Many of us live with a preconceived notion that we need another person in life for it to be complete, for happiness to come knocking at the door. We believe wholeheartedly that when we meet our significant other the most important piece of the puzzle will be put into place, that only then we will feel whole. And there is nothing wrong about thinking that way, in fact I am frequently wary of the individuals declaring that they are self-sufficient and perfectly fine on their own. It’s almost against nature.
The biggest mistake we are prone to make is to place too much weight in the way of our expectations and demands on the chosen one. We wait for someone to come and fix us! We are too lazy to do the work that concerns us. I often hear wives complaining, “he doesn’t do this and that… he doesn’t love me like he used to… he doesn’t treat me right…” They seem to be producing a long list of unmet demands that’s only getting longer with each year of shared living. Their dissatisfaction takes up all the space, it seems to be the only thing they are capable of talking or thinking about. Wait a minute, if your husband is to disappear tomorrow, taking with him all of your unaddressed concerns, what will you have left of your life? Would you look around like you just woke up asking yourself , “uh… where was I?”
We all want happiness so badly yet we refuse to even try to be happy unless our spouse would spread happiness in abundance on every single day of our life. Otherwise we stay miserable. And give him the attitude he deserves for failing to be the light that never burns out.
At some point I thought: no matter how hard I tried it’s not easy to be happy with him. Too much work with dubious results at the end. That’s when I decided to be happy on my own, first in spite, then for the sake… My happiness was the best neutralizer of his moodiness, aggressiveness or indifference. I started looking for things that make me happy even when he is not around, soon I was too busy to notice his lack of attention and ignore his nagging. I was no fun to have a fight with, he was looking at me with different eyes, I sensed the renewal of his interest. I was so enthusiastic about all the things I was taking on, my enthusiasm got contagious. I lightened up the atmosphere in our house, I lifted up the burden I placed on his shoulders at the beginning of our marriage: to keep me happy all the time – something that would wear down any man sooner or later. A happy wife is easy to love. A loved wife is happy. Stop thinking that only once he treats you write you will finally be happy (because he will only treat you worse if you keep going that route). Be happy now, be that light, you have that in you!
Can You Break the Cycle?
Is Your Husband Happy?
Reading a blog about loneliness, I stumbled upon a comment from one frustrated husband. These are the words that somehow struck me the most and emerged me into a lengthy bout of pondering: “My wife does her best to null any joy or excitement”. Women are known to complain more about issues they have in their relationships: expressing feelings, untangling a twisted knot of emotional problems, self-digging to a point of losing touch with reality and then dumping the findings on whoever would listen – all of these are more typical of a feminine nature. I’m not trying to present men as some shallow species incapable of deep feelings, it’s just that those feelings are mostly hidden so well it’s easy to fall into fallacy of thinking that men can take up any emotional burden and still be okay. Is it really so?
I often get annoyed when Jonathan gets into this peculiar dreaming mood. He starts talking about all the things he would never do as if he is all ready to start execution of his grand plans tomorrow. It goes like “first we’ll travel to Europe, stop by in Italy, visit Scandinavian countries…” I can’t help it but put some cold water on his overheated dream button: I dismiss his dreams by strong reasoning and logic. In eight years we’ve been together we went traveling once and it took a lot of efforts on my side. As I follow my urge to bring him back to the real world, the light of joy fades away from his face: he is defeated, quiet and unhappy. He retreats into his inner world from which I am now banned. Once I heard him murmur: “ Let me dream, won’t you…”
That’s just one of the examples but I can think of many more when I was the one to “null his joy and excitement”. Yet he never complains and I proudly carry my rightness, convinced I did him lots of good. It daunted on me lately that I don’t want to be right any more, I want him to be happy. And even if I am not the source of his happiness all the time, at least I can try and give some space so that the springs of joys would emerge from underground. We may very conveniently think that they owe us happiness but we owe them nothing in return: we can do all the nagging and criticizing in the world and still be loved unconditionally. It doesn’t take much to be judgmental, it takes a lot of will to support something you don’t necessarily agree with. Unless you want to be that sort of wife, the one who is always right, the joy-killer.
What Annoys Us the Most
Is there one thing in your spouse – a peculiar habit, a gesture – that annoys you tremendously, drives you crazy at times? More than one thing? I’m afraid I can produce a rather long list and all the annoying habits of Jonathan’s will be equally painful for me to tolerate. But there is one that’s simply killing me. The noise. The man was gifted (cursed?) with the loudest voice in the universe. His whisper (not sure I hear it often) is the equivalent of my normal voice. When he talks in a normal voice I have an urge to cover my ears to tone it down. When he screams, and he does it frequently when on the phone with his workers, I have a serious concern that I might become hearing disabled soon…
Ironically, I like silence. I get disturbed by noises, excessively loud sounds wear me down, make me lose my focus. And it’s not just his voice. When he walks – he needs to stomp. The TV always has to be on, the volume up. The doors are slammed. That’s the way he is, noise fits in perfectly in his world. We are not compatible in this sense.
