Trivial Issues in Marriage with Serious Consequences

I often feel like in my marriage I gravitate between two opposite poles. One is when things are really good between us, but we seem to be pulled in that direction less and less frequently. The other is when our relationship is a complete disaster and nothing makes sense. Like I said, I barely reach the “coast of happiness” any more, and getting to the wrong side makes me so utterly depressed and miserable, that I try to get away from it as fast as possible and stay in neutral waters, where things are neither good, nor bad, they just are. Unfortunately, lately even staying in the neutral zone has been so much work. Our communication reminds me of playing the Minesweeper: no matter how slowly you move or how well you calculate every step, you are bound to hit the mine and all the previously done work is blown off, and you have to start over. 

I’m not sure I even possess the right level of diplomacy to communicate my point without sounding offensive. He’s been offended by the smallest remarks latterly (since when did he learn to be so sensitive, used to be my thing) and I constantly feel like I’m walking on eggshells. 

So here's our seemingly trivial issue - his obsession with shopping, which is driving me crazy. I try to under-react when he buys more shirts or pairs of socks than he could possibly wear, but I totally lose it when he brings home 10 shopping bags full of stuff for the kitchen. I hate clutter and fight with it relentlessly. And considering kitchen my kingdom, I hate seeing it cluttered with stuff we never use. Yesterday I exploded when he bought another veggie grater for me – because it’s the 4^th grater he has got this year. And four graters take up half the shelf in my kitchen cabinet. But when I asked why would I need yet another grater, his response is - to replace the old one. And that’s what pisses me off, I love my old grater! (since when 1 year is considered "old" for a stainless steel item like that?) I am used to my kitchen utensils, and pans, and dishware and I don’t need them replaced until they are fully worn out or damaged.

I also hate when stuff piles up and takes up all the space in the cabinets, so occasionally I undertake the task of decluttering. I take all the items we don’t use, put them in a box and give it to him to discard or donate only to find the same items mysteriously lurking again in the far corners of the shelve I cleared out just yesterday. Now that is truly a mad-stuff disease: new stuff comes in and old stuff doesn’t come out. And if only those were the things that we needed: for some reason his focus is on a specific group of things (pans, silverware, dishes), whereas there are items for the house that were on our to-get list for years.

The problem is we see it differently. What is cluttering to me, he perceives as “buying things for the home”. So I come out as a bitch, complaining about my saint of a husband who works so hard to make our kitchen a better place. I tried to go nice about it, thank him for “the wonderful purchases” and hint that maybe we are good for now only to be presented with a new set of pans a couple of weeks later. I tried to be honest and bring up the issue of clutter but he would get offended and won’t talk to me for days because I don’t appreciate his efforts. I tried to divert his attention to other areas, such as a hole in the ceiling from a leaking pipe that has been covered with cardboard for 1.5 years now. But the issue remains, and so does the ceiling hole. And of course he refuses to acknowledge that his shopping spree takes place on days when he is especially stressed out at work and finds his refuge at the local Kohl’s store. 

I try to stay calm and tell myself that at least he doesn’t go to Atlantic City or a fancy electronics store to seek a few hours of oblivion (and part with a few hundred if not thousand dollars). I just hate to see my favorite kitchenware gone, replaced with new alien items that take getting used to. And since I’m the one who does all the cooking, I see it as intrusion into my sacred realm. It’s just one example of gaps in our communication, when no matter how I approach it, he doesn't get my point. So at the end of the day I’m always the bad guy unless I thank him profusely for yet another grater added to my expansive collection… Should I consider turning them into lanterns like in that photo I found?

Do Men Feel Guilty?

I know he is feeling guilty after an especially bad fight when he stuffs the fridge with all the things I love. There’s literally not a single inch of vacant space left on the fridge shelf. That is his way of saying “I’m sorry” when he is afraid to approach me with words. And I appreciate this remorseful act, I’m relieved that at least he is still capable of compassion when he hurts me. Because nothing is worse than the cold brushing off, moving on like nothing happened after penetrating my heart with long thorny insults and accusations.

