Does Your Husband Define You?

 

You ever thought that with a different husband it would be a different YOU? Your true personality would shine brightly and you would be all the things you ever wanted to be? I go as far as visualizing that different me alongside that perfect husband I should have had. I would talk more, especially about the inner struggles that plague me, my doubts and insecurities - because he could help me find the way out of the dark. Even if just by listening. I would take salsa classes because he would be more than willing to be my partner. And then we would dance winter Saturdays away since we now knew how, sweating it out in a tight embrace among other indulging couples. We would fall asleep holding hands (and certainly not in different bedrooms on the opposite ends of the house).  Our relationship would be completely effortless. I would be calmer, more confident, more self-loving and more whole.

But then I also hear and read stories of women who in spite of having amazing supportive husbands, fail to maintain their "center" and tumble down the self-destruction slope. Some of them are unable to withstand another treacherous attack of depression and instead of seeking help, give up trying. Others succumb to the enticement of extramarital flings, and get tangled in the web of infidelities and lies. I know women who neglect their appearance - gain weight, opt for a plain unsuitable haircut just because it's more convenient, never get out of sweatpants and baggie shirts. And then you meet her terrific husband and can't help thinking "he could do better". But maybe he did better, it's just that without the need to win him over and over, she relaxed and lost touch with her better self, allowing the routine get the best of her.

What I'm trying to say is that relationships define who we are but it's up to us to decide which direction this defining process should take. Each one of us is a complex, multi-dimensional being and certain circumsances and people in our life bring to surface this or that side of us. So maybe with a different husband it could be a different YOU, but even with your husband, however imperfect he is, it could still be a different, better you.

My husband is a man of shifting moods. One day he is loving and sweet, the next - he is mean up to the point of cruel. My perception of myself used to shift with his mood switches: on good days I felt loveable and worthy; on bad - I was so disgusted with myself I wanted to disappear. And one day I just got tired of this splitting effect of his splitting personality. My frail emotional system could only deal with one type of me and it was time to decide which one it should be. I visualized that amazing woman I could have become with a different husband, where only the best of my qualities would find way to the surface. And that's the image I've been sticking with ever since.

A few weeks ago, during one of his "nasty days", he said "be damned the day I met you". I should have been hurt to the core but I wasn't. I should have descended to the bottom of the darkest well of self-hatred because my own husband hated me so much but I stayed calm. I knew who I was and no hurtful words of his could shatter that image. I just let him fight his own demons. For the next 2 weeks, consumed by guilt and regrets, he was all over me, showering me with extra attention and love.

When working on this post I initially thought I would write "don't let your partner define you". But this is wrong because in a relationship changes and shifts in your personality are inevitable. Yet you get to control the ways he defines you. I could have become insecure, suppressed and miserable because of my husband. I became strong, resilient and self-loving in spite of him. And when things are good between us, I can sense his gratitude for turning out exactly this way, not the weakling he pressed me to become.

So maybe you weren't destined to shine as a wife of the most amazing man alive. But you can still shine! Define the better you and be it now. Merry Christmas and a Happy Blissful New Year of 2013!

What To Do When Your Husband Doesn't Want You To Go Out

I've written before about living with a controlling husband, however a recent comment from one of the readers inspired me to look deeper into a specific problem: your husband is against your going out. So I put together sort of a "survival guide" with some steps you should take to mitigate the inevitable conflict.

Mind, I'm not going to address how unjustified his reactions are, we all get it. The way I look at it, living with a control freak is like living with a child with behavioral issues: he can't help it, every time you go out he has to throw a tantrum because he fears he is losing control. No need to get mad, judge or fight him. You can feel sorry for him but you gotta do what you gotta do. Unfortunately, you can't help him deal with his emotions, your main responsibility is to protect yourself, your life and your emotional well-being from the destructive influence of his manipulative ways. So here's what you can do to make it easier for YOURSELF:

BEFORE

Telling him you are going out requires certain wisdom. If you ask for his permission he is likely to say no. If you simply deliver the news as a statement, he will get mad you didn't ask for his permission. So what works for me is a combination of both. "Honey, I made plans to go out with my girlfriends this Saturday night (statement), I hope you don't mind (sort of asking for permission)". It's important to mention that you've already made the arrangements, so it's no longer between you and him (manipulators strive in one-on-one battles), but there are other people involved who already expect you to show up and not doing so will be suspicious or require an explanation.