But some nights, when he is working late, the quiet house freaks me out. Something feels wrong, something is missing. The silence then becomes so awkward and almost too loud to endure. I turned on the TV or music, but somehow still fail to reproduce the usual level of noise. I miss HIS noise. I miss him in this inexplicable way of missing the thing I dislike about him the most. Isn’t it fascinating at times how the whole relationship notion becomes so controversial? Yet that’s how the true attachment is formed. We acknowledge, accept and get used to the annoying habits we wouldn’t stand in anyone else. Those are the things that we remember when the beloved is far away. One of those twisted features that come in a package called love.
Movies About Problems in Marriage
It’s hard to think of a movie where problems in a relationship wouldn’t be touched upon in some way. In the end no such thing as a perfect relationship exists in real life, neither does it in movies. There are lots of primitive movies based on the idea of he cheated/I divorced him/ I met new love/ happily ever after happened. But there are also some great movies that focus on less customary problems in marriage – they make you think and even relate to what’s happening with the main characters.
So here is my list – Top 5 Movies About Marriage Problems That Actually Make You Think:
#5 Breaking & Entering
The idea: having a constant challenge in a relationship creates an ever growing distance. Caring for their behaviorally challenged daughter wears down a longtime couple - Will Francis (Jude Law) and Liv (Robin Wright Penn). Liv turns out to be more resilient (as most women are) and does everything to keep the family together. Will finds it easier to escape by starting an affair with a Bosnian immigrant. He thinks he made things a bit easier for himself whereas in fact it only gets more complicated. Food for thought: women are more likely to solve an existing family problem (e.g. see a counselor), men will try to escape dealing with it (having an affair as a way to forget about the problem even if not for long).
#4 The Hours
The idea: there are women out there (big surprise!) who actually consider having a family to be the biggest burden and sanity shaker. Laura (Julianne Moore)gets so sick of wearing her fake smile and pretending that she is content with her suburban life and role of a perfect wife and mother. She first attempts suicide but eventually settles for leaving her family (including two small children) for good as a way to regain her freedom and sanity. Food for thought: it’s quite dangerous to drive a woman to this extreme degree of misery – suburban housewife’s life is not for everyone.
#3 Revolutionary Road
The idea: another tribute to the suburban dream life myth. April (Kate Winslet) and Frank (Leonardo DiCaprio) fight all the time unable to settle into the lifestyle imposed on them by the social norm of the time. They are briefly united by the idea of leaving it all and moving to Paris, but once their plan fails their relationship turns into pure undisguised hatred. Food for thought: uneventful predictable life can destroy the best of marriages.
#2 Mad Men
The idea: following social norms and commonly accepted stereotypes is far from having a happiness formula. Unhappy husbands, unhappy wives, their lonely children – all in pretty idealistic surroundings of a cute house in the suburbs, respectable job in Manhattan, recognition and admiration in the highest social circles. A "fairytale" life that leads to drinking, cheating, intensifying the feeling of loneliness, leading to depression and self-destructive behavior. Food for thought: striving for public approval, building your life from the mold conveniently provided by the society – will only result in estrangement and severe loneliness within your own family.
#1 Frida
The idea: what happens when it’s hard to be apart, and even harder to be together. Frida Kahlo (Salma Hayek) and Diego Rivera (Alfred Molina) have the most dysfunctional marriage one could possibly imagine. There’s an enormous connection they share, they are each other’s biggest support. Yet neither can stand the idea of being locked in this marriage and both seek extramarital affairs to add to their life’s fulfillment. Soul mates struggling to coexist. Food for thought: marriage will always feel like a golden cage to some – as much as they enjoy the good things that come with it, they will long to escape this love-hate relationship just to be back awhile later.
What’s your favorite movie about problems in marriage or relationship?
Temptations of a Married Woman
Every married woman at some point faces a temptation of being attracted to another man. It can be a small meaningless crash such as simply admiring the beautiful appearance of a model-like coworker, or it can be a serious passion-obsession, which results in an affair and might ultimately lead to divorce. Some women, especially at the beginning of their marriage, will feel indignant at the idea that they, just like men, might give in to temptations and be unfaithful at a certain point. The chance that it will happen though is rather high, not as high as when it comes to the number of husbands cheating, but still…. There is always a possibility. We are all human after all with our weaknesses and flaws. But it’s important to remember the saying “forewarned is forearmed”, if you accept that there’s a chance it might happen – you won’t be taken by surprise and will be able to think and analyze the situation, rather than feel paralyzed by the whole “I-can’t-believe-this-is-happening” thought.
