Fewer Arguments = More Peace

There would be many more happy families if there were no fights between the spouses. Or if at least the amount of fights went down let’s say by 50%. Sometimes looking back I realize that so many arguments we’ve had with Jonathan were for nothing. Either the subject wasn’t that significant, or in spite of all they screaming everybody remained convinced that they are right and the other side is wrong with no compromise reached. But those fruitless arguments can exhaust you to an extent, that you are ready to declare that you marriage is what makes you miserable and unhappy.

It’s probably impossible to maintain a fight-free marriage because we are so much alive and emotional. In fact participating in an argument is another proof that we still care. However we could learn to be more selective and determine which subject is worth arguing about and when it’s wiser to back off. So if we cut the number of fights by half, it means the increase of the peaceful time in the family. Simple math.

So first you should set a goal and here is and important question: how frequently do you have fights with your spouse? If it happens every day, then set up a goal that it should be every other day. If it happens once a week, try to go 2 weeks without a single argument. Once you define your goals (remember to make them realistic), start thinking about the ways to achieve them.

There are a number of things you can do. But the easiest one is avoidance. If you try to follow some kind of non-argument schedule, according to which you must NOT argue today, you avoid getting involved in a fight all together. If your spouse says something to provoke you, tell him “can we please talk about it tomorrow?” Chances are he will cool down by then and forget all about it. You can also limit your answers to “yes” and “no” to discourage further discussions. Or you may choose “to remain silent”.

You can implement a subject-selective approach, when you come up with a list of subjects which you will not argue about. And since we tend to have repetitive fights over the same things, choose the topics of less importance and refrain from discussing them. It can be things like your spouse’s sloppy and annoying habits, or a political event you tend to disagree on. I have a good example: Jonathan often gets on my nerves by buying things we don’t need and spending money we could have spent elsewhere. So if I choose to make it a taboo topic, we’ll there be any damage? Since he hasn’t changed this habit in spite of numeral attempts on my side to prove its wastefulness, maybe we are both better off to drop the subject once and forever? So it will be helpful to write a list of all the things you argue about, and then check the ones you are willing to drop for the sake of more peace. In fact you may realize that you can agree to disagree on so many topics that under scrutiny appear not that vital.

If you stay determined and stay away from the arguments because they are not in your schedule, you will have to come up with more constructive ways to reach agreement. Maybe you'll become a better listener since you are not "allowed" to answer back. Maybe you will learn to look at things from his perspective. As a peace-keeper of the family (how do you like your new title?), you need to be inventive.

Once you reach the desired goal, set yourself for a new challenge. Are you up for a fight-free month? Year? Life?