If he strongly objects to it, you need to give him a valid reason why you are still going. Keep in mind that obvious reasons that work for normal people, won't work for him (you want to have some fun, you miss your family, you don't feel part of the team if you never go to a happy hour with co-workers, etc.) What he needs is a SUPER-reason, the one he won't be able to counter-argue with. For example, when he is against my girls-night-out, I say that I've been so stressed out lately, that if I don't go out and get some distraction, I will have a nervous breakdown and he will have to find me a psychiatrist/shrink/mental institution. Works every time! He doesn't want that kind of responsibility.

If he doesn't want you to go to a family gathering, tell him you already promised your mom and you can't stand to upset her. If it means that much to him, HE should then call your mom and explain why you are not going. The prospect of doing it will terrify him enough to back down. Manipulators prefer to stay on good terms with the rest of the world, it's only with you, desperate for control, they are not afraid to lose face. Besides, they usually use guilt to make you change your mind but in this case you throw the ball in his court and the decision is his to make.

DURING:

So you are going and he even gave his half-hearted yes to the outing. But now he wants you back home at 10pm even though the party starts at 9.... He will instruct you not to consume any alcohol and will find a million reasons why the outfit you're wearing is inappropriate. In other words agreeing to you going out doesn't mean he won't try to still ruin it for you. Like a kid who throws a tantrum when mom goes to work, even though he promised to be a good boy. So ideally, if you want to have a good time, you need to mentally "divorce" your husband as you close the door behind you, turn off your cell phone and enjoy the night. You will deal with the consequences later.

If you feel like this tough love is too tough for him, leave the phone on, but don't pick it up as he starts to frantically call you. Send him one vague text message "everything is fine, we'll be home soon" somewhere in the middle of the night, then bury the phone deep in your purse and give your full attention to the party.  If you go back and forth texting each other or fighting over the phone you might as well have stayed at home. Remember, you are "divorced" for the night, and don't let your "ex" ruin your evening. He's gonna give you a hard time the next day no matter what, so which one you pick - to enjoy the party and then have a fight or not to enjoy the party and still have a fight?  But to make it easier turning off your phone is highly recommended.

AFTER:

The key is to act as normal as possible, the minute he senses a hint of guilt you are doomed to lose in the upcoming argument. Don't try to be extra nice or appease him with a super-fancy breakfast. Remember, you did nothing wrong and it's him who is having a problem. (Ideally, he should be the one serving you breakfast in bed for making you deal with his problems.) The party was yesterday and you've already moved on to today, so busy yourself with the matters of today. I used to make a mistake of giving him the details of the event: who came, what and how much we drank, what time it ended. It gave him lots of reasons to blame me - for hanging out with the wrong people, drinking too much, staying out too late. Now I stay as evasive as possible, providing minimum information and emphasizing that I don't care about it as much as he does. How was the party? - it was ok. - Who was there? - a few people. - What were you doing? - eating. - How much you drank? - not much. - How late you got home? - not sure. He simply won't be able to build up a conversation based on your 2-word answers and the argument will extinguish itself as it barely starts.

These are some of my strategies, they might not work for you but I hope they will at least inspire you to look for your own solutions. Just remember, the key objective of any manipulator is to make you think about a situation, to put you in a state of introversion until you start feeling guilty however irrational it seems. He will blow it out of proportion and make it difficult for you, so that next time you think twice before going out again. He is trying to make it big - you  should make it smaller. "I went out last night, what's the problem again?" He wants you thinking about it, he wants you mad  because that's how he felt last night when you were gone. Show him you've already moved on and it's him who's still stuck. "I'm sorry I can't talk about it now, I have to do laundry and go food shopping". And most importantly, resist the temptation to think and worry about it before, during and after you went out. It's not him who is ruining your life because he has a control problem, it's you who let's him put you into this thinking mode. So get distracted, command yourself not to think about it, not to feel mad and eventually you will make the problem non-existent, just like it should be.

Should You Forgive Cheating?

