Does Your Husband Define You?

 

You ever thought that with a different husband it would be a different YOU? Your true personality would shine brightly and you would be all the things you ever wanted to be? I go as far as visualizing that different me alongside that perfect husband I should have had. I would talk more, especially about the inner struggles that plague me, my doubts and insecurities - because he could help me find the way out of the dark. Even if just by listening. I would take salsa classes because he would be more than willing to be my partner. And then we would dance winter Saturdays away since we now knew how, sweating it out in a tight embrace among other indulging couples. We would fall asleep holding hands (and certainly not in different bedrooms on the opposite ends of the house).  Our relationship would be completely effortless. I would be calmer, more confident, more self-loving and more whole.

But then I also hear and read stories of women who in spite of having amazing supportive husbands, fail to maintain their "center" and tumble down the self-destruction slope. Some of them are unable to withstand another treacherous attack of depression and instead of seeking help, give up trying. Others succumb to the enticement of extramarital flings, and get tangled in the web of infidelities and lies. I know women who neglect their appearance - gain weight, opt for a plain unsuitable haircut just because it's more convenient, never get out of sweatpants and baggie shirts. And then you meet her terrific husband and can't help thinking "he could do better". But maybe he did better, it's just that without the need to win him over and over, she relaxed and lost touch with her better self, allowing the routine get the best of her.

What I'm trying to say is that relationships define who we are but it's up to us to decide which direction this defining process should take. Each one of us is a complex, multi-dimensional being and certain circumsances and people in our life bring to surface this or that side of us. So maybe with a different husband it could be a different YOU, but even with your husband, however imperfect he is, it could still be a different, better you.

My husband is a man of shifting moods. One day he is loving and sweet, the next - he is mean up to the point of cruel. My perception of myself used to shift with his mood switches: on good days I felt loveable and worthy; on bad - I was so disgusted with myself I wanted to disappear. And one day I just got tired of this splitting effect of his splitting personality. My frail emotional system could only deal with one type of me and it was time to decide which one it should be. I visualized that amazing woman I could have become with a different husband, where only the best of my qualities would find way to the surface. And that's the image I've been sticking with ever since.

A few weeks ago, during one of his "nasty days", he said "be damned the day I met you". I should have been hurt to the core but I wasn't. I should have descended to the bottom of the darkest well of self-hatred because my own husband hated me so much but I stayed calm. I knew who I was and no hurtful words of his could shatter that image. I just let him fight his own demons. For the next 2 weeks, consumed by guilt and regrets, he was all over me, showering me with extra attention and love.

When working on this post I initially thought I would write "don't let your partner define you". But this is wrong because in a relationship changes and shifts in your personality are inevitable. Yet you get to control the ways he defines you. I could have become insecure, suppressed and miserable because of my husband. I became strong, resilient and self-loving in spite of him. And when things are good between us, I can sense his gratitude for turning out exactly this way, not the weakling he pressed me to become.

So maybe you weren't destined to shine as a wife of the most amazing man alive. But you can still shine! Define the better you and be it now. Merry Christmas and a Happy Blissful New Year of 2013!

What To Do When Your Husband Doesn't Want You To Go Out

I've written before about living with a controlling husband, however a recent comment from one of the readers inspired me to look deeper into a specific problem: your husband is against your going out. So I put together sort of a "survival guide" with some steps you should take to mitigate the inevitable conflict.

Mind, I'm not going to address how unjustified his reactions are, we all get it. The way I look at it, living with a control freak is like living with a child with behavioral issues: he can't help it, every time you go out he has to throw a tantrum because he fears he is losing control. No need to get mad, judge or fight him. You can feel sorry for him but you gotta do what you gotta do. Unfortunately, you can't help him deal with his emotions, your main responsibility is to protect yourself, your life and your emotional well-being from the destructive influence of his manipulative ways. So here's what you can do to make it easier for YOURSELF:

BEFORE

Telling him you are going out requires certain wisdom. If you ask for his permission he is likely to say no. If you simply deliver the news as a statement, he will get mad you didn't ask for his permission. So what works for me is a combination of both. "Honey, I made plans to go out with my girlfriends this Saturday night (statement), I hope you don't mind (sort of asking for permission)". It's important to mention that you've already made the arrangements, so it's no longer between you and him (manipulators strive in one-on-one battles), but there are other people involved who already expect you to show up and not doing so will be suspicious or require an explanation.

If he strongly objects to it, you need to give him a valid reason why you are still going. Keep in mind that obvious reasons that work for normal people, won't work for him (you want to have some fun, you miss your family, you don't feel part of the team if you never go to a happy hour with co-workers, etc.) What he needs is a SUPER-reason, the one he won't be able to counter-argue with. For example, when he is against my girls-night-out, I say that I've been so stressed out lately, that if I don't go out and get some distraction, I will have a nervous breakdown and he will have to find me a psychiatrist/shrink/mental institution. Works every time! He doesn't want that kind of responsibility.

