good even in little things. It makes me feel good when he compliments the dinner I made, or when he suddenly texts me the “i-miss-you” words in the middle of the day, or tells me I look pretty with my newly-invented hairdo. It gives me calm and confidence when out of the blue he would sigh, “I love you, I don’t know why but I do love you”. It pushes my doubts and disappointment to the level of non-importance.

I don’t like when days go by with him acting like he doesn’t notice me. I hate it when he doesn’t keep his promises, refuses to help me or eats the meal I spent so much time cooking in front of TV. I am hurt when he says I don’t raise our kid the right way. But most of all I suffer on days when he acts like “love is gone” and I am someone he is stuck with, someone he has to tolerate; then I have to chase away the thought that maybe it’s time to move on…

And I know he feels the same way: he needs my reassurance of love; he wants to know that he plays a big role in my life, that without him I’m all lost and helpless. He needs to know that he is the man, the rock, the protector. Because it encourages him to be strong, to love and protect. Too often we underestimate the huge value of showing appreciation and expressing gratitude, we are recklessly greedy with our thank-yous. But unless we work on making appreciation a ubiquitous component of our relationship, there is always a chance it will be sought (and maybe found) elsewhere.

For Better Or Worse

I can be a really awesome wife. Supportive, understanding, gentle, caring – you name it. It’s just that my experience shows that the harder I try, the less my efforts are noticed or appreciated. He thinks that’s the way I should be, that’s what is naturally expected of me and I should carry on playing the role of a perfect wife 24/7. And on my good-wife days he suddenly turns into a very flawed husband – mean, bossy and arrogant. And I become second class.

There are also periods of time when I seriously suck. Not even as a wife, as a person in general. I make zero efforts to curtail my temper, I let my emotions take over and control what I say: I’m annoyed with everyone and everything and I make sure that everyone and everything “get” it. I probably exaggerated just now: I’m not that bad, just human. So I say or do something under the influence of the moment and then feel terribly sorry. But all of a sudden he treats me differently: he actually treats me better when I am worse. He has more patience and forgiveness in him as if to compensate for my temporary inability to be sensible and fair.

So we frequently trade parts: when I give up trying – he tries double hard; when I "invest" into improving our relationship – he alienates himself and increases the distance. How do we get off this seesaw and return to a fair union where both are trying and both are appreciative of the other’s efforts and sacrifices?