I Want To Be Loved But Am I Loveable Enough?

We change in marriage. It would probably be proper to say that we relax. The “case” is won, there’s no longer need to be alert every second, try hard to look and sound good. Yet even as we ease into the marital routine, we still long to be loved as much as we were back in the old passionate days of inceptive dating. I don’t mean to question anybody’s lovability – we all deserve love and happiness in this life, but I would argue that in most cases we are to blame for losing our appeal in the eyes of the significant other.

You know it’s time to reverse the change when you realize that you are no longer “the sweet girl” your husband married a number of years ago (or a “loving-caring gentleman” in a guy's case). Your initial defensive reaction would be – he/she made me turn out that way! If I were treated better/loved more, I would still be the sweetest angel one can’t help but adore. But establishing cause and effect relationship here is not as straightforward: are you loved less because you are no longer so loveable or you are less loveable because you are not loved as much?

Why not try being nice and civil regardless the circumstances, be above fighting and the negative emotion display? I caught myself many times thinking: you hurt me and you’ll get the attitude you deserve! And I would stick with the decision making sure to stay gloomy and cranky for days (it takes constant reminding to keep doing that and not switch to accidental cheerfulness). But then something will prompt me to take a step aside, look at myself from a different angle and exclaim in surprise: this is not what I am!

By no means I am suggesting to put up with someone’s crap or ill-treatment and only smile your friendliest smile in return. I only want to warn about falling into a trap of your own negative reactions, when trying too hard to act bitchy you turn into a real b… ah, well, bad woman. It’s vital to differentiate between acting how you feel and feeling and becoming the way you act.

This morning I was upset with my husband, and I had the urge to show him my resentment in full colors. But I didn’t, I chose to be smiley and friendly instead, because that’s the woman I want to be, that’s the woman I am. I want my ability to be loveable to precede anything else because that changes the whole who’s-right-who’s-wrong outcome: it no longer matters. So I see his eyes filled with guilt (I wouldn’t have achieved it with reproach): if I want to raise above the quarrel and stay on nice terms, he now wants to do the same. And in addition he feels guilty but relieved.

When you try to be loveable you dismiss a good number of reasons not to be loved plus you stay in peace with yourself: you did not descend, you did not become that unattractive ever-dissatisfied spouse, even if you had every reason to.