With all the media coverage of Katie's escape from
the tight grip of her controlling husband Tom Cruise, we can't help but wonder how
much truth there is to the story. Here's a great article about The Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes Syndrome
with real life examples of people's life changing drastically after leaving
their dominating spouse or parent.
I know quite a few women that are married to a
control freak. For one thing I happen to be one of the unfortunate ladies. My
husband is an absolute manipulator and I wrote about it a while back in my blog
post Living
with a Controlling Husband, that got the highest number of clicks. So
apparently it's a hot topic these days.
But here's why I disagree that leaving is the best
solution (though, like many of Katie's supporters, I think it's a very brave
act). There aren't that many "easy" husbands out there, definitely
not enough for all of us. Katie Holmes is still young, beautiful, rich and
famous, she will have no trouble finding her ex a replacement. But if all women
are encouraged to walk away from their marriage just to break free from
controlling ways of their husbands, there will be a lot of single ladies out
there.
So basically there are three options: surrender entirely
and become the model obedient wife to appease his domineering nature; break up
and be free (and possibly completely lonely); learn to get your way and
maintain the balance in your relationship through patience and wisdom.
If you decide to walk away, I applaud your courage
because you will have to go through a tough battle, he is not the kind of man
to allow for an easy exit. If you decide to submit to his will, I pity you
because it will never be enough for him and he will always find more ways to
make you feel guilty for minor things -
you simply cannot foresee everything. Besides, he is very likely to despise you
for the same obedience he was pushing for; or he will consider his job done and
lose interest.
At some point I pondered upon and rejected those two
possibilities: I couldn't leave for a number of reasons and I couldn't fully
surrender because if something, I am the opposite of submissive and have a
rather strong will myself. This meant that I was sticking with our marriage and
the constant fighting, resulting from the daily clash of the two strong individuals,
that couldn't comfortably share the tight marital space.
But here's what I've learned over the past 10 years.
If something is really important to you and you have the courage to insist and
wisdom to do it the right way, you can win over. I've had my share of small and
big victories from the right to wear the clothes I (not him) liked, to the people I spent time
with, to going to work (which he initially was against of), to giving our son the name of my choice. You don't win every time and there are sacrifices to make. Just
choose carefully where it's okay for you to lose and make a big deal out of
succumbing to his way, implying that "now he owes you".
Also, there's shared space, but then there's private
space, which he can never get his hands on, no matter how much he would like
that. Your thoughts, your dreams, things you say to people when he is not
around, secrets that you have not to spite him, but to protect your marriage
from his inadequate reactions. I make good use of my personal space. I write
this and other blogs he knows nothing about. At work I am not the person he is
used to seeing at home (note: never work with your husband, a past mistake I've
learned from). He owns (let him believe he does) only a fraction of me, but
there are so many other sides of me he doesn't need to know about.
In our complicated relationship it goes like this:
if I push too hard, he has no choice but to step back. And he does the same. So
the winner's trophy is constantly exchanging hands. But then things settle and,
regardless the winner, become the issue of the past. We are not changing our
son's name, and the question of me going to work has been closed in my favor.
The longer we live together, the fewer the issues remain for us to fight about.
And my last point is that in a way I am grateful to
my husband for everything I've learned through his difficult personality. I've
learned to be persistent and strong, but also diplomatic and generous. I now
appreciate many things I've taken for granted in the past so in a way he taught
me gratitude. And the main thing I've discovered is that true freedom is only
within, and if you don't find that, then till the rest of your days you will
keep blaming your bad husband, the unfortunate circumstances or find other excuses rather than claim what's
always been there inside of you. So be free and be happy, everything else is just gaining
life experience to make you stronger and wiser .
