The Destructive Role of Screaming in Marriage

Being noise-sensitive in nature, I am very anti-screaming. I happen to believe that screaming is employed by low-class people simply because they lack proper manners. Kids get to scream because they don’t know how to contain their emotions yet, but we, adults, have more self-discipline and should be able to tackle any conflict in a more civil way than screaming and swearing, right? Yet, I’ve caught myself raising my voice on far too many occasions lately. Those domestic disputes brought to the surface the alarmingly short span of my tolerance. 

The problem is – just like violence causes violence – screaming provokes more screaming. And before you know it, it’s a competition of who can scream the loudest because, apparently, when two people are yelling at each other, they don’t hear much, being too busy thinking of the next accusation to throw in the other’s face. 

Screaming doesn’t get you anywhere, nor does it solve anything. It’s quick to disrupt any sensible thinking and provokes impulsive responses that both parties can later regret. A screaming wife loses respect and affection of her husband, and the more she slips into a screaming mode, the more likely her husband will perceive her as a hysterical woman in general. I doubt my husband will love me more if I turn to yelling on too many occasions, no matter how justified it is. And what’s worse, I will think less of myself, because being anti-something and yet engaging in it on a regular basis causes a tremendous inner conflict. 

Yes, we all tend to lose it at one point or another and succumb to an impulsive desire to scream at the top of our lungs during an argument. And I admit, it makes me feel better, providing some relief to the tension and letting the anger escape rather than ‘choke’ me on the inside. But whereas screaming helps me, it does not help our relationship. It’s the least productive way of communicating, and, other than letting off some steam, has little merit. 

So I acknowledge this new flaw of mine. I realize that, if left unaddressed, it will become my permanent attribute. And I think of ways to prevent it from happening, trying to come up with a strategy and program myself accordingly before the next argument takes place, because the rage will get the best of me. From counting to 10 to leaving the room at the first urge to scream, I need to protect myself from myself when I am at my worst, when I lose control. I’ve witnessed enough couples fighting in public to know that there’s little pleasure in observing your enraged beloved losing face. I don’t want to scream even when I want to scream. But I have to stay mindful about it, else my impulsive side will always win and I will ultimately lose.