Men don’t like living with guilt, they are a poor match for the feeling. When forced to acknowledge, accept and apologize for their wrong doings, they get all defensive and twist facts to leave the battle field unscathed. “You provoked me! If you don’t like it, it’s your problem! I am what I am and I’m not going to change”. Yet somehow it is important for me to get through his defense shield and make him face the aftermath of the damage he caused with his careless words and attitude. I need him to know I’m hurting. If I hide my feelings, swallow all bitter pills he feeds me without complaining, he will think – it’s not a big deal, she is not that frail so no need to treat her with care.

I find my ways to deliver the message, to make him feel guilty but also leave the door open for him to fix what he broke. I know that the guilty feeling will soon enough transform into anger so once he “gets it”, I soften up and let him make it up to me. And I appreciate every step he takes forward, and thank him for the treats in our fridge, and for being nice and gentle to me just the way I like it. I help him deal with his guilt as long as he acknowledges it first. I’m not pressing too hard so it’s his turn to feel grateful. I grant him my sweet forgiveness so next time he is less stubborn and apologizes sooner. Or better, thinks more carefully before hurting me again.

When Being Married Hurts

The scary thing about any problematic marriage is that you have less and less desire to put an effort. You know exactly what things to say or steps to take to ease the tension, to restore peace, to be on friendly terms again despite all the mean things you said to each other when you both lost control during that last fight. You just don’t feel like bothering with all the proven tactics. You don’t feel like fighting any more. You know that after working so hard to make up, to make things better will come the time when one careless word will cause the domino effect and everything will go to hell. And you will hit each other with harsh words again, and you won’t probably regret it as much as you used to.

That’s what scares me, this feeling of being so burnt out emotionally, so drained having fight after fight that I don’t see the point in saving anything. My analytical mind knows all those solutions available since there are still plenty – I could have said this, or done that – but suddenly there’s an inner barrier, this stubborn feeling, a daring thought (however self-destructive it is): I am done trying.

People often leave me comments that have one thing in common: lack of hope. And there’s always hope that life will take a new, better turn, and oftentimes this hope is within arm’s reach. It’s just that many of us stop at some point and refuse to take another step forward, even if life depends on it. Because we are tired to feel like a donkey that follows a carrot on a stick: we solve one problem thinking that our marriage has just improved because we are more compassionate, or supportive, or better listeners, cooks, lovers, etc. but more issues come up turning it into a never ending "taking off" process, where it's been years and we are still not flying...

I haven’t written here lately, things have worsened between us, there hasn’t been any positive experience or development in the past 3-4 months, that would inspire me to say something to inspire others, to offer advice or hope. But you know what’s the worst thought of all? When I think: maybe it wasn’t destined for me… Not meant to be (how much I hate these words). We all deserve to be happy in love. The minute we lose belief in it, light goes out in our eyes and we turn into pathetic losers, convinced that Universe has nothing left in store for them. So, dear friends, you may find me unhappy but not beaten, desperate but not hopeless, unloved but not unloveable ;)

I Can't Stand My Husband

I think all wives say (or at least think) that at some point in their married life. Probably even more than once. These moments come and go like tidal waves. But once this emotional tsunami hits you, it can be really hard to deal with the moment up to the point you feel like you will never go back to your normal way of thinking.  

In my case what really surprises me is that we can have these really big ugly fights and it won’t bother me that much, because I know that eventually we’ll make up and there’s no need to overburden myself with excessive thinking. On ‘war’ days I just turn off the switch and ignore his existence as well as our co-existence. But then I get this intense feeling of “I can’t stand this man, how the hell did I end up with him?” on the most innocent occasions when things are peaceful between us. It can be his embarrassing behavior in public that will spark the sudden disgust, the desire to denounce any affiliation with this man. Or it can be his stupid remark on things of which he has little understanding but still acts like he is an expert. Or his bad manners, which no amount of preaching and begging on my side can fix. All of a sudden I would get such a strong reaction to an almost innocent act or comment of his that it takes up all the space in my head and pushes out every positive thought that was there before. .

