If you don’t like it – Get Out!

Why is it always the easiest solution when a couple is having a fight to just say ‘enough’? Let’s just stop what we have, let’s split, separate, break up, divorce…. Jonathan has said that to me too many times when losing his temper, “If you don’t like it - pack your things and leave!”. Is it supposed to show that he is in control of the situation? Or who is the principal figure in our family and who gets to decide who stays and who must leave? The thing is I always know that he doesn’t mean it, those words are said to hurt me. My pride tells me I am not supposed to swallow it. My pride tells me I must pack my stuff and leave immediately – that will teach him the lesson. But the problem is I don’t have the luxury to play this game without hurting our son: he has to “leave” with me or to stay without mommy. And because I want to leave Peter out of it, I have to pretend that those words don’t penetrate through my skin to get to my heart and hurt me like hell. And Jonathan gets to throw those words at me whenever he feels like it, hurting me time and again.

Why don’t I ever say the same thing to him? Does it mean I am more mature? Well, I have a friend who broke up with her boyfriend 10 times over the course of one year! Just to get back together in a matter of days. Well, she can afford to do it: they don’t have a kid and a mortgage yet. But this is not even the point: at some point you have to outgrow this playing-with-words hobby and get serious. Say what you mean and don’t say what you don’t mean. As simple as that.

So you will ask me: am I going to let him get away with endless pointing me to the door? Well, luckily I’ve found the solution which I am more than willing to share with you. In our most peaceful “phase”, when things were quiet and almost romantic again, I gently told him one day, looking straight into his eyes: “You know, honey, you’ve told me so many times that I should leave, that when I decide that it is time to leave you for real – I won’t have any problems. You just made it so much easier to do”. And you should see panic and fear on his face… He’s been much more careful with words after that – that’s for sure.