If he doesn't want you to go to a family gathering, tell him you already promised your mom and you can't stand to upset her. If it means that much to him, HE should then call your mom and explain why you are not going. The prospect of doing it will terrify him enough to back down. Manipulators prefer to stay on good terms with the rest of the world, it's only with you, desperate for control, they are not afraid to lose face. Besides, they usually use guilt to make you change your mind but in this case you throw the ball in his court and the decision is his to make.

DURING:

So you are going and he even gave his half-hearted yes to the outing. But now he wants you back home at 10pm even though the party starts at 9.... He will instruct you not to consume any alcohol and will find a million reasons why the outfit you're wearing is inappropriate. In other words agreeing to you going out doesn't mean he won't try to still ruin it for you. Like a kid who throws a tantrum when mom goes to work, even though he promised to be a good boy. So ideally, if you want to have a good time, you need to mentally "divorce" your husband as you close the door behind you, turn off your cell phone and enjoy the night. You will deal with the consequences later.

If you feel like this tough love is too tough for him, leave the phone on, but don't pick it up as he starts to frantically call you. Send him one vague text message "everything is fine, we'll be home soon" somewhere in the middle of the night, then bury the phone deep in your purse and give your full attention to the party.  If you go back and forth texting each other or fighting over the phone you might as well have stayed at home. Remember, you are "divorced" for the night, and don't let your "ex" ruin your evening. He's gonna give you a hard time the next day no matter what, so which one you pick - to enjoy the party and then have a fight or not to enjoy the party and still have a fight?  But to make it easier turning off your phone is highly recommended.

AFTER:

The key is to act as normal as possible, the minute he senses a hint of guilt you are doomed to lose in the upcoming argument. Don't try to be extra nice or appease him with a super-fancy breakfast. Remember, you did nothing wrong and it's him who is having a problem. (Ideally, he should be the one serving you breakfast in bed for making you deal with his problems.) The party was yesterday and you've already moved on to today, so busy yourself with the matters of today. I used to make a mistake of giving him the details of the event: who came, what and how much we drank, what time it ended. It gave him lots of reasons to blame me - for hanging out with the wrong people, drinking too much, staying out too late. Now I stay as evasive as possible, providing minimum information and emphasizing that I don't care about it as much as he does. How was the party? - it was ok. - Who was there? - a few people. - What were you doing? - eating. - How much you drank? - not much. - How late you got home? - not sure. He simply won't be able to build up a conversation based on your 2-word answers and the argument will extinguish itself as it barely starts.

These are some of my strategies, they might not work for you but I hope they will at least inspire you to look for your own solutions. Just remember, the key objective of any manipulator is to make you think about a situation, to put you in a state of introversion until you start feeling guilty however irrational it seems. He will blow it out of proportion and make it difficult for you, so that next time you think twice before going out again. He is trying to make it big - you  should make it smaller. "I went out last night, what's the problem again?" He wants you thinking about it, he wants you mad  because that's how he felt last night when you were gone. Show him you've already moved on and it's him who's still stuck. "I'm sorry I can't talk about it now, I have to do laundry and go food shopping". And most importantly, resist the temptation to think and worry about it before, during and after you went out. It's not him who is ruining your life because he has a control problem, it's you who let's him put you into this thinking mode. So get distracted, command yourself not to think about it, not to feel mad and eventually you will make the problem non-existent, just like it should be.

Should You Forgive Cheating?

 

I'm not that into celebrity love scandals but Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart happen to be one of my favorite couples. They just compare too well to shallow, spoiled, materialistic and self-obsessed stars that are not worthy the media attention. Robert is very smart, witty and down to earth and Kristen... she's just so complex and enigmatic ( my opinion people, no need agree).

So when the photos surfaced of them being together again after the cheating scandal I felt strangely relieved. Because in spite of all the things that people wanted and expected them to do, they were able to distance themselves from all the noise and listen to their hearts. Have any of those "well-wishers" that poured dirt on poor Kristen noticed how much weight she'd lost after the scandal? Or how lost Robert looked in his post-breakup interviews? And how they can't keep their hands off each other in the recent photos as if they are afraid to let go?

If it's you who were betrayed, you are standing at the crossroads, and everybody around tells you to condemn the cheater for life - stop listening! People share your sad facts but not your feelings. They have no idea how much it hurts, this pain of not being together anymore, like the big part of you has been torn and you are bleeding. There's no tranquilizer to numb this pain and no revenge will ease your suffering. And deep inside you know that the only way to stop this agony that's eating you alive is to forgive. Oh, people will judge for sure, but sooner or later they will move on. And you will stay with that one person you can't live without. You will put the betrayal behind you until it becomes just a distant memory. But there's one thing you've learned - not to take anything for granted anymore. Because true love turns from a blessing to curse only when it's taken away from you.

I'm not talking about serial cheaters. Nor should you forgive a spouse who is cheating because he no longer loves and respects you. I'm talking about someone who is still in love but they make a mistake just because they are a weak human being and they've succumbed to a temptation that promised heaven but delivered hell. The kind of misstep when you look back and ask yourself what was I thinking?

