Communication Problems in Marriage Part II

And again I was responding to one of the reader's comments and it came out too long, so I might as well publish my thoughts as a separate post to continue with the "communication problems" topic.

Here's the similar experience of another struggling wife:

"I wish I could get my husband to have one of those "productive hearty talks." *sigh* It's been a week since our last fight (my husband sounds a lot like yours--a small spark and he erupts) He yelled at me until he suddenly retreated to his room and hasn't spoken to me since. So, even though I agree that having no communication this week has kept us from having a fight, it gets to a point where I feel a need to talk about what happened (Without him yelling at me). My husband just keeps things inside until he has forgotten about them enough that one day, magically, he acts like the past week (or month) has never happened. "


Big sigh in return... It's all too familiar. Just last Saturday my husband got upset with me about something, said a few harsh things and rushed out of the house without breakfast, as if he couldn’t bear to stay there with me another second. I was beating myself the whole day trying to think what I did wrong. I was considering calling him up to confront him what exactly made him so unhappy but I sensed he would evade the answers. I felt down as well as guilty – just didn’t know what for. But then I thought – his reaction is his problem. It’s still the same me, I am not a bad person and even if I did do something wrong, it wasn’t of the magnitude enough for someone to start despising me. There isn’t less of me even if someone's attitude implied otherwise. And I didn't become "unworthy" even though I almost felt the inclination to feel so. But I fought the negative thoughts and I carried on as usual, with my chin lifted, and my dignity, slightly dented, by all in all intact.

Maybe your husband can sense your urge to talk and deliberately avoids it because of that? Or maybe he needs time and space to cool off? Regardless his intentions and reasons, try to protect yourself first. Think of your arguments and best way to present them, in case he is ready to talk soon. But also think of the ways to distract yourself if he isn’t. Keep busy with other things. Right now you play by his terms but you can absolutely reverse that. Tell yourself that you are beautiful, smart and loveable, and no one can take it from you. And then act like it. I don’t mean arrogant, more like friendly but with dignity. Men are often like kids – trying out different reactions to test your limits. And sometimes they charge their ego on your neediness, which every fight emphasizes even more. Being the same cool you no matter what will discourage them to experiment too much.

We also have a lot of “buried” arguments, that are forgotten without being resolved. Sometimes we want different things so I accept his reluctance to talk and don’t push it. But I do have a “discussion” in my head, where I get to state all my reasons and then make the imaginary "court" declare me 100% right and “clear me of all the charges”. And knowing that I was right makes me feel better and more lenient towards the defeated side ;)

Thank you so much for your comment, it's always interesting to learn about couples having similar issues and how they are dealing with them.