Every married woman at some point faces a temptation of being attracted to another man. It can be a small meaningless crash such as simply admiring the beautiful appearance of a model-like coworker, or it can be a serious passion-obsession, which results in an affair and might ultimately lead to divorce. Some women, especially at the beginning of their marriage, will feel indignant at the idea that they, just like men, might give in to temptations and be unfaithful at a certain point. The chance that it will happen though is rather high, not as high as when it comes to the number of husbands cheating, but still…. There is always a possibility. We are all human after all with our weaknesses and flaws. But it’s important to remember the saying “forewarned is forearmed”, if you accept that there’s a chance it might happen – you won’t be taken by surprise and will be able to think and analyze the situation, rather than feel paralyzed by the whole “I-can’t-believe-this-is-happening” thought.
So here’s a possible plot: you’ve been happily married for the n number of years, things are not as hot and romantic as they used to be, but you get along well, taking for granted occasional boredom and lack of crazy emotions. In the end marriage shouldn’t be like a roller coaster – it’s more of a serene port that provides comfort and stability. You have very strong ties by now but are likely close friends more than passionate lovers. Then one day at work you have a small talk with a very attractive coworker of the opposite sex and you are surprised how good it feels – your conversation lasted just a couple of minutes, but you are suddenly filled with warmth and incomprehensible excitement. Things start happening quickly – even though they are mostly happening in your head. You suddenly care more what you wear to work. You begin to have fantasy dreams, and even when you are awake your imagination takes you to almost forbidden places. You feel tormented trying to interpret any signs or words because they might help make it clear if you are liked back. At some point you are no longer sure what’s real, what’s imagined.
This kind of changes that are suddenly happening to you do not necessarily affect your marriage in a negative way. In fact if the whole romance is happening in your head, it might be beneficial to your relationship – you look better, feel happier and more feminine, and the mysteriously pensive look on your face may seem very attractive to your husband. So I would call this form of “mental cheating” a rather healthy and probably natural thing.
But once you cross the line and let things get too far, feelings will inevitably get hurt. Starting an affair will mean having a dual life - and it can exhaust anyone; a crazy range of emotions from passion to guilt, from love to self-hatred are likely to leave you burned-out once the affair is over. You can destroy your marriage and there’s no guarantee you will be able to replace it with the new relationship that started as a work romance. You probably idealized your coworker in many ways, a lot of his features were imagined by you in the attempt to escape your marital routine.
It’s essential to stick to your wisdom and common sense, and not let the emotions take over. Be prepared that one day you may suddenly feel attracted to another man – your coworker, a family friend or a stranger you met at a coffee shop. Be prepared to look at the situation from the outside, as if it’s happening to someone else, and assess the consequences of your actions. Try to project into the future – do you see yourself with this person? Is it worth destroying your marriage and breaking your husband’s heart? Don’t forget that when we don’t know someone that well, we tend to fill the gaps in knowledge using our imagination, which distorts our perception. This man that you suddenly worship may not be that perfect after all and eventually you’ll get to uncover a lot of his imperfections whereas you are well aware and used to the ones your husband has. So next time you feel like you are developing a crush on some good-looking guy – don’t panic: you can allow yourself some indulgence, as long as the whole romance game is played in your head and no one’s feelings are hurt.
Temptations of a Married Woman
Do We Make Them Cheat?
An interesting thing: if you go to Google and type “what percentage”, you will instantly be offered a few choices, the first of which is “men cheat”. And you get some very upsetting statistics: 50-70% of married men in America have cheated or will cheat on their wives. But putting the customary “because that’s what men are” aside, let’s look at the problem from a different angle. Is it possible that wives’ behavior is the root cause of the infidelity? Could we take some of the blame and, what’s more important, can we do something to prevent their possible cheating? And I am not talking about checking their cell phone messages or spying on them in any other way. I am talking about becoming better wives so that our husbands repel the idea of being with another woman.