 

I know it’s best to ride it out, to let these moments pass, which they always do. Because If I speak up and let him know about my annoyance, he feels all hurt – “you always have to criticize me, don’t you?” And I end up feeling bad about my own bitchiness, and that no one is perfect, and that it’s probably PMS messing with my nerves… It takes some serious mental work to deal with these “I can’t stand him” moments. 

I lost count of all the occasions when he made me feel angry, annoyed, frustrated or outraged. These moments add up to the overall feeling of dissatisfaction: it’s like eating the dish you like but because someone put this one spice you absolutely can’t stand, you don’t enjoy the dish anymore since the spice is all that stands out. It scares me how under the influence of a moment I can wipe out all the good memories and positive feelings and succumb to a strong desire to criticize if not push him away. 

It’s important to differentiate between two very different levels of annoyance: when you can’t stand moments and when you can’t stand him 100% of the time. There is a way to learn self-control and practice tolerance if dark episodes are followed by happy, light moments. If you feel that however imperfect and at times annoying he is, your husband is still your support, your best friend, someone you need to keep going about life, you can downplay his not-so-successful acts. And that’s how I feel most of the time: he is the only person who is out there for me no matter what. I feel ashamed after “telling him off” for embarrassing (from my point of view) public behavior: why should I even care what others think? They don’t know his other side, his warmth or his strength that I myself lack at times. How quick we are to forget the good, and even quicker to notice the bad. So if I absolutely have to comment on those annoying habits, I approach it with humor and we both have a good laugh. It wasn’t such a big deal after all, I was just over reacting. But if every moment of your shared living has turned into absolute darkness, if you feel utterly relieved when he is not around, if you feel good about yourself only in the presence of other people, then you problems are much deeper. When you come to the conclusion “I can’t stand how much I can’t stand him” and it’s still the same after days or months, then the healthy balance of good moments vs. bad no longer exists and it’s time for more drastic steps.

Top Reason for Divorce in 2011?

So according to this annual study in the UK, priorities have shifted. Being in love is now the #1 requirement for staying happily married. No feelings – no marriage. Just a few generations back it wasn’t that simple to walk away from one’s matrimony. Financial obligations, ‘raising good children’ concern and the reaction of the society were key factors that glued spouses together and made them if not deal, then at least adept to the marital issues, lack of passion being one of them. These days we have enough freedom and personal independence not to put up with things we no longer like or want.

I think the concept of a Better Alternative (I made that up) is to blame. We can have a better anything more and more easily and frequently. Better cell phones and laptops due to never-ending improvements and additional features, better, more reliable cars, home appliances that simplify our already simplified lives even more. You can get an upgrade in virtually every aspect of life, so why not apply it to your marriage. Yes, the union worked well before but now there are wears and tears: why settle for this diminishing value if it’s easier to shop for a new advanced version of Marriage 5.

Well, technology does progress at ridiculous speed: new improved features are added, flaws fixed… But we don’t change like that, we remain human and our flaws stay with us. So if you think that you are heading for a better deal because of all the excitement that a new relationship promises, you want to look back and see how it all started a number of years ago. And where you are now. Because chances are you will be at this point again. And again. As long as you stay on this roller-coaster: fall in love, get married, fall out of love, leave, fall in love again…

Not many people want to work on their marriage any more. We got lazy and spoiled. And discarding old things and replacing them with new, improved ones has never been easier. But in most cases a new relationship means old problems: misunderstanding, under-appreciation, little annoying things we inevitably have to put up with, possibly new bruises and scars in unexplored before areas… It’s impossible to stay madly in love for life, it’s been proven time and again. But working on your relationship is very doable, building it into a strong fort, a solid union which, though it demands certain sacrifices, never fails to give back – that should be the alternative to giving up and moving forward.

May your marriage flourish in 2012!

