So according to this annual study in the UK, priorities have shifted. Being in love is now the #1 requirement for staying happily married. No feelings – no marriage. Just a few generations back it wasn’t that simple to walk away from one’s matrimony. Financial obligations, ‘raising good children’ concern and the reaction of the society were key factors that glued spouses together and made them if not deal, then at least adept to the marital issues, lack of passion being one of them. These days we have enough freedom and personal independence not to put up with things we no longer like or want.
I think the concept of a Better Alternative (I made that up) is to blame. We can have a better anything more and more easily and frequently. Better cell phones and laptops due to never-ending improvements and additional features, better, more reliable cars, home appliances that simplify our already simplified lives even more. You can get an upgrade in virtually every aspect of life, so why not apply it to your marriage. Yes, the union worked well before but now there are wears and tears: why settle for this diminishing value if it’s easier to shop for a new advanced version of Marriage 5.
Well, technology does progress at ridiculous speed: new improved features are added, flaws fixed… But we don’t change like that, we remain human and our flaws stay with us. So if you think that you are heading for a better deal because of all the excitement that a new relationship promises, you want to look back and see how it all started a number of years ago. And where you are now. Because chances are you will be at this point again. And again. As long as you stay on this roller-coaster: fall in love, get married, fall out of love, leave, fall in love again…
Not many people want to work on their marriage any more. We got lazy and spoiled. And discarding old things and replacing them with new, improved ones has never been easier. But in most cases a new relationship means old problems: misunderstanding, under-appreciation, little annoying things we inevitably have to put up with, possibly new bruises and scars in unexplored before areas… It’s impossible to stay madly in love for life, it’s been proven time and again. But working on your relationship is very doable, building it into a strong fort, a solid union which, though it demands certain sacrifices, never fails to give back – that should be the alternative to giving up and moving forward.
May your marriage flourish in 2012!
6 comments:
Whilst I don't doubt that some marriages could be saved if both spouses were willing to make more of an effort, in my experience, the vast majority of couples that are seeking a divorce because they have grown apart will have made significant efforts to save their marriages. Unfortunately, their efforts didn't work and they simply realised that they were no compatible.
I think the blog here is wonderful. The human race has become so familiar with making life easy that often important things become not so meaningful anymore. There will alawys be good reason for divorce, but I have witnessed first hand friends that thought there was better options out there and realized after it was too late that they had what they really wanted and needed all along. Wonderfully written in my opinion. Marriage is hard.. bottom line.
This is good. Our culture values things that are always exciting, always changing, always improving. You're right that change in humans takes place slowly or not at all. When we view others like commodities rather than persons, we begin to think that they should rapidly improve. People are not commodities. We should hold them as intrinsically, not instrumentally valuable and then treat them as such.
I don't know what to do. My husband and I have been married for a year now and all we do is fight. About anything and evertying. But we both hate it. We hate to fight with eachother yet it still happens. Last night I dropped the D bomb. I can't take all of this. Do I really want a divorce, no, but I want us to be happy again. He says I am angry so I am getting help for that. I tell him I don't feel loved and that makes me angry. But he says he won't show he loves me until I stop being angry. I don't know what to do. I feel like I los at everything. Am I the wrong one? Am I ot seeing this whole thing the right way?
I should stress it again that I am not an expert in marital problems... Yet it looks like you both are going in a circle and both are getting tired of it. "I'm angry because he doesn't love me enough, he doesn't love me enough because I am angry". Either of you can take that first step and break the tiresome pattern: the problem is that probably both of your expect the other to do it and neither take any action as a result. Please read this post, it seems to address your particular problem - http://marriageproblemsblog.blogspot.com/2011_02_01_archive.html . Hope you will be able to think things through and take your marriage to a new level.
Hugs,
Layla
Thank you for this! I'll look at this new study. I somehow missed it when it was released.
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