So Rob and Kristen, and other couples in a similar position, will learn their lesson. They will realize the consequences of jeopardizing their relationship due to a fleeting temptation. But they will also come out stronger, more protective of their feelings, having experienced firsthand how much there is to lose. They will celebrate every precious minute of being together after those tormenting days of being apart. So just like them,  I would choose forgiveness and second chances over living an empty life, full of loneliness, mistrust and bitter regrets.

How to Have a Better Husband

 

As I was reading the "Marriage" chapter of the new book by Gretchen Rubin Happier at Home (highly recommended by the way), I learned about the Michelangelo effect and the role it can play in a relationship. Here's a quote from the book:

Studies show that happy couples are much more likely to idealize each other, and by holding those positive perceptions, they help each other live up to them. In what's called the "Michelangelo effect" (because Michelangelo created beautiful figures out of marble blocks), when romantic partners expect the best in each other, they help each other attain those ideals.

So in a way we make our spouse what he is, like a sculptor can carve flawless lines out of shapeless materials. It's true, you cannot change your spouse by altering his innate temperament or erasing years of upbringing and his family's influence. But to a degree we have the power to bring out the best in him. For example if you constantly thank him for being a good listener, say how much it helps you to have him to support you, that no one understands you like he does it encourages him to listen even in moments when he'd rather not. It's manipulation in a good way because most of us appreciate this disguised push that lands us on a higher pedestal.  We like being a good person, feeling like a good person and getting appreciated as a good person. No one wants to be the bad guy that some husbands believe their wives make them into.

I noticed that if my husband doesn't do something I really want him to, no amount of nagging, forcing, sarcastic remarks or pure yelling will make him do it. It's like some weird stubbornness comes into play where I can see that he knows he needs to do it, he feels bad about not doing it, but he still wouldn't simply because I forced him. But if I say calmly how nice it always feels when he does it, how much it means to me, how generous of him it would be to sacrifice his time/money to do what he doesn't really want to, all of a sudden he is no longer against it. For example if he can't make it to our son's karate tournament, I am very tempted to say that he is a bad father and his work is more important that his kid. But instead I say how much his support means and how our son seems to perform better when his dad is there to cheer for him, it immediately boosts his ego and he is ready to come. I place a label "good father" within an arm's reach and all he needs to do is just claim it.

It's why we all find the realization of being loved to be so intoxicating, especially at the beginning of a relationship. It's the very feeling that suddenly makes us so precious in our own eyes, so beautiful, so desired. And when you are treated like a goddess, you begin talking and acting like one. So stop proving to your husband that he is a lazy irresponsible jerk. Start treating him as a strong, protective, romantic and caring gentleman and watch him turn into one.

I Don't Need That

Your true nature provides the motive for creating the life you really want.
--Martha Beck, Finding Your Way in a Wild New World

We are standing in line at Six Flags and I'm trying to persuade my husband to go with us on this ride, which looks pretty modest compared to some of the crazier rollercoasters.  Kids as young as 4 are not afraid to go, I say, and we drove so far, and paid these high admission fees. Exasperated by my insistence, he finally yells out, "I don't need that!" Mortified that I just got yelled at in public by my own husband, which never happened before, I also feel guilt. Why did I keep pressing him if he clearly didn't want to go? As much as I was convinced that he would enjoy himself and thank me in the end, the choice was clearly his to make.

Feeling ashamed that he raised his voice, he did get on the ride. The worst part is that the ride was actually pretty scary, I couldn't wait to get off. And judging by his face when it was over, he felt the same way, which only intensified my guilt. I had no right to push him. But the more I think about it, the more I realize how much he is shielding himself from life with the simple phrase "I don't need that". You wanna go to the beach? - I don't need that. - Can we go on vacation? -  I don't need that. - Will you take our son to the movies? -  I don't need that. The only thing he needs is to come from work and glue himself to the TV. Work, TV, work, TV, work, TV - 365 days a year and he is content. Though occasionally he does complain how tired he is from this "dog's life" with no fun in it. To which I just roll my eyes because if I start suggesting the options that could add some variety to it, I will hear the usual "I don't need that".

It's sad because when I apply enough pressure and manage to pull him out of his routine, he appreciates it. After the Cirque du Soleil performance he exclaims in excitement that we should go more often. During our vacation in Cancun he keeps saying that we should look into booking the next vacation right after we come back from this one. And on a rare occasion that we eat out, he says that we will do it once a week from now on. But the minute he is back to his work-TV routine, his enthusiasm wanes and any suggestion of doing something for fun is immediately rejected.

I'm afraid I've exhausted my pushing power. His an adult who is perfectly capable of making his own decisions. I cannot live his life for him. And if the decision is to miss out on life in favor of the work-TV-sleep circle, I should probably respect that. But I don't. Because where does the family fit in?

