Why We Talk And How We Listen

One of the biggest differences between men and women discussed in many relationship publications is why we talk. When men have a problem, they talk it out to find a solution. When women talk about a problem, it’s to vent by expressing their concerns and fears. Men’s talking is aimed to solve, women talk to express themselves and move on.

Understanding this simple concept can eliminate so much misunderstanding in any relationship. If your husband is complaining about a very annoying coworker, try to help him find possible solutions for dealing with a conflict situation. “Honey, you may choose to ignore him or confront him, think what will make you feel better and won’t affect your career in a negative way”. Something like this. You listen, help him see what options are out there ( dare I say men are more narrow-minded and less-creative than women – so frequently they are convinced that there is just one solution to a problem). He appreciates your involvement and advice.

With women it gets a little tricky. I cannot keep things that worry me all to myself – soon enough I will feel like I am ready to explode. Complaining is one of the key strategies of how women deal with daily stress. After all, our stress tolerance level is much lower than that of men, we are more fragile emotionally. The trick is we often complain about things we cannot change. Or things that don’t necessarily make us unhappy, they may just worry us or make us feel insecure.

Let’s say I complain that I don’t feel like going to work. If Jonathan listens, nods and consoles me by saying “it’s ok, honey, the weekend is almost here” or “I know you feel tired” – I instantly feel better. I expressed myself, was heard and understood. Going to work no longer seems to be such a daunting task. But if he tries to find a solution, which is not what I am seeking, and tells me “if you don’t like to work – stay home and be bored” , I don't get my relief - moreover I now feel annoyed, misunderstood and even more miserable.

A friend of mine told me that he is sick of his wife’s complains: he decided to give her whatever she wants even if the outcome will make things worse. She complains that he doesn’t make enough money – he will find a better paid job but with longer hours, so he won’t be home in the evenings to help her with the baby. She wants to go on vacation even though the money is tight – he will wipe out their savings to spend a week in some luxurious resort. Needless to say with this approach they began to fight even more. So I taught him a few phrases for their next conversation on a topic of unfulfilled wishes: “ I know you feel frustrated but things will get better”, “ I am sorry you are upset”, “I appreciate your patience, I will work hard for us to have everything we deserve”. I explained to him the concept of mere listening – no critique or solution-finding. He was beaming the next day – “It worked!”

Maybe your husband too needs a little help to become a better listener. I told mine long ago that I complain for the sake of complaining, it’s what makes me feel better. I make sure to thank him for listening. And if he is on the verge of losing his patience – I tell him that going shopping is my next stress-relieving strategy on the list. So him listening for my nagging and whining for extra 10 minutes will come out cheaper in the end.