Married and Have a Crush?

Do you think it’s wrong to have a crush on someone if you are happily (and even not-so happily) married? But maybe the question should be - can you help it? Can you help this feeling of excitement when you notice that someone gives you affectionate gazes that make your heart race and push all the daily problems to the realm of insignificance? It can be unethical. It’s probably immoral. But it’s also very likely to be humanly normal if not healthy.

I’ve accepted long ago that I’m one of those people who constantly has a “slight” crush on someone… well, new… I tried to go in denial the first couple of years after we got married. I played the role of a devoted wife, avoiding as much as looking at other men with untypical enthusiasm. But I was beginning to feel less like a woman, but more like a genderless person. A “dried apricot” is the expression I came across in one book. My husband’s attention and adoration were declining too (naturally) and I felt like I was disappearing. That totally changed when I got a stalker (a weird story of a guy falling for a mom with a stroller, shabby clothes and no makeup on). I wouldn’t think of a better way to shake things up, to shake myself up than having an admirer. Makeup was back on, and clothes shopping jumped up on the list of priorities. I didn’t even like the guy, he wasn’t a creep, probably just a lonely sole, but I was more fascinated with the idea that he liked ME! Apparently, I was still very much likeable. I almost felt sorry when we moved from that neighborhood so I “tossed” the stranger who would wait for me in the park on a regular basis.

But that was the beginning, or resurrection, of my secret life, when I embraced that side of me that has a constant need to be slightly in love with someone other than my husband. I let it be because if this is who I am, I doubt I can change that. But I make sure I’m in control and never let it affect my reality, my family, my attitude. Every time I have a new crush (mostly it’s at work where similar things happen to almost everyone these days), I indulge in a wave of exciting emotions, I devour feeling more alive and welcome this sudden desire to look more attractive, to talk with more charm. And if things get more dramatical than I would want, if emotions are too strong and threaten to escape my control and strike back, I think back and recollect all the similar mini-dramas that took place in the past number of years, and how they all proved meaningless in the end.

I know what’s at stake. My family is all I have and no momentary pleasure can justify ruining the best thing life has given me. It’s my base-camp, my stability, my shelter from life blows because only with my family I can be myself. I’ve always been faithful and I believe that a little bit of daydreaming will not hurt anyone as long as it’s only happening in my head. Moreover, because I know it might happen, I won’t be taken off guard, I’m always prepared to contain the damage while it’s still invisible. I'm very determined not to let phantasy and reality mingle.