I know he will have very few good memories. Thinking about the endless TV shows he has watched is unlikely to warm up his heart when he gets old. But if I can't tell him how to live his life, it doesn't mean I should stop living mine. I need these good memories of a great time and I want to ensure that our son has them too. The time spent together as a family exploring life outside our house. We go everywhere we can, the two of us, we talk about what we see and that's how we bond. Me and my son. And neither of us will look back disappointed, because we needed it so much - the adventure, the new experiences, the fun time - so we went and we did it all.

Are You Married to Tom Cruise?

With all the media coverage of Katie's escape from the tight grip of her controlling husband Tom Cruise, we can't help but wonder how much truth there is to the story. Here's a great article about The Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes Syndrome with real life examples of people's life changing drastically after leaving their dominating spouse or parent.

I know quite a few women that are married to a control freak. For one thing I happen to be one of the unfortunate ladies. My husband is an absolute manipulator and I wrote about it a while back in my blog post Living with a Controlling Husband, that got the highest number of clicks. So apparently it's a hot topic these days.

But here's why I disagree that leaving is the best solution (though, like many of Katie's supporters, I think it's a very brave act). There aren't that many "easy" husbands out there, definitely not enough for all of us. Katie Holmes is still young, beautiful, rich and famous, she will have no trouble finding her ex a replacement. But if all women are encouraged to walk away from their marriage just to break free from controlling ways of their husbands, there will be a lot of single ladies out there.

So basically there are three options: surrender entirely and become the model obedient wife to appease his domineering nature; break up and be free (and possibly completely lonely); learn to get your way and maintain the balance in your relationship through patience and wisdom.

If you decide to walk away, I applaud your courage because you will have to go through a tough battle, he is not the kind of man to allow for an easy exit. If you decide to submit to his will, I pity you because it will never be enough for him and he will always find more ways to make you feel guilty for minor things  - you simply cannot foresee everything. Besides, he is very likely to despise you for the same obedience he was pushing for; or he will consider his job done and lose interest.

At some point I pondered upon and rejected those two possibilities: I couldn't leave for a number of reasons and I couldn't fully surrender because if something, I am the opposite of submissive and have a rather strong will myself. This meant that I was sticking with our marriage and the constant fighting, resulting from the daily clash of the two strong individuals, that couldn't comfortably share the tight marital space.

But here's what I've learned over the past 10 years. If something is really important to you and you have the courage to insist and wisdom to do it the right way, you can win over. I've had my share of small and big victories from the right to wear the clothes I (not him) liked, to the people I spent time with, to going to work (which he initially was against of), to giving our son the name of my choice. You don't win every time and there are sacrifices to make. Just choose carefully where it's okay for you to lose and make a big deal out of succumbing to his way, implying that "now he owes you".

Also, there's shared space, but then there's private space, which he can never get his hands on, no matter how much he would like that. Your thoughts, your dreams, things you say to people when he is not around, secrets that you have not to spite him, but to protect your marriage from his inadequate reactions. I make good use of my personal space. I write this and other blogs he knows nothing about. At work I am not the person he is used to seeing at home (note: never work with your husband, a past mistake I've learned from). He owns (let him believe he does) only a fraction of me, but there are so many other sides of me he doesn't need to know about.

In our complicated relationship it goes like this: if I push too hard, he has no choice but to step back. And he does the same. So the winner's trophy is constantly exchanging hands. But then things settle and, regardless the winner, become the issue of the past. We are not changing our son's name, and the question of me going to work has been closed in my favor. The longer we live together, the fewer the issues remain for us to fight about.

And my last point is that in a way I am grateful to my husband for everything I've learned through his difficult personality. I've learned to be persistent and strong, but also diplomatic and generous. I now appreciate many things I've taken for granted in the past so in a way he taught me gratitude. And the main thing I've discovered is that true freedom is only within, and if you don't find that, then till the rest of your days you will keep blaming your bad husband, the unfortunate circumstances  or find other excuses rather than claim what's always been there inside of you. So be free and be happy, everything else is just gaining life experience to make you stronger and wiser .

Is Your Marriage Fireproof?

After complaining to my sister about our everyday small but consistent  arguments, she recommended watching the movie Fireproof. I usually make a mental note when someone recommends me a nice movie or a book, but somehow never get to actually check them out. But a week a after our conversation I happened to have time and a strong craving for anything inspirational and preferably relationship-related. So I watched Fireproof - and WOW! This movie got me into so much thinking and inspired to take a fresh look at our marriage and my role in it. Now I truly believe that Fireproof should be on top of the Movies About Marriage List, and a definite must-watch for couples on the verge of divorce.

Basically, the plot is pretty simple: a once happy, but now constantly fighting couple is surely heading in the direction of a split. Caleb's (the husband) dad interferes and suggests an experiment that can help save their marriage, and even if it doesn't, it least Caleb can live guilt-free because he tried. All he has to do is follow a plan given to him by his dad, which "prescribes" a specific action for each of the following 40 days. For example, day 1 - you can't say anything bad to your wife, day 2 - you have to tell her at least one nice thing, day 3 - you have to do something special for her, etc. Obviously it starts from the easiest and progresses to the hardest.

