Communication Problems in Marriage

I don’t know about you, but we keep most of our thoughts to ourselves. As much as they (marriage counselors) advise communication to keep your relationship functioning, to us it tends to backfire. It’s like living in the highly-flammable atmosphere and one spark is enough to set off a blast. And neither of us like dealing with the aftermath. It’s hard to say why communicating isn’t always working for us. Maybe we are too different and operate in frequencies that have little in common. Or maybe we are too alike: two stubborn mules that refuse to accept that the other is right. And probably there isn’t enough room for both of our over-sized egos. Even when we try to talk out whatever problems we have, we end up fighting. And what’s really frustrating is that neither of really attempts to listen, to hear the other side: we choose to presume that the “other’s” perspective cannot coexist with “mine”.

So I felt more and more convinced that silence can be a helpful device, for our relationship in particular. I even wrote a post on that last week, just didn’t have time to edit and publish it. And I am glad I didn’t because yesterday we had one of those productive hearty talks that brought the long-sought relief to both of us. It concerned raising our son: he felt too alienated from the process, I felt too overburdened, like he left me to deal with it alone and I wasn’t always successful. He showed me his side of things and how deep his pain was, and I showed him mine. There was no equilibrium and everyone suffered, just in the opposite way. And this mutual suffering, when heard out and acknowledged, made us even. We were both victims and we were both guilty of doing things the wrong way, which made us realize that we are not enemies. We are in the same boat and it takes everyone’s effort to keep the balance and make it float.

It’s always easier to withdraw, to avoid intense discussions because we believe that it’s the best way to avoid pain. But those unanswered questions and unexpressed concerns only pile up inside. They make you angry, the kind of subconscious anger you no longer know the roots of, because you let things clutter for too long. I know that sometimes I have to force myself to communicate, and many times I fail, but the benefit of clearing things cannot compare to hiding them deep inside, hoping that they will resolve on their own.