So here’s a possible plot: you’ve been happily married for the n number of years, things are not as hot and romantic as they used to be, but you get along well, taking for granted occasional boredom and lack of crazy emotions. In the end marriage shouldn’t be like a roller coaster – it’s more of a serene port that provides comfort and stability. You have very strong ties by now but are likely close friends more than passionate lovers. Then one day at work you have a small talk with a very attractive coworker of the opposite sex and you are surprised how good it feels – your conversation lasted just a couple of minutes, but you are suddenly filled with warmth and incomprehensible excitement. Things start happening quickly – even though they are mostly happening in your head. You suddenly care more what you wear to work. You begin to have fantasy dreams, and even when you are awake your imagination takes you to almost forbidden places. You feel tormented trying to interpret any signs or words because they might help make it clear if you are liked back. At some point you are no longer sure what’s real, what’s imagined.
This kind of changes that are suddenly happening to you do not necessarily affect your marriage in a negative way. In fact if the whole romance is happening in your head, it might be beneficial to your relationship – you look better, feel happier and more feminine, and the mysteriously pensive look on your face may seem very attractive to your husband. So I would call this form of “mental cheating” a rather healthy and probably natural thing.
But once you cross the line and let things get too far, feelings will inevitably get hurt. Starting an affair will mean having a dual life - and it can exhaust anyone; a crazy range of emotions from passion to guilt, from love to self-hatred are likely to leave you burned-out once the affair is over. You can destroy your marriage and there’s no guarantee you will be able to replace it with the new relationship that started as a work romance. You probably idealized your coworker in many ways, a lot of his features were imagined by you in the attempt to escape your marital routine.
It’s essential to stick to your wisdom and common sense, and not let the emotions take over. Be prepared that one day you may suddenly feel attracted to another man – your coworker, a family friend or a stranger you met at a coffee shop. Be prepared to look at the situation from the outside, as if it’s happening to someone else, and assess the consequences of your actions. Try to project into the future – do you see yourself with this person? Is it worth destroying your marriage and breaking your husband’s heart? Don’t forget that when we don’t know someone that well, we tend to fill the gaps in knowledge using our imagination, which distorts our perception. This man that you suddenly worship may not be that perfect after all and eventually you’ll get to uncover a lot of his imperfections whereas you are well aware and used to the ones your husband has. So next time you feel like you are developing a crush on some good-looking guy – don’t panic: you can allow yourself some indulgence, as long as the whole romance game is played in your head and no one’s feelings are hurt.
Do We Make Them Cheat?
An interesting thing: if you go to Google and type “what percentage”, you will instantly be offered a few choices, the first of which is “men cheat”. And you get some very upsetting statistics: 50-70% of married men in America have cheated or will cheat on their wives. But putting the customary “because that’s what men are” aside, let’s look at the problem from a different angle. Is it possible that wives’ behavior is the root cause of the infidelity? Could we take some of the blame and, what’s more important, can we do something to prevent their possible cheating? And I am not talking about checking their cell phone messages or spying on them in any other way. I am talking about becoming better wives so that our husbands repel the idea of being with another woman.
How many of us are actually guilty of the following:
1. Neglecting to spend time with your husband once you have kids because of the tremendous shift of your focus. Not that I am suggesting to neglect the kids and pay your entire attention to the husband, but a common mistake many wives make is devoting all the love and energy to the kids, being convinced that “he will understand” because “kids need me more right now”. He SHOULD understand, but he doesn’t. He feels more like an outcast in his own house. Motherhood is challenging and exhausting and you need his support, but so does he. If you say that your baby takes all of your time, imagine for a second that you have two babies (3,4,5, etc. – the “+1”concept). If you had one more baby you would somehow find the time for him. So treat your husband as that “+1” and if necessary repeat the mantra “he won’t survive without me” on a regular basis.
2. Neglecting your looks once you get married. Being a wife should not stop you from being a Woman. We do our best to look nice when we get ready for work, but once we are home we can relax: smudged makeup, old stained t-shirt, ugly sweat pants. Remember how you used to look when you were just dating? Always making sure to wash your hair and shave your legs… It should not be any different now, because otherwise he will start paying attention to women who don’t fail to neglect their appearance. You should wear comfortable tidy good-looking clothes when at home. Just imagine that George Clooney (or whoever you choose to imagine) may suddenly appear at your doorstep – will you pass the “I am not ashamed of my looks” test?
3. Neglecting to listen when he talks. Maybe he doesn’t have the most exciting job in the world, and you couldn’t care less about the details of his 5-hour long meeting. Put an effort. Be that person he confides to. Make him feel confident that he can always turn to your with his problems because apart from being his wife you are also his friend. Many extra-marital relationships start off as a friendship. You don’t want him to end up with another woman because she understands him and shows him moral support better than you. Be that woman.
So here are just three simple things you can do to encourage his fidelity: be attentive, attractive and supportive. If he doesn’t find that in you, he may start looking for it in other women. I am strongly convinced that unhappy husbands become unfaithful husbands – so keep him happy.