What appealed to me in this movie is how much I could relate - first to their arguments, where both the spouses seemed to have their point, but wouldn't hear each other, so it was hard to say who was more right or more wrong. Second, to how painful it can be to try day after day but get no reaction. Third, to how sooner or later if you put your heart in it and don't give up, your spouse has no choice but to respond to your efforts.

The most important point for me in the whole movie was that as Caleb thought he was working on changing his wife, he in fact was undergoing the change himself and at the end of the 40-day experiment he was a new person. He also saw all his flaws in the way he was treating his wife, in his unrealistic expectations , in how he was demanding respect without earning it. This is not a movie about how to change your partner,  it's about becoming a better partner which in its turn will bring all the desirable changes to your family.

If you want to fireproof your marriage, that is definitely a movie to watch and learn some lessons from. I hope you will get inspired as much as I did!

Comparing Your Husband to Others

I don't like to compare because of the emotional impact comparison usually has on us. But sometimes you can't help it. Watching someone else's husband who is more involved, sweeter with his wife, closer with his kids creates this unpleasant inner stir that I'm missing out. I do see happy couples occasionally, who are so in sync, so connected. But mostly I see relationships where the two people are ... just together; and you sense a lot of dissatisfaction and unhappiness beneath the calm surface.

Anyway, I'm always glad when I am presented with the opportunity to compare to someone worse, not better. To get a chance to think about someone else's husband, "thank god I'm not married to that dude" (though I suspect many women think the same about mine). Sometimes this comparison makes you see your partner in a new light and reconsider whether some of his flaws are actually that bad.

We've been having a contractor coming in to repaint the walls in our house. What initially seemed like a quiet, reserved guy turned out to be a nightmarish chatterbox. The minute my husband steps out the door the dude opens his mouth and pours the endless stream of words down on me (my husband normally doesn't talk much - what a blessing). Mostly this guy complains about everyone and everything (my husband does not like to complain especially when he is having serious problems; he keeps everything to himself to spare me from excessive worrying). This guy keeps saying dirt about his ex- and current wives (I know for a fact my husband never discusses me with anyone). This guy keeps making inappropriate jokes of sexual nature (my husband would never talk like that with a stranger, he treats all women with a distant respect).

I now find myself thinking warmer thoughts about my hubby because he is not all those repulsive things some men are. I like how this guy is intimidated by him and shuts up in his presence. Everybody has their vices but we usually choose someone whose flaws we can put up with (even if a different woman would find them unacceptable). Bit this recent experience emphasized my husband's merits and reminded me why I was attracted to him 10 years back: not only for all the things he was, but also for the things he was not.

How Did We End Up Here?

I love reading fiction books where a marital struggle is one of the central plot lines. And every time I come across the question raised by the fictional wife - "how did we get here?" I feel like exclaiming - "Exactly! How?" At some point, at the very conception of the relationship, things were very good, and today they are pretty bad, but how did this gap happened? When? Why did it grow so wide?

A very thought-provoking book on mending the broken marriage that I would recommend to anyone is What Alice Forgot by Liane Moriarty. It's about a woman who falls off the exercise bike, hits her head and suffers a very peculiar case of amnesia, where she loses memories of the past 10 years of her life. She wakes up, thinking that she is a 27-year-old happily-married happily-pregnant woman and is then shocked to find out that she is in fact a 37 year-old mother of 3 on the verge of divorce, whose husband deeply hates her. As Alice sets out to explore how she went from being so happy and hopeful to so miserable and bitter, to look for clues to what went wrong and who is to blame, she gradually discovers that both her and her husband are equally responsible for their woes. However her injury let her take a fresh look at how everything started, how perfect their relationship was at one point, which made her more determined to fight to save their marriage.

If I am to trace back the past 10 years of our life together, I know what I will find. All those moments of miscommunication, lack of patience and support for each other, not enough spending time together, constant arguments about raising our son the right way. We were both wrong on endless occasions and pointing fingers to who contributed the larger share of damage will lead nowhere. I know he was a far worse husband than me a wife, even though I wasn't exactly perfect myself. I tried harder though. But as much as I would want him to admit that I will just be wasting my energy. And it's irrelevant any way.

What I need to recollect is the way we were in the beginning. How we couldn't go on a single day without seeing each other. How I blossomed nourished by his constant adoration. How he made me feel beautiful, desired and so complete. I feel nothing like that these days. I feel more broken but also much stronger, bitter but more realistic. What I know now is that everything in a relationship is a chain reaction. He hurts me, I hurt him in return, he hurts me in HIS return forgetting that he started it. And before you know it it's an endless exchange of blows and no one has any recollection how it came to that. But the same concept applies to the "good deeds", "voluntary acts of kindness" or whatever other fancy name there is for just being unconditionally nice. It causes exactly the same chain reaction but this time it results in a trade of good attitude. The only problem is who will start it, who will swallow the pride, let go of the past hurts and take this first step to being a better partner, a better person in spite of a very strong urge not to.

