Taking a Break to Prevent a Break Up

We go through various periods both in life and in marriage. Sometimes everything goes well, your relationship is blossoming with no visible efforts, you are both understanding and considerate of each other. But there are times when you did nothing seemingly wrong, but things are falling apart. Any trifle could spark a fight, no one is willing to compromise or yield. Astrologists would probably find a decent explanation to such a bad turn of events – the planets took the wrong disposition or something, but no explanation can console you and give you strength to get through the hard times with dignity.

The problem is that things add up, and the conflict is escalating to a point when it breaks into a war. You become enemies and treat each other accordingly. As a rule you no longer remember how it all started or who is to blame – you are caught up in devising new strategies on how to hurt him more. You are thinking of retaliation: I won’t talk to him for the whole week to make him feel lonely; I won’t cook his meals and he’ll realize how he is dependent on me; I will wear sexy provocative clothes to tease him by getting attention from other men.

What you don’t realize is that by engaging in this kind of activities you hurt yourself first. You become “that crazy wife” – scandalous, vicious, bad-tempered. You push back all the good qualities you possess in order to substitute them with the ugly war armor. You lose not only your dignity – you lose yourself in this meaningless battle that will be over one day anyway, leaving devastation but solving nothing.

Sometimes you just need to be above it to preserve your good self. So before you let drag yourself into the starting war, take a break. Let your emotions cool down, let your common sense take control and guidance. Taking a break will allow you to think things over in a calm atmosphere. Refrain from talking to him till you are ready. I still tell Jonathan that my silence is not aimed at hurting him, I just need a break to put my thoughts together, which usually neutralizes his hostility in moments as such. So he lets me have my space, and he has his space too, and we can both finally breathe.

Amazing things happen while you are “on a break” – your feelings metamorphose from extreme negative to confident positive. It goes like this: I hate him, I won’t last with him much longer – I don’t hate him that much but I still feel hurt – there are good things we’ve had together, I begin to remember that – he is the only person who truly cares about me – I miss him. No matter how long your break lasts – exiting it is usually more effortless than you’ve anticipated. Since most of the negative feelings are gone, taking that first step to establishing the truce seems easy and natural. Chances are he feels the same way, re-energized by the quiet time off he had. And he probably missed you too, even if you were in the same house all this time, but each in their own space. Little by little you restore your relationship, and it’s easier to do so when there is no devastation that a real war would cause. You are careful with your words and deeds.

Many couples split multiple times but keep getting back together. But you can take a break being under the same roof: minimum talking, pretend he’s not there, do your things. You will know exactly when it’s time to start patching things up again: you won’t feel forced to compromise, you will have a strong desire to do that.

Fewer Arguments = More Peace

There would be many more happy families if there were no fights between the spouses. Or if at least the amount of fights went down let’s say by 50%. Sometimes looking back I realize that so many arguments we’ve had with Jonathan were for nothing. Either the subject wasn’t that significant, or in spite of all they screaming everybody remained convinced that they are right and the other side is wrong with no compromise reached. But those fruitless arguments can exhaust you to an extent, that you are ready to declare that you marriage is what makes you miserable and unhappy.

It’s probably impossible to maintain a fight-free marriage because we are so much alive and emotional. In fact participating in an argument is another proof that we still care. However we could learn to be more selective and determine which subject is worth arguing about and when it’s wiser to back off. So if we cut the number of fights by half, it means the increase of the peaceful time in the family. Simple math.

So first you should set a goal and here is and important question: how frequently do you have fights with your spouse? If it happens every day, then set up a goal that it should be every other day. If it happens once a week, try to go 2 weeks without a single argument. Once you define your goals (remember to make them realistic), start thinking about the ways to achieve them.

There are a number of things you can do. But the easiest one is avoidance. If you try to follow some kind of non-argument schedule, according to which you must NOT argue today, you avoid getting involved in a fight all together. If your spouse says something to provoke you, tell him “can we please talk about it tomorrow?” Chances are he will cool down by then and forget all about it. You can also limit your answers to “yes” and “no” to discourage further discussions. Or you may choose “to remain silent”.

You can implement a subject-selective approach, when you come up with a list of subjects which you will not argue about. And since we tend to have repetitive fights over the same things, choose the topics of less importance and refrain from discussing them. It can be things like your spouse’s sloppy and annoying habits, or a political event you tend to disagree on. I have a good example: Jonathan often gets on my nerves by buying things we don’t need and spending money we could have spent elsewhere. So if I choose to make it a taboo topic, we’ll there be any damage? Since he hasn’t changed this habit in spite of numeral attempts on my side to prove its wastefulness, maybe we are both better off to drop the subject once and forever? So it will be helpful to write a list of all the things you argue about, and then check the ones you are willing to drop for the sake of more peace. In fact you may realize that you can agree to disagree on so many topics that under scrutiny appear not that vital.

If you stay determined and stay away from the arguments because they are not in your schedule, you will have to come up with more constructive ways to reach agreement. Maybe you'll become a better listener since you are not "allowed" to answer back. Maybe you will learn to look at things from his perspective. As a peace-keeper of the family (how do you like your new title?), you need to be inventive.

Once you reach the desired goal, set yourself for a new challenge. Are you up for a fight-free month? Year? Life?

He is Wrong

Men are supposed to be strong, so in a difficult moment they could support and console us. But many men I’ve met have this peculiar weakness – they are not capable of taking the blame. It’s back-breaking for them to an extent, that they will try to put the blame on someone else’s shoulders. Someone who happens to be nearby, involved in their life one way or another. Most of the time they will blame it all on their wives.

They manage to disguise it so that we’ll think we are totally guilty. It usually happens as follows: he screwed up badly at work and his boss is giving him a hard time. He comes home in a bad mood. He doesn’t like what you cooked for dinner. He expresses his opinion in a such a rude way – that you answer back, so here is the beginning of a very heated argument. He will remind you of all the things that you’ve ever done wrong. He will call you a bad wife, himself – a victim, your marriage – a failure. You’ll run away in tears, three days of non-talking will follow, and then somehow things will get back to normal. He might even apologize but most likely he will just act like nothing really happened.

And you will keep asking yourself: why did I have to go through all this pain, and suffering, and tears, and gray hair added. If he is still with me – then I am not such a bad wife after all?

The problem is you are always taken aback when something like this happens. Yesterday things were perfectly fine, but today the crisis came out of nowhere. We are not always aware of the true reasons behind our husbands’ sudden rage. Occasionally, once we make up, I would ask Jonathan if something happened at work that upset him so much. And he will tell me all about it and why he was so stressed. But I will learn about it AFTER, and until that I will be going crazy with self-analysis – what I did wrong and how I should fix it.

So here is the solution: 1. Remind yourself when something like that happens out of the blue – it’s probably not your fault, you will find out the cause later, when things cool down. 2. Don’t let him drag you into the argument – no matter how hard he tries to provoke you. 3. Don’t bother to answer him or make excuses: he won’t hear you anyway. 4. That’s a hard one – no matter what he says, remain nice to him and ignore his insults; this will calm down his rage and make him realize that hurting you is not a way out. He will appreciate it later on, trust me on this one.