How many of us are actually guilty of the following:
1. Neglecting to spend time with your husband once you have kids because of the tremendous shift of your focus. Not that I am suggesting to neglect the kids and pay your entire attention to the husband, but a common mistake many wives make is devoting all the love and energy to the kids, being convinced that “he will understand” because “kids need me more right now”. He SHOULD understand, but he doesn’t. He feels more like an outcast in his own house. Motherhood is challenging and exhausting and you need his support, but so does he. If you say that your baby takes all of your time, imagine for a second that you have two babies (3,4,5, etc. – the “+1”concept). If you had one more baby you would somehow find the time for him. So treat your husband as that “+1” and if necessary repeat the mantra “he won’t survive without me” on a regular basis.
2. Neglecting your looks once you get married. Being a wife should not stop you from being a Woman. We do our best to look nice when we get ready for work, but once we are home we can relax: smudged makeup, old stained t-shirt, ugly sweat pants. Remember how you used to look when you were just dating? Always making sure to wash your hair and shave your legs… It should not be any different now, because otherwise he will start paying attention to women who don’t fail to neglect their appearance. You should wear comfortable tidy good-looking clothes when at home. Just imagine that George Clooney (or whoever you choose to imagine) may suddenly appear at your doorstep – will you pass the “I am not ashamed of my looks” test?
3. Neglecting to listen when he talks. Maybe he doesn’t have the most exciting job in the world, and you couldn’t care less about the details of his 5-hour long meeting. Put an effort. Be that person he confides to. Make him feel confident that he can always turn to your with his problems because apart from being his wife you are also his friend. Many extra-marital relationships start off as a friendship. You don’t want him to end up with another woman because she understands him and shows him moral support better than you. Be that woman.
So here are just three simple things you can do to encourage his fidelity: be attentive, attractive and supportive. If he doesn’t find that in you, he may start looking for it in other women. I am strongly convinced that unhappy husbands become unfaithful husbands – so keep him happy.
When Separate Bank Accounts Make Sense
I am convinced that separation of finances is a good thing. We all have different personalities and our financial habits often vary a lot. I am really cautious with money: I plan my budget a month ahead and try to save as much as I can. Paying the bills is my priority, but if at the end of the year I have a considerable amount of money saved – without hesitation I will spend it on a family vacation. My income is stable and I have enough emergency funds to last me a few months if I am out of the job tomorrow. Jonathan has his own business which is pretty much seasonal. He can estimate his future monthly earnings but he never knows exactly how much it will be. When it’s slow he can make zero profit. Since money comes and goes in a somewhat chaotic manner, he spends it when he has it and “ties the belt” when he doesn’t. He wiped out all of his savings a few years ago when the financial crisis affected his business and was never able to replenish them. He may make a big unplanned purchase but then fail to pay the bills on time. He often spends money on things we don’t need but postpones buying essential items.
So we clearly exhibit different type of financial behavior and having separate bank accounts is the best option for both of us. I don’t mind having a part of the financial responsibility, but once I covered my portion of the expenses, I enjoy the financial freedom to spend the money on things that I like: clothes, books, concert tickets. Being a stay-at-home mom for awhile was really hard on me because financially I was fully dependent on Jonathan. He did do a good job paying for all the necessities but there was never enough money for anything extra. If I wanted to go clothes shopping, Jonathan would grant me a very small sum of money claiming that finances are tight at the moment. But in a couple of days he would wire ten times the amount to his brother to help him buy a new car. He is not a good planner and instead of trying to change him, I accepted this as part of his personality. I emphasize his responsibilities to provide for the family and secure our future, but at the same time I never criticize him for the small purchases that I don’t consider that necessary. I pay my half of the expenses and Jonathan has no control of how I spend the remaining money. We do discuss important financial decisions such as which college plan to choose for Peter, or how to get a better deal on our mortgage. But we also managed to reach that optimum level of financial independence which satisfies both of us. In the end disagreement about family finances is one of the top reasons why families fall apart. So maybe our financial planning is done in non-traditional ways, but it works for us and eliminates any reasons for fighting on that front.