I write for those who want to try to be happy in a hopeless marriage. I am one of those wives who decided to stay even though it was probably wiser to leave. I get many comments from women like me. We all have our reasons. What I've learned from my 10-year marriage is that there are ways to feel happy in a marriage that is so far from perfect, from what you hoped and imagined it would be. If you bring your happiness with you into a relationship, it will always stay with you, but if you sit back and wait for someone to provide it, chances are you are waiting in vain.

Like any life's ordeal, a difficult marriage provides a platform for a tremendous personal growth. Everything happens for a reason. If we find ourselves in a particular situation, it's either because there's a lesson to learn, or because there's something inside us that doesn't function right and we are stuck until we decide to change. The very first and most important change should take place within, and the external changes will follow.

So the right question is not "how did we end up here?" but "how do we get back to where we were and then take it to the next, more mature, happier level?"

The Destructive Role of Screaming in Marriage

Being noise-sensitive in nature, I am very anti-screaming. I happen to believe that screaming is employed by low-class people simply because they lack proper manners. Kids get to scream because they don’t know how to contain their emotions yet, but we, adults, have more self-discipline and should be able to tackle any conflict in a more civil way than screaming and swearing, right? Yet, I’ve caught myself raising my voice on far too many occasions lately. Those domestic disputes brought to the surface the alarmingly short span of my tolerance. 

The problem is – just like violence causes violence – screaming provokes more screaming. And before you know it, it’s a competition of who can scream the loudest because, apparently, when two people are yelling at each other, they don’t hear much, being too busy thinking of the next accusation to throw in the other’s face. 

Screaming doesn’t get you anywhere, nor does it solve anything. It’s quick to disrupt any sensible thinking and provokes impulsive responses that both parties can later regret. A screaming wife loses respect and affection of her husband, and the more she slips into a screaming mode, the more likely her husband will perceive her as a hysterical woman in general. I doubt my husband will love me more if I turn to yelling on too many occasions, no matter how justified it is. And what’s worse, I will think less of myself, because being anti-something and yet engaging in it on a regular basis causes a tremendous inner conflict. 

Yes, we all tend to lose it at one point or another and succumb to an impulsive desire to scream at the top of our lungs during an argument. And I admit, it makes me feel better, providing some relief to the tension and letting the anger escape rather than ‘choke’ me on the inside. But whereas screaming helps me, it does not help our relationship. It’s the least productive way of communicating, and, other than letting off some steam, has little merit. 

So I acknowledge this new flaw of mine. I realize that, if left unaddressed, it will become my permanent attribute. And I think of ways to prevent it from happening, trying to come up with a strategy and program myself accordingly before the next argument takes place, because the rage will get the best of me. From counting to 10 to leaving the room at the first urge to scream, I need to protect myself from myself when I am at my worst, when I lose control. I’ve witnessed enough couples fighting in public to know that there’s little pleasure in observing your enraged beloved losing face. I don’t want to scream even when I want to scream. But I have to stay mindful about it, else my impulsive side will always win and I will ultimately lose.

Father’s Day is Coming: Did you Get Him His Cufflinks?

With Father’s Day around the corner (even though there’s still Mother’s Day before that), I am back to the regular dilemma – what gift I should get him. There are a few challenges that I’m facing every year around birthday/Xmas/Father’s Day time. Challenge #1: he already has everything. And to be more exact he has MORE than enough of everything a modern man should have. Well, maybe except the new BMW he is dreaming about, which I am not gonna get him. Challenge #2: he is very picky. Meaning everything I got him before did not satisfy his taste for one reason or another and ended up in the far corner of his least-visited dresser draw. Challenge #3: he loves shopping. I touched upon his 'shopaholics’ disorder' in my previous post. So even if he does need something, for me to go and get it for him is the same as taking away his most cherished pleasure of buying it himself. 

Here are some ways I go about these challenges. Solution #1: I buy him things he wants but for some reason doesn’t get or postpones getting. For example he’s been wanting to hang a few birdhouses in our backyard forever but could not find them at the local stores. I ended up ordering them online as a gift for him – made him real happy by the way! Solution #2: I buy him things he doesn’t have and doesn’t use but wouldn’t mind having just in case. Cufflinks would be a perfect example – even though he doesn’t wear them, he does have a couple of dress shirts that require cufflinks. This is actually something I am leaning towards this year, and since I very conveniently work next to Macy's, I might as well get men’s cufflinks there during my lunch break (they have some cool ones, I’ve checked before). Solution #3: personalized ego-boosting products. It must have been expert psychologists, who came up with the whole idea of putting “Best Dad Ever” + a photo on a coffee mug. No matter how cliché these things are, they work!!! And what’s more, they never get shoved to some dark web-covered corner of a kitchen cabinet. So cufflinks or a #1 Dad mug? Or ... more birdhouses?