When Separate Bank Accounts Make Sense
I am convinced that separation of finances is a good thing. We all have different personalities and our financial habits often vary a lot. I am really cautious with money: I plan my budget a month ahead and try to save as much as I can. Paying the bills is my priority, but if at the end of the year I have a considerable amount of money saved – without hesitation I will spend it on a family vacation. My income is stable and I have enough emergency funds to last me a few months if I am out of the job tomorrow. Jonathan has his own business which is pretty much seasonal. He can estimate his future monthly earnings but he never knows exactly how much it will be. When it’s slow he can make zero profit. Since money comes and goes in a somewhat chaotic manner, he spends it when he has it and “ties the belt” when he doesn’t. He wiped out all of his savings a few years ago when the financial crisis affected his business and was never able to replenish them. He may make a big unplanned purchase but then fail to pay the bills on time. He often spends money on things we don’t need but postpones buying essential items.
So we clearly exhibit different type of financial behavior and having separate bank accounts is the best option for both of us. I don’t mind having a part of the financial responsibility, but once I covered my portion of the expenses, I enjoy the financial freedom to spend the money on things that I like: clothes, books, concert tickets. Being a stay-at-home mom for awhile was really hard on me because financially I was fully dependent on Jonathan. He did do a good job paying for all the necessities but there was never enough money for anything extra. If I wanted to go clothes shopping, Jonathan would grant me a very small sum of money claiming that finances are tight at the moment. But in a couple of days he would wire ten times the amount to his brother to help him buy a new car. He is not a good planner and instead of trying to change him, I accepted this as part of his personality. I emphasize his responsibilities to provide for the family and secure our future, but at the same time I never criticize him for the small purchases that I don’t consider that necessary. I pay my half of the expenses and Jonathan has no control of how I spend the remaining money. We do discuss important financial decisions such as which college plan to choose for Peter, or how to get a better deal on our mortgage. But we also managed to reach that optimum level of financial independence which satisfies both of us. In the end disagreement about family finances is one of the top reasons why families fall apart. So maybe our financial planning is done in non-traditional ways, but it works for us and eliminates any reasons for fighting on that front.
Living With a Controlling Husband
If you have an extremely possessive and jealous husband, such as I do, sooner or later you will realize the impact of his possessiveness on your way of thinking and your whole lifestyle. It will change you no matter how hard you resist and try to be who you are. It’s like bending a tree till it breaks – he will be pushing his agenda on you till you give up, because giving up is always easier.
I went to a bowling event the other night: it was organized by the CEO of our company and showing up was mandatory. Jonathan had no choice but to give me a green light since it was work-related. I had such a good time, in fact it made me realize that I’ve been lacking this kind of fun for so long. It’s kind of pathetic though that I was having a blast with no friends or family around – just some people from work who I barely communicate with under regular circumstances. But that's the reality I live in: Jonathan is not too fond of me hanging out with friends and going out; he'd rather see me home every night, bored but within his sight.
He’s been trying to box me in ever since we moved in together. He wanted to be in control of every little aspect of my life from what I wear to who I talk to. I understand that his own insecurities and fear of losing me are at the root of the problem, however knowing it gives me little help when justifying his often irrational actions and reactions. He is not the owner of me or my life – that’s how much I know!
It’s not like I’ve been living blind-folded for all this time and then suddenly realized that I am not a huge fan of his controlling behavior. I knew it from the start but somehow I believed that it’s not a big deal, I could live with it, moreover I could make him change, teach him to trust me unconditionally. And he did soften up and accepted some things that used to spark a lot of protest awhile back. But those are just small victories – yet there are numerous battles ahead. A freedom-loving person that chooses to submit for the sake of maintaining peace and harmony in the family can never be truly happy. Living against your nature for too long will inevitably lead to rebellion. That’s how it gets nasty – when you explode with all the rage that has been silently accumulating inside.
Don’t let things escalate into a crisis: armored with patience, you can actually make little steps of progress on a daily basis. Don’t argue but explain why certain things he is against are so important to you. Tell him that when he is understanding and agreeable, it makes you so happy you are together – you only wish he was that way more often. Try not to do something against his will or in spite of his ban: it’s important to get his approval even if it means wearing him off day after day with reasons and pleas. Express the heartiest gratitude once you get a “yes” so that next time he is less reluctant to stand a siege for too long. Fighting for your choices is important otherwise he will keep you underfoot and you will have little say in the family. But doing so with wisdom and patience rather than scandals and threats will get you better results and won’t break your family apart.
Rationality vs. Risk Taking?
We all do crazy, reckless things when we are young and single. Settling into a married life means facing new economic circumstances and requires an increase in one’s sense of responsibility. As a rule wives manage to accomplish it faster and more effectively: they become very frugal and practical to ensure the well-being of their family. Men do so more reluctantly, they occasionally deviate from rigorous budget planning to make pricey and unnecessary purchases. So when rationalism clashes with risk-taking, which one will come out a winner?
