I have my dark days. And when these days come, nothing that I do can help elevate the gruesome feeling of hopelessness and resentment. Then my thoughts begin to spin in circle: that’s not what I signed up for! I deserve better! It’s not fair! The inner storm escalates to a point where I beg for a sign pointing to the exit, something that says “escape is that way”, which I will follow without hesitation out of fear to explode. But there isn’t always escape, nor do I end up exploding with indignation. I plunge into deep mental work of sorting myself out, sorting us both out, letting the storm subside so that I can breathe normally again.
There are really two paths that I may choose to take: the dark and the happy one. And I’ve set down the dark path many times, always reaching the point when I knew I had to turn back, give it another chance. It’s the path of negative emotions, finding faults, blaming, hating and non-talking. Something you could rightfully call the “cold war” for no missiles are launched (such as filing for divorce) but the anticipation of the breakup is in the air. It’s when you do nasty things to each other to hurt back for all the past, present and future wounds, when all your actions are aimed at expressing contempt, even disgust. But you don't leave. Yet.
I’ve never walked down that road for more than a few days, a couple of weeks at maximum for the fear of destructive consequences this approach has on my soul. I would become a bitter scornful woman, get soaked with disdain. I would darken the already thick darkness. So I always chose to come back and initiate appeasement. But many people live in the state of cold war for years. And even as they head for divorce, the resentment lingers long afterward. No enemy left to fight but the fighting habit remains. And whole years are to be erased from you memory.
I don’t know how things will end for me. And I become even more clueless in my dark days. All I know is that I am not capable of choosing the path of hatred, I value my life and my dignity higher than that. Letting someone destroy you is as good as choosing to destroy yourself. So I will always choose the path of love and forgiveness, even knowing that this love is undeserved and unappreciated. Regardless the outcome, I want to be able to look back and see myself not losing dignity, rising above the hurt feelings. There’s always some light in our married days, weeks, years – our experience, our growth up to the point of complete transformation, all the wisdom that we acquire along the way. It’s just up to us whether we choose to see it or ditch these years as a complete waste of time.
3 comments:
As a husband, your post struck a chord in me. I sincerely understand the feelings of "that's not what I signed up for." I, too, go to that dark place of being angry but it was advice I received from a mentor at work years ago that brings me out of it. She told me, "You cannot control what happens, but you can control how you react to it." It is hard to be the bigger person sometimes, but I, like you, have found that being a bigger person pays dividends. I would rather be the person working to keep my marriage happy and together than the person that lets it fall apart.
Great comment!
You mention that the way we react to marital problems makes a difference - I couldn't agree more. It seems that learning to react properly has been my biggest challenge and achievement in marriage. There is a natural reaction - impulse would be a better name for it, and there is a reaction of the wise inner self, that takes consequences into consideration.
Marriage is a two-partner game, and though you mostly cannot control your partner's reactions (unless you're the world's best manipulator), you are fully in charge of your side of the game. And that's 50%.
I'm hurting and out of answers. My husband speaks badly to me more and more often. Not insulting, just badly. Today was a big fight over something so small. He apologized, realized he shouldn't speak to me that way, but I couldn't accept it. It will happen again.
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