If you have an extremely possessive and jealous husband, such as I do, sooner or later you will realize the impact of his possessiveness on your way of thinking and your whole lifestyle. It will change you no matter how hard you resist and try to be who you are. It’s like bending a tree till it breaks – he will be pushing his agenda on you till you give up, because giving up is always easier.
I went to a bowling event the other night: it was organized by the CEO of our company and showing up was mandatory. Jonathan had no choice but to give me a green light since it was work-related. I had such a good time, in fact it made me realize that I’ve been lacking this kind of fun for so long. It’s kind of pathetic though that I was having a blast with no friends or family around – just some people from work who I barely communicate with under regular circumstances. But that's the reality I live in: Jonathan is not too fond of me hanging out with friends and going out; he'd rather see me home every night, bored but within his sight.
He’s been trying to box me in ever since we moved in together. He wanted to be in control of every little aspect of my life from what I wear to who I talk to. I understand that his own insecurities and fear of losing me are at the root of the problem, however knowing it gives me little help when justifying his often irrational actions and reactions. He is not the owner of me or my life – that’s how much I know!
It’s not like I’ve been living blind-folded for all this time and then suddenly realized that I am not a huge fan of his controlling behavior. I knew it from the start but somehow I believed that it’s not a big deal, I could live with it, moreover I could make him change, teach him to trust me unconditionally. And he did soften up and accepted some things that used to spark a lot of protest awhile back. But those are just small victories – yet there are numerous battles ahead. A freedom-loving person that chooses to submit for the sake of maintaining peace and harmony in the family can never be truly happy. Living against your nature for too long will inevitably lead to rebellion. That’s how it gets nasty – when you explode with all the rage that has been silently accumulating inside.
Don’t let things escalate into a crisis: armored with patience, you can actually make little steps of progress on a daily basis. Don’t argue but explain why certain things he is against are so important to you. Tell him that when he is understanding and agreeable, it makes you so happy you are together – you only wish he was that way more often. Try not to do something against his will or in spite of his ban: it’s important to get his approval even if it means wearing him off day after day with reasons and pleas. Express the heartiest gratitude once you get a “yes” so that next time he is less reluctant to stand a siege for too long. Fighting for your choices is important otherwise he will keep you underfoot and you will have little say in the family. But doing so with wisdom and patience rather than scandals and threats will get you better results and won’t break your family apart.
Posted by Layla Monday, March 8, 2010
Labels: when being married hurts