You ever
thought why of all the candidates we end up marrying this particular person? Is it
the law of attraction at work? Or the punishing power of karma? If I look 10
years back, I see what I was when I met my future husband. Scared, insecure,
weak, needy and worst of all absolutely
unbearably lonely. It couldn't have gone any other way. He came -
strong, manly, fearless - scooped me up, took me under his wing and shielded me
from the world. Even with some obvious incompatibilities and many differences - cultural, behavioral,
intellectual - I was willing to move ahead with his strong current, the voice
of reasoning too weak against my desperate desire to be protected.
Little did I
know that his powerful, dominating personality will imprison me in a narrow
cell of his limitations. That before I met him it was me against the world, and
now it's me against him AND the world. That when I was by myself I was surviving, but
with him I started disappearing.
So the
bitter battle began to preserve my identity and free will. To fight his every
"no", his irrational control
and jealousy, his pull-push attitude where one day he would be all loving and
needy, and the next - distant and despising. But worst of all was his impact on
my emotional state: all the doubts and insecurities that emerged within me due
to a randomly thrown comment or a straightforward insult. When I think about
our first few years together, I feel utterly sorry for myself: he kept bending
me in every way he wished and all I could do was cry helplessly and wait for a
change in his mood to give me a break.
But this is
not a story about my husband, he is not a bad man and he has to deal with his
own demons. This is my story. Without summoning my own inner strength and
cultivating self-love and self-respect, I would always be at someone's mercy -
striving to please in return for approval, love, protection. If I don't know my
worth and who I am, everyone will mold me to their liking. I realized that it
was not about changing my husband, or finding ways to peacefully co-exist with
him, or proving him the point. It was about instilling into my every cell the
notion that I AM ENOUGH, that I'm everything I'm meant to be.
The past few
years I worked hard to fix what was broken. But not in our relationship -
inside of me. It was a slow process and I would rebound to my old ways of
thinking now and then, but I was definitely changing. It started one day when I
decided not to be mad at him when he deliberately tried to hurt me. I kept
saying, "that's his problems and they have nothing to do with me, I know
my worth". Soon enough his words or actions barely bothered me, I was
ready to forget and move on within minutes. In the evening he would act all
guilty, studying my reaction and then I would remember we had a fight in the
morning. But being upset with him seemed too insignificant to concern myself
with it.
Today I'm
strong enough to say that the only person I will entrust with my happiness is
me. I allow him to add to that happiness if he wishes, but not to subtract.
Back in my single days there were other men, possibly better men, more
compatible with my personality and expectations. But they scared me so much
because I thought in panic - how could I ever stand up to their amasingness? I
picked who I thought I deserved, who was my match at that point. Today it
would have been a different story.
If you are struggling
in your relationship, rather than digging up all the things that are wrong with
your partner, look for answers within and see what brought this person to your
life in the first place. What gaps were you trying to close? What insecurities
to cover up? We often think that we need another person to feel whole, to
supplement what we are lacking but we forget that we possess everything we need
to navigate through life with or without a partner. I stopped asking myself -
why him? Through my husband I've learned many lessons about myself and uncovered
many of my own limitations. These days I
only allow him to love me. The minute he tries to control, upset or frighten
me, I lose interest and retreat into my own happy world. When he opts for his
mean ways, he is not compatible with me
so I simply shut him out. These days he has to play by my rules, which is
really just one rule called LOVE.