Rationalism is a typical wifely feature. It takes roots in the maternal instinct: a mother always puts feeding her babies ahead of everything else; besides, not only she wants to make sure hers kids have food today, but also tomorrow, a week, a year from now. She is planning far into the future, denying herself little (and not so little) pleasures if necessary. A husband knows that he needs to provide for the family, however as long as he puts the food on the table today, he considers his mission pretty much accomplished, since tomorrow is another day. And if something goes wrong he is convinced he will have time to figure something out.
A conflict will often arise when a couple plans to make a big purchase, such as a new car, a large screen TV or a swimming pool. A woman will go for functionality and safety features, it’s also important for her to buy a product that is convenient for use and affordable. A husband is more interested in all the extra new features (not because he’ll use them, but because it’s cool to have them); his ego will require a most recent release, a most popular (highly advertised) model. He won’t be scared away by the above-his-budget price, just the opposite – men find more satisfaction in buying expensive products, rather than on-sale or clearance items. And as always they will think about paying if off later on…
Does it mean that a wife should have more say when there’s a big decision to be made? Not necessarily. It’s more about a healthy mix, learning to coordinate and cooperate in the decision-making process. A wife will come up with logical well-thought options that are in the family’s best interests. A husband’s ideas can be more spontaneous and less rational, however by raising a level of risk tolerance, he will often manage to get things from the “dream world”, achieve daring victories, expose his family to new experiences.
Shoot for the stars when you can, stay on the ground when it’s necessary.
Why We Talk And How We Listen
One of the biggest differences between men and women discussed in many relationship publications is why we talk. When men have a problem, they talk it out to find a solution. When women talk about a problem, it’s to vent by expressing their concerns and fears. Men’s talking is aimed to solve, women talk to express themselves and move on.
Understanding this simple concept can eliminate so much misunderstanding in any relationship. If your husband is complaining about a very annoying coworker, try to help him find possible solutions for dealing with a conflict situation. “Honey, you may choose to ignore him or confront him, think what will make you feel better and won’t affect your career in a negative way”. Something like this. You listen, help him see what options are out there ( dare I say men are more narrow-minded and less-creative than women – so frequently they are convinced that there is just one solution to a problem). He appreciates your involvement and advice.
With women it gets a little tricky. I cannot keep things that worry me all to myself – soon enough I will feel like I am ready to explode. Complaining is one of the key strategies of how women deal with daily stress. After all, our stress tolerance level is much lower than that of men, we are more fragile emotionally. The trick is we often complain about things we cannot change. Or things that don’t necessarily make us unhappy, they may just worry us or make us feel insecure.
Let’s say I complain that I don’t feel like going to work. If Jonathan listens, nods and consoles me by saying “it’s ok, honey, the weekend is almost here” or “I know you feel tired” – I instantly feel better. I expressed myself, was heard and understood. Going to work no longer seems to be such a daunting task. But if he tries to find a solution, which is not what I am seeking, and tells me “if you don’t like to work – stay home and be bored” , I don't get my relief - moreover I now feel annoyed, misunderstood and even more miserable.
A friend of mine told me that he is sick of his wife’s complains: he decided to give her whatever she wants even if the outcome will make things worse. She complains that he doesn’t make enough money – he will find a better paid job but with longer hours, so he won’t be home in the evenings to help her with the baby. She wants to go on vacation even though the money is tight – he will wipe out their savings to spend a week in some luxurious resort. Needless to say with this approach they began to fight even more. So I taught him a few phrases for their next conversation on a topic of unfulfilled wishes: “ I know you feel frustrated but things will get better”, “ I am sorry you are upset”, “I appreciate your patience, I will work hard for us to have everything we deserve”. I explained to him the concept of mere listening – no critique or solution-finding. He was beaming the next day – “It worked!”
Maybe your husband too needs a little help to become a better listener. I told mine long ago that I complain for the sake of complaining, it’s what makes me feel better. I make sure to thank him for listening. And if he is on the verge of losing his patience – I tell him that going shopping is my next stress-relieving strategy on the list. So him listening for my nagging and whining for extra 10 minutes will come out cheaper in the end.
Why is He Never Good Enough?
Do you have those moments of irritation, close to desperation, when you feel like everything your husband does is wrong? It’s not that you are hard to please, but there is a certain minimum of spousal “performance” that is quite reasonably expected. To be a good listener and show interest in your problems. To make sure to spend some quality time together, do something as a couple: hiking together once a month, going to the movies every second Sunday night. To maintain romance in your life, even if you are not as passionate about each other. But alas, you feel like every normal husband does it except for yours. Did you get a “defective” product???
