Trivial Issues in Marriage with Serious Consequences

I often feel like in my marriage I gravitate between two opposite poles. One is when things are really good between us, but we seem to be pulled in that direction less and less frequently. The other is when our relationship is a complete disaster and nothing makes sense. Like I said, I barely reach the “coast of happiness” any more, and getting to the wrong side makes me so utterly depressed and miserable, that I try to get away from it as fast as possible and stay in neutral waters, where things are neither good, nor bad, they just are. Unfortunately, lately even staying in the neutral zone has been so much work. Our communication reminds me of playing the Minesweeper: no matter how slowly you move or how well you calculate every step, you are bound to hit the mine and all the previously done work is blown off, and you have to start over. 

I’m not sure I even possess the right level of diplomacy to communicate my point without sounding offensive. He’s been offended by the smallest remarks latterly (since when did he learn to be so sensitive, used to be my thing) and I constantly feel like I’m walking on eggshells. 

So here's our seemingly trivial issue - his obsession with shopping, which is driving me crazy. I try to under-react when he buys more shirts or pairs of socks than he could possibly wear, but I totally lose it when he brings home 10 shopping bags full of stuff for the kitchen. I hate clutter and fight with it relentlessly. And considering kitchen my kingdom, I hate seeing it cluttered with stuff we never use. Yesterday I exploded when he bought another veggie grater for me – because it’s the 4^th grater he has got this year. And four graters take up half the shelf in my kitchen cabinet. But when I asked why would I need yet another grater, his response is - to replace the old one. And that’s what pisses me off, I love my old grater! (since when 1 year is considered "old" for a stainless steel item like that?) I am used to my kitchen utensils, and pans, and dishware and I don’t need them replaced until they are fully worn out or damaged.

I also hate when stuff piles up and takes up all the space in the cabinets, so occasionally I undertake the task of decluttering. I take all the items we don’t use, put them in a box and give it to him to discard or donate only to find the same items mysteriously lurking again in the far corners of the shelve I cleared out just yesterday. Now that is truly a mad-stuff disease: new stuff comes in and old stuff doesn’t come out. And if only those were the things that we needed: for some reason his focus is on a specific group of things (pans, silverware, dishes), whereas there are items for the house that were on our to-get list for years.

The problem is we see it differently. What is cluttering to me, he perceives as “buying things for the home”. So I come out as a bitch, complaining about my saint of a husband who works so hard to make our kitchen a better place. I tried to go nice about it, thank him for “the wonderful purchases” and hint that maybe we are good for now only to be presented with a new set of pans a couple of weeks later. I tried to be honest and bring up the issue of clutter but he would get offended and won’t talk to me for days because I don’t appreciate his efforts. I tried to divert his attention to other areas, such as a hole in the ceiling from a leaking pipe that has been covered with cardboard for 1.5 years now. But the issue remains, and so does the ceiling hole. And of course he refuses to acknowledge that his shopping spree takes place on days when he is especially stressed out at work and finds his refuge at the local Kohl’s store. 

I try to stay calm and tell myself that at least he doesn’t go to Atlantic City or a fancy electronics store to seek a few hours of oblivion (and part with a few hundred if not thousand dollars). I just hate to see my favorite kitchenware gone, replaced with new alien items that take getting used to. And since I’m the one who does all the cooking, I see it as intrusion into my sacred realm. It’s just one example of gaps in our communication, when no matter how I approach it, he doesn't get my point. So at the end of the day I’m always the bad guy unless I thank him profusely for yet another grater added to my expansive collection… Should I consider turning them into lanterns like in that photo I found?