Thinking About the Wedding I Didn’t Have

He never wanted a wedding. Every time he offered a different excuse for why we could't plan it - from “we don’t have anyone to invite” to “I wouldn’t feel comfortable in front of all these people”. And I kind of got it, I accepted his reasoning and stopped questioning his lack of desire to celebrate our union with a big special event. But the treacherous thought would still creep in now and then: we could have had a no-guest wedding. Who needs guests? It’s so much better to have an intimate ceremony somewhere on the beach. Or we could have invited a couple of close friends: send them some funky cheap wedding invitations – who needs fancy wedding stationery? We would have a simple event – plain white dress (but bright flowers), simple setting – you don’t need to rent the beach to have a lovely ceremony. And the gorgeous sunset is free too – a perfect replacement for candles, or some expensive lighting people order for their weddings these days. I wouldn’t be asking much yet somehow I didn’t have the guts to make it happen, to put that extra pressure he was trying so hard to avoid.

And now I feel cheated. I made it too easy for him. A neighbor of mine back in single life used to say: make it harder for men, make them conquer you, make them spend money on you, then you will be their precious investment and they will value you higher. And I was thinking – how can you be so pragmatic! There’s no price tag that you can put on a relationship, on true feelings. But isn’t it where the whole taking-for-granted begins? Where your value as a life partner goes down because of all the sacrificing you are capable of? Maybe I should have insisted on the wedding like I insist on better treatment day after day. Maybe I should have valued myself higher so that he did the same. I keep saying that I don't want him spending money on me (because it comes out of our family budget), but isn’t it time to reconsider? His business is everything to him because of the enormous amount of money, time and effort put into it, shouldn’t it be the same way for our relationship? Sometimes I am afraid that by making it too easy for him, by discouraging his efforts I turn myself into an unworthy prize, losing which is not really a big loss. So maybe it was me who instilled this idea in him, that a bare minimum of attention, and time, and feeling is sufficient to keep me satisfied, to keep us together?

Married and Have a Crush?

Do you think it’s wrong to have a crush on someone if you are happily (and even not-so happily) married? But maybe the question should be - can you help it? Can you help this feeling of excitement when you notice that someone gives you affectionate gazes that make your heart race and push all the daily problems to the realm of insignificance? It can be unethical. It’s probably immoral. But it’s also very likely to be humanly normal if not healthy.

I’ve accepted long ago that I’m one of those people who constantly has a “slight” crush on someone… well, new… I tried to go in denial the first couple of years after we got married. I played the role of a devoted wife, avoiding as much as looking at other men with untypical enthusiasm. But I was beginning to feel less like a woman, but more like a genderless person. A “dried apricot” is the expression I came across in one book. My husband’s attention and adoration were declining too (naturally) and I felt like I was disappearing. That totally changed when I got a stalker (a weird story of a guy falling for a mom with a stroller, shabby clothes and no makeup on). I wouldn’t think of a better way to shake things up, to shake myself up than having an admirer. Makeup was back on, and clothes shopping jumped up on the list of priorities. I didn’t even like the guy, he wasn’t a creep, probably just a lonely sole, but I was more fascinated with the idea that he liked ME! Apparently, I was still very much likeable. I almost felt sorry when we moved from that neighborhood so I “tossed” the stranger who would wait for me in the park on a regular basis.

But that was the beginning, or resurrection, of my secret life, when I embraced that side of me that has a constant need to be slightly in love with someone other than my husband. I let it be because if this is who I am, I doubt I can change that. But I make sure I’m in control and never let it affect my reality, my family, my attitude. Every time I have a new crush (mostly it’s at work where similar things happen to almost everyone these days), I indulge in a wave of exciting emotions, I devour feeling more alive and welcome this sudden desire to look more attractive, to talk with more charm. And if things get more dramatical than I would want, if emotions are too strong and threaten to escape my control and strike back, I think back and recollect all the similar mini-dramas that took place in the past number of years, and how they all proved meaningless in the end.

I know what’s at stake. My family is all I have and no momentary pleasure can justify ruining the best thing life has given me. It’s my base-camp, my stability, my shelter from life blows because only with my family I can be myself. I’ve always been faithful and I believe that a little bit of daydreaming will not hurt anyone as long as it’s only happening in my head. Moreover, because I know it might happen, I won’t be taken off guard, I’m always prepared to contain the damage while it’s still invisible. I'm very determined not to let phantasy and reality mingle.