Your list of claims may be different from mine, but I am sure every wife has it. So does every husband (Jonathan would probably name my lack-of-variety cooking as the biggest source of his marital discontent). The point is we always have some demands that we want to be met. And even if our spouse manages to fulfill all of our selfish wishes, we will come up with more. At some point, if we don’t stop ourselves, keeping up with our demands will become impossible.
Switching the status of your significant other from “totally imperfect” to “good enough” requires some substantial work and inner struggle. I will share a few ideas to keep you on the right track:
- Stop comparing him to other men. Even if you think that your best friend’s husband makes all the right moves, trust me he has imperfections of his own. Many seemingly happy couples have problems, which they don’t always share with the public. Besides, what works for others, might not be as appealing to you. You man is unique and he will never be able to transform himself into someone else. He is what he is. If the urge to compare becomes irresistible – compare him to the guys that are way worse: the ones that cheat on their wives, never help out with kids, have the lowest-paid dead-end jobs, etc.
- Focus on the positive. There has to be something good about him. But we often prefer to limit our perception: we downplay his good qualities ,then make a real tribute to a couple of bad ones. Take a moment to write down a list of all the things you like about him: it will serve as a great reminder why you married him in the first place in those desperate moments, when you feel like you are stuck in the wrong relationship.
- You are not perfect either. That’s something we all love to forget upgrading ourselves to an angel’s level. So here you do quite the opposite: write down all of your flaws, things you don’t like about yourself. Once you are done, read it carefully – who knows, maybe you will feel surprised and grateful that he hasn’t run away from you yet.
- Men don’t know how to read our mind! And this means that sometimes you need to take the initiative. Or to tell him exactly what makes you unhappy about his behavior/habits/attitude rather than wait endlessly till the bright thought reaches his mind. So I do plan all of our outings, even though I would love for him just once to be in charge. But if I don’t take the matters in my hands, we will just stay home on every festive occasion (which reminds me to make a reservation for the upcoming St. Valentine’s Day). But at least I know that we will have a nice romantic dinner with delicious food – and who’s in charge of making it happen doesn’t really matter. Stop waiting for things to change. Rather than getting close to exploding with disappointment that he doesn’t make you happy – be happy on your own. And try to make him happy. He will appreciate your efforts and will inevitably feel obliged to pay you back. Besides happiness is contagious and tends to spread around: so just open your heart and let it in.
Temptations, temptations…
You stayed married for years and your life together became so mundane, that any thought to spice things up and add more romance is just a thought, never really leading to action. Your relationship is so predictable: you know how he will respond to whatever you have to say; you know what things not to mention; you may visualize effortlessly how you are going to spend the next weekend, month, year, life. There is comfort and stability in this status quo, but boredom too: you often feel that you need something extreme to happen in order to get you out of this stagnation – you long for an adventure.
And then He will appear in your life. First as a very good friend. It will make you so happy – being just friends with a guy who understands you so well, who is ready to listen to your complains for hours (not pretending to be listening like your husband often does). He asks you a bunch of personal questions, and is eager to help at your first request. He notices and gets concerned about your slightest mood change. You feel flattered that someone cares about you to such an extent. This friendship is the best thing that happened to you in a long time: it’s nothing like chitchatting with your girlfriends with their never-ending nagging about relationships and their own problems. When you talk to him – you are always the center of any conversation. You can't wait to tell him about the latest events of your life because no one can listen like he does.
Then you begin to notice strange things. The way he looks at you, those longer than appropriate gazes. The way he “bumps” into you too frequently. A few weird way too personal compliments. It will finally occur to you one day – a terrifying and sweet thought: he has insanely deep feelings for you! This scary thought will lift you up and crush you all at once. What a pleasure it is to have an admirer, and what a curse it is! You may choose to confront him or prefer not to know. All the same: things are about to get nasty.
It's a big temptation to keep this friendship: you are unlikely to ever find such a devoted friend, who will rush to you when you need him, who is always conveniently there. But it cannot go on forever because his longing and suffering will inevitably come to the surface. The longer you stay friends, the more he gets to know you, the deeper his feelings for you will get. He is so needy now - and unsatisfied needs lead to anger. So if you try to maintain the appropriate distance – or even worse to increase it and put up some barriers - before you know he becomes your enemy. Or if you retain your friendship at the same level, he might feel used. He wants to be more than just your puppy on a leash.
Getting out of this is a challenge: the best thing you can do is to end this relationship before it’s gone too far. Even though you know that he won’t take it well and you yourself might have to go through the widest and wildest range of emotions. So the best advice here: keep the distance from the very start, don’t get too personal with your new friends of the opposite sex, who suddenly show so much interest in your personality.
5 Strategies for the Best Valentine’s Day Ever
Valentine’s Day is coming up and what is being done to make it unforgettable – the usual combination of flowers-present-restaurant? You follow the routine because it’s become a standard, what others do… You are no longer sure you anticipate this holiday. Choosing a present gives you a headache and you postpone it to the last minute. And as selfish as most of us are, we expect our partners to shower us with their love and adoration on that day, worshiping the mere fact of our existence. But what do YOU do to make it a memorable day for them? What do YOU do to show them your love and appreciation?
