Does Your Husband Define You?

 

You ever thought that with a different husband it would be a different YOU? Your true personality would shine brightly and you would be all the things you ever wanted to be? I go as far as visualizing that different me alongside that perfect husband I should have had. I would talk more, especially about the inner struggles that plague me, my doubts and insecurities - because he could help me find the way out of the dark. Even if just by listening. I would take salsa classes because he would be more than willing to be my partner. And then we would dance winter Saturdays away since we now knew how, sweating it out in a tight embrace among other indulging couples. We would fall asleep holding hands (and certainly not in different bedrooms on the opposite ends of the house).  Our relationship would be completely effortless. I would be calmer, more confident, more self-loving and more whole.

But then I also hear and read stories of women who in spite of having amazing supportive husbands, fail to maintain their "center" and tumble down the self-destruction slope. Some of them are unable to withstand another treacherous attack of depression and instead of seeking help, give up trying. Others succumb to the enticement of extramarital flings, and get tangled in the web of infidelities and lies. I know women who neglect their appearance - gain weight, opt for a plain unsuitable haircut just because it's more convenient, never get out of sweatpants and baggie shirts. And then you meet her terrific husband and can't help thinking "he could do better". But maybe he did better, it's just that without the need to win him over and over, she relaxed and lost touch with her better self, allowing the routine get the best of her.

What I'm trying to say is that relationships define who we are but it's up to us to decide which direction this defining process should take. Each one of us is a complex, multi-dimensional being and certain circumsances and people in our life bring to surface this or that side of us. So maybe with a different husband it could be a different YOU, but even with your husband, however imperfect he is, it could still be a different, better you.

My husband is a man of shifting moods. One day he is loving and sweet, the next - he is mean up to the point of cruel. My perception of myself used to shift with his mood switches: on good days I felt loveable and worthy; on bad - I was so disgusted with myself I wanted to disappear. And one day I just got tired of this splitting effect of his splitting personality. My frail emotional system could only deal with one type of me and it was time to decide which one it should be. I visualized that amazing woman I could have become with a different husband, where only the best of my qualities would find way to the surface. And that's the image I've been sticking with ever since.

A few weeks ago, during one of his "nasty days", he said "be damned the day I met you". I should have been hurt to the core but I wasn't. I should have descended to the bottom of the darkest well of self-hatred because my own husband hated me so much but I stayed calm. I knew who I was and no hurtful words of his could shatter that image. I just let him fight his own demons. For the next 2 weeks, consumed by guilt and regrets, he was all over me, showering me with extra attention and love.

When working on this post I initially thought I would write "don't let your partner define you". But this is wrong because in a relationship changes and shifts in your personality are inevitable. Yet you get to control the ways he defines you. I could have become insecure, suppressed and miserable because of my husband. I became strong, resilient and self-loving in spite of him. And when things are good between us, I can sense his gratitude for turning out exactly this way, not the weakling he pressed me to become.

So maybe you weren't destined to shine as a wife of the most amazing man alive. But you can still shine! Define the better you and be it now. Merry Christmas and a Happy Blissful New Year of 2013!