Trivial Issues in Marriage with Serious Consequences

I often feel like in my marriage I gravitate between two opposite poles. One is when things are really good between us, but we seem to be pulled in that direction less and less frequently. The other is when our relationship is a complete disaster and nothing makes sense. Like I said, I barely reach the “coast of happiness” any more, and getting to the wrong side makes me so utterly depressed and miserable, that I try to get away from it as fast as possible and stay in neutral waters, where things are neither good, nor bad, they just are. Unfortunately, lately even staying in the neutral zone has been so much work. Our communication reminds me of playing the Minesweeper: no matter how slowly you move or how well you calculate every step, you are bound to hit the mine and all the previously done work is blown off, and you have to start over. 

I’m not sure I even possess the right level of diplomacy to communicate my point without sounding offensive. He’s been offended by the smallest remarks latterly (since when did he learn to be so sensitive, used to be my thing) and I constantly feel like I’m walking on eggshells. 

So here's our seemingly trivial issue - his obsession with shopping, which is driving me crazy. I try to under-react when he buys more shirts or pairs of socks than he could possibly wear, but I totally lose it when he brings home 10 shopping bags full of stuff for the kitchen. I hate clutter and fight with it relentlessly. And considering kitchen my kingdom, I hate seeing it cluttered with stuff we never use. Yesterday I exploded when he bought another veggie grater for me – because it’s the 4^th grater he has got this year. And four graters take up half the shelf in my kitchen cabinet. But when I asked why would I need yet another grater, his response is - to replace the old one. And that’s what pisses me off, I love my old grater! (since when 1 year is considered "old" for a stainless steel item like that?) I am used to my kitchen utensils, and pans, and dishware and I don’t need them replaced until they are fully worn out or damaged.

I also hate when stuff piles up and takes up all the space in the cabinets, so occasionally I undertake the task of decluttering. I take all the items we don’t use, put them in a box and give it to him to discard or donate only to find the same items mysteriously lurking again in the far corners of the shelve I cleared out just yesterday. Now that is truly a mad-stuff disease: new stuff comes in and old stuff doesn’t come out. And if only those were the things that we needed: for some reason his focus is on a specific group of things (pans, silverware, dishes), whereas there are items for the house that were on our to-get list for years.

The problem is we see it differently. What is cluttering to me, he perceives as “buying things for the home”. So I come out as a bitch, complaining about my saint of a husband who works so hard to make our kitchen a better place. I tried to go nice about it, thank him for “the wonderful purchases” and hint that maybe we are good for now only to be presented with a new set of pans a couple of weeks later. I tried to be honest and bring up the issue of clutter but he would get offended and won’t talk to me for days because I don’t appreciate his efforts. I tried to divert his attention to other areas, such as a hole in the ceiling from a leaking pipe that has been covered with cardboard for 1.5 years now. But the issue remains, and so does the ceiling hole. And of course he refuses to acknowledge that his shopping spree takes place on days when he is especially stressed out at work and finds his refuge at the local Kohl’s store. 

I try to stay calm and tell myself that at least he doesn’t go to Atlantic City or a fancy electronics store to seek a few hours of oblivion (and part with a few hundred if not thousand dollars). I just hate to see my favorite kitchenware gone, replaced with new alien items that take getting used to. And since I’m the one who does all the cooking, I see it as intrusion into my sacred realm. It’s just one example of gaps in our communication, when no matter how I approach it, he doesn't get my point. So at the end of the day I’m always the bad guy unless I thank him profusely for yet another grater added to my expansive collection… Should I consider turning them into lanterns like in that photo I found?

Do Men Feel Guilty?

I know he is feeling guilty after an especially bad fight when he stuffs the fridge with all the things I love. There’s literally not a single inch of vacant space left on the fridge shelf. That is his way of saying “I’m sorry” when he is afraid to approach me with words. And I appreciate this remorseful act, I’m relieved that at least he is still capable of compassion when he hurts me. Because nothing is worse than the cold brushing off, moving on like nothing happened after penetrating my heart with long thorny insults and accusations.

Men don’t like living with guilt, they are a poor match for the feeling. When forced to acknowledge, accept and apologize for their wrong doings, they get all defensive and twist facts to leave the battle field unscathed. “You provoked me! If you don’t like it, it’s your problem! I am what I am and I’m not going to change”. Yet somehow it is important for me to get through his defense shield and make him face the aftermath of the damage he caused with his careless words and attitude. I need him to know I’m hurting. If I hide my feelings, swallow all bitter pills he feeds me without complaining, he will think – it’s not a big deal, she is not that frail so no need to treat her with care.

I find my ways to deliver the message, to make him feel guilty but also leave the door open for him to fix what he broke. I know that the guilty feeling will soon enough transform into anger so once he “gets it”, I soften up and let him make it up to me. And I appreciate every step he takes forward, and thank him for the treats in our fridge, and for being nice and gentle to me just the way I like it. I help him deal with his guilt as long as he acknowledges it first. I’m not pressing too hard so it’s his turn to feel grateful. I grant him my sweet forgiveness so next time he is less stubborn and apologizes sooner. Or better, thinks more carefully before hurting me again.