 

I'm not that into celebrity love scandals but Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart happen to be one of my favorite couples. They just compare too well to shallow, spoiled, materialistic and self-obsessed stars that are not worthy the media attention. Robert is very smart, witty and down to earth and Kristen... she's just so complex and enigmatic ( my opinion people, no need agree).

So when the photos surfaced of them being together again after the cheating scandal I felt strangely relieved. Because in spite of all the things that people wanted and expected them to do, they were able to distance themselves from all the noise and listen to their hearts. Have any of those "well-wishers" that poured dirt on poor Kristen noticed how much weight she'd lost after the scandal? Or how lost Robert looked in his post-breakup interviews? And how they can't keep their hands off each other in the recent photos as if they are afraid to let go?

If it's you who were betrayed, you are standing at the crossroads, and everybody around tells you to condemn the cheater for life - stop listening! People share your sad facts but not your feelings. They have no idea how much it hurts, this pain of not being together anymore, like the big part of you has been torn and you are bleeding. There's no tranquilizer to numb this pain and no revenge will ease your suffering. And deep inside you know that the only way to stop this agony that's eating you alive is to forgive. Oh, people will judge for sure, but sooner or later they will move on. And you will stay with that one person you can't live without. You will put the betrayal behind you until it becomes just a distant memory. But there's one thing you've learned - not to take anything for granted anymore. Because true love turns from a blessing to curse only when it's taken away from you.

I'm not talking about serial cheaters. Nor should you forgive a spouse who is cheating because he no longer loves and respects you. I'm talking about someone who is still in love but they make a mistake just because they are a weak human being and they've succumbed to a temptation that promised heaven but delivered hell. The kind of misstep when you look back and ask yourself what was I thinking?

So Rob and Kristen, and other couples in a similar position, will learn their lesson. They will realize the consequences of jeopardizing their relationship due to a fleeting temptation. But they will also come out stronger, more protective of their feelings, having experienced firsthand how much there is to lose. They will celebrate every precious minute of being together after those tormenting days of being apart. So just like them,  I would choose forgiveness and second chances over living an empty life, full of loneliness, mistrust and bitter regrets.

How to Have a Better Husband

 

As I was reading the "Marriage" chapter of the new book by Gretchen Rubin Happier at Home (highly recommended by the way), I learned about the Michelangelo effect and the role it can play in a relationship. Here's a quote from the book:

Studies show that happy couples are much more likely to idealize each other, and by holding those positive perceptions, they help each other live up to them. In what's called the "Michelangelo effect" (because Michelangelo created beautiful figures out of marble blocks), when romantic partners expect the best in each other, they help each other attain those ideals.

So in a way we make our spouse what he is, like a sculptor can carve flawless lines out of shapeless materials. It's true, you cannot change your spouse by altering his innate temperament or erasing years of upbringing and his family's influence. But to a degree we have the power to bring out the best in him. For example if you constantly thank him for being a good listener, say how much it helps you to have him to support you, that no one understands you like he does it encourages him to listen even in moments when he'd rather not. It's manipulation in a good way because most of us appreciate this disguised push that lands us on a higher pedestal.  We like being a good person, feeling like a good person and getting appreciated as a good person. No one wants to be the bad guy that some husbands believe their wives make them into.

I noticed that if my husband doesn't do something I really want him to, no amount of nagging, forcing, sarcastic remarks or pure yelling will make him do it. It's like some weird stubbornness comes into play where I can see that he knows he needs to do it, he feels bad about not doing it, but he still wouldn't simply because I forced him. But if I say calmly how nice it always feels when he does it, how much it means to me, how generous of him it would be to sacrifice his time/money to do what he doesn't really want to, all of a sudden he is no longer against it. For example if he can't make it to our son's karate tournament, I am very tempted to say that he is a bad father and his work is more important that his kid. But instead I say how much his support means and how our son seems to perform better when his dad is there to cheer for him, it immediately boosts his ego and he is ready to come. I place a label "good father" within an arm's reach and all he needs to do is just claim it.

