Are You Feeling Unappreciated in Your Marriage?

Even when everything is seemingly well in a long-term relationship or marriage, many partners frequently deal with a vague feeling of dissatisfaction, like something is missing from the picture but they simply cannot grasp what’s at the root of this discontent. It often takes an insignificant event such as a random compliment from a stranger, or playful flirtation from a coworker for it to suddenly hit you: I just felt better about myself than I did for years. Alas, it’s inevitable: taking or being taken for granted is a pretty natural part in the evolution of marriage. The longer you share your lives, the less you marvel at each gesture, comment, act or reaction coming from your partner. It’s both a plus and a minus – you learn to underreact if he or she offends you, whether intentionally or not; you ignore some annoying habits, and you definitely lower your expectations. But along with downplaying the negative comes this habitual unappreciation that can lead to serious consequences, adultery being one of them.

So why is it so painful to feel that you are taken for granted? Because our ego demands recognition, acknowledgment of everything we do and the value we bring to this world. Because we need something to justify our existence. Because we have this desperate need to feel good about ourselves, and when that doesn’t happen, we feel just the opposite and no one wants to deal with low self- esteem and the whole ‘i-am-a-loser’ label. When we are not appreciated at work, or by our kids, or (this is the worst) by our spouses, we are very inclined to stop trying. What’s the point?

Unappreciation in marriage happens in various forms: lack of attention to your looks (you are not attracted to me, you don’t even notice what I wear); your contribution to the family well-being or order (whether it is bringing home your paycheck, cooking or taking your kid to the kids birthday party which you never fail to leave without a headache); your personal qualities (compassion, showing support, good listening skills, adventurous nature or good sense of humor); your sacrifices (I don’t even remember the last time I had a girls-night-out…) And certainly we are all guilty of the same flaw. My husband often complains how no one values enough the long hours he puts at work to make sure our mortgage is paid or endless shopping he does so that our fridge is never empty. I appreciate it, it’s just that most of the time I forget that I do. I don’t voice my appreciation because I’m pretty sure he already knows. And maybe he does but he still needs to hear it. Just like I need to be assured out loud that I am a gorgeous talented perfect wife and mother, that I am the best … at least in his eyes.

It all comes down to mere gratitude. Saying thank you. Giving a praise. Making the other feel good even in little things. It makes me feel good when he compliments the dinner I made, or when he suddenly texts me the “i-miss-you” words in the middle of the day, or tells me I look pretty with my newly-invented hairdo. It gives me calm and confidence when out of the blue he would sigh, “I love you, I don’t know why but I do love you”. It pushes my doubts and disappointment to the level of non-importance.

I don’t like when days go by with him acting like he doesn’t notice me. I hate it when he doesn’t keep his promises, refuses to help me or eats the meal I spent so much time cooking in front of TV. I am hurt when he says I don’t raise our kid the right way. But most of all I suffer on days when he acts like “love is gone” and I am someone he is stuck with, someone he has to tolerate; then I have to chase away the thought that maybe it’s time to move on…

And I know he feels the same way: he needs my reassurance of love; he wants to know that he plays a big role in my life, that without him I’m all lost and helpless. He needs to know that he is the man, the rock, the protector. Because it encourages him to be strong, to love and protect. Too often we underestimate the huge value of showing appreciation and expressing gratitude, we are recklessly greedy with our thank-yous. But unless we work on making appreciation a ubiquitous component of our relationship, there is always a chance it will be sought (and maybe found) elsewhere.

For Better Or Worse

I can be a really awesome wife. Supportive, understanding, gentle, caring – you name it. It’s just that my experience shows that the harder I try, the less my efforts are noticed or appreciated. He thinks that’s the way I should be, that’s what is naturally expected of me and I should carry on playing the role of a perfect wife 24/7. And on my good-wife days he suddenly turns into a very flawed husband – mean, bossy and arrogant. And I become second class.

There are also periods of time when I seriously suck. Not even as a wife, as a person in general. I make zero efforts to curtail my temper, I let my emotions take over and control what I say: I’m annoyed with everyone and everything and I make sure that everyone and everything “get” it. I probably exaggerated just now: I’m not that bad, just human. So I say or do something under the influence of the moment and then feel terribly sorry. But all of a sudden he treats me differently: he actually treats me better when I am worse. He has more patience and forgiveness in him as if to compensate for my temporary inability to be sensible and fair.

So we frequently trade parts: when I give up trying – he tries double hard; when I "invest" into improving our relationship – he alienates himself and increases the distance. How do we get off this seesaw and return to a fair union where both are trying and both are appreciative of the other’s efforts and sacrifices?

When Men Are Mad

Many men are prone to mood swings. So are women but at least we have hormones to blame. And there’s probably some scientific explanation for male tantrums but I’m not interested to explore the causation or the processes involved. I want to understand how to react to those sudden changes in the mood that come out of nowhere and pass as abruptly. It seems like trying to prevent them is useless: sometimes the most harmless comment or action of mine provoke the undesired reaction – he stops talking and acts like he is so offended. Yet frequently, upon digging deeper, I discovered I wasn’t really the cause. I was more of an excuse to vent, the last drop so to say, because something bad happened at work and he was trying to cope but it only took a spark for all the stressing-out to come exploding to the surface.

My dad is very moody, so is my husband; and I notice a sprout of bad-mood-caused-meanness in my son, especially when he is tired or had a bad day at school. I have more patience for my son because he is yet to learn to deal with stress without taking it out on others. I let my mom deal with my dad because his “silent days” affect her more than anyone else. It’s my husband who I have to deal with, but do I?

When I first encountered his mood swings it bothered me a lot. I had to deal with them, I had to do something. And I did try a number of things: asking questions (that only annoyed him more), being all nice and supportive (I didn’t last too long if I saw no reaction from him), confronting him (always ended in a fight yet he barely ever gave out his true reasons so it was a fight about nothing). What made the whole situation worse was that I felt guilty – no matter how many times I would tell myself I did nothing wrong, I still felt like I did. And I wanted to fix it but I didn’t understand what it was that required fixing. That and his contagious glum would make me irritable and at times very miserable.

And then I watched my mom trying “to fix” a similar problem. I saw how her questions “Is something wrong? Did I upset you? Has something happened?” annoyed the crap out of my dad. But I also noticed certain satisfaction: it does feel good to sulk when someone is helping you to feel all righteous about your bad mood by acting guilty.

So I trained myself to withdraw at the first sign of my husband’s mood shift. It can mean shutting up in the middle of a sentence or having dinner in my room all by myself. I leave him alone to sort out whatever it is that’s causing his bad mood. I choose not to be involved, not even think about it - it’s like I go on vacation even though physically I’m still in the house. I don’t engage in guessing what’s going on, or sorting out my recent actions or words. I protect myself because I did nothing wrong to provoke it and even if I did, there’s always a civil way to talk about it.

I think my lack of reaction annoyed him at first: he wanted me to say something so that he could “act out”. But I refused to be a detonator of the forthcoming fight. And he had no choice but to wait till his internal storm subsided and he was back to his true calm self. Then he would talk to me nicely and might even mention why he was so down the previous couple of days. Or he might not and just let it all pass. I leave the choice to him just like I choose not to be a participant or the victim of the mood swings, which, even if it seems like it, have nothing to do with me.