It’s not about buying a fancy present, it’s about making them feel special – and you can achieve it using 5 simple strategies:
1.Surprise.
There is a little child living inside of us – and kids love surprises. Do something you never do or something your spouse doesn’t expect: if you’ve never tried serving breakfast in bed – that’s a good start (boy, I wish it was done to be at least once in this life!) Make his omelet into a heart shape. Write little “I Love You” notes and hide them in his pockets, shoes, wallet. Hang on the wall a collage with the best photos of you two and write short funny poems underneath each picture. Write a love song and sing it to his work voicemail, while he is at lunch. The element of surprise will add some novelty to your feelings and your relationship especially on this particular day.
2. Care
If someone loves you they genuinely care about you. Show him you care too and it will make him feel closer to you. Ask him about his work in details, even if before you showed little interest in his achievements. “Fix” his tie (scarf, hat) on the way out. Ask if he wants something special for breakfast. Give him a massage, stroke his hair. Tell him to wear a warm sweater if it’s cold outside. Tell him to be careful on the road. Tell him to take good care of himself because you need him.
3. Compliment
Men and women alike like to hear compliments (whether we admit it or not). Even the lamest of the praises can cherish one’s ego and boost self-confidence. However once the life gets too hectic we forget to notice and acknowledge small things about each other (test: do you remember what your spouse was wearing to work this morning?) Now imagine that you see him for the first time: take a good notice of his hair, hands, smile. Don’t say common things like “You are the best” or “You are so handsome”. Make a personalized well-thought compliments that will give goose pumps: “I love your eyes, they hypnotize me whenever you look at me”; “What would I do without your courage and confidence – you are my rock!”; “No one understands me like you do – I am so glad to have you in my life”.
4. Hug
When he least expects it – just come over and give him a tight long-lasting hug. No words are needed… just hold on to him as if you are unable to let go. Turn it into a moment of intimacy that’s above sexuality: it shows how emotional you are because of him. This hug will symbolize your bond, which includes not just love – but also deep friendship and support for each other.
5. Love (Surprise!)
Say it first thing in the morning, say it last thing before you both fall asleep at night. Say it many times during the day, send a text message, e-mail, e-card; write it on a post-it and stick it to the fridge. There are so many different ways to send the message but putting it into words is the most universal approach, so don’t ignore it!
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Taking a Break to Prevent a Break Up
We go through various periods both in life and in marriage. Sometimes everything goes well, your relationship is blossoming with no visible efforts, you are both understanding and considerate of each other. But there are times when you did nothing seemingly wrong, but things are falling apart. Any trifle could spark a fight, no one is willing to compromise or yield. Astrologists would probably find a decent explanation to such a bad turn of events – the planets took the wrong disposition or something, but no explanation can console you and give you strength to get through the hard times with dignity.
The problem is that things add up, and the conflict is escalating to a point when it breaks into a war. You become enemies and treat each other accordingly. As a rule you no longer remember how it all started or who is to blame – you are caught up in devising new strategies on how to hurt him more. You are thinking of retaliation: I won’t talk to him for the whole week to make him feel lonely; I won’t cook his meals and he’ll realize how he is dependent on me; I will wear sexy provocative clothes to tease him by getting attention from other men.
What you don’t realize is that by engaging in this kind of activities you hurt yourself first. You become “that crazy wife” – scandalous, vicious, bad-tempered. You push back all the good qualities you possess in order to substitute them with the ugly war armor. You lose not only your dignity – you lose yourself in this meaningless battle that will be over one day anyway, leaving devastation but solving nothing.
Sometimes you just need to be above it to preserve your good self. So before you let drag yourself into the starting war, take a break. Let your emotions cool down, let your common sense take control and guidance. Taking a break will allow you to think things over in a calm atmosphere. Refrain from talking to him till you are ready. I still tell Jonathan that my silence is not aimed at hurting him, I just need a break to put my thoughts together, which usually neutralizes his hostility in moments as such. So he lets me have my space, and he has his space too, and we can both finally breathe.
Amazing things happen while you are “on a break” – your feelings metamorphose from extreme negative to confident positive. It goes like this: I hate him, I won’t last with him much longer – I don’t hate him that much but I still feel hurt – there are good things we’ve had together, I begin to remember that – he is the only person who truly cares about me – I miss him. No matter how long your break lasts – exiting it is usually more effortless than you’ve anticipated. Since most of the negative feelings are gone, taking that first step to establishing the truce seems easy and natural. Chances are he feels the same way, re-energized by the quiet time off he had. And he probably missed you too, even if you were in the same house all this time, but each in their own space. Little by little you restore your relationship, and it’s easier to do so when there is no devastation that a real war would cause. You are careful with your words and deeds.