It's why we all find the realization of being loved to be so intoxicating, especially at the beginning of a relationship. It's the very feeling that suddenly makes us so precious in our own eyes, so beautiful, so desired. And when you are treated like a goddess, you begin talking and acting like one. So stop proving to your husband that he is a lazy irresponsible jerk. Start treating him as a strong, protective, romantic and caring gentleman and watch him turn into one.

I Don't Need That

Your true nature provides the motive for creating the life you really want.
--Martha Beck, Finding Your Way in a Wild New World

We are standing in line at Six Flags and I'm trying to persuade my husband to go with us on this ride, which looks pretty modest compared to some of the crazier rollercoasters.  Kids as young as 4 are not afraid to go, I say, and we drove so far, and paid these high admission fees. Exasperated by my insistence, he finally yells out, "I don't need that!" Mortified that I just got yelled at in public by my own husband, which never happened before, I also feel guilt. Why did I keep pressing him if he clearly didn't want to go? As much as I was convinced that he would enjoy himself and thank me in the end, the choice was clearly his to make.

Feeling ashamed that he raised his voice, he did get on the ride. The worst part is that the ride was actually pretty scary, I couldn't wait to get off. And judging by his face when it was over, he felt the same way, which only intensified my guilt. I had no right to push him. But the more I think about it, the more I realize how much he is shielding himself from life with the simple phrase "I don't need that". You wanna go to the beach? - I don't need that. - Can we go on vacation? -  I don't need that. - Will you take our son to the movies? -  I don't need that. The only thing he needs is to come from work and glue himself to the TV. Work, TV, work, TV, work, TV - 365 days a year and he is content. Though occasionally he does complain how tired he is from this "dog's life" with no fun in it. To which I just roll my eyes because if I start suggesting the options that could add some variety to it, I will hear the usual "I don't need that".

It's sad because when I apply enough pressure and manage to pull him out of his routine, he appreciates it. After the Cirque du Soleil performance he exclaims in excitement that we should go more often. During our vacation in Cancun he keeps saying that we should look into booking the next vacation right after we come back from this one. And on a rare occasion that we eat out, he says that we will do it once a week from now on. But the minute he is back to his work-TV routine, his enthusiasm wanes and any suggestion of doing something for fun is immediately rejected.

I'm afraid I've exhausted my pushing power. His an adult who is perfectly capable of making his own decisions. I cannot live his life for him. And if the decision is to miss out on life in favor of the work-TV-sleep circle, I should probably respect that. But I don't. Because where does the family fit in?

I know he will have very few good memories. Thinking about the endless TV shows he has watched is unlikely to warm up his heart when he gets old. But if I can't tell him how to live his life, it doesn't mean I should stop living mine. I need these good memories of a great time and I want to ensure that our son has them too. The time spent together as a family exploring life outside our house. We go everywhere we can, the two of us, we talk about what we see and that's how we bond. Me and my son. And neither of us will look back disappointed, because we needed it so much - the adventure, the new experiences, the fun time - so we went and we did it all.

Are You Married to Tom Cruise?

With all the media coverage of Katie's escape from the tight grip of her controlling husband Tom Cruise, we can't help but wonder how much truth there is to the story. Here's a great article about The Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes Syndrome with real life examples of people's life changing drastically after leaving their dominating spouse or parent.

I know quite a few women that are married to a control freak. For one thing I happen to be one of the unfortunate ladies. My husband is an absolute manipulator and I wrote about it a while back in my blog post Living with a Controlling Husband, that got the highest number of clicks. So apparently it's a hot topic these days.

But here's why I disagree that leaving is the best solution (though, like many of Katie's supporters, I think it's a very brave act). There aren't that many "easy" husbands out there, definitely not enough for all of us. Katie Holmes is still young, beautiful, rich and famous, she will have no trouble finding her ex a replacement. But if all women are encouraged to walk away from their marriage just to break free from controlling ways of their husbands, there will be a lot of single ladies out there.

So basically there are three options: surrender entirely and become the model obedient wife to appease his domineering nature; break up and be free (and possibly completely lonely); learn to get your way and maintain the balance in your relationship through patience and wisdom.

If you decide to walk away, I applaud your courage because you will have to go through a tough battle, he is not the kind of man to allow for an easy exit. If you decide to submit to his will, I pity you because it will never be enough for him and he will always find more ways to make you feel guilty for minor things  - you simply cannot foresee everything. Besides, he is very likely to despise you for the same obedience he was pushing for; or he will consider his job done and lose interest.

