Dropping the D-Bomb – is it in Your Marital Strategy?

I’m a man of my word. Well, it’s actually a woman, to be more precise, but the concept stays the same – I don’t say things I don’t intend to actually do. I don’t utilize empty threats. And I certainly don’t make promises I won’t be able to fulfill (or at least I add “I will try” so as to leave some room for legitimate failure). In 9 years of our marriage I never said “let’s get divorced”. A number of times I did get close to a point when I desperately wanted out. I would think to myself: if I stay in this relationship for another minute, I will lose my sanity. But I learned to ride out these moments of hitting the bottom. There is no such thing as permanent hopelessness – it’s in our nature to keep hoping, to look up and seek light, even if from the depth of a huge black hole that sucked us in momentarily. And it does get better – every storm ends sooner or later. And I don’t have to regret saying things I didn’t mean.

He drops the d-bomb with stoical regularity - I would think he should know better by this time. I admit there were moments especially at the beginning of our relationship when I BELIEVED HIM. I let despair grab hold of me – this is it! It’s the end! How can it be? I would send my mind on an endless marathon of questioning all the things I could still do to prevent the disaster from happening, to save our marriage. Alas, my brilliant marriage-saving strategies never got to be implemented because apparently he didn’t mean it. Of course his words meant to hurt me but not to be supported by the real action.

So getting a d-ultimatum is not life-threatening but obviously pretty annoying, especially if it becomes a habitual ritual of ending each and every fight. So I came up with a way to reverse things and turn black into white. I would silently accept his plea for divorce and even mentally give it to him. Hurray! I am a free woman now! Even if the fight is still happening, I turn my back on him and go about my business – why waste time on an 'ex'? I am a free woman now and there are things to do in my new free life. I can start off by celebrating my freedom for example. I should get myself a bottle of wine and toast to a life of eternally good mood since there will be no one to spoil it. Or I can indulge in some celebratory shopping. Let your imagination rule for a while, dream about all the wonderful things you can do now. Be relieved you are finally free!

It’s only a mental game but it has the much needed power to distract you, to pull you out from your misery (which by the way is as imaginary as your game is). Yet we always let our imagination take the negative route, instead of directing it along the positive path. And maybe if instead of finding ruins where the d-bomb was dropped, he discovers a new independent and flourishing woman, if instead of seeing you devastated he witnesses a positive transformation, he will opt to get rid of his heavy weapons due to their ineffectiveness.Not getting the reaction he wants should make him reconsider his "fighting methods".

Do not underestimate the power of mental games and self-persuasion! Help yourself be in control of your emotions. Act free, feel free, be free.