Many couples split multiple times but keep getting back together. But you can take a break being under the same roof: minimum talking, pretend he’s not there, do your things. You will know exactly when it’s time to start patching things up again: you won’t feel forced to compromise, you will have a strong desire to do that.
Fewer Arguments = More Peace
There would be many more happy families if there were no fights between the spouses. Or if at least the amount of fights went down let’s say by 50%. Sometimes looking back I realize that so many arguments we’ve had with Jonathan were for nothing. Either the subject wasn’t that significant, or in spite of all they screaming everybody remained convinced that they are right and the other side is wrong with no compromise reached. But those fruitless arguments can exhaust you to an extent, that you are ready to declare that you marriage is what makes you miserable and unhappy.
It’s probably impossible to maintain a fight-free marriage because we are so much alive and emotional. In fact participating in an argument is another proof that we still care. However we could learn to be more selective and determine which subject is worth arguing about and when it’s wiser to back off. So if we cut the number of fights by half, it means the increase of the peaceful time in the family. Simple math.
So first you should set a goal and here is and important question: how frequently do you have fights with your spouse? If it happens every day, then set up a goal that it should be every other day. If it happens once a week, try to go 2 weeks without a single argument. Once you define your goals (remember to make them realistic), start thinking about the ways to achieve them.
There are a number of things you can do. But the easiest one is avoidance. If you try to follow some kind of non-argument schedule, according to which you must NOT argue today, you avoid getting involved in a fight all together. If your spouse says something to provoke you, tell him “can we please talk about it tomorrow?” Chances are he will cool down by then and forget all about it. You can also limit your answers to “yes” and “no” to discourage further discussions. Or you may choose “to remain silent”.
You can implement a subject-selective approach, when you come up with a list of subjects which you will not argue about. And since we tend to have repetitive fights over the same things, choose the topics of less importance and refrain from discussing them. It can be things like your spouse’s sloppy and annoying habits, or a political event you tend to disagree on. I have a good example: Jonathan often gets on my nerves by buying things we don’t need and spending money we could have spent elsewhere. So if I choose to make it a taboo topic, we’ll there be any damage? Since he hasn’t changed this habit in spite of numeral attempts on my side to prove its wastefulness, maybe we are both better off to drop the subject once and forever? So it will be helpful to write a list of all the things you argue about, and then check the ones you are willing to drop for the sake of more peace. In fact you may realize that you can agree to disagree on so many topics that under scrutiny appear not that vital.
If you stay determined and stay away from the arguments because they are not in your schedule, you will have to come up with more constructive ways to reach agreement. Maybe you'll become a better listener since you are not "allowed" to answer back. Maybe you will learn to look at things from his perspective. As a peace-keeper of the family (how do you like your new title?), you need to be inventive.
Once you reach the desired goal, set yourself for a new challenge. Are you up for a fight-free month? Year? Life?
He is Wrong
Men are supposed to be strong, so in a difficult moment they could support and console us. But many men I’ve met have this peculiar weakness – they are not capable of taking the blame. It’s back-breaking for them to an extent, that they will try to put the blame on someone else’s shoulders. Someone who happens to be nearby, involved in their life one way or another. Most of the time they will blame it all on their wives.
They manage to disguise it so that we’ll think we are totally guilty. It usually happens as follows: he screwed up badly at work and his boss is giving him a hard time. He comes home in a bad mood. He doesn’t like what you cooked for dinner. He expresses his opinion in a such a rude way – that you answer back, so here is the beginning of a very heated argument. He will remind you of all the things that you’ve ever done wrong. He will call you a bad wife, himself – a victim, your marriage – a failure. You’ll run away in tears, three days of non-talking will follow, and then somehow things will get back to normal. He might even apologize but most likely he will just act like nothing really happened.
And you will keep asking yourself: why did I have to go through all this pain, and suffering, and tears, and gray hair added. If he is still with me – then I am not such a bad wife after all?
The problem is you are always taken aback when something like this happens. Yesterday things were perfectly fine, but today the crisis came out of nowhere. We are not always aware of the true reasons behind our husbands’ sudden rage. Occasionally, once we make up, I would ask Jonathan if something happened at work that upset him so much. And he will tell me all about it and why he was so stressed. But I will learn about it AFTER, and until that I will be going crazy with self-analysis – what I did wrong and how I should fix it.
So here is the solution: 1. Remind yourself when something like that happens out of the blue – it’s probably not your fault, you will find out the cause later, when things cool down. 2. Don’t let him drag you into the argument – no matter how hard he tries to provoke you. 3. Don’t bother to answer him or make excuses: he won’t hear you anyway. 4. That’s a hard one – no matter what he says, remain nice to him and ignore his insults; this will calm down his rage and make him realize that hurting you is not a way out. He will appreciate it later on, trust me on this one.