At some point I pondered upon and rejected those two possibilities: I couldn't leave for a number of reasons and I couldn't fully surrender because if something, I am the opposite of submissive and have a rather strong will myself. This meant that I was sticking with our marriage and the constant fighting, resulting from the daily clash of the two strong individuals, that couldn't comfortably share the tight marital space.

But here's what I've learned over the past 10 years. If something is really important to you and you have the courage to insist and wisdom to do it the right way, you can win over. I've had my share of small and big victories from the right to wear the clothes I (not him) liked, to the people I spent time with, to going to work (which he initially was against of), to giving our son the name of my choice. You don't win every time and there are sacrifices to make. Just choose carefully where it's okay for you to lose and make a big deal out of succumbing to his way, implying that "now he owes you".

Also, there's shared space, but then there's private space, which he can never get his hands on, no matter how much he would like that. Your thoughts, your dreams, things you say to people when he is not around, secrets that you have not to spite him, but to protect your marriage from his inadequate reactions. I make good use of my personal space. I write this and other blogs he knows nothing about. At work I am not the person he is used to seeing at home (note: never work with your husband, a past mistake I've learned from). He owns (let him believe he does) only a fraction of me, but there are so many other sides of me he doesn't need to know about.

In our complicated relationship it goes like this: if I push too hard, he has no choice but to step back. And he does the same. So the winner's trophy is constantly exchanging hands. But then things settle and, regardless the winner, become the issue of the past. We are not changing our son's name, and the question of me going to work has been closed in my favor. The longer we live together, the fewer the issues remain for us to fight about.

And my last point is that in a way I am grateful to my husband for everything I've learned through his difficult personality. I've learned to be persistent and strong, but also diplomatic and generous. I now appreciate many things I've taken for granted in the past so in a way he taught me gratitude. And the main thing I've discovered is that true freedom is only within, and if you don't find that, then till the rest of your days you will keep blaming your bad husband, the unfortunate circumstances  or find other excuses rather than claim what's always been there inside of you. So be free and be happy, everything else is just gaining life experience to make you stronger and wiser .

Is Your Marriage Fireproof?

After complaining to my sister about our everyday small but consistent  arguments, she recommended watching the movie Fireproof. I usually make a mental note when someone recommends me a nice movie or a book, but somehow never get to actually check them out. But a week a after our conversation I happened to have time and a strong craving for anything inspirational and preferably relationship-related. So I watched Fireproof - and WOW! This movie got me into so much thinking and inspired to take a fresh look at our marriage and my role in it. Now I truly believe that Fireproof should be on top of the Movies About Marriage List, and a definite must-watch for couples on the verge of divorce.

Basically, the plot is pretty simple: a once happy, but now constantly fighting couple is surely heading in the direction of a split. Caleb's (the husband) dad interferes and suggests an experiment that can help save their marriage, and even if it doesn't, it least Caleb can live guilt-free because he tried. All he has to do is follow a plan given to him by his dad, which "prescribes" a specific action for each of the following 40 days. For example, day 1 - you can't say anything bad to your wife, day 2 - you have to tell her at least one nice thing, day 3 - you have to do something special for her, etc. Obviously it starts from the easiest and progresses to the hardest.

What appealed to me in this movie is how much I could relate - first to their arguments, where both the spouses seemed to have their point, but wouldn't hear each other, so it was hard to say who was more right or more wrong. Second, to how painful it can be to try day after day but get no reaction. Third, to how sooner or later if you put your heart in it and don't give up, your spouse has no choice but to respond to your efforts.

The most important point for me in the whole movie was that as Caleb thought he was working on changing his wife, he in fact was undergoing the change himself and at the end of the 40-day experiment he was a new person. He also saw all his flaws in the way he was treating his wife, in his unrealistic expectations , in how he was demanding respect without earning it. This is not a movie about how to change your partner,  it's about becoming a better partner which in its turn will bring all the desirable changes to your family.

If you want to fireproof your marriage, that is definitely a movie to watch and learn some lessons from. I hope you will get inspired as much as I did!