I Want To Be Loved But Am I Loveable Enough?

We change in marriage. It would probably be proper to say that we relax. The “case” is won, there’s no longer need to be alert every second, try hard to look and sound good. Yet even as we ease into the marital routine, we still long to be loved as much as we were back in the old passionate days of inceptive dating. I don’t mean to question anybody’s lovability – we all deserve love and happiness in this life, but I would argue that in most cases we are to blame for losing our appeal in the eyes of the significant other.

You know it’s time to reverse the change when you realize that you are no longer “the sweet girl” your husband married a number of years ago (or a “loving-caring gentleman” in a guy's case). Your initial defensive reaction would be – he/she made me turn out that way! If I were treated better/loved more, I would still be the sweetest angel one can’t help but adore. But establishing cause and effect relationship here is not as straightforward: are you loved less because you are no longer so loveable or you are less loveable because you are not loved as much?

Why not try being nice and civil regardless the circumstances, be above fighting and the negative emotion display? I caught myself many times thinking: you hurt me and you’ll get the attitude you deserve! And I would stick with the decision making sure to stay gloomy and cranky for days (it takes constant reminding to keep doing that and not switch to accidental cheerfulness). But then something will prompt me to take a step aside, look at myself from a different angle and exclaim in surprise: this is not what I am!

By no means I am suggesting to put up with someone’s crap or ill-treatment and only smile your friendliest smile in return. I only want to warn about falling into a trap of your own negative reactions, when trying too hard to act bitchy you turn into a real b… ah, well, bad woman. It’s vital to differentiate between acting how you feel and feeling and becoming the way you act.

This morning I was upset with my husband, and I had the urge to show him my resentment in full colors. But I didn’t, I chose to be smiley and friendly instead, because that’s the woman I want to be, that’s the woman I am. I want my ability to be loveable to precede anything else because that changes the whole who’s-right-who’s-wrong outcome: it no longer matters. So I see his eyes filled with guilt (I wouldn’t have achieved it with reproach): if I want to raise above the quarrel and stay on nice terms, he now wants to do the same. And in addition he feels guilty but relieved.

When you try to be loveable you dismiss a good number of reasons not to be loved plus you stay in peace with yourself: you did not descend, you did not become that unattractive ever-dissatisfied spouse, even if you had every reason to.

Stick with Reality

Returning home late last night, I took a taxi and was thoroughly entertained by the extremely chatty Mexican driver. He told me all about his life, his jobs, past and present, his upcoming divorce (“that’s life”, he sighed), and his 4 grown children. Then, probably in gratitude for my good listening, he switched to questioning me. “Are you married?” – “Yes”. – “Kids?” – “Yes, one.” – “Husband… good?” (like you can answer that in one word) – “Well, some days good, some days not so good.” ( I actually managed to come up with this very truthful answer) – “If husband no good – leave him”.

There it is. You hear a different variation of this solution to all marital problems all throughout your married life. Your mom says, “You could do better”. Your girlfriends hint, “find someone else, there's plenty of fish in the sea”. I should call it a walk-away approach. Like the earth is inhabited by princes and I was unfortunate to pick the only (well, one of the few) ugly toad. All I have to do now is wake up from this enchanted sleep and fall straight into the arms of the most noble flawless insanely-gorgeous male creature, patiently waiting on the steps of my castl... I mean suburban house.

And why exactly do I deserve to live side by side with this Mister Perfection? I don’t mean to depreciate myself, I think I have a rather healthy self-esteem whereas I accept that I am just human with all the imperfections that are inevitably a part of human nature. I would feel extremely bad for the Prince having to endure my usual morning sourness, somehow I feel my husband is better fit for the job for he knows I will pay him back by tolerating his occasional moodiness.

So I want to say to all my dear well-wishers: instead of chasing elusive promises of a better life with a better person, or dreaming of a phantom ideal relationship, I would rather try to dig for more hidden treasure in my imperfect husband, who happens to be the only man present in my nonfictional life.

Ever After

"It is only possible to live happily-ever-after on a day-to-day basis."
Margaret Bonnano

So if the whole “happily ever after concept” is utopia, how can we keep on going once this huge disappointing discovery shows its face? The first months (for some even years) of marriage are all sunshine, and rainbow, and star shower; but as it progresses further, we get more and more cloudy days, with occasional storms that leave a lot of destruction and devastation behind. Some days are so foggy we can barely see what’s around and opt to hide inside till the surroundings clear up. And sometimes you are forced to live in the longest polar night and you forget how it feels to see the light…

I used to believe that strong beginnings provide you with extra strength in the rough times: you can lean on the best of your memories and persuade yourself that if happiness was possible back then, why not replicate it now with minor adjustments? What an erroneous notion: you can only ride shortly on the quickly evaporating fuel made of blissful memories. Very soon your matrimonial vehicle will need new gas, the fact that you filled up the tank years ago won’t be good enough.

Only today matters. And every day is a new today. You might still care about yesterday, you can go as far as the past week with your appreciation, but you are very unlikely to care what happened a month ago. You can’t feel the same way you felt back then, the past emotions get buried under an avalanche of all the new feelings you incurred since then.

It’s disastrous to think that you will give more effort to your relationship next month/year, or when you have more time, or when you are out of a major bout of depression, or when a daunting project is completed at work, or when the kids get a little older and don’t need as much of your attention, or when you are in a better financial state. Only today matters. You might not have the most advantageous conditions to patch things up but you need to make the best of what you’ve got today. Operating on limited resources is a challenge but it provokes enough efficiency and inventiveness to make that shift you’ve been hoping would happen on its own. You need to work on a daily dose of marital happiness: you are the writer, the producer and the actor of the script called “MY happily ever after”. It’s in the small things - in extra attention you’ve ignored to show before, in affection that ignites a sleeping heart, in words that express love, hope, happiness – all the good things that could be happening in your marriage if you pushed the disagreement and hurt feelings to the background and brought the positive to the front.