The scary thing about any problematic marriage is that you have less and less desire to put an effort. You know exactly what things to say or steps to take to ease the tension, to restore peace, to be on friendly terms again despite all the mean things you said to each other when you both lost control during that last fight. You just don’t feel like bothering with all the proven tactics. You don’t feel like fighting any more. You know that after working so hard to make up, to make things better will come the time when one careless word will cause the domino effect and everything will go to hell. And you will hit each other with harsh words again, and you won’t probably regret it as much as you used to.
That’s what scares me, this feeling of being so burnt out emotionally, so drained having fight after fight that I don’t see the point in saving anything. My analytical mind knows all those solutions available since there are still plenty – I could have said this, or done that – but suddenly there’s an inner barrier, this stubborn feeling, a daring thought (however self-destructive it is): I am done trying.
People often leave me comments that have one thing in common: lack of hope. And there’s always hope that life will take a new, better turn, and oftentimes this hope is within arm’s reach. It’s just that many of us stop at some point and refuse to take another step forward, even if life depends on it. Because we are tired to feel like a donkey that follows a carrot on a stick: we solve one problem thinking that our marriage has just improved because we are more compassionate, or supportive, or better listeners, cooks, lovers, etc. but more issues come up turning it into a never ending "taking off" process, where it's been years and we are still not flying...
I haven’t written here lately, things have worsened between us, there hasn’t been any positive experience or development in the past 3-4 months, that would inspire me to say something to inspire others, to offer advice or hope. But you know what’s the worst thought of all? When I think: maybe it wasn’t destined for me… Not meant to be (how much I hate these words). We all deserve to be happy in love. The minute we lose belief in it, light goes out in our eyes and we turn into pathetic losers, convinced that Universe has nothing left in store for them. So, dear friends, you may find me unhappy but not beaten, desperate but not hopeless, unloved but not unloveable ;)
