Communication Problems in Marriage Part II


And again I was responding to one of the reader's comments and it came out too long, so I might as well publish my thoughts as a separate post to continue with the "communication problems" topic.

Here's the similar experience of another struggling wife:

"I wish I could get my husband to have one of those "productive hearty talks." *sigh* It's been a week since our last fight (my husband sounds a lot like yours--a small spark and he erupts) He yelled at me until he suddenly retreated to his room and hasn't spoken to me since. So, even though I agree that having no communication this week has kept us from having a fight, it gets to a point where I feel a need to talk about what happened (Without him yelling at me). My husband just keeps things inside until he has forgotten about them enough that one day, magically, he acts like the past week (or month) has never happened. "


Big sigh in return... It's all too familiar. Just last Saturday my husband got upset with me about something, said a few harsh things and rushed out of the house without breakfast, as if he couldn’t bear to stay there with me another second. I was beating myself the whole day trying to think what I did wrong. I was considering calling him up to confront him what exactly made him so unhappy but I sensed he would evade the answers. I felt down as well as guilty – just didn’t know what for. But then I thought – his reaction is his problem. It’s still the same me, I am not a bad person and even if I did do something wrong, it wasn’t of the magnitude enough for someone to start despising me. There isn’t less of me even if someone's attitude implied otherwise. And I didn't become "unworthy" even though I almost felt the inclination to feel so. But I fought the negative thoughts and I carried on as usual, with my chin lifted, and my dignity, slightly dented, by all in all intact.

Maybe your husband can sense your urge to talk and deliberately avoids it because of that? Or maybe he needs time and space to cool off? Regardless his intentions and reasons, try to protect yourself first. Think of your arguments and best way to present them, in case he is ready to talk soon. But also think of the ways to distract yourself if he isn’t. Keep busy with other things. Right now you play by his terms but you can absolutely reverse that. Tell yourself that you are beautiful, smart and loveable, and no one can take it from you. And then act like it. I don’t mean arrogant, more like friendly but with dignity. Men are often like kids – trying out different reactions to test your limits. And sometimes they charge their ego on your neediness, which every fight emphasizes even more. Being the same cool you no matter what will discourage them to experiment too much.

We also have a lot of “buried” arguments, that are forgotten without being resolved. Sometimes we want different things so I accept his reluctance to talk and don’t push it. But I do have a “discussion” in my head, where I get to state all my reasons and then make the imaginary "court" declare me 100% right and “clear me of all the charges”. And knowing that I was right makes me feel better and more lenient towards the defeated side ;)

Thank you so much for your comment, it's always interesting to learn about couples having similar issues and how they are dealing with them.

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Communication Problems in Marriage


I don’t know about you, but we keep most of our thoughts to ourselves. As much as they (marriage counselors) advise communication to keep your relationship functioning, to us it tends to backfire. It’s like living in the highly-flammable atmosphere and one spark is enough to set off a blast. And neither of us like dealing with the aftermath. It’s hard to say why communicating isn’t always working for us. Maybe we are too different and operate in frequencies that have little in common. Or maybe we are too alike: two stubborn mules that refuse to accept that the other is right. And probably there isn’t enough room for both of our over-sized egos. Even when we try to talk out whatever problems we have, we end up fighting. And what’s really frustrating is that neither of really attempts to listen, to hear the other side: we choose to presume that the “other’s” perspective cannot coexist with “mine”.

So I felt more and more convinced that silence can be a helpful device, for our relationship in particular. I even wrote a post on that last week, just didn’t have time to edit and publish it. And I am glad I didn’t because yesterday we had one of those productive hearty talks that brought the long-sought relief to both of us. It concerned raising our son: he felt too alienated from the process, I felt too overburdened, like he left me to deal with it alone and I wasn’t always successful. He showed me his side of things and how deep his pain was, and I showed him mine. There was no equilibrium and everyone suffered, just in the opposite way. And this mutual suffering, when heard out and acknowledged, made us even. We were both victims and we were both guilty of doing things the wrong way, which made us realize that we are not enemies. We are in the same boat and it takes everyone’s effort to keep the balance and make it float.

It’s always easier to withdraw, to avoid intense discussions because we believe that it’s the best way to avoid pain. But those unanswered questions and unexpressed concerns only pile up inside. They make you angry, the kind of subconscious anger you no longer know the roots of, because you let things clutter for too long. I know that sometimes I have to force myself to communicate, and many times I fail, but the benefit of clearing things cannot compare to hiding them deep inside, hoping that they will resolve on their own.

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Happy Married Days




Sometimes we have those cloudless days of close-to-absolute happiness. I don’t know if it has to do with the warm spring weather and blossoming trees, or maybe those are fortunate for love days from the astrological point of view, or maybe our acts of goodness (and more importantly acts of patience) granted us enough good karma to enjoy these days of peace. The reasons could be beyond my understanding – all I know is these moments do happen, and we are both so gentle, and agreeable, and patient (not the usual forced kind of patience though), and effortlessly forgiving. We are almost in love like in those early days when love was such a source of novelty, surprise and endless bliss; back then we viewed every other aspect of life through a thin layer of love we shared, love was omnipresent.

So these peaceful days create a noticeable contrast to the busy, even mindless life we have, as well as to the dark days that occur in our relationship now and then. And it’s probably the contrast that makes you more appreciative of these rare moments of shared happiness, which takes you to a different level than plain old everyday content. You relax with your words and actions. You are calmer and kinder. And you are definitely more confident, because at least temporarily you can put to rest all that doubt and self-questioning, but feel desired and very attractive for a change.

Some can exclaim - what the hack is she talking about? That’s what a normal marriage should be like. Every day. But it is not for me. Mine is a crazy roller coaster. I acknowledge when we hit the bottom so it would only be fair to acknowledge when we reach the top. And try to prolong our stay there. It will be of great help to guide us though the time when we are going down instead of up. So when the serene days are over and the usual problems creep in, memories will last long enough to remind us that we are not together for nothing. And for that I am sincerely grateful.

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Problems exist in every marriage. So do their solutions.