When Being Married Hurts

The scary thing about any problematic marriage is that you have less and less desire to put an effort. You know exactly what things to say or steps to take to ease the tension, to restore peace, to be on friendly terms again despite all the mean things you said to each other when you both lost control during that last fight. You just don’t feel like bothering with all the proven tactics. You don’t feel like fighting any more. You know that after working so hard to make up, to make things better will come the time when one careless word will cause the domino effect and everything will go to hell. And you will hit each other with harsh words again, and you won’t probably regret it as much as you used to.

That’s what scares me, this feeling of being so burnt out emotionally, so drained having fight after fight that I don’t see the point in saving anything. My analytical mind knows all those solutions available since there are still plenty – I could have said this, or done that – but suddenly there’s an inner barrier, this stubborn feeling, a daring thought (however self-destructive it is): I am done trying.

People often leave me comments that have one thing in common: lack of hope. And there’s always hope that life will take a new, better turn, and oftentimes this hope is within arm’s reach. It’s just that many of us stop at some point and refuse to take another step forward, even if life depends on it. Because we are tired to feel like a donkey that follows a carrot on a stick: we solve one problem thinking that our marriage has just improved because we are more compassionate, or supportive, or better listeners, cooks, lovers, etc. but more issues come up turning it into a never ending "taking off" process, where it's been years and we are still not flying...

I haven’t written here lately, things have worsened between us, there hasn’t been any positive experience or development in the past 3-4 months, that would inspire me to say something to inspire others, to offer advice or hope. But you know what’s the worst thought of all? When I think: maybe it wasn’t destined for me… Not meant to be (how much I hate these words). We all deserve to be happy in love. The minute we lose belief in it, light goes out in our eyes and we turn into pathetic losers, convinced that Universe has nothing left in store for them. So, dear friends, you may find me unhappy but not beaten, desperate but not hopeless, unloved but not unloveable ;)

I Can't Stand My Husband

I think all wives say (or at least think) that at some point in their married life. Probably even more than once. These moments come and go like tidal waves. But once this emotional tsunami hits you, it can be really hard to deal with the moment up to the point you feel like you will never go back to your normal way of thinking.  

In my case what really surprises me is that we can have these really big ugly fights and it won’t bother me that much, because I know that eventually we’ll make up and there’s no need to overburden myself with excessive thinking. On ‘war’ days I just turn off the switch and ignore his existence as well as our co-existence. But then I get this intense feeling of “I can’t stand this man, how the hell did I end up with him?” on the most innocent occasions when things are peaceful between us. It can be his embarrassing behavior in public that will spark the sudden disgust, the desire to denounce any affiliation with this man. Or it can be his stupid remark on things of which he has little understanding but still acts like he is an expert. Or his bad manners, which no amount of preaching and begging on my side can fix. All of a sudden I would get such a strong reaction to an almost innocent act or comment of his that it takes up all the space in my head and pushes out every positive thought that was there before. .

 

I know it’s best to ride it out, to let these moments pass, which they always do. Because If I speak up and let him know about my annoyance, he feels all hurt – “you always have to criticize me, don’t you?” And I end up feeling bad about my own bitchiness, and that no one is perfect, and that it’s probably PMS messing with my nerves… It takes some serious mental work to deal with these “I can’t stand him” moments. 

I lost count of all the occasions when he made me feel angry, annoyed, frustrated or outraged. These moments add up to the overall feeling of dissatisfaction: it’s like eating the dish you like but because someone put this one spice you absolutely can’t stand, you don’t enjoy the dish anymore since the spice is all that stands out. It scares me how under the influence of a moment I can wipe out all the good memories and positive feelings and succumb to a strong desire to criticize if not push him away. 

It’s important to differentiate between two very different levels of annoyance: when you can’t stand moments and when you can’t stand him 100% of the time. There is a way to learn self-control and practice tolerance if dark episodes are followed by happy, light moments. If you feel that however imperfect and at times annoying he is, your husband is still your support, your best friend, someone you need to keep going about life, you can downplay his not-so-successful acts. And that’s how I feel most of the time: he is the only person who is out there for me no matter what. I feel ashamed after “telling him off” for embarrassing (from my point of view) public behavior: why should I even care what others think? They don’t know his other side, his warmth or his strength that I myself lack at times. How quick we are to forget the good, and even quicker to notice the bad. So if I absolutely have to comment on those annoying habits, I approach it with humor and we both have a good laugh. It wasn’t such a big deal after all, I was just over reacting. But if every moment of your shared living has turned into absolute darkness, if you feel utterly relieved when he is not around, if you feel good about yourself only in the presence of other people, then you problems are much deeper. When you come to the conclusion “I can’t stand how much I can’t stand him” and it’s still the same after days or months, then the healthy balance of good moments vs. bad no longer exists and it’s time for more drastic steps.