As it is we went to the movies. 8 years later we went to the movies together for the first time. Till the last moment I thought he will bail out of it, but he did come with us. Though he did jump on the work-related call just as we parked the car and were all in the let-the-fun-begin mood. He hated the theater (it did smell kind of nasty). He didn’t like the idea of wearing the glasses even though you can’t watch a 3D movie without them. I volunteered to go get popcorn which he barely touched. And of course of all the people he had the “luck” to sit in front of the boy who kept kicking on his chair, but instead of asking him to stop he just sat there slowly filling up on disdain and anger. And the movie itself was too boring and naïve for his taste. He did laugh a couple of times at odd places. But mostly I just sensed his tension which spread onto me so I couldn’t enjoy a rather enjoyable movie either. I noticed all the annoying things that I successfully ignored before: babies crying, loud ladies with too loud laughter, snacks being unwrapped wits rustle. Then he started checking his phone – I saw no missed calls on the screen. Yet he asked what time the movie ends. Then he suddenly had enough – he walked out in the middle of it saying he will wait for us in the car. I will never believe that sitting in the car can be more enjoyable than sitting in the movie. Yet it was a relief when he left as though he took all the tension with him. I finally got into the movie as I should have from the start and felt the familiar pleasure of being carried away, into another world, another reality.
He barely spoke in the car, though he did ask how we liked the movie. I barely spoke too struggling to accept, embrace, make peace with the fact that I share my life with someone who doesn’t know how to enjoy anything. Dry. Spiteful. Impatient. Always cranky. What I didn’t want to see or fully acknowledge was presented to me in a most bold form. I don’t complain. I probably don’t even have regrets. It is what it is no matter how annoying the phrase is.
I do want to ask – why? And why me? And if there’s hope? And will it change? For now I’m just trying to deflate a little that big balloon of hurt, minimize its effect and, as another beaten-up phrase suggests, focus on the positive. Is wanting to share my unshared life too much to wish for?
4 comments:
Wanting to share your life is not too much to ask. I am a husband who is too tense, so I feel like I can offer some insight. It is funny, my wife works in the medical field(RN soon to be a CRNA) and in life and death situations, I work in marketing, decidedly not life and death, but my job makes me tense, hell most things make me tense. The two things that make me less tense is touch and laughter. My wife is really good about holding my hand and touching me when she senses tension. It usually centers me and makes me calm down. The other thing is laughter. She makes fun of me and it does help point out how silly my stress points are... If your hubby can accept the fact that being annoyed in a movie theater is stupid then he can change. Let's face it, we all like people we know, but we hate the "public". I am constantly thinking that I am more considerate and more polite than everyone else around me, which in turn stresses me out because "the public" is not as considerate. My wife points out to me all the time that I should not go out of my way to be considerate when others do not... Now, I am never rude, but it helps when "the public" fails to make me feel comfortable. There are so many things that other people do that I tolerate, that I would never do because I FEAR that other people would not tolerate. Kids kick chairs, it is in their nature, either say something (which is not the end of the world) or tolerate it. It sounds really simple if you confront it. I would recommend you telling your husband that if he told the child to stop kicking his seat and the kid didn't heed the warning that your husband could easily take the kid in a fight... Because it is funny, a grown man being put out by a child, laugh about it, joke about it, and move forward, because all relationships need that. I am a recovering "stressbucket"(totally just made up that term but it fits) and the only way to move beyond it is a healthy dose of perspective, humility, and humor.
With my perspective and reading your blog, I think your husband really did try to make it a good evening. In his mind I think he thought that getting out of the situation(leaving the theater) was best for everyone. It seems like he is trying to confront his issues, but he is not going to be great at it right out of the gate. Movie theaters are hard for a person who is used to being in control, because nothing is in control. He tried, that should be celebrated, but you should also feel free to give him crap about not confronting a small child... Make it funny, make it something that you and him share. If you give him support and a healthy dose of reality he can get better... Heck, just ask my wife...
good movie
HusBlog,
I thought a lot on your words - "In his mind I think he thought that getting out of the situation(leaving the theater) was best for everyone." It actually didn't occur to me to look at it this way, but you are probably right. I just fear that too much withdrawal from both of us helps avoid conflict yet increases the distance between us. Sometimes a genuine reaction, no matter how much it hurts, is more welcome than trying to guess what's on his (or my) mind.
By the way, we have a lot in common: I also work in the marketing, tend to stress about little worthless things, and appreciate people who use humor to cheer you up! Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts.
Layla,
I really do enjoy (seems an strange word considering some of the content is not so happy, how about enjoy what I learn...) your blog. Please keep writing, it is a great perspective and your commitment to your marriage is awesome! As far as marketing goes, I bet we either work for competitors or the same parent company or hell, both... LOL
Humor really is the best way to deal with hard topics in my opinion because at the end of the day this equation rings true:
Comedy = Tragedy + Time
-